I'm not sure if I have a problem (hating my peers)

[Fudgie]

Okay, let me get this out in the open: I hate my peers. Usually both male and female, but probably usually female.

 

Yes, hate is a strong word. I don't mean it in a "murderous" sense, just "OMFGyouannoymeihatebeingaroundyou" sense. I can't stand them.

 

Let me start from the beginning:

 

I was bullied a lot in school, always by girls. I loved school but hated everyone in it but the teachers. From a young age, I didn't socialize well unless it was group work, I was ALL over that! My parents were busy because I have 2 siblings with serious developmental disabilities so they didn't notice. I didn't have many playdates because of my home situation with my sibs. I only have 2 friends from childhood...still friends today.

 

I've always been a loner and I've been by myself. My dad is honestly my best friend. My boyfriend is a little older than my father and he's a best friend as well. I just don't have any friends, even at college. I eat all of my meals alone. Now, I feel mostly okay about this, but my therapist (and others) have been saying I have a serious problem, but I'm not sure.

 

I've tried to get out and "meet people" but it didn't work. I got bored. No one listened to the music I liked, or the books I read. They all liked these tv shows and movies and other things that I didn't understand. I'd rather just sit inside and watch the History Channel...that's me. I also can't drink alcohol and I have a load of health problems so I can't eat junk food, lots of carbs, or do certain activities. The conversations just bored me and I felt "out of the loop". I gave up and threw myself into my studies.

 

I'm a 2nd year college student. I thought I would start to like my peers when I got to college. Boy, I was wrong. Every year, it's the same.

 

See, I really only get along with my peers when I have to work with them. I'm AWESOME at group work and even full experimental studies, but as soon as the work and obligations are done, I GET out. Anything purely social with my peers makes me uncomfortable, bored, annoyed, and just...I don't know.

 

Tomorrow I wanted to go to my favourite restaurant. I wanted to be alone, and read the paper while I ate so I can relax. Somehow I got roped into having 3 other girls tag along. They consider themselves my "friends"...they think I'm funny (I'm sarcastic) and somehow like to be around me. I'm very polite. But it's all a facade...I just want to be left alone.

 

So my question is, is there something wrong with me?

 

I do well in school and have a bright future. I'm an active hospice worker and spend a lot of my time taking care of dying people. I really enjoy that work and the wonderful people I meet there. I feel at peace with myself. Granted, sometimes I lie to my mom that I'm "going on the weekend" because she gets upset to hear that I'm alone, but I'm not upset with it.

 

This hard to explain but I'm going to try...

 

This ISN'T about maturity. I can be immature at times and let my emotions get a hold of me. But the way I am...how I carry and view myself...I don't FEEL like I'm my age. I never have. I started going through puberty when I was 10 (physically and emotionally)...by 13, I had already had my hormones under control and didn't feel "confused" about life...I fell in love at 15 with someone too old but got over it...I started hospice work when I was 18...traveled the world when I was 18...and then found out I was infertile and had health problems at 19. I just don't FEEL like I'm 20. I feel like I'm 30-40 inside. Sometimes even when I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm looking at someone much younger than what I really feel.

 

Hm.

[Fudgie]

The other thing is...

 

I'm not someone who is disliked. Isn't that weird? People my age genuinely like me, the ones who know me. Otherwise, I blend into the background.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm an old soul. I don't hate people in my age range but we don't mesh well. Not that we don't get along but we simply lack things in common. However, I have found plenty of people who are similar to me.

 

I still feel like I'm my age. But, I just like far different things and often identify with the older generation.

[Fudgie]

Yeah, I know what you mean...about the whole "old soul" thing. I'm glad that you feel your age though. That's good.

 

I've grown up with older people, honestly. I used to follow my dad around and he'd let me hang around his elderly patients because they wanted company.

 

I think I have a self-perception issue. I came up behind my boyfriend recently when he was combing his hair (he's 57) and I saw us both in the mirror and I was like "that's me??"

 

I've always felt so out of place. It wasn't until I met my boyfriend and stayed at his house during all my breaks that I really "equal" with someone so much.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I had very immature parents growing up. Someone had to be the adult and take care of me. Ended up being me.

 

Luckily, I found a niche in schooling early. A group of people I am still friends with even though I haven't seen them or even lived in the same state as them for years.

 

You'd be surprised how many people are actually deep underneath it all. It's hard to separate the deep, mature ones from the pack but if you get them alone, people can really surprise you. I would have never thought my boyfriend to be the way he is. Pleasantly surprised by him.

[Fudgie]

I suppose. I'm very doubtful of it all. Those that I thought were "deep" turned out just to be really into drugs and that was their life, so I split.

 

My best friend growing up seemed to be "deep"...then she just changed. So did my other childhood friend. I was left in the dark. Now all they want to do is sleep around and party. Why did they change so much?

 

I have no idea where to meet people. I'm in a small town here for college and all anyone does is drink. There are no philosophy clubs, the book club is dominated by seniors and aren't friendly toward new members...there is nothing here.

 

I've been passing my time just volunteering at hospice. I get social contact with the patients ...saying good-bye can be hard but I'm professional and I am there for them for support.

My mom thinks there's something wrong with a person who can be at college with NO friends and only spends time with older people. I don't feel I have a choice, really.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You should start a philosophy club if that's what you really want to do. Good way to meet people if you are the forerunner of involvement.

 

Also, it may help if you expect less from friends. Some people you can discuss the interworkings of life with, others are your 'slushie run' friends, some are exercise buddies, and some are study pals. Very few people will you be compatible enough to be close friends with. But, you can still be good friends with an abundance of people that you only see occasionally for very specific activities.

 

If you don't try, you may look back and regret the lonely 4 years of squandered opportunities.

[Tarkan]

Hi Fugie,

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm not quiet sure what your reason for posting was tough. Was it to know if you are normal or to seek advice on how to "change" ?

 

If it's answer number two, I'd suggest you stay the way you are. There is no shame in wanting to be alone or behaving the way you are. In life, we tend to do what makes us happy. If you feel sad or bored with your peers, I'm glad to say that it's not your fault. You can't help the fact that you can't relate to them.

 

Society of nowadays is flawed, because it based around elitarism, ideologies and institutions that are fake. We are conditionized to think in a certain way, just like sheep. Sometimes, human beings are left aside, because they are different. Those should be taken care off, but usually they're just pushed away like trash. Because people are afraid of the unknown. I'd eat my shoes if you can even define what the term "normal" means. So you're definitely not abnormal ... just misunderstood I guess

 

I'd say you are gifted with more maturity then your peers. You don't *have* to participate in activites if you do not want to. Only sheeps do that. Just do what you think is fun for you. If that means enjoying your time off and peacefully readings a newspaper, then so be it. I like to escape society's grip sometimes aswell, because it's exhausting.

 

My question is: Do you see this as an issue ? Would you like to have more in common with your peers ? If not, you might just turn back to nature. I know that it helped alot of people. Trying to find back that connection you have with the elements that make life possible. But you know, humans are also involved into this connection.

 

You should look at this that way: Most people aren't bad. Their behaviour is not their fault, it's just the syndrom of a flawed and sick system. Just consider that most of them haven't seen the light yet. They're ignorant and naive. If it's true that once you grow older, you also grow wiser, I'm sure you'll be able to relate with them in a few years.

 

Hell, maybe they'll come to you and say: "Dam, you were right"

[Fudgie]

No, I was just kidding about that. I wouldn't want to start my own. I don't have time.

 

I guess I do need to lower my expectations.

When I think of my perfect friend, well, I have him already. He's the only friend I have who is my age. He is wise beyond his years. He lives back in my hometown. I think very highly of him. I miss him when I'm at school.

 

Thing is, I don't know what I would do with a friend. I like to eat alone. I like to exercise alone. I don't leave campus unless it's for Indian food. I don't go to movies or play games anymore. I spend my breaks with my boyfriend and I know most people wouldn't approve.

So what would I do with a friend? Watch TV maybe.

 

I can't stop myself. I'm already running through excuses to why I can't go to the restaurant just because I don't want to be stuck for over an hour in a car with 3 people who annoy me. I don't know what to do.

[Fudgie]

Hi Tarkan,

 

As I said, I am happy. So I don't really WANT to change, but people are telling me that I should (like my therapist). So I am confused. I guess I just wanted to ask if it was normal, but like you said...you can't define it.

 

I feel at peace with myself. I've struggled with clinical depression for a long time. In my sophomore year in college, well, I've started to come out of it. I'm more alone this year than I was freshman year, but yet I'm happier!

 

I'm hoping to have more in common when I get older. I'm just tired of waiting. The time will come sometime, I'm sure.

 

Thanks

[Tarkan]

I feel at peace with myself. I've struggled with clinical depression for a long time. In my sophomore year in college, well, I've started to come out of it.

 

That's the only thing that matters dear. Love yourself and the people that matter to you. No one should ever change themselves to fit in. It's that constant need of approval that causes so much pain ! The only approval you need is that of your own.

 

Sometimes you also meet others that aprove you aswell. I'm glad you found someone that is such a person

 

Oh and, you probably have more in common with the people then you think, because we're all connected to eachother in some way. And then I mean deeper and meaningful things like love, friendship, humour, creativeness, ... not the superficial shell that is created around us by society ( clothing, money, ... ). Just wait, you'll see

[teabee]

I get you Fudgie. Thanks for sharing.

 

I also feel uncomfortable with most of my peers. It's sometimes odd to me that I am in the same age group, because I too feel so much older than my numerical age. Many others have noted this about me as well. I recently told a friend of mine the age of my boyfriend (50) and her entire reaction literally amounted to an unsurprised shrug as she said, "You're at least 55 in the brain anyway." I've always felt distant from people my age to some extent, then some home issues I had really sealed the deal a few years ago. I was terrified and burdened and so deeply sad with some things I was going through taking care of my mom (who sometimes has lengthy and disturbing psychotic episodes). During that time and forever after I have felt distinctly split off from the majority of my peers. So I'd say I've always been a reserved and emotionally mature personality and then add some life stress to the mix and you get an old soul.

 

I've made lots of friends who really like me and feel close to me, (like you mentioned happens with you) but for the most part I only interact with the (very few) people in my life who are on my wavelength. I'm satisfied enough with what I have, and you sound like you too are comfortable and happy with what you've got going on. So I don't think it's a problem. It's hard to make good friends in college anyway, and I wouldn't place much importance on it as long as you feel fulfilled.

 

I wouldn't feel comfortable if I defaulted to "hating" my peers, though. Sometimes I do feel scornful, but I have to remind myself that they aren't BENEATH me in any way. They are just being themselves and they have no reason to be overly mature yet. We're all at different stages in our lives and it's all about respecting where other people are at: "When you have reached your own room, be kind to those who have chosen different doors and to those who are still in the hall." I don't like to spend excessive amounts of time with most of my peers either, but I practice tolerance and try to have an open attitude and this has definitely helped me to genuinely enjoy myself around most people.

 

If you don't want to feel annoyed and bored, I suggest you just experiment with how you're looking at these people. Try adopting the perspective I mentioned in the last paragraph because an attitude shift could completely change the distance between you and them, and you'll find yourself relating to them on levels you didn't expect. If you're like me, you probably still won't feel completely inspired by your peers or as close to them as they seem to feel to you, but at least you can actually enjoy their company and get a small something back from those friendships.

[teabee]

Also, it may help if you expect less from friends. Some people you can discuss the interworkings of life with, others are your 'slushie run' friends, some are exercise buddies, and some are study pals. Very few people will you be compatible enough to be close friends with. But, you can still be good friends with an abundance of people that you only see occasionally for very specific activities.

 

Wise words. This is actually what I do, but this is put better than I could articulate it, and a great perspective to take.

[Fudgie]

Thanks teabee I'm glad to hear that you feel the same as me.

 

I know all about the tolerance and such, but boy, sometimes it's easier said than done. I am currently living in a dorm, and I try to have patience, but it's very easy to lose it at 2am because the girl in the room next to me is BLARING pop music on a school night and I'm not able to drown it out.

 

I'm fine with being alone for the rest of college, I've done well this fair. If I can learn to just live and accept these people, not have to like them, but just not hate them...well, maybe it will be easier for me.

 

I'm going to try to talk to my therapist about this. The default answer is "find friends" but I'm afraid I no longer want to do that option. I will find another way. I'm already happy.

 

Thanks guys!

[greywolf]

Hate is a fear-based emotion. Perhaps you feel like no one will accept you for who you really are, or that you are inadequate?

[Fudgie]

It's possible that fear plays a part. In fact, I am sure of it.

 

I was really, really bullied when I was in school. starting from when I was 7...til when I was 13. Mostly by girls. It was very hurtful and I don't think I ever really got over it.

 

It wasn't your run of your mill sort of bullying or anything. I felt it was really bad. I'd have stuff stolen, my locker/belongings/work vandalized. I was followed around. No rumors though...I didn't have a bad rep, it was just this group of girls. They were so mean. They'd say things just out of earshot but you always knew what they were saying. I was sick of the name-calling, vandalism, stalking, yelling, stealing...I hated going pee in the bathroom when they were in there because they would try to climb the stall wall and take a pic of me on the toilet. Once one of them ripped my dress on purpose on the playground and my underwear showed and they laughed and called me "dirty" but I didn't know what it meant at the time.

 

For a long time, I was sad. I still don't understand why people were so cruel. I didn't do anything to them. The only real mean thing I did was when I was 11 and I literally pounded a girl's face in because I found her harassing my autistic sister and called her "stupid" to her face. Not smart, but I don't regret it still. My sister wasn't ever harassed again, at least not with me around.

 

I guess all the sadness over the years just turned to a hate. People at college are still mean. They are gossipy, petty, and uninteresting. Now I know better, and I stay the heck away.

 

But I'm the one with the last laugh. I went to private school to escape the bullying and had a good time overall. 2 of the girls got pregnant too early, 1 is in jail for selling drugs. I also found out from a medical assistant who saw one of them in the hospital, and the girl got herpes at age 14.

They got what they deserved. Karma's a * * * * * , isn't it?