Is this terribley wrong?

[jillianiyp]

So, my dad has always kind of had anger issues...

When he gets mad he throws stuff... like the other day my sister told me he threw a mug full of coffee accross the kitchen... And that's totally ridiculous. But he's always doing something... he left my mom 2 years ago or something like that, for a few months, he lived in a trailer. But my mom convinced him to go to marriage councelling with her, and he reluctantly agreed to go with her. I think things have been better with them since then... one of my sisters said that after he moved back home he was completely different. Way better attitude and everything. But i was talking to one of my other sisters the other day, and she told me about the flying mug of coffee incident, and she said how she wished he would just leave. And i'd always wished that when i lived at home too. I wished he would just leave so we didnt have to put up with his anger issues all the time. He used to drive long-haul, so we always were really happy when he had a trip to take down south to the states. And we were really happy when he was gone... and when he called to say he was half hour away from home our spirits dropped and we got prepared for him to come home and yell at us about who knows what. That was years ago, back when i was in middle/high school... but its started again now... is it wrong for us to want him to leave our mom? I don't know whats best for her... he doesn't hit her, i don't think... I hope... but we're just all so tired of his uncontrollable rage. Blah.

[Speranza]

It's not wrong. But if you don't live there, technically your Mum could think it's none of your business. Can you talk to her about things?

 

If your sister is a minor then there is an issue around making sure she is safe. Hot coffee can scar for life.

[jillianiyp]

how would it be none of my business? My mom talks about his issues all the time to me and my sisters.

[Speranza]

I said it COULD be. If your Mum talks all the time, she is making it your business and you could ask her how she intends to make sure none of them gets scalded.

 

Is she financially secure if he goes?

[jillianiyp]

he's not going to go. so thats a non-issue

[Speranza]

Ok - if SHE goes.

 

Can she afford to?

[jillianiyp]

she's not going to go either. we just wish he would. but no, i dont think she'd be able to afford to

[Speranza]

So your question is simply are you wrong to want it? Of course you aren't , It must be really frustrating though. If she talks so much to you about it, perhaps you and your sister could mabe steer the conversation a litle away from the problem and onto possible solutions...

[Tarkan]

What about trying to see where the rage comes from and how it can be solved ? There is always a reason or an explanation as to why people act like that. Running away seems like the easy solution, even if I understand why you feel bad about it. When my parents divorced, they used to fight the whole time and it was never fun when they had to see eachother.

[DirectDingo]

Yeah it might be a good idea to have a conversation with him and try to establish what's going on. I had anger problems growing up, but a lot of it was me simply reacting to the way people were treating me, ie hitting people who were trying to physically abuse me.

 

I think we all get mad sometimes and we deal with it differently. Some fly into fits of rage while others hide in a corner in silence. You definitely need to see what the underlying issues are and try to deal with them. It's entirely possible that this is a medical symptom. If he is just being nasty, then you perhaps need to have a conversation with your mom about how to deal with it best. There are a number of support groups and counselling specialists who deal with these types of issues.

 

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

[turnera]

Tell your dad the truth. That you all hate it when he's home and you wish he would stay away. I'll bet he's never heard that, not from his kids. That's all it took for my H to stop getting mad, to hear that his daughter was afraid of him.

[turnera]

Another thing you need to do is educate your mother about boundaries. Specifically, her boundary #1 needs to be 'when you yell or throw things, we will leave the house.' She needs to tell him this during a calm period, so he will be forewarned, given the opportunity to NOT get mad, since he now knows the consequences.

 

Period.

 

Get the kids to help her enforce this boundary. She will be scared to do it the first time, but if it works, she'll feel safer to do so next time. And he will learn that his family will no longer tolerate the anger.

[Danielle84]

That is NOT terrible. I wished that my whole child hood. I hate when people say that they stay together for the kids because in most cases the kids would rather they separate. I would just be there for your Mom but honestly there is nothing that you can say that is going to change her mind. Just know that you will not tolerate anyone treating you or your kids like that!!