keeping gifts from the ex...

[backsplash]

Okay. This is going to seem a silly one, but I know the people on this forum have continually set me straight so...

I love my husband; he is a wonderful man and we have hit some bumps, some of which I have posted here, but have come a loong way.

 

Anyway, when we first moved in together, I came accross some stuff associated with his ex's...pics on a computer we both share, old cards that were in a box at the bottom of our closet...No big deal, but I did ask him if he could move the pics to a folder that I didn't stumble upon every time I loaded new pics on our computer...he didn;t move them, and one day when I brought it up again, he sincerely said I could just delete them, so I said I'd rather he just put them somewhere in another file not with ours, he didn't so I did. I regret that I did..I thought it a little weird that he didn't do it himself, but anyway..

 

Just for the record, I wasn't snooping...these things were easy to notice...

and yes, I tend to be the jealous type, but I'm smart enough to know that 99% of that is due to my own insecurties, and some past experiences...

 

So that brings me to yesterday...you are all going to laugh at me, becasue there are bigger fish to fry, but what the heck, this is my fish so here it goies...yesterday, I picked up a book off of his bookshelf to read to someone and the title caught my eye, I thought it may help my friend, one of those inspirational quote books...He told me to take it, wasn't hiding anything...but the darn book has this sweet little note from one of his ex girlfriends, and it sits displayed on a bookshelf that I look at every day.

 

I didn't say anything becasue I didn't want to act on my insecurities...but the damn thing has been plaguing me all day. Why keep on display a sentimetal gift from an ex? I want to be strong and secure enough to not say a word...we are moving soon, maybe he won't put it out again. But I'm annoyed! Why not keep it in a hidden box?

 

Yet, its only a book. One that maybe he likes to look at for its content and not because of who its from. And I know that we don't delete our pasts because it shapes us...I keep all my stuff like that...Oh I don't know...what do you all think?

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think you shouldn't let this bother you.

 

I keep and listen to CD's from my exes. I read books that were given as gifts and keep them in shelves. I have jewelry that I still wear and trinkets around my apartment in random places.

 

However, I don't associate these things with my exes at all. They are just things that I acquired over the years.

[InaDaze87]

I had this problem with my now very recent ex. she was insecure as you are now about my ex of 4 years and every time something would pop up that even slightly reminded her of my previous ex she would get all bent out of shape or make some smart comment. Long story short i ended up having to pretty much hide or get rid of everything that had to do with my past relationship and life with any other girl but her. Now we are broken up after almost 2 yrs. I feel like you already know you are wrong cause you said it like 5 times in your post. Plus it's not only jealousy but it is also a little selfish especially when you consider you too have a past with others and dont feel like you keepsakes should be hidden or gotten rid of. Don't make him resent you like I resent my current ex for things like this. Little issues like this can snowball quickly into other bigger problems down the rode. Like being CONTROLING!!!

[backsplash]

me, me too..lots of things that I use on a daily basis are from my ex....clothes, my computer, CD's... I think why this book bothers me is because it is displayed on (not in) the shelf and the note on the inside cover says something like "this is a reminder of all the wonderful things you tell me. I love you so much."

[Cognitive_Canine]

So, what do you want him to do? Throw out the book because his ex wrote in it?

 

You have a past, he has a past. Things accumulate over time.

 

Why does it bother you?

[backsplash]

oh boy when you put it that way...no I don't want him to throw out a book because his ex wrote in it. And I don't want to give a book that much power!

I think my problem is thinking too hard about what everything must mean...does this mean he isn't over this girl from ten years ago? does he wish he had that part of his life, not the life with me? All that nonsense.

 

Thanks for helping me tap into my strenghth and secure side

[Cognitive_Canine]

oh boy when you put it that way...no I don't want him to throw out a book because his ex wrote in it. And I don't want to give a book that much power!

I think my problem is thinking too hard about what everything must mean...does this mean he isn't over this girl from ten years ago? does he wish he had that part of his life, not the life with me? All that nonsense.

 

Thanks for helping me tap into my strenghth and secure side

 

You're better than this. You are a more secure and stronger person than what you are acting like right now.

 

You know this steams from insecurity. Don't feed that part of you. It's not the kind of person you want to be.

[DN]

I keep all my stuff like that...

.............................

[backsplash]

Oh by the "i keep stuff like that"...I mean I have a box of old letters from my first boyfriend which was in my mother's attic and probably still is (I never checked though)...and my ex husband bought me clothes, my computer, and made many many many CD's over the course of our relationship...

I still use the computer, i can't afford a new one anyway...i still have and wear clothes because I'm not wealthy, they aren't sentimetal and I never think of him when I wear them...I did in fact get rid of a few CD's that had hearts drawn on them...the others are still in my CD case...

 

The difference is that none of those items retain a sentimental value for me and none of those things have love notes on them. I use them on a daily basis too. He doesn't use the book, it just sits there with the note glaring at me when I sit at our computer. I guess I am being a hypocrite...I don't know...

I didn't bring it up last night, because I'm working on being a stronger more secure woman. But yes, its still in my head. I'm going to try and deal with my feelings on this one though without bringing it up to him; I really don't think he is diong anything hurtful on purpose...

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's a book. I'd be more concerned if he WAS using it on a daily basis. Reading it over and over again. Instead, it's sitting on shelf, gathering dust.

 

You keep things from exes with no sentimental value, why do you believe he has different reasons from you?

[backsplash]

Well...it has been a week since I saw the book and I have not said anything about it. Nor have I gotten mad over other things as a way to vent annoyance over a stupid book. I am pretty proud of myself....In fact after the first couple of days that I was on here postintg about it, I actually stopped noticing it at all. This is a big deal for me, and I;m sure others...to "sit" with a feeling and own it as my feeling but not necesarily one that my significant other has to fix is a HUGE accomplishment!

 

But my story goes on...while letting myself sit with the uncomfortability of the darn book, I started to consider where all this fear is coming from...after all it is just a book. WHat I realize is that I have a general fear of abandonment and am pretty insecure in my marriage. My insecurity has led to fighting and possessiveness on my part which has led to distance between my partner and I, which leads to more insecurity, and more figting, and more distance...so the cycle continues.

 

I am trying desperately to stop this cycle. There is a part of me that feels that it is too late. On the surface things appear fine with my husband and I, but I just get the feeling that things are not the same, that much has changed due to our arguing. I am afraid that we have caused too much damage. Some people may look at our fighting and think it silly, but boith him and I are sensitive and always seriously affected by arguing...we seem to bounce back quickly-hugs and sex, but I think that is just to get rid of the pain of the arguments. In reality, I end of feeling "beat up" and worn out. At this point my fears are out of control, even though I haven't brought them up.I fear he no longer is in love with me the way he used to be. I can't even talk to him about it, becasue I am trying to appear strong. I know most people would say I should be able to talk to my SO about anything and to be honest. But at this point I feel like things just need to be left alone. We need to alleviate the drama in our marriage, even if it means me sucking it up and not telling him how worried I am.

 

This was longer than expected. ANy feedback would be helpful. Somehow getting it all out on this forum has continued helped me more than imaginable.