Dating a Divorced Guy

[britcc19]

So I started seeing a guy. He has recently been divorced but was in the process for 15 months so it has been over for awhile. He really acts like he is into me and yes we did recently sleep together. But the other night he freaked out on me when I left a necklace over at his place accidentally and then proceeded to tell me that he's not ready to rush into anything too quickly. Still he initiates most of the communication and seeing of each other. I just want some opinions. I plan on telling him that were better off being friends because I think we both want two different things. I want something fun with the promise of it becoming serious and after his comments I think he wants a casual fling. Should I run for the hills or should I at least talk to him about my feelings? Is it even worth my time?

[Sonicxman]

Someday, you will need to come to this discussion, his needs and your needs. I would talk to him.

[lavenderdove]

Divorces are emotionally grueling experiences, and if he just came out of one, i can understand why he doesn't want to go right into a serious relationship again until he's caught his breath.

 

But then again, research shows a lot of divorced men get engaged and remarry fairly quickly too... so he could settle down and be fine if you're willing to wait 6 months to a year for him to decompress.

 

But if he freaks that you leave something at his house by accident, i wonder if he is also dating someone else and doesn't want 'evidence' of another woman at his house. You need to talk to him and find out what he's looking for right now, whether he sees himself being exclusive within a reasonable period of time etc.

 

If he's dating around, you might indeed not want to sleep with him if he is playing the field too much, and you want a serious boyfriend. So best thing to do is ask him why he freaked, and what his expectations are for a relationship at this point in his life.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sorry, but it doesn't sound like you're the only one he's involved with. I would have waited until we were exclusive and committed before sleeping with him.

 

Just my opinion...

[kelly155]

I've dated two recently divorce men- one after the other (of course not at the same time) and let me tell you I have learned a BIG lesson!!!

 

They are not ready for a relationship, even if they think they are! The first one I dated ONLY wanted a fling! I remember going on dates with him and him trying to get sex out of me....when I didn't "put out" he would get upset and take me home. He also was secretive about dating me which I found to be really strange. I remember staying over night at his house and his brother came over and knocked on the door (I guess he was suppose to help his brother do something that day & he forgot) anyways he didn't open the door because I was there. He also would speak constantly about his ex-wife and things that she did that would upset him. After 3 dates, I dumped him. I couldn't take his behavior anymore!

 

The second divorced guy was also recently divorced. I remember telling this guy my experiences with the first one and made it clear what I didn't like about dating people in his category! He told me he was nothing like "that divorce guy" I first dated. At first he wasn't, he seem to at first wanted a long term relationship. He was excited about me, told his family & friends about me. He loved showing me off....and we actually got to the point where we would talk about our future & marriage. He mentioned his ex-wife now and then because they had some unfinished business to there divorce. But he would also get super irritated and annoyed when I wasn't "putting out" although his reaction was to give me the silent treatment until he got over the "rejection feeling." It also bothered me a lot that he was still keeping in contact with his ex. He was open and honest with me about it- cause as he told me that they still were friends- but I was still bothered. Basically it was two of those things that cause LOTS of disagreements in the relationship, which also cause "feelings to change" which cause a break up in my opinion. This guy became distant before our break up.....and eventually said that he couldn't give me what I wanted ( a long term relationship & a future)....well, what I wanted was a GOOD guy who can show me some respect!!!!!

 

My conclusion, recently divorce guys...1) try to replace there ex wives as fast as possible so that they can avoid the grieving stage of "pain & hurt" or 2) They want SEX! and that only means if your game for just a fling they will take it!!!!

 

Only date a divorce guy when it has been awhile since he has been divorce. That way, you know he has been trying to heal & or making himself better (learning from his mistakes) because it takes TWO people to create a problem and whether you like it or not the divorce guy that you plan on dating was the other half of the problem that caused his divorce. Problems= Baggage! I don't think anyone wants to carry anyone's baggage when they are first starting out in a relationship. TRUST me on this one!

[sidehop]

I'm sure he's going through a lot not to mention the fear he has. It's easy to want someone new and feel the love again but being ready for a serious relationship after a divorce is another issue.

 

It's probably best to take your time if you're really wanting to date this guy.

[abitbroken]

How long have you been dating? It could be that you guys jumped in to fast (sleeping together, etc) and him seeing an article left behind might make his mind automatically race from relationship development to having a girlfriend who leaves her stuff at his place.

 

If you like him and everything else is good, I would just continue communicating but don't rush things into another level yet. It might be appropriate to talk about his fears, too, if you guys communicate well. Not to be his therapist, but reinforce that you really like him and are looking to establish a good foundation with someone.

 

Every divorce is very different. It could have been over a long time ago even before the 15 months. And some people do a lot of introspection and work during that time. So he doesn't necessarily fall into any particular category.

[kelly155]

Every divorce is very different. It could have been over a long time ago even before the 15 months. And some people do a lot of introspection and work during that time. So he doesn't necessarily fall into any particular category.

 

Well the first guy I dated was in the process for 10 months before divorcing and I don't think at all he was trying to improve himself in that time period or even try to move on....my conclusion came from all the talk about how his ex was purposing making him upset by doing this and that....I just felt that he was jealous and still really missed her...

 

I guess there are no promises on when someone can move on & is ready for a real relationship. But you can mostly tell by their behavior....and freaking out over a necklace being left at "his place" is a red flag that this guy is not ready for a real relationship as the poster stated.

[britcc19]

I appreciate everyones input...I suppose I moved a little to quickly with the guy and that was foolish of me...and just something I have to learn from. It sounds like most of you think he is not ready for anything which is my gut feeling; especially after he freaked out over me leaving behind the necklace. Suppose I will just have to communicate with him though.

[CatsMeeoow]

I have to say the necklace incident is a bit over the top... I've inadvertently left things... ear rings... clothes... if some guy I was having sex with freaked out over it it would be a big red flag that something wasn't jiving right.

 

For every tale of a recently divorced man who burned some chick there will be a tale of a recently divorced man who found his soul mate in the next woman he dated.

 

The key is to be tuned in to what is going on....

 

Look at his actions. Look at his circumstance. Talk bluntly... you both are adults so no need for ring around the rosey.

 

There is no easy formula when it comes to relationships. I am currently seriously involved with a man still going through a divorce. I did not know him as a married man. I met him long after their split and official paperwork filed with the courthouse. They should have been divorced long ago but his ex - who doesn't want him back keeps dragging it out as she doesn't want to give up his benefits and additional support which would be lost once everything is signed, sealed and delivered.

 

I won't lie. Its been tough. While his ex doesn't want him back she certainly doesn't want him happy and using his kids to twist the knife at every corner.

 

I had to sit down and think long and hard.... was this guy worth the wait and aggravation? I look at what we had and we just are a very good fit. I am not the first woman he dated post marriage so he already had that rebound relationship that flopped. But, most importantly we had to really communicate - more so than any prior relationship I've ever had to make it work and make it real.

 

Good luck in sorting it out with this guy... but don't feel obligated to him. Its your decision to have him in your life... There are other great guys out there!