Teen Brother in trouble and mom is making matters worse...

[aporia14]

My 17 year-old brother is not doing well. He was arrested for an assault charge that started out as self-defense but his peers that came to his aide made it into an assault charge and they are pressuring him to take the fall for the entire thing. My brother is now saying that he was responsible for it and he is going to plead guilty.

 

This is a horrible experience and he is not helping himself. He goes to school when he feels like it. He goes out all the time with his friends. I strongly believe he is also using drugs and he is depressed. My mom cannot speak to him because he gets angry and starts yelling.

 

My mom is Bi-polar and she is very passive-aggressive. She is constantly nagging him about everything. She also freaks-out about the most insignificant things. She is not emotionally stable and she is always looking for other people to help but she never follows through with their recommendations. My brother was never this rude and troubled until my mom found out he was smoking pot and sent him to a state-runned program that housed him with delinquents. My brother came back from this program a completely different person. His behavior is erratic.

 

I see a lot of anger, frustration, and sadness when I look at him. All my mother does is quarrel and try to get more people and more programs to throw at him. I see her frustrations but I also think she needs to be calmer at this time. I feel like she is pushing him away by acting like this. What role should I play in all this? My mother looks to me for strength and guidance(which she doesn't always follow). How can I communicate with him? Should I telling how much I love and care about him, let him be and hope that he comes to me when he needs me? Sometimes I am not good with this unconditional love stuff. Where is the line in being an enabler and being taken for granted?

[turnera]

I would help him look into some sort of boot camp environment he can sign up for. I take it his dad is not in the picture? Which is why most guys end up like this.

 

What he needs is to learn goals and accomplishments, and he's not going to get that there.

[teabee]

How old are you? You are his older sister? I doubt he will come to you of his own accord, but that doesn't mean he does not desperately desire some love and support. I would acknowledge to him that your mom isn't helping and let him know that you are his family and you're with him no matter what. Maybe it would be good for him to hear from someone else that your mother isn't handling it well--validation--and good for him to hear that he's not alone. Strong family ties is one of the many protective factors against delinquency.

[aporia14]

I would help him look into some sort of boot camp environment he can sign up for. I take it his dad is not in the picture? Which is why most guys end up like this.

 

What he needs is to learn goals and accomplishments, and he's not going to get that there.

 

 

No, his father is not in the picture. He definitely needs to learn goals and accomplishments but my mom is not very good with consistency. Do these Boot camps take you by force? I definitely think he needs some behavioral health treatment but most programs need you to go voluntarily, which he is not agreeing to do. I know he is basing this on his previous experience.

[turnera]

What I had in mind was that you can do some research into it, maybe find some that sound good, that maybe even he would think sound like something worthwhile. Not a punishment camp, but a building up camp. Like some sort of summer camp situation. There are hundreds of different kinds, and they don't all have to be physical literal boot camps, they could be one for musicians, or one for chemistry buffs, or Space Camp, etc. These types of things are uplifting, encouraging, hopeful - not punishment.

 

What he really needs is to get out of his toxic habits and toxic environment.

 

I was just thinking a couple days ago that if I was rich, I would buy a farm, and give out grants for troubled kids to come to it and learn how to farm, ranch, work hard, do physical labor - which almost no kids get these days, so they miss out on the wonderful endorphins your body produces from hard physical labor. It literally makes you feel good. Plus, you learn that you CAN produce something, contribute something, be WORTH something. It sounds like that's what your brother is lacking. And nothing accomplishes that like a goal that requires hard work to accomplish.

 

If nothing else, help him find a summer job that will do the same thing.