Is it me that's wrong here?

[watchingstorms]

Almost 5 months after the breakup my ex just can't believe that I can't be happy for him and for us to be 'the best of friends', carrying on like we were never anything other. Is he in denial or am I being unreasonable? I feel like he has his head well and truly stuck in the sand, if he ignores the reality he has nothing to be guilty for. But he speaks with such calm conviction that I'm starting to think maybe it's me....?

 

Any opinions?

[Xylitol]

My take on this is that it was one sided love, you never loved him while he was totally in love with you. He tried to be with you, and you just went along into this relationship without really ever caring for him, he tried everything for you, and you got fed up with him.

 

Or in other words do you really love him?

 

If the answer has always been NO, then i think you should never have been with him in the first place. Love has got to go both ways.

[watchingstorms]

Oh how I wish that were true! I loved him, whole heartedly and unconditionally and I am truly heartbroken that he has left and moved on from me so quickly.

[Etoile]

I can understand how you feel. 5 months isn't that long and maybe you are not over him yet. If you are not over him yet then it is impossible to be friends.

 

You also hinted that he should feel guilty for something. Was the break up messy or did he treat you badly? In that case I can understand that you can't feel happy for him, especially if he treated you badly. In time you will heal and may even be able to wish him well. He probably doesn't realise how insensitive he is being expecting you to be friends with him and wishing him well.

[SadAndy]

I hear you totally! I broke up with my ex 2 months ago after 14 years together. In the last 5 years she cheated on my twice with the same bloke, the last time being for the last 18 months up until we broke up and then she left me for a younger bloke.

 

She showed a complete lack of interest in me or doing anything as a family in the last 3 years or so and has now cost me a fortune, forced me to move out, effectively taken my daughter away from me as I only see her a couple of times a week (around shift work) and has moved the new bloke in and is having a great life at my expense.

 

And yet, she 'still wants us to be mates', 'doesn't like the bad feeling' and cant work out why I don't bend over backwards to make her life easy for her!

 

You've got to ask if these people are for real! I too am left wondering whether she truly doesn't understand the severity of what shes done or is simply too arrogant.

She has even started to 'neglect'our daughter. Not physically but emotionally by keep palming her off on relatives why she works and goes out with the new bloke.

 

Unreal!

[The Wheel]

Almost 5 months after the breakup my ex just can't believe that I can't be happy for him and for us to be 'the best of friends', carrying on like we were never anything other. Is he in denial or am I being unreasonable? I feel like he has his head well and truly stuck in the sand, if he ignores the reality he has nothing to be guilty for. But he speaks with such calm conviction that I'm starting to think maybe it's me....?

 

Any opinions?

 

It sounds like you simply haven't been able to move past him yet. You can't be happy for someone, be friends, if you're still hung up on what you had. That he can't believe it means two things: 1) He's already moved on and 2) He's not terribly understanding.

 

When I break things off with a girl I know it's a bad idea to reach out for any sort of contact until a good amount of time has passed. Because when I've been in her shoes I know I've needed space to get my head on straight. If she was constantly in my life it would delay my process, and that's no good.

 

You can't be happy for him because you probably need more time apart.

[mi-amor]

Anyone who still likes or even still loves the person they have chosen to break up with would naturally want to stay friends.

 

His need for friendship could be quite genuine, you still have a place in his heart and an important role to play in his life.

 

And even though he has decided to end the relationship because it wasnt working for him, and he generally feels ok about it, to a degree the pain of separation will still bite.

 

There might even be some genuine guilt or second thinking in there somewhere.

 

Whichever way, obvious reasons for the desire to stay in touch. He has the comfort of the continuing friendship. The limited ammount of pain he would have felt of losing you completely is avoided because you are still there in a capacity which he requires you to be. And lastly of course, any guilt or second thoughts are automatically eliminated making way for a very easy recovery for him.

 

Selfish? unthoughtful? Call it what you will, its really just human nature. Often from their blinkered perspective, they can't see a logical reason for NOT being friends.

 

Unfortunately for many of us left behind, attempting to maintain friendship brings nothing but confusion and misery. NC is the only route possible. Getting them to understand your reasoning and respect your choice of NC is not easy. Sticking to your own choice of NC can be even harder.

 

After Six months of NC (i was the dumpee) i received a very emotive request for friendship via email from my ex. (i uploaded it onto here a while back). I have battled with the idea of how to reply for weeks, i finally did yesterday.

 

As much as i care for my ex because he is a good guy really, and as much as i appreciated his honesty about his feelings, i had to decline. Openly explaining that i didn't want or need any contact. That i wasn't ready to be demoted to friend status. That what i felt for him was still so much more than that. That i was sorry he felt punished but that friendship right now would only prevent me from healing and as someone once said on here, that is not what friendship is about.

 

When you are able i suggest you do the same thing. make it clear as to your reasons and go NC.