Male- female friendship

[taxi10]

This is a highly debated issue among friends but want to dig it deeply.

 

Can a single man be a friend with a female in relationship? Lets say they hang out together in bars go to cinema, meet for a coffee and they are all alone - the female friend`s boy friend is never introduced and it appears that he doesn`t . However, There is nothing going between them except this healthy friendship!

 

How many of you would except that their boy/girlfriend goes out with the opposite sex ?

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's fine.

 

My boyfriend and I are in an LDR. I haven't met some of his friends and most of them are women. They get barbeque wings after work on thursdays as they are half off and sometimes see movies together. I trust him completely and have never felt threatened by another woman.

[misssmithviii]

This is a very highly debated subject - and in my opinion, it all depends on the relationship.

 

In my relationship we keep nothing from each other, and the boundary we have with each other's friends (that are of the opposite sex) is simple. We don't hang out alone with the opposite sex, ever. We are perfectly accepting of friends; while others may see this as controlling behavior, it's an agreement between both of us and that's the most important thing.

We like to know each other's friends too.

Bottom line, all of my friends are friends with my man and all of his friends are friends with me. We all hang out together, none of this "alone" stuff.

 

The most important thing in my opinion is that people are open about their friendships with their partner. If their partner doesn't mind them spending quality time with a friend of the opposite sex, then there's no issue. But if they are keeping their friendship outside of their partner's knowledge then they don't know if their partner has a problem with it - and probably are avoiding telling their partner.

[greywolf]

Most of my bf's friends are girls. I don't care.

[mfan]

Most of my friends are girls. I don't care

 

Seriously, I get along very well platonically with women, so I would sincerely hope that their boyfriends/husbands would not consider me an issue. Luckily I am not sexually active so it has never been an issue.

[rosephase]

The only part that would bother me is the "never meeting" part. Apart from long distance relationships I don't think there is a good reason for you not to meet all of your partners friends. Male, female, whatever.

[Doc Blaze]

depends....i would think that if the person was important you would want your SO to meet them..

[fLuiD]

I have a serious problem with my girlfriends having male friends. They have all been ones who have more male friends than they do female friends. My problem is mainly with the lack of respect some men have for women who are dating. You should know better than to ask a woman in a relationship out to hang out without her boyfriend around. Some men dont respect this, and although I am confident girlfriends have handled it properly, it irritates me when they keep nagging after being told No.

[Day_Walker]

I think that men and women can be friends, now that doesnt mean that one party will not be interested in the other but I think that they are capable of just being friends. I have never had a problem with a girlfriend having male friends, some of which I was never introduced to.

[abitbroken]

I think what you are describing (the boyfriend not knowing about it, going to bars and movies one on one) sounds like "dating" rather than a friendship.

[Mimori]

Depends really… It takes a lot of trust and honesty, but I’m confident my fiancé would do nothing to jeopardize our relationship for the sake of a friend. He has turned away from one in particular who, before we started dating, had fooled around with her (even though she was in a relationship, he was lonely at the time and they didn’t do anything serious like having sex). But because I was uneasy with the amount of attention and photos she kept sending him, I asked him to do something I wished I never had to, but to drop the friendship… because I didn’t trust her, not him. He’s a good guy, very shy and nice in all the right ways. He doesn’t like to hurt people, and doesn’t like to be mean. But I’ve seen him, and heard how he made it exceptionally clear to girls that he’s taken…and that he wants to do nothing to lose me… and do anything to keep me. And with knowing that, I’m perfectly fine with him hanging out with girls. I just remind him to be careful how close he gets to them, and to not flirt with them (to remember boundaries), as long as he knows that and doesn’t go on dates with them, I’m perfectly okay with him having friends of the opposite sex. I just ask that he remain loyal, and to not break my heart. Since we’ve had the discussion about what we both can handle, where our boundaries with the opposite sex comes in play, it’s never rose as a problem since.

 

I guess it’s why I believe having such open communication is the success to a relationship. I don’t nag at him about what he does with his friends, because I trust him, and he knows that I’ll find out eventually anyways, so he's honest with me. But what I'm saying is, it takes a lot of trust, but I don't believe it's by any means impossible to have friends of the opposite sex... just make sure (like in my case) you have boundaries and clear understanding on what is acceptable... other people have smaller limitations (depending on if they've been cheated on before, etc). Just make sure that understanding is made, but I don't believe in any case that a significant other truly has the place in eliminating an entire set of friends because of their sex (male or female)...but in certain cases, it's up to the people involved if certain ones need to be eliminated because they cause more issues then good. But be sure in any case, that your confident in your partner. If not, there is an obvious trust issue that needs to be addressed.

 

In your case, with where your boyfriend takes the girl, I'd ask for more limitations or hang out with other/more friends at the same time. Like the poster above me said, it sound a little like dating them then being friends and hanging out. It's alright be a little jealous, just don’t let it ruin a good thing when you didn’t need it too.

[FathomFear]

I have a serious problem with my girlfriends having male friends. They have all been ones who have more male friends than they do female friends. My problem is mainly with the lack of respect some men have for women who are dating. You should know better than to ask a woman in a relationship out to hang out without her boyfriend around. Some men dont respect this, and although I am confident girlfriends have handled it properly, it irritates me when they keep nagging after being told No.

 

How is that a lack of respect? If anything, you're not respecting your girlfriend if you assume she can't control herself without you being in her presence.

[FathomFear]

To be honest, I think this is a pseudo-problem which dates back to how children are gendered early in the life. As a result people constantly, even in adulthood, assume that males and females do not mingle with each other unless there's sexual interest. There isn't an established foundation of friendship.

 

I mean, have you ever seen threads with people stressing about "Hm, can two gay men just be friends?!?!?" or "Can two lesbians just be friends?!?" Nope. This whole question, I would say, is almost exclusively a heterosexual concern. There's still the assumption that straight men and straight women don't have anything in common with each other such that they would want to interact with each other. Only sexual interest, so the attitude goes, causes interaction to take place.

[geekgirl4]

I think as long as communication is open and the SO knows about it, then it's ok. But caution and respect should be in place if the friend the SO is hanging out with likes them or has liked them in the past. Not saying they shouldn't hang out, but it should be with other people or in public places (cafe, lunch), but not alone in someone's room. But that's just me : )

 

It's inevitable that your SO will have a friend of the opposite sex. As long as both parties know what the boundaries are and there is honesty, then I think its possible.

[taxi10]

All of you came up with different and yet interesting ideas regarding to this subject!! Would you be fine with your girlfriend hanging out with another guy during the weekends!? She was supposed to be spending quality time with you. After all, that is what having relationship is all about.

[FathomFear]

All of you came up with different and yet interesting ideas regarding to this subject!! Would you be fine with your girlfriend hanging out with another guy during the weekends!? She was supposed to be spending quality time with you. After all, that is what having relationship is all about.

 

Well, being in a relationship doesn't mean you shut off the rest of the world. Sure, spending weekends with other people 100% of the time would be a problem. But I don't see it as a problem when done in moderation.

[Lucius]

All of you came up with different and yet interesting ideas regarding to this subject!! Would you be fine with your girlfriend hanging out with another guy during the weekends!? She was supposed to be spending quality time with you. After all, that is what having relationship is all about.

 

It's not an "either or" situation for me. I'm not one who thinks men and women can't be friends, but I don't believe it's wise to have a no holds barred approach to this dynamic, either. These things need to be taken on a case by case basis, IMO. It's a more nuanced picture than a black and white, all or nothing attitude would seek to paint it.

 

To put it another way: I have several female friends, some of which I've known for a long time, some I've known more briefly, and some with whom I do spend time alone with. Conversely, there are others I won't spend time alone with - and situations I do choose to avoid. Likewise, there are some situations in which I'd have no problem with my fiancee hanging out with a guy, alone, for a period of time - and other situations where I'd consider it disrespectful. My partner and I never make these choices for the other person, however, so we each practice our own brand of discernment, respect, and courtesy as we see fit.

 

Ultimately, though, I think it's awfully hard to make a useful, intelligent assessment on the appropriateness of close male/female friendship without a lot of context. There are so many factors that can make a situation more or less acceptable, in my view.

[FathomFear]

Likewise, there are some situations in which I'd have no problem with my fiancee hanging out with a guy, alone, for a period of time - and other situations where I'd consider it disrespectful.

 

Can you elaborate on the situations that you avoid or the situations you would find disrespectful? Because for me, I can't help not seeing it as somewhat black/white. You either trust someone or you don't. Who the other person is seems mostly irrelevant.

[misssmithviii]

Ultimately doesn't it all depend on the relationship and it's boundaries and expectations between the couple?

 

If you're in a relationship with someone who finds it awkward for you to hangout with the opposite sex alone, without you - then shouldn't your partner come first? In all instances and in all scenarious regardless of the circumstances I have never found something too difficult for me to oblige to for my man.

 

It all depends on the understanding between the two people in the relationship.

[Lucius]

Can you elaborate on the situations that you avoid or the situations you would find disrespectful? Because for me, I can't help not seeing it as somewhat black/white. You either trust someone or you don't. Who the other person is seems mostly irrelevant.

 

I actually don't think it's wise or sensible to trust that ANYONE will behave 100% appropriately in ALL possible circumstances. To me that's misunderstanding what it is to trust. Trust (as I understand it) isn't about predicting perfection; it's about an acceptable level of risk. It's about believing someone has your best interests at heart - not that they'll never, ever, under any circumstances stumble. I trust people (myself included) to do one thing only: to behave according to their nature. Despite having a loving, loyal, and devoted temperament, I don't consider myself infallible to temptation in ALL possible situations. Those situations that I consider ripe for potentially less-than-ideal feelings or behavior (even if it's far less than cheating), I consider it wise to avoid.

 

I guess I'd liken it to this. If I'm sticking to a healthy diet, I'd rather avoid kicking back in McDonalds. Despite being committed to healthy food, I'm still human; why nap on a highway? Why chance it? Know yourself, know your weaknesses, and outsmart them preemptively. Sometimes it makes better sense to walk around the wall than trust yourself to smash through it.

 

It's not even always (or even usually) about my own feelings. My partner suspects that one of said friends has a "thing" for me; out of respect for her, I choose not to hang out alone with the girl. As I say, there are many different circumstances that make a close friendship more or less appropriate; what would feel perfectly natural with one friend might seem a little off with another. I prefer to judge each situation on it's own merits.

 

Trust as it's popularly imagined strikes me in many ways as quite delusional. "If you trust him it shouldn't matter that he's drunk, refusing to take your calls, and hanging out with his ex." I don't buy this kind of ... two dimensional notion of trust. Trust exists on a scale - it's not "on" or "off" - and, to a greater or lesser extent, every situation places a modifier on that value. Perhaps, intellectually, it "shouldn't" be that way; perhaps, intellectually, we should behave the same way no matter the circumstance or context. Likewise we should be able to stick to our diet while hanging out in fast food restaurants. But time and again reality shows us that, while we'll have our victories in the face of such odds, those odds will also often give us defeats. So I choose to plan for reality, not for perfection. Foresight and caution, I find, make for a better end than boundless trust in one's own discipline.

[Go Habs Go]

There's nothing wrong with it. I've had and still have female friends myself. But, I will not hesitate to tell them their boyfriend is bad news or if something isn't right. That's part of being a good friend.

[greywolf]

Ultimately doesn't it all depend on the relationship and it's boundaries and expectations between the couple?

 

If you're in a relationship with someone who finds it awkward for you to hangout with the opposite sex alone, without you - then shouldn't your partner come first? In all instances and in all scenarious regardless of the circumstances I have never found something too difficult for me to oblige to for my man.

 

It all depends on the understanding between the two people in the relationship.

 

I agree, but I also believe there is a limit to how much someone should cater to someone's feelings. Should I stop seeing one of my guy friends because my partner doesn't like it, and reward his insecurity? Or is it something that he needs to deal with to become a better and healthier person?

[Lucius]

I agree, but I also believe there is a limit to how much someone should cater to someone's feelings. Should I stop seeing one of my guy friends because my partner doesn't like it, and reward his insecurity? Or is it something that he needs to deal with to become a better and healthier person?

 

For me that would be a function of how valid his fears were. In any case I would compromise, out of a desire to meet a partner halfway (and to strike a balance between sensitivity and self-interest). The greater the validity of the concern, the greater the ensuing compromise. As partners, we're on the same side. For me it's not about "rewarding" or punishing; nor is it about teaching them life lessons concerning jealousy or clingyness. Instead, it's about creating harmony within a functional, happy frame-work.

[misssmithviii]

In my relationship we do not see it as catering to each other's needs at the expense of our own... but I guess that's because by some strike of luck we have the exact same expectations and boundaries. But in the event that we don't agree to some point, it's never been difficult for us to just, well - put each other first.

 

I am simply stating that I do believe that compromise is critical in a healthy relationship. Not like, laying down and becoming a doormat to your partner's every insecurity and whim - but I think compromising until your partner gets over that insecurity over time is important.

 

I hope I worded that well enough, but if not I'm open to clarify

[taxi10]

what I am certain is that most women-men won`t allow their significant others to hang out with their male -female friends.

Well, there are always exceptions ! - thanks for the diverse inputs you all contributed in the topic.