how do i save my relationship??? always fighting!!

[random_love]

hello, im 20 years old and i have a serious problem with my relationship that i don't know how to solve

so heres my story. my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year and a half now, and we fight constantly, every single day, multiple times a day. our fights are about stupid stuff mainly, but we still scream at eachother and don't listen. we are both extremely stubborn and have bad tempers which makes our personalities clash when we get upset. we've tried breaking up more than 5 times, but we love each other too much to stay broken up. i actually can't break up with him, because i love him too much even though we are mean to each other. we still have fun together and are soooo happy when we arent fighting, but unfortunately we cant go a day without fighting. i feel so trapped because it isnt getting any better, but breaking up isnt the easy way out because i am so emotionally invested in this boy that i would be 10 times more unhappy if he wasnt in my life anymore. he is an amazing person when we arent being stubborn and fighting, so its not like i have a good reason to dump him (like if he was a big jerk or something, because hes not). i feel that i have ran out of options to save our relationship, but i just know breaking up will just make both of us even more unhappy than we are now (also we work at the same place so breaking up means someone has to quit). i dont know what to do anymore, i am so stuck and unhappy and just want us to love each other and have passion the way we used to.

if anyone has any real advice (that isnt anything like going on a break or breaking up or going to therapy--cuz we dont have time or money for that) or even any books or websites that have actually helped them when they had a similar problem, please let me know. i really love this boy to death but am going insane.

thank you so much.

[misssmithviii]

Oh I have been in your situation before! I know exactly what you mean and how you feel and my advice to you is you two need to sit down and openly discuss this. Basically say how you feel (without attacking him inadvertently of course) and let him say how he feels too.

 

You both need to come up with a new form of communication. What I did to overcome this in my past relationship was to take 3 deep breaths every single time I even BEGAN to feel mildly frustrated because the problem is mainly the slippery slope toward the argument, am I right? It feels like once you start it's nearly impossible to stop?

So you need to keep the calm and the cool BEFORE you even get angry.

While you're voicing your opinion, you need to count 1 full second between each word. It may sound a bit ridiculous but trust me, it works.

Also, watch your decibel level You're going to want to consciously keep your voice low; yelling will only provoke the situation.

 

Since he also has a problem with this, he's going to need to understand that this is of the upmost importance if you two want to continue a healthy relationship without constantly pulling your hair out.

 

What you have to do (since you can only control your own behavior) is do your best to keep the calmness. When something would normally bother you, remind yourself right away if it's worth a potential fight. If you need to voice anything that could create a fight, then you do so in a rational, mature manner.

 

It takes some real dedication on both ends.

 

I personally have found that the sooner you get over this behavior, the better. I had your kind of relationship before and it was horrible and thankfully, it ended. He wasn't willing to make the changes like I was. It's really a joint effort if you expect anything out of it.

With my man now, we get along so well I don't exactly have to take deep breaths anymore but I do take a second and really think before I speak whenever I start to get irritated at all (so as not to revert back into yelling) and keep my voice low.

[faithful14]

you guys have to find a way to communicate with one another, listen to each other, and then just either resolve it or agree to disagree and drop it. If he's insulting you or your family, your intelligence or something that you fiercely believe in, then stand up for yourself. If it's just small things, learn to let it go. You both have to learn to pick your battles here because the arguing will continue and get to a point where one of you will just want to leave for good.

[SarahRose]

It really is simple. Just stop being stubborn and refuse to fight.

 

I know some people just thrive on drama and their lives are empty shells without it but you have to ask yourself, do you want to be happy or right?

 

Can you go an entire day without saying something negative to him or reacting to something negative to him.

 

Try it and see if you can.

[Cal Lily]

Hi. Two good resources for you: there is a book they suggest in college called "how to say it". I found a great online relationship book called "Magic relationship words" by Suzi and Otto Collins. They also suggest words to NEVER say. If you go to their website, I think they have a free newsletter. Good luck.