Desperately needing advice...

[l0n3ly]

My fiance and I are talking about separating. He wants us to stay together, but I just don't know anymore. I don't feel like I'm in love with him. We've got a 2 year old daughter together and she'll be going back to our home state with me to be with family and friends and so I can clear my head. Neither one of us has gone through anything like this before, and I was wondering what kind of "rules" there are or whatever when you are going through a separation.

He told me he'll change, he'll be better, he'll treat me like I deserve to be treated and do things for me every day to show me that he loves me and he said he'll go to anger management. Which he told me a dozen times before when I *ALMOST* left but he guilted me into staying. and things would be okay for a bit but theyd always go back to normal. but when he tells me this, its like...it doesn't matter. i dont know if its just too little too late, or what. i'm lost.

i also think that i've fallen in love with one of my best guy friends. he's always been there for me. he's the sweetest most kind-hearted person that i know. and i didnt mean for it to happen, but it just did. i know he feels the same for me. how am i supposed to figure out my feelings for him, on top of if i even love my fiance anymore...?

there are 3 questions in there somewhere... i guess i may have phrased them the wrong way. but please help... i know i sound like a mess. and i guess i really am right now.

 

 

-If you want to know about my fiance and our relationship, heres what my problems are..

My fiance has a horrible temper. He killed my dog, and it wasnt just that he killed her, it was how. it was cruel. he kicked her and threw her into a wall twice. He feels like a roommate really, and that we're just raising a baby together. I've told him a million times that I need him to be sweet and romantic and act like he cares, and up to this point he hasnt acknowledged that. Only when it comes to this point does he say he'll change.

I don't think he'd try to get full custody, and even if he did I don't think he could get it. Thank you for your advice everyone.

 

[Sanesoul]

Leave this man. Go home to your support network. This man is unstable and no amount of telling you he is going to change matters at all.

 

He killed your dog?? I mean, come on now, do stable people do that?

[BIGIDFSH]

He killed your dog and you're still needing advice? Ok, he won't change and it will get worse. Go visit your family and don't go back. Good luck and be safe

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It starts off with cruelty to animals..then it progresses to cruelty to humans. This is a no-brainer....leave immediately. As for the friend....be very careful because lots of people in abusive situations "fall in love" or what they think is love, for someone who "takes them away" from the abusive situation. It is a very bad idea to leave an abusive situation only to walk immediately in to a new relationship. You need some time on your own, NOT in a relationship, to figure out who you are, to focus on your child, to get YOU back. How come you never felt feelings for your friend before? Often it is gratefulness rather than real love that women in abusive situations feel for the "other man" who is treating them nicely.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is beyond cruel, how could you not report him for killing your dog? That should have been your clue to run when that happened.

[sidehop]

It starts off with cruelty to animals..then it progresses to cruelty to humans. This is a no-brainer....leave immediately.

 

Yep, if you even think twice this man will change, he won't. I'd be more afraid for your safety as he obviously has issues of his own that's never been sorted out.

 

I would get full legal & physical custody if I were you and leave him. Granted the father figure is important but you're the only person that know him well enough to understand the child's needs.

[Shortpants]

Yes, please get out now and don't look back. If it was that easy to throw your dog against a wall and kill it, how do you know it won't be you, or even worse, your daughter next time? Abusers are not terribly selective in the target of their violence, and if he gives so little thought to one life, why would another be any different?

 

I would move ahead with you and your daughter "going to stay with family to clear your head", and once there and free of his grasp, get the plan rolling to get away from him permanantly. Be careful and make sure to keep you and your dauhgter safe. It soundsl like you will have the support of friends and family, and that is very important.

 

Good luck, stay strong and take care of yourself and your little one.

[Naru]

what ethnicity are you? i mean are u and the father different ethnicities? i kno this sounds strange, but i knew someone in this situation and the in-difference between the two were creating stress, and if you really want to make this work, try see what he wants im not saying attend to his every desire but communication, constantly trying to change a person creates tension, and most bad relationships end because of selfishness plain in simple, and remember hes only a man.

[doiiiieeezie]

Yep, if you even think twice this man will change, he won't. I'd be more afraid for your safety as he obviously has issues of his own that's never been sorted out.

 

I would get full legal & physical custody if I were you and leave him. Granted the father figure is important but you're the only person that know him well enough to understand the child's needs.

 

^ agreed.

 

The first concern is your childs welfare as well as your own. Move back with family, and if that is not possible, find the nearest womens shelter that can provide you emergency shelter, assistance and most of all, security.

 

if you really want to make this work, try see what he wants im not saying attend to his every desire but communication, constantly trying to change a person creates tension, and most bad relationships end because of selfishness plain in simple, and remember hes only a man.

 

He killed her dog. There is nothing to work out.

[monkeygirl12]

mine killed my fish, because I said "mmm" about something that was happenin on tv and he thought i was saying "mmm" about the guy on tv.. and now im feeling like yoU!!!!! it sucks... I WISH YOU THE BEST & pray...

[shessofly]

what ethnicity are you? i mean are u and the father different ethnicities? i kno this sounds strange, but i knew someone in this situation and the in-difference between the two were creating stress, and if you really want to make this work, try see what he wants im not saying attend to his every desire but communication, constantly trying to change a person creates tension, and most bad relationships end because of selfishness plain in simple, and remember hes only a man.

 

i disagree with this. the man has a major anger problem and very cruelly killed her dog. the relationship is already rocky. no amount of stress justifies that behavior. i've had plenty of situations where i've/my partner have been stressed and have NEVER experienced anything like this.

 

bottom line, if you are unsure don't do it. you are smart to get away from him before marrying. don't let him talk you into staying this time.

[Speranza]

mine killed my fish, because I said "mmm" about something that was happenin on tv and he thought i was saying "mmm" about the guy on tv.. and now im feeling like yoU!!!!! it sucks... I WISH YOU THE BEST & pray...

 

OMG what planet is he on? Planet Insanely Jealous?

 

What makes it right to kill your fish to 'punish' you?

 

And for that matter, have either of you two women reported the animal cruelty?

[OntheWire]

Just leave, get full custody of your daughter, and never see him again. I wouldn't let your daughter see him either until she's much older and can make a fully informed decision for herself. If you do and something happens, then that's a regret you won't be able to shake.

 

This is not something you should be passive on.

[Dixi]

It starts off with cruelty to animals..then it progresses to cruelty to humans. This is a no-brainer....leave immediately. As for the friend....be very careful because lots of people in abusive situations "fall in love" or what they think is love, for someone who "takes them away" from the abusive situation. It is a very bad idea to leave an abusive situation only to walk immediately in to a new relationship. You need some time on your own, NOT in a relationship, to figure out who you are, to focus on your child, to get YOU back. How come you never felt feelings for your friend before? Often it is gratefulness rather than real love that women in abusive situations feel for the "other man" who is treating them nicely.

 

I agree 100% with Crazyaboutdogs; My advice would be very much the same. I wish you well.

[hope90]

Hey there,

well if I was in your place, I would leave him for a while to clear my head and think about my options.. This way you will be able to tell if you have feelings for your best guy friend and also it will give you some time to breath.. On the other hand, it seems like this guy you are with isnt going to change and the fact that he MURDERED your dog just shows hes not ready to a raise a child.. and you should be happy!!! so honestly just leave... be freee!! (as cheesy as that sounds) and you have people to support you..

Good Luck

[rainydaze4me]

he killed your dog??? leave this "man" now... he sounds sadistic! what he did was unacceptable.. if a person hurts an animal alot of times they move on to humans....

[l0n3ly]

Him killing my dog was about a year ago. It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen in person, but he hasn't been that severe since then. It's just more the fact that I'm not happy. I don't know if I love him. And I don't want to do anything rash because we have a 2 year old daughter together, and we are currently living 1000 miles away from our home state. I booked a flight back to home, but I have no idea what to do once there. I plan on seeing my friend. Nobody really gave advice for that. What am I supposed to do about possibly loving my friend? How do I figure out whats there, without cheating...

[shessofly]

if you're really not feeling him, break up with him and sort out your feelings. you say no one has said anything about your new love interest but if you go back to page 1 Crazyaboutdogs did give you advice on that situation. i don't think it's a good idea to jump from this relationship into another without having taken time to collect yourself. if you break up with him, you probably wait before exploring the new guy, but the advice you are going to get about that subject is probably not going to change much from one poster to the other.

[Speranza]

Not meaning to scare you, but I work with Child Protection cases, and I think actually staying there with your daughter could eventually prove to be the rashest decision you ever made...

[MarmiteCrumpet]

Him killing my dog was about a year ago. It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen in person, but he hasn't been that severe since then. It's just more the fact that I'm not happy.

 

What were the circumstances around the killing of the poor dog? Temper?

 

NOTHING justifies killing a dog - unless it was in pure self defence against vicious dog attack etc

[Shortpants]

Him killing my dog was about a year ago. It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen in person, but he hasn't been that severe since then. It's just more the fact that I'm not happy. I don't know if I love him. And I don't want to do anything rash because we have a 2 year old daughter together, and we are currently living 1000 miles away from our home state. I booked a flight back to home, but I have no idea what to do once there. I plan on seeing my friend. Nobody really gave advice for that. What am I supposed to do about possibly loving my friend? How do I figure out whats there, without cheating...

 

l0n3ly,

 

I would recommend just getting away from him for a little while and see how you feel once out from the daily mental battering. My ex was emotionally abusive, we went through marriage counselling, the therapist told me I needed to have an escape plan as she was concerned he might get physically violent. That scared the bejesus out of me. I always knew he had a temper, but I never thought he'd act on it. Meanwhile when I stopped and thought about it, he was rough with his kids (from another marriage), he kicked and abused my cats any chance he got, he was just mean and didn't care about anyone or anything but himself. I ended up moving out to stay with family after a year of trying to save our marriage, with him blaming me for all our problems, he took no responsibility for our situation. Once I was finally out from under his thumb and could think clearly, I knew what I had to do. It was over. I was petrified the day I called him to tell him we needed to divorce, there was no saving it. But I did it and immediately felt a HUGE weight lifted from my chest. It was like I could breathe again. After 7 years of marriage and 5 years of dating before that, it was a WONDERFUL feeling. Your situation is that much more dire with him being so violent. I really do fear what he might do to you or your daughter once faced with the possiblity that you are escaping his controlling grasp. Do whatever you need to do to get out ofthe situation you are in and away from him until you can think straight and examine your feelings.

 

As far as the friend that you may have feelings for... I would wait on that also. You have been through alot, and running to the arms of another man is not going to help you right now. I have heard you want to wait a full year after a divorce to get involved with another person, and I agree. Splitting up a marriage, especially with children involved, is extremely emotionally draining and stressful. I think if you jumped right into another relationship, it would be doomed formthe start as you have an ongoing journey to fix yourself after what you havve been through. To have the greatest success with a new relationship, you need to be free to enter that relationship, and I'm sorry hon, but right now you are not ready. You need to be a complete person yourself before you can be a productive half of a complete relationship. Nothing says you can't still be close friends with this person and "date" or spend time together, but I would avoid any serious emotional involvements for the immediate future. If you decide to pursue divorcing your husband, you are going to be pretty emotionally unavailable for a while. Than you need time to recover. Again, I had a similar situation. I met my current hubby when I was going through my separation. I waited until the divorce was final, then took some time to get myself together before pursuing anything with Longpants (hubby). Even then, I still had some emotional breakdowns early in our relationship, luckilly Longpants worked with me and was very suportive.

 

I just really think you need to get out of your curent situation as soon as possible and then take some time for just you and your daughter to heal and recover. Surround yourself with friends and family, people that love and support you. Most of all, please, please keep your eyes open with your next few steps in this process and make sure you are really seeing your husband's actions. All too often we see wives that are abused saying, "Oh no, he would never hurt me or our child" and lo and behold, when backed into a corner, they do. Please be careful and have a plan in place in case you find yourself in a situation like that. Start putting money aside now, hide a second set of car keys outside somewhere so you can still get away if he takes the keys, have someplace local to go to where he can't find you if you need to leave in a hurry, even if it is a battered women's shelter, and make a plan of how to escape in any situation, lay it out in your mind so you can just act if something happens. How are you going to get you and your daughter out safely if he flips out?

 

Sorry to be so long winded, but I feell your anguish like it is my own, I've lived it hon. Please take care of yourself and your daughter first and make sure to stay safe. Work on yourself and stabalizing your life before anything else, I promise you and your LO are worth it and your daughter will respect you for it. Peace and many e-hugs to you both.

[Naru]

Just take it slow, and sorry for that last message i was being attacked, well back to this Slow is the best possible option and i suppose telling him wouldn't be a option knowing his temper so just relax and try to stay calm no hasten decisions... Oh and another thing do you think he loves you? i mean have you seriously ever felt loved by him? theres a bunch of things and experiences ive been into so this question could help i guess