How to recommit myself

[Convict7]

The Backstory: Been in a committed relationship for almost 7years. There were ups and downs but overall it was a happy relationship. However for the last year she has been keeping secrets and carrying on supposedly platonic relationships without telling me these people exist. As more and more things surfaced about her actions over the last year I was devastated. Things have been slowly coming out for the last month, it's been so much deception and false statements that when another thing happened two nights ago I felt like I hit rock bottom. It wasn't the worst thing she had done but it showed me that she was not in fact as dedicated to improving our relationship as she promised.

 

Where I am now: I will always love her and have a very special place in my heart for what we were and what we had. More than anything I want to recapture what we had in the past, the happiness and commitment and security. I know with enough effort from both of us and a lot of transparency in our actions I could learn to trust her again. She is an insane amount of fun and a terribly entertaining person, so finding joy and friendship again is inevitable. My problem lies more within myself. After everything she did, with no thought for my feelings, I can't shake that rock bottom feeling.

As an example; there was something I brought up with her that she has been doing that makes me uncomfortable. It's nothing crazy and simply a matter of preference, but I let her know that I am bothered by it. She fought me on it and refused to stop or even compromise. It felt like she took my feeling bad into consideration and decided she was ok with it.

It's very hard for me to recapture that warm fuzzy feeling towards her when my eyes have been opened to her lack of empathy towards me. If it was one isolated incident I may have been able to chalk it up to something being very important to her, but it has happened over and over concerning different subjects.

I feel like the impasse is that I need a relationship where each others' feelings are priority number one, but she feels like her own desires(not good or bad feelings) take priority over how her actions make affect me. I did some self examination while all this took place and can pretty safely say that I put her potential feelings ahead of any of my own petty selfish desires. So I am not creating a double standard where I expect something from her that I am not doing myself.

I'm not sure how far off topic I have gotten but I can't think of anything I want to add now. I was just looking for someone's thoughts in an anonymous setting.

[Mustachio]

I guess the issue becomes one about compromise and trust.

 

Is there anything you are willing to compromise about what you want if she will compromise on certain things? Without knowing exactly what she has been doing and what you want her to do or not do its a little hard to really tell.

 

And, I think you need to really examine whether you think you can trust her or whether you see yourself being able to get past some of these issues regardless of what she does. If you cant trust her, and you cant get past them, then you probably need to change things in some way, and I wont necessarily say break up, but if the trust is never recaptured and there is no compromise do you really think you will be ok staying in that relationship?

[Convict7]

I guess the issue becomes one about compromise and trust.

 

Is there anything you are willing to compromise about what you want if she will compromise on certain things? Without knowing exactly what she has been doing and what you want her to do or not do its a little hard to really tell.

I didn't want to bore everyone who clicked on the post with the details, but since you asked. We don't live together and so talk on the phone at the end of the night (have done so for years) till we are sleepy and say goodnight. During this last year she had been getting off the phone saying she was going to sleep and then chatting with her friends on into the night, both on the phone and in chatrooms. I had problems with that and said it was not ok with me to chat late at night with these other people when she claims to be asleep. She agreed, then I found out she still goes to the chatroom when she claims to be sleeping. That's what happened a few days ago to finally injure my feelings to a point where I actually see her in a different way than i used to.

 

Another thing that may only bother me and be ok with most people is that she bought a webcam to use while chatting with her online friends, but never told me about it. For months she had a webcam and was using it to chat with her friends but kept it from me. I expressed calmly and clearly to her that I was uncomfortable with her using the webcam. It not only bothers me that it was a secret from me but just the use of it makes me feel weird. I don't see why these people who are only friends would have to physically see her, in her bedroom, while they chat. She didn't agree about this and fought me tooth and nail, telling me how I was being controlling and awful to her. I made sure not to express my problem by blaming her but made sure to let her know how much it hurts my feelings. She has no interest in compromising about the webcam at all. While I can agree that it's her business what she does and who she allows to look at her, we are in a relationship and my feeling uncomfortable about it should matter too. I feel like there should be compromise and maybe even a concession on this, at least until our current fights about what she has been doing has calmed down. She has told me that she will not see it from my point of view and has no desire to do so. Is it crazy of me to want her to stop using the webcam at least until we are through these fights? Why would she want to continue doing something that makes me feel weird about her while there are so many issues in the air?

 

I can find a way to trust again, but with the way she has been ignoring my feelings on even trivial things the logical part of me wonders what I'm fighting for. I'm dealing with all these feelings so I can get back into a relationship where she does whatever she wants despite how I feel?

 

More than all that I feel like this whole revelation has damaged me emotionally. I used to get this wonderful glowing feeling when she came by, my stomach would get butterflies when she called me at night. Now it's more like I get knots in my stomach. I still love her very very much. She has an amazing personality and is a lot of fun. But the way she has been treating me makes me feel unloved and disrespected. She talks a good game all about how she will improve and be a better girlfriend to me, but so far it has mostly been just talk. Only some changes in her behavior, purposely not doing other things.

 

It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. As much as I love her and want her to smile and be happy, I no longer feel like she wants that for me.

[Convict7]

Anyone have anything to add maybe? As the days move along the situation changes. We fight, work through things, and find solutions where we can.

 

I don't have the time or patience to type out everything that's happened and is happening, it's a lot more than I could ever remember in one sitting. But any input at all would be nice for me. Even if you just think I am crazy or have a question to ask that would help you understand. I have a pretty thick skin and am trying to be logical and rational about everything so criticism would be appreciated just as much as support.