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Another Fleeting Bipolerism


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I'm not actually bipolar, I don't think anyway, but when I get insecure, I start panicking and jumping to conclusions. I am aware of that but I am feeling it at the moment and need a place to vent. I've been with my boyfriend for 3-4 months and we've had bad times (near the beginning mostly), but they got better since we've been addressing our own personal insecurities and issues. For the most part, I am happy with him. It's just that I can't really be happy with anyone, I guess.


I felt like this a lot with my ex fiancee but I loved him to death and was widly attracted to him. I used to just feel like my ex didn't really love me even though I didn't have a real reason to feel that way. If he wasn't paying attention to me at a certain moment, I would get down on myself and feel rejected.


Well, my current boyfriend started out VERY lovey dovey. He came on very strong and was VERY attentive. It scared me at first, but then I came to really enjoy it. I liked the attention and it was nice to be appreciated. But now that the "honeymoon" stage is wearing off and he decided to delcare an absolutely no touching policy (beyond hugging and kissing) until marriage, I feel a certain emptiness with him.


The funny thing is that I've been keeping myself extra busy so it's not like I need to get a life. I've been really involved in church functions, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in the kids that I forget he is even there with me. I don't feel much of anything towards him and I'm not sure why. But then when we spend a few hours alone together, talking or shopping, I feel connected and attracted to him. But if I don't see or talk to him for a few days, he is like a stranger to me and I don't really want to be touched by him.


It was that with my ex too. It's not that I punish them for being away from me for too long It's just that they feel like strangers and I no longer feel closeness. Is that normal? That scares me! It makes me feel like a sociopath, but I know I would never harm anyone and I know that I still do have feelings for my boyfriend. It's just that my feelings only exist when they are there. But when they are gone, my feelings are gone too!


I felt sad tonight when I was with my boyfriend, after church. He was rambling on and on about stuff and I just felt like he was in another world. Or maybe I was. We just didn't connect. He's been asking me about my day every day now but I feel like it's just to be polite. I honestly don't think he cares one way or the other. He looks bored when I talk, then changes the subject to himself. I don't feel close. I felt the same way with my ex sometimes but I loved him so much and was very attracted to him, so I know that it's not an attraction issue. Or maybe not talking for a few days just turns me off. I don't know.


I just feel sad and lonely. I have things going on in my life, but no steady work. Maybe that's why I feel especially lonely. I just feel disconnected. I know why in some ways, but sometimes I don't know why.

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I feel like that sometimes too. I love my bf to death but if I don't feel like being lovey dovey with him, I simply don't. I haven't seen him in awhile either (since Saturday) and since then I've been extremely busy in my life. It really does feel like your pushing them away sometimes.


I'm not terribly lonely but I do miss being around him.

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