Defriending Ex on Facebook

[alphavelli]

man this is one of the very few things everybody says to do that i haven't done. i'm really on the fence about de-friending the ex b/c i know 100% she will take it the wrong way. it will make her think i hate her and that i'm immature and childish. i know this because i agree with her and we've talked before about how it's really dumb to de-friend ex's and all of your ex's friends, we got defriended from a girl who dumped my room mate and thought it was so stupid.

 

but at the same time, i really want to just move on and not risk seeing something that would upset me. as of right now, i haven't logged into facebook in the last month at all, all because i logged on one day and saw something that sent me into depression, i learned my lesson and haven't logged on since.

 

i wouldn't delete all her friends, just my ex and block her as well so i wouldn't see pics she's tagged in. should i do it? for those of you who did do it, how did you feel afterwards? was there any backlash from ur ex?

[JonasWaingaro]

I agree the entire FB thing looks ridiculous and largely is ridiculous. That said, look what you wrote. I believe you answered your own question. No matter how ridiculous FB and social sites are, the info on them can be incredibly hurtful and set you back. Is it worth that pain? Sounds like you already know that it is not. Keep up the good work! Not logging on for a month is a great start.

[BIGIDFSH]

I did it because I couldn't stand seeing his updates, then I regretted doing it because I couldn't see his updates, lol. But now I am glad again because it helped me move on a lot faster. You have to do what is best for you It doesn't matter who thinks it's dumb. And if you get backlash from your ex it's probably because he/she is angry they can't keep a FB eye on you

[shessofly]

i don't think it's stupid at all. now that you are on the other side, you can see why others deleted their ex's on facebook. because they don't want to get hurt, especially if they did not want the relationship to end. you could block first, then delete if you are still unable to avoid seeing her updates/pics.

[iBroken]

Yes....do it....no questions asked

 

Are you the dumpee? If so, why do you care what it might do to her? She hurt you by ending the relationship. You need to do whats right for you to properly heal.

[Tanzi]

Its not stupid to defriend an ex on Facebook. Agreeing that it is stupid when you are both happy is one thing but its completely different when things come to an end and you are faced constantly with an ex's update .... especially if they are happy updates. If it is something that you feel you need to do so then go ahead. Why worry what your ex thinks anyway. Part of moving on is not letting an ex have any influence on our decisions. If your ex doesn't or can't understand why you would want to defriend her then she is being immature by not accepting that it may just be something you need to do.

[doiiiieeezie]

Do it or hide their activities. My ex is still on mine... and I don't care what he thinks about why. You shouldn't care either... social networking has it's purposes. Playing mind games on it is not one of them.

[thinkdan]

Its not stupid to defriend an ex on Facebook. Agreeing that it is stupid when you are both happy is one thing but its completely different when things come to an end and you are faced constantly with an ex's update .... especially if they are happy updates. If it is something that you feel you need to do so then go ahead. Why worry what your ex thinks anyway. Part of moving on is not letting an ex have any influence on our decisions. If your ex doesn't or can't understand why you would want to defriend her then she is being immature by not accepting that it may just be something you need to do.

 

100% true.

 

You agreed both that it might be stupid....BEFORE the breakup. You feel much different now. I was in the exact same boat. We both laughed at other people for doing this...but now I just bleed when I see her updates on FB. To see her going out to parties without me...celebrating her birthday without me...going and doing * * * * ty things to get a new guy....it hurts too much to see what she might be doing.

 

This is a key I am learning with my divorce. I need to move on, and I can't be stuck on thinking about what she is doing, or may have done in the past...that will NOT help me get over this. It is soooo hard. I know, but de-friending on FB was prolly the best thing I have done besides remaining NC through all of this. Oh and making sure I keep my motorcycle

[orchidrose]

When I broke up with my last ex, I just "hid" all of his (and his friends') activities so I wouldn't have to see them. But since he was still my friend on FB, every so often pictures or something un-hideable would show up.

 

A few months ago, after getting a jolt to my system by seeing pictures of him with his ex, I asked myself if we were actually still real-life friends. I hadn't spoken to him since the break-up, and had no interest in doing so, so I just de-friended him. It didn't feel childish or selfish. It felt like the right thing to do.

[prettymommy]

Defriend. I stayed FB friends with my ex and his family for 3 months after our split and saw somethings I just did not want to see or know. At first I was kicking myself for defriending him and hated not knowing what he as up to, but it eventually made it much easier to move on and heal.

 

FB is so over-rated these days. I hardly go on there or post anything anymore.

[o_hopeless_o]

Defriend. I stayed FB friends with my ex and his family for 3 months after our split and saw somethings I just did not want to see or know. At first I was kicking myself for defriending him and hated not knowing what he as up to, but it eventually made it much easier to move on and heal.

 

FB is so over-rated these days. I hardly go on there or post anything anymore.

 

I agree. I deleted my ex right away. And Two of his friends. Why? One, I know these people do not care about friendships with me that much & I will never ever really see them anymore, and Two for the reason this poster stated above. It def helps you heal faster.

[J1535]

Getting rid of her as a facebook friend was one of the best things that could have happened to me, it helped so much

[alphavelli]

i guess that pretty much settles it, i need to defriend her.... i am actually one of the rare people that listen to advice from a forum, most people here are fishing for answers.

 

with that said, i'm not scared of defriending her b/c i'll regret having access to her page, that's something i would do on my own. i'm scared b/c i've tried so hard to keep my persona of this really isn't effecting me, i know i shouldn't care what she thinks but i just dont want her to know i'm bothered u kno? too me, it just shows it obviously still effects me, which i don't want her to know.

 

but i am going to defriend her, should i change my relationships status to single so she can see it before or after i defriend her? i know this isn't a game but i kinda want her to see me listed as single, i know it hurt me when i saw her do that.

[Tanzi]

i know i shouldn't care what she thinks but i just dont want her to know i'm bothered u kno? too me, it just shows it obviously still effects me, which i don't want her to know.

 

but i am going to defriend her, should i change my relationships status to single so she can see it before or after i defriend her? i know this isn't a game but i kinda want her to see me listed as single, i know it hurt me when i saw her do that.

 

I understand how you feel but it doesn't matter that it shows that it still affects you, what matters is showing that you are preparing to move on. That will be just as affective as keeping her on Facebook.

 

If it makes you feel better list yourself as single, wait a day, then defriend her.

 

If she wants to know why you defriended her be truthful and say that it wasn't done as an immature reaction or to get a reaction, it was done simply because it is something you needed to do to move on.

[lambmonster]

I only recently de-friended my ex. For about 2 months after he broke up with me, we stayed "friends" so I told myself it would be rude to remove him. However, I found that I'd obsessively stalk his page and see updates/photos that would just hurt me more and make me regret even clicking on that stupid link to his page...

 

I told him that I was de-friending him and removing him from my MSN and said goodbye. He said he understood and that he wouldn't contact me. I don't regret it. Probably one of the best things I could have done to help further along my healing.

[kelly155]

I would say defriend your ex.

 

When my ex broke up with me he still really wanted to be friends, but I didn't. Basically, I didn't want to be the "friend" who hears about his new relationship when he moves on so I went NC right away. But I couldn't seem to let go so I made the BIG mistake to leave him on facebook. Well, 2 and a half weeks later he cut me off. I figured because he was maybe seeing another girl or maybe he just didn't want me in his life anymore. Either way, him cutting me off HURT me so bad. I still had two of his friends on my facebook, but I left them on thinking I didn't want to be a jerk and remove them- because I didn't want anyone to know that I was bothered by him cutting me off. I left his friends on my facebook for 2 weeks until I saw tagged pics of him through there facebook- things I didn't want to see or know. So I decided that instead of getting my feelings hurt all the time- I would defriend all his friends and block them & him.

 

I swear I thought it was going to hurt me even more not knowing what was going on in his life, but honestly it was for the best because I am doing so much better NOT knowing....

[TheJerseyKid]

Last time I split up with my current ex (a year ago, we rebroke a week ago almost to the minute) we made a mutual agreement that we should defriend each other. Didn't mean we didn't care for each other, we both knew we just didn't want to read into status too far, or see pictures that might hurt us. This time around, we didn't even have to say anything, I just de friended her, and out of curiosity, I did a search on a facebook of her name and e-mail. Nothing came up. Which means she has me blocked entirely. I know this is because we have about 20 or so mutual friends on facebook, and she probably didn't want to see my picture if I happened to comment on one of their pages or status'. Me of a few years ago would have gone nuts and asked her "omg why did you block me" but by now I think we both know it's for the best. I'm sure well be friends on there again some day, either when we reconcile, or when we are both fully over the situation. Either way its a great idea. I have absolutely 0 idea what she is up to, and its making the situation that much easier. Last time when we only de-friended and didn't block eachother, id still see her pics/comments/etc. This drove me absoutely insane.

[J1535]

Either way its a great idea. I have absolutely 0 idea what she is up to, and its making the situation that much easier. Last time when we only de-friended and didn't block eachother, id still see her pics/comments/etc. This drove me absoutely insane.

 

This is exactly why it's a good thing. If you know what they're doing and who they're with it makes it so much harder and you constantly wonder what they are doing. I have no idea what my ex has been up to and I really don't care anymore

[The Wheel]

i'm scared b/c i've tried so hard to keep my persona of this really isn't effecting me, i know i shouldn't care what she thinks but i just dont want her to know i'm bothered u kno? too me, it just shows it obviously still effects me, which i don't want her to know.

 

but i am going to defriend her, should i change my relationships status to single so she can see it before or after i defriend her? i know this isn't a game but i kinda want her to see me listed as single, i know it hurt me when i saw her do that.

 

There's some merit to your first point. You're deriving some worth out of the appearance that you don't care and are unaffected. If that's important to you then I wouldn't remove her at all. Oh, hide all of her updates and don't ever visit her profile, but if the best revenge is living well, then I expect you to go out there and live well.

 

But the relationship status? No, that's pointless. I'd remove the option altogether. It is a silly thing.

[abitbroken]

Defriend Defriend Defriend

 

They don't get a notification when someone has defriended them. They probably won't notice for awhile. It will be healing to not see any updates. You have moved on.

 

One of the best things I did was to defriend my ex.

[torontonotes]

Just so you guys know (someone in the previous reply mentioned it)

 

by "blocking" someone, they are automatically defriended. I learned this the hard way, I "blocked" my ex- instantly felt guilty... went to unblock him and he was no longer on my friends list.

 

You literally have to re-request their friendship. And oh, yes- they do notice. Well, at least in my case- my ex noticed straight away.

[dazed_83]

for those of you who did do it, how did you feel afterwards? was there any backlash from ur ex?

 

I felt pretty good, my ex hardly used facebook anyway. I dont know how she felt about it, as we have not spoken since, that was 3 and a half months ago.

 

I have often wondered if she was upset about it, maybe it has stopped her contacting me, but i doubt it. She left me, and is now with someone else, and I dont want to know any of the details. So I stand by my decision to delete her.

 

You have to put yourself first now, so what if it upsets her? She made her bed. By keeping her as a friend you will always tun the risk of seeing pics of her with some other guy, can you handle that?