Very confused about this guy

[Pixiemeat]

I've been seeing a guy for about two months but it's not been easy. We meet once a week and then on the weekend, but in between he hardly contacts me. I last saw him on Tuesday morning (he stayed over), and am meant to be seeing him tonight, but have heard nothing, not even a hi over text or email. This despite me emailing him. I just feel he doesn't take an interest and is very standoffish - I know he hasn't been in a relationship for about 4 years, but that's no excuse. Quite tempted to cancel tonight anyway, or am I being over the top?

 

Thanks

[teabee]

Don't cancel out of spite, without telling him what's up, because he probably won't get it. Tell him what's irritating you because sometimes people can't read your mind.

Are you guys exclusive?

Has he made comments saying he's not ready for something serious, or anything to that effect?

[Pixiemeat]

Hi teabee, thanks for giving me your thoughts. We are exclusive, and he's done this before, telling me we're going to meet and then not getting back to me about where or when until 6pm that same evening! I told him I don't like that and he seemed to catch on, for a bit. He's not overly chatty about relationships, says he likes spending time with me and that's about it. Lame I think.

[teabee]

It would annoy me, especially since you've already mentioned you don't like it when he takes so long getting back to you. I can't tell what's up with him. Lazy? Unmotivated? What are you looking for from this guy? If you're looking for something serious, I would guess this isn't the time for him to be involved in a serious relationship.

[TelecasterMaster]

Pixie - I can say that as a guy, I was almost exactly the same with my most recent ex. Not something I'm proud of of course, but looking back now, I realise that I just wasn't that in to her. We were okay for the first couple of months but it was around that point I started to realise I didn't really want to be there and she wasn't giving me 'the feeling'. At that point I should have been honest and broken up with her, but I kept it going in the ridiculous hope that I would suddenly fall for her or everything would suddenly be magical and I think I was also scared of singledom again. Instead, I just never felt like seeing her, was very aloof and didn't really want to talk about our relationship, would only text her when I absolutely had too and if we were due to meet I would also not text her with the plan until about half an hour before and when we did meet, I would want to be out of there as soon as possible. In the end, she met someone else and broke it off with me and I don't blame her at all. I should have been a man and broke it off with her when I realised she wasn't the right person for me. I found trying to stay with her and trying to make myself fall for her torturous and obviously the whole thing was horribly unfair on her as she liked me a lot and couldn't really understand what was going on. She knew something was wrong of course, but she didn't know what and I was to afraid and to selfish to be honest.

 

I'm not saying the same thing is going on with you, but it sounds awfully familiar. If you don't mind me asking, do you have a sex life with each other and how is it? I was reluctant to sleep with her as well as I didn't want her to fall for me any faster and I think I was trying to slow the whole thing up and of course the lack of chemistry didn't help either. I realise now that it should not all be this hard, specially after just a couple of months...

[TelecasterMaster]

We are friends now after I managed to explain all of this to her by the way, and I'm very happy that she is now seeing a guy who actually likes her and I hope he's the one for her - just to make me seem a bit less of an a**...

[Pixiemeat]

He's contacted me to call off tonight anyway as he's tired and has some stuff to sort out at home. I think we were due to meet each other over the weekend, but not sure. I think I should end it.

 

Tele - we do sleep together, it's ok, he's not very adventurous or proactive, but it's ok.

[TelecasterMaster]

Hmmm, it doesn't sound good. I would give him the ultimatum and give him one last chance to fess up and be honest and explain what's eating him but would otherwise end it. You don't wanna drag it out another 2 or 3 months like we did, will only lead to more pain for all...

[Nomadic Intent]

It does sound he doesn't know what he wants. Give him the ultimatum, no one likes being kept in the dark!

[ca-sunshine]

Your question sounds like two similar situations of mine, and TelecasterMaster's response sounds like what my exes were probably going through. Each relationship lasted only about two months.

 

The first time it happened, I was really confused, wondering why all the things you mentioned were going on. Seeing each other less and less, cancelling dates, no contact in between dates, not responding to calls/texts/emails, less enthusiasm to plan dates or during dates, spending more time with other people, suddenly really busy with all kinds of other things... I felt sad and sometimes angry too. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't speak up. In hindsight, it was obvious he didn't want a relationship with me. He ended up breaking up with me over the phone by telling me he was moving out of town in three days. Obviously something he had been planning, but made no mention of to me, and there wasn't anything I could say about it. Not cool.

 

But boy did that teach me a lesson. The next time I started noticing the same behaviors from the guy I was seeing and started having the same unpleasant feelings, I spoke up. Not accusingly, but definitely wanted to figure out what was going on. Even when it came down to the "big talk" and his chance to say what he was really thinking, it was still confusing. He didn't sound exactly like he wanted to break up, but certainly didn't say anything to indicate that he would try to improve the situation. That, along with the actions I had gotten from him and my own deja vu feelings, was enough for me to walk away. I'm not saying that you should do this just to have the upper hand, but if being in such a short relationship with him is making you feel confused or sad, and he doesn't do anything to relieve that or makes it worse, you need to be the one to leave. Like TelecasterMaster suggested, don't let it drag on. It was so so so hard to be the one to end it, but I honestly feel a lot better about myself and my self-esteem that I was able to speak up, and took my own happiness into my own hands.