Going crazy maybe?

[MissD]

Hey everyone:

 

I need some advice, in the worst way, and value everyone's opinion here greatly. I'll try not and make this too long but there are some important details that should be included.

 

I've been with my current bf for 2 years. We met online and there is a 10 year age different (he's younger).

 

We physically met a year ago, when I went to spend 2 weeks with him. Things were great! I enjoyed my 2 weeks very much. I met his entire family and I came home feeling awesome about the entire thing.

 

Due to various things, both on his end and mine, we didn't see each other again until December '09. He stayed for a month - we were hoping for longer - but he only got a one month stamp on his passport (he's in the US, I'm in Canada).

 

During this month long trip, things were great for roughly 2 weeks. After that, I was really ready for him to go home. I totally distanced myself from him...I almost hated going home after work because I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

There was no reason...that I could find...as to why I felt this way. He didn't "do" anything specifically. I put it down to it being the stress of the holiday and my exhaustion level, the added family at home and I was just feeling as though I was being pulled in so many different directions.

 

He left Jan 1 and it was hard - I missed him - but our relationship carried on and we made plans for him to return April 1.

 

By April 7th, I was ready for him to go home again. This is even harder, because they gave him a six month stay this time on his passport and he wants to stay the entire time...where as...I don't think I can do it.

 

There's a couple of factors playing into this.

 

His family is a huge - problem.

 

For a very long time (meaning, before he was here the first time in December), his mom interferes with EVERYTHING. Our relationship started off great - she would send me text messages for a while - all very harmless. Then she started interfering with our relationship. Finances were a huge reason why it took from April '09 to December '09 for us to see each other again. She had decided it was because I didn't want to see him and was prolonging things. She sends me constant messages on facebook, is always leaving ridiculous comments here and there, about things she knows nothing about.

 

When he was here in December, she was calling everyday. He is her only son, and the first to be away from home for a prolonged period. I was very understanding of that, encouraging him to call home as often as possible for I know this is difficult on mom's and as sympathetic to that. However, if we were out for the day and he didn't call her, she was leaving messages - sometimes multiples - because she hadn't heard from him.

 

After he left in December, I talked to him about his mom specifically. While he was here, I discovered he was telling her EVERYTHING about our relationship. I began to think I was having a relationship with his entire family, not just him. I realize family's come with it all - good and bad - but this was REALLY excessive. For example, what ever I Told him had happened in my day, it ALL would get relayed back to his mother. I told him I couldn't handle that and he put a stop to it.

 

When he returned this April - things were worse. He didn't call home as much..but if she didn't hear from him, she was leaving me messages on facebook. In 3 days, I received 3 messages. I relayed everyone to him and by day 3, was getting pretty annoyed because he obviously wasn't calling home. On day 5 his cousin left him a message on the xbox saying "call your mom". On day 6 his mom left me a REALLY nasty message on facebook because he wasn't calling her. She HAS my phone # and could have called him at any point...but she was resorting to this instead. Finally - this past Sunday - she DID call and they talked.

 

When he bought his ticket - it was for 3 weeks - yet upon receiving his six month stamp to stay here, he wants to stay longer. Initially, I did to, but now it's like, I really want him to go home.

 

I love him...but living with him is so difficult.

 

Bugger...now here comes the tears.

 

I don't know if it's because I've lived alone for sooo many years and just find it difficult to live with someonee...I don't know if it's him...but this is so so hard. His family isn't helping. He does nothing to help around the house so I come home after working all day and find myself feeling as though I'm taking care of a child or something. I'm tired...exhausted to be honest...

 

I feel smothered...I tried explaining to him that in a "normal" relationship, where you both live in the same city, that you gradually spend more time together. You start to date...then you maybe have a night where he stays at your place or vice versa, then gradually you begin to live together. This...we went from one extreme to the other...and it's killing me.

 

He feels if he goes home it's not fair....that I"m not giving this a fair chance. I will admit, fully, that if I just told him "look, you need to start doing more around the house", he would. I know this for a fact. I'm just at the point though where I want him to go home more than I want to even ask.

 

Yet at the same time...I do realize that I'm likely not being fair. I know there's adjustments, on both ends, to be made. I feel completely pressured though, at the moment, to decide becase he's suppose to leave to go home on the 24th.

 

I'm lost. I'm crying myself to sleep most nights. Do I get him to stay another couple of weeks and see if this "OMG please go home now" feeling fades, or will that never change?

 

Has anyone been through this? Is it just being overwhelmed?

 

I feel like such a failure in some regards...but on the other...I'd give anything to just have my "normal" life back.

 

Thanks for any suggestions and words you may have.

[bellaboo916]

I would say that the best bet for you is to ask him to help you out a bit more, and his reaction will be key. If he is home all day and you are going to work, you may be resenting him for the free time to make a mess of youre home and not helping to get dinner made or clean up a bit.

Maybe you could suggest that he get a part time job so that he doesn't get stir crazy or lazy. You might also suggest that he could do some chores to help you because you are getting stressed out.

Tell him it's not all his fault, but it is difficult for you to get into a routine with him there if you are still trying to fit in your FULL routine around him being there, and getting all the same chores and stuff done without any help. Thats 2x the dishes and trash as you're used to.. And probably half or less of the relaxing You time that you need.

I would also talk to him about getting in touch with his mom. Tell him that its okay to tell her a little bit, just not all the personal details, suggest a 5 minute call per day versus 20 or more minutes. Remind him that this is his mom's first time having him away this long too and she must miss him and be worried that he has gone out of the country to see you.

Hope I helped a little. Maybe suggest he stay another 2 weeks and see how it goes. Just tell him not to get another ticket just yet. You've gotta see if he is long term material, and if he is a lazy butt, you won't be happy inthe long run. (My husband and I are ina similar situation, he is the lazy butt, and I am not currently happy)

No point in trying to figure out how long he should stay cause you may not want him as long s you suggest, just have him save the money or refund from the airline, and if it hapens that it isnt working out, just tell him that youre overwhelmed.

[ayekasong]

How old is your boyfriend? It almost seems as though he's barely 18, with the way his mother is hovering over him.

 

I do think you may need to give it more time. I went through a period of "in-law smothering" when I moved in with my husband after we were married. It lasted about 3 months, but eventually, they backed off. I wasn't getting facebook messages, but we were getting unannounced visits and unsolicited "advice" about what we needed to do with our new home and new relationship. Oh, my favorite was when his mom started bringing over food for him because she was afraid I wasn't cooking him meat, since I am a vegetarian.

 

It can be really hard to have a frank conversation with your boyfriend over this. My husband got really defensive when I would try to talk with him about his parents and their interference in our relationship. I'm not sure if your boyfriend is being defensive about your talks about this, but make sure you approach the subject in a very non-confrontational and sensitive manner. This is a problem, and it needs to be worked out, or your relationship will not work. He needs to have a conversation with his mom where he tactfully asks her to back off. Does he know how much this is upsetting you, or are you keeping it quiet?

 

I had also lived alone for many years - no roommate, or anything - and I found that I had to go through a period of adjustment when I moved in with my husband. So, you are right that this could be part of the problem, and the only thing that really fixes it is time.

[MissD]

Thanks for the advice. Amazingly, once I had hit "enter", I felt better but still was unsure about absolutely everything.

 

Because he's from the US, he can't work. In fact, if we decide to work this out and he applies for permanent status, he can't work during the entire 12-18 months this process takes.

 

He is 25 but has lived at home. Yeah, I'm hearing all the groaning already.

 

The thing is, he hasn't been defensive at all. Part of the problem now, with his mom, is she's all emotional and laying on the guilt trips because he's basically told her, frankly, that she's interfering and I can't stand it. He had no tact at all when talking with his mom....which has actually made it worse between her and I because now I'm just being mean.

 

I'm just...emotionally drained. We were GREAT (intimacy and all) the first 4 days after he got there...and then after that...it was right back to how I felt at Christmas. We barely talk but then, I'm so exhausted, I'm quite literally falling asleep on the couch about 7:00 and waking up in time for bed.

 

In my heart, I keep telling myself I need to give it more time, but on the other hand, I don't know if I have it in me.

 

Another troubling thing, which I forgot to add, his sister is pregnant and having a baby the end of May. Once he left, they gutted his room and made it the baby's room...so when I told him it may be best if he left on the 24th, he kept telling me he has no place to go home to, the baby has his room.

 

Talk about a guilt trip.

[ayekasong]

No groaning, I was just wondering if his age had to do with his mom's behavior.

 

You are in a pretty tough situation for sure. But, you're not responsible for him having a place to live, as it had not been agreed upon that he was coming to live with you permanently. It was just a visit.

 

I think you need to decide if you emotionally can give it more time. If you think you can, then I think you should. But if you cannot, then you simply can't. Perhaps it is just not the right time to give the living together thing a try, and maybe it would work better at another time. I think you should give yourself a few days to ponder this so you can make the decision.