Fudgie Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 Okay, let me get this out in the open: I hate my peers. Usually both male and female, but probably usually female. Yes, hate is a strong word. I don't mean it in a "murderous" sense, just "OMFGyouannoymeihatebeingaroundyou" sense. I can't stand them. Let me start from the beginning: I was bullied a lot in school, always by girls. I loved school but hated everyone in it but the teachers. From a young age, I didn't socialize well unless it was group work, I was ALL over that! My parents were busy because I have 2 siblings with serious developmental disabilities so they didn't notice. I didn't have many playdates because of my home situation with my sibs. I only have 2 friends from childhood...still friends today. I've always been a loner and I've been by myself. My dad is honestly my best friend. My boyfriend is a little older than my father and he's a best friend as well. I just don't have any friends, even at college. I eat all of my meals alone. Now, I feel mostly okay about this, but my therapist (and others) have been saying I have a serious problem, but I'm not sure. I've tried to get out and "meet people" but it didn't work. I got bored. No one listened to the music I liked, or the books I read. They all liked these tv shows and movies and other things that I didn't understand. I'd rather just sit inside and watch the History Channel...that's me. I also can't drink alcohol and I have a load of health problems so I can't eat junk food, lots of carbs, or do certain activities. The conversations just bored me and I felt "out of the loop". I gave up and threw myself into my studies. I'm a 2nd year college student. I thought I would start to like my peers when I got to college. Boy, I was wrong. Every year, it's the same. See, I really only get along with my peers when I have to work with them. I'm AWESOME at group work and even full experimental studies, but as soon as the work and obligations are done, I GET out. Anything purely social with my peers makes me uncomfortable, bored, annoyed, and just...I don't know. Tomorrow I wanted to go to my favourite restaurant. I wanted to be alone, and read the paper while I ate so I can relax. Somehow I got roped into having 3 other girls tag along. They consider themselves my "friends"...they think I'm funny (I'm sarcastic) and somehow like to be around me. I'm very polite. But it's all a facade...I just want to be left alone. So my question is, is there something wrong with me? I do well in school and have a bright future. I'm an active hospice worker and spend a lot of my time taking care of dying people. I really enjoy that work and the wonderful people I meet there. I feel at peace with myself. Granted, sometimes I lie to my mom that I'm "going on the weekend" because she gets upset to hear that I'm alone, but I'm not upset with it. This hard to explain but I'm going to try... This ISN'T about maturity. I can be immature at times and let my emotions get a hold of me. But the way I am...how I carry and view myself...I don't FEEL like I'm my age. I never have. I started going through puberty when I was 10 (physically and emotionally)...by 13, I had already had my hormones under control and didn't feel "confused" about life...I fell in love at 15 with someone too old but got over it...I started hospice work when I was 18...traveled the world when I was 18...and then found out I was infertile and had health problems at 19. I just don't FEEL like I'm 20. I feel like I'm 30-40 inside. Sometimes even when I look in the mirror, I feel like I'm looking at someone much younger than what I really feel. Hm. Link to comment
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