I love her more than she loves me

[okane24]

The fact that I'm even on here, spells trouble for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

 

I am hopelessly head over heels over my girlfriend. AND she leaves back to her home country in Korea in 3-4 months. We both now live in San Diego, Ca. We've only been together since November, so 5 months.

 

Anyhow, it feels like I am 90% invested in this relationship and she is only 10%.

 

She tells me she loves me. She calls me, but somewhere there is a disconnect.

 

I ALWAYS plan the dates. I always have to ask her permission to go out with her. It totally feels like shes in control of everything!

 

I Always buy her gifts, treat her like a princess... everything!

 

And just recently, her best friend (girl) was in town for 2 weeks. I took a back seat and let them do their thing. I was involved and showed her friend around, but my girlfriend ALWAYS put her friends needs and wants over my own.

 

I was clearly not a priority to her. My girlfriend promised me she would spend more time with me once her friend left, but most recently, she has not kept her word.

 

This week we'll go out tomorrow night, Wednesday, but she just told me she doesn't want to sleep over, but will sleep over my place, later, on Saturday. Only ONE TIME A WEEK???

 

We live in the same city and she has no other committments! SO IT KILLS ME THAT SHE DOESN"T WANT TO SLEEP OVER EVERY DAY! LIKE I WANT!

 

I want to see her all the time! I love spending time with her. And to know that shes leaving in a few months, I am more ANXIOUS and want to be with her all the time. Especially to have her sleep over and hold her in my arms!!!

 

THis is driving me NUTS!!!

 

What should I do? It seems like the more I beg or plead for her to spend time with me, the more she backs off.

 

Should I let it be and not Push her (which she hates pushy people) or should i rationalize with her?

 

SHould I play hard to get and make her miss me? I am just sooo afraid that if I do that, she'll realize she doesn't need me and won't bother seeing me at all.

 

I am TOTALLY insecure with this girl. Shes the prettiest girl I've ever been with and she gets hit on, ALL THE TIME!

 

Please help me and give me advice on how to "win her and make her Want to be with me more."

 

Thanks!

[Weirdmartian]

Brother, you're screwing yourself over. You are driving this girl away.

 

You're needy and clingy behavior have doomed this relationship. But you are not completely out of the game yet.

 

So here is what you need to do:

 

Stop being a girly-man. 90% of men have been where you are, and there is only one solution. Stop being such a huge loser (trust me, because that's what we are when we act like this). You think your girlfriend would want you if she knew what a huge cry-baby you are? In a chick-flick, the cry-baby protagonist gets laid, but that's fiction bro, not real life.

 

Do you REALLY want to save this relationship? First, think long and hard. List pros and cons. Be DEAD honest.

 

When you've determined whether it's worth it, then do the following:

 

disappear.

 

That's right. Do not contact her. For any reason. Do any and everything else to keep yourself busy, and put yours and hers in perspective. Drink beers with your buddies, start taking surf classes (you live in San Diego, you lucky SOB... I would KILL to live there), date other girls casually - I don't say cheat, but I do say meet other women. You are too stupid to understand how and why you're screwing up, and you lack experience with women, so I say: date other women and get smarter, for both yours and her sake. And for God's sake make sure it's in a different part of town so you avoid messing up.

 

Eventually, and this is a promise (if you stick to your guns and don't contact her), she'll ask what's up. If she calls, don't answer right away, but call her back after a couple of hours. If she writes a text, wait 2 hours before replying.

 

You will say, and I quote "hey babe. Been real busy lately, stuff's driving me crazy. Talk soon."

 

Brief, non-explanatory. It will drive her NUTS. Whatever you spend your time on, don't sit around the house and jerk off. DO something exciting you've always wanted to do. It REALLY, REALLY, helps.

 

When you do this, come back here for more advice. You might still be able to turn things around, but right now youa re setting yourself up for getting dumped, and I mean DUMPED.

[Weirdmartian]

Of course, if you disappear, there is a 20% chance (pessismistic) she won't get back to you or just call to say it's over. Like I said, if she calls, don't answer. Don't give her a chance to dump you over the phone. If she shows up at your place unannounced, say it's great to see her, give her a passionate kiss, and run off because you have PLANS.

 

In any case, this solution is fool-proof - if she doesn't get back, you were gonna get dumped anyways (you are certainly headed that way now), and you have saved yourself tremendous grief and anxiety + you have SAVED your dignity, which is MOST important, more important than her or your biochemically perverted love.

[hexaemeron]

Dude, it doesn't sound like you love her. It sounds like you're obsessed with her. And that's not a compliment. You need to back off and get some perspective.

[Nixee]

Please re-read what you wrote.

 

 

I understand that things may seem unbalanced right now, and that sucks.

 

First off... if she has indeed told you she loves you and agreed to be in a committed relationship with you, and yet she is not at all keeping up with doing her part in communicating.... that is not very fair of her, and I will agree with you. I think it is totally within your rights to talk to her and tell her (gently and not in a pushy/pressure way), that it hurts you to feel too in control of things.

 

But as for everything else... being pushy and needy just... sucks. I'm in this situation a bit myself. And I can sympathize with you and your strong feelings. But no matter what, needing her more is NOT going to make her come to you. It isn't going to make her just... see things your way. Doesn't matter if she is in the same town and has no commitments. If she doesn't want to spend ALL her free time with you, she doesn't have to. For some people, time to themselves is very very important.

 

Personally, my guy is a bit like you now and is nuts for me... and one-two nights a week is all I give him, because that is all I can take. I NEED time for me. If he pushed me more... I'd be gone in a second. And it isn't that I don't like him. It's just who I am.

 

Love isn't about spending every second with the prettiest girl you've ever seen - it is about respecting the wishes and needs of your partner... understanding them. Maybe you want that from her, but you have to give it first.

[mmmd]

this * * * * is long over.

 

she's just milking whatever is left of you before she goes home.

 

you're toast, stop worrying, call it quits. she probably wasn't that nice of a person to begin with.

[okane24]

"That's right. Do not contact her. For any reason. Do any and everything else to keep yourself busy, and put yours and hers in perspective. Drink beers with your buddies, start taking surf classes (you live in San Diego, you lucky SOB... I would KILL to live there)" by WeirdMartian -

 

You're right! I know I've totally changed from when I met her. I used to be busy all the time because my business kept me busy. But now that things have slowed down drastically, I have ALOT of free time on my hands and I want to spend it mostly with her.

 

Mentally, I know what to do... Its just SOOO hard to do it. I know if I stay away, and play the game of being unavailable and busy, that its more attractive. I've totally wussied out and when I ask her out, its almost like I'm begging her to spend time with her. Its pathetic!

 

I'm getting soooo caught up with this girl and it is driving her away. And I've played the unavailable game and it works. But it just SUCKS because she leaves in a few months and I want to spend ALL my time with her.

 

I'm gonna definitely chill out though and FORCE myself to spend my time elsewhere. I don't wanna lose her due to my own insecurities...

 

By Nixee - "Love isn't about spending every second with the prettiest girl you've ever seen - it is about respecting the wishes and needs of your partner... understanding them. Maybe you want that from her, but you have to give it first"

 

Thanks for the post. It really helps to see a females perspective.

 

She always tells me that too... Respect me!

 

But at the same time I'm worried that shes being influenced by her female roommate thats pretty influential her life. (Her roommate is a single girl thats ALWAYS looking for guys )

 

Another issue is that her friends are Single and when they have girls night out, it ends up that all of them meet guys. And shes the Hottest girl of the group, so I think that part of it, is that, they use her to help them get better looking guys, cuz her friends are all pretty desperate.

 

I trust her, but when shes out meeting new guys, because her single friends are doing it, it doesn't help with my insecurities.

 

Crap - I am just using this forum to vent... so I apologize if I seem scatterbrained, cuz I am...

 

I am losing sleep over her and I AM ALWAYS thinking of new things and ideas and places to take her.

 

She said something yesterday that made me soo happy! She said after she goes home to Korea in a few months and graduates from her University, there might be a chance she'll come back to San Diego to pursue her Masters degree.

 

That one statement gave me hope that she would want to come back....

 

I don't know. I am very worried for myself because I'm becoming more and more obsessed with her. I wanna know where shes going, who shes going with, what shes doing. Its totally unhealthy because its distracting my own life and responsibilities.

 

I dont know if its Love or me being Insecure?

 

In terms of what shes done for me, its not much. She never plans things. She doesnt cook for me. Shes not That supportive of me, my emotions or my business. Just a little bit. I'm older than her, so maybe she figures that I should have it All together and my shiznit straight by now, but I don't.

 

I don't know. I'm gonna try and give this girl some more space and see if shes willing to put more effort into this relationship. I Love her so much and I want this to work.

 

Shes caring, when she wants to be. Shes kind, thoughtful, and damn it SOO hot!

 

I really hope her looks are not clouding my entire perspective of her and our relationship.

 

I dunno. I gotta go. Thanks everyone for listening.

[mmmd]

your relationship is over dude.

[candykisses]

Umm, this sounds like my past relationships in which I was always the nonchalant one. Hate to break it to you but she is taking advantage of you. And I think partly why you're head over heels has to do with the fact that she ISN'T invested.

 

I think you should find a girl who is into you as much as you are into her. Stop trying to win this girl over...it won't happen. I sense that she's in this relationship for the wrong reasons....or no reasons really.

 

Here's the thing about gifts, you want to make sure the girl is equally into you before investing your resources on her like that. You can't buy someone's feelings.

[Weirdmartian]

Dude, good to see you intellectually understand what you have to do it.

 

Now do it.

 

Disappear.

 

It's that simple. And let her get back to you... but from this point on, you're the one is going to have to not care.

 

I've been where you are, dude. You REALLY, REALLY, have to back off. It's the only way. Disappear. Don't contact her at all for a week.

 

She'll get back to you. Promise.

 

PS. And for goodness sakes - date other women!

[mmmd]

he shouldn't want this girl to contact him. she's using him, she doesn't care about him, and she's miserable.

 

he should just move on.

[The Wheel]

I dont know if its Love or me being Insecure?

 

It's insecurity. Maybe a little jealousy is good for a person, but needing to know where she's going, what she's doing, and who she's with at all times? Too far.

 

Look, I agree with people who say you need to find a little balance. It sounds like you're too invested in this for what you're getting back. Continuing to make this the only thing in your life is only going to perpetuate your unhappiness. I don't recommend up and dropping her, nor do I think dating is really going to solve your problems, but fill up your time with things that are not her. She got with that guy in the first place because he was leading an interesting life and not with the guy who had nothing going on but her.

[Day_Walker]

I think that anytime a person makes the statement "I love him/her more than she/he loves me" that youre in trouble.

 

She seems like she is distancing yourself from her and that is causing you to chase after her more. Realize that you cannot make her stay or make her operate on your terms.

 

I think that you need to look at the situation realistically, she is leaving in 3-4 months and that is all the time that youre going to have with her. I would stop with the clingy behavior and start being more independent.

[Nixee]

I feel like I shouldn't have to say anything to you.... you say it all for yourself, if you would only listen. Heck you even say that logically you KNOW what you have to you. Look back and re-read your post... paying special attention to what I have bolded.

 

This is NOT love. This is infatuation. Over and over and over you cite her good looks and even your insecurity over her looks as one of your biggest areas of both concern as well as attraction. When you try to consider her other qualities...you come up lukewarm or mostly empty-handed. On the love-scale... that is sad.

 

I will tell you right now.... there are lots of women out there who are completely hot, AND have great personalities, AND they will love you back. Don't go all in on one.... especially if she is leaving in a few months... and most importantly if she doesn't appear to be giving you love back.

 

Now... that doesn't mean don't love her at all... or don't be willing to be with her. But you gotta lay off with the obsessive, pushy, clingy, needy behavior as I guarantee it is affecting her behavior too.

 

The stuff about her going out with her roommate and friends and maybe getting guys? Unless you have proof she cheats... that is YOUR issue and insecurity... not her issue. Let it be.

 

You said it right off the bat... you know what you need to do. So do it. Focus on yourself. Give her space. I'm sure she obviously knows you like her... so... be charming, not creepy. As for the rest, SPACE.

[okane24]

Update:

 

Here's a little more information about us... I'm 33 and she's 23, so I understand that I'm way more serious than she is about relationship stuff. She can totally be a club rat and be partying it up with guys her age, but shes not. Shes with me all the time.

 

Well, anyways, she invited me over to her place last night for a jacuzzi dip. In which she look AMAZING! She's 5'7, about 110 pounds, beautiful face and a fantastic body. I would rate her a 9, face and body combined. We hung out, made out, then she came back to my place.

 

I made her some lasagna, we watched a movie and had Phenomenal Sex.

 

She kept telling me how much she loves me and that she wants to stay longer here in America with me. She wants to help me with my business and make it successful.

 

I am the ultimate optimist, so can you all tell me what this means?

 

When we're together, its AMAZING! Sometimes when we're apart, my mind drifts and I make up these delusional thoughts that she doesn't love me, when she keeps telling me she does.

 

Last night, she kept saying shes falling more and more in love with me...

 

I am REALLY happy right now. Our communication is getting better and I'm really getting to know her better.

 

Thanks all for reading and replying.

[mmmd]

glad you're happy, but remember that her actions are the key here, not her words.

 

if there's dissonance between what she says and how she acts, you have to side with the action side.

 

but if she's acting like she loves you, then yea, go for it.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, anyways, she invited me over to her place last night for a jacuzzi dip. In which she look AMAZING! She's 5'7, about 110 pounds, beautiful face and a fantastic body. I would rate her a 9, face and body combined. We hung out, made out, then she came back to my place.

 

Honestly, I felt a little disturbed after reading this. Most of what you share has to do with her being really pretty, Korean, hot, the prettiest girl you've dated, skinny, and did I mention pretty. I just shake my head here. I'm really glad I don't date men that lose their minds over the superficial. Seems like you are doing ok, but the objectification might start to bother her one day.

[Nixee]

Honestly, I felt a little disturbed after reading this. Most of what you share has to do with her being really pretty, Korean, hot, the prettiest girl you've dated, skinny, and did I mention pretty. I just shake my head here. I'm really glad I don't date men that lose their minds over the superficial. Seems like you are doing ok, but the objectification might start to bother her one day.

 

I agree completely. I've yet to know anything about this girl you "love" other than her physical stats. Do you know anything real about her?

 

I'm suddenly reminded of a cousin of mine who had told his mom, my aunt, he was getting married to a girl he met in another country while away. My aunt said "oh really? So why do you love her so much.. tell me about her?"

 

My cousin said, "oh shes great... pretty... she cooks for me... irons my shirts... pretty... "

 

This doesn't mean I don't wish you well, or that I'm not happy things went well between you last night.... but your priorities just seem a bit out of whack when it comes to the L word. My personal diagnosis is still obsession and lust. One is fleeting... one is dangerous. If you want something better and deeper, that communication is definitely going to have to grow, and the focus on purely the physical or the negative is going to have to leave.

[Ms Darcy]

This doesn't mean I don't wish you well, or that I'm not happy things went well between you last night.... but your priorities just seem a bit out of whack when it comes to the L word. My personal diagnosis is still obsession and lust. One is fleeting... one is dangerous. If you want something better and deeper, that communication is definitely going to have to grow, and the focus on purely the physical or the negative is going to have to leave.

 

Absolutely. Would you "love" her as much if she gained 20 lbs or had an accident that caused scarring on her face? Heck, do you have common beliefs and life goals with this girl?

[The Wheel]

Absolutely. Would you "love" her as much if she gained 20 lbs or had an accident that caused scarring on her face? Heck, do you have common beliefs and life goals with this girl?

 

Let's be careful going down this hypothetical road. I'll agree that he sounds like he's putting too much emphasis on the physical, but attraction is still important and asking loaded questions about weight and physical disfigurement really isn't going to solve this problem.

[Ms Darcy]

Let's be careful going down this hypothetical road. I'll agree that he sounds like he's putting too much emphasis on the physical, but attraction is still important and asking loaded questions about weight and physical disfigurement really isn't going to solve this problem.

 

What will solve the problem? It's easy to negate a strategy and hard to find a new way of thinking. I do think it would be valuable to think of her in ways opposite to how he has described her ... in terms of wieght, height, face - physical looks.

[okane24]

Yes, shes absolutely beautiful!

 

But beyond that, she's smart, goal oriented, great with family and Pets, (very important).

 

She's loyal to her friends, she keeps her Word (very rare that people do this).

 

She's thoughtful, has a great sense of humor, talented (plays the piano) she's ambitious and Best of all,

 

I Trust her 100%. She could be out meeting so many guys, but shes not and she loves me.

 

I just have to figure how to deal with my own insecurities when we're not hanging out together. I'm always wondering whats shes doing and if shes having more fun than

when we're together...

[Ms Darcy]

I find it interesting that she's leaving soon. What's going to happen with you all once she leaves? She is really young ... do you think she's actually wanting something long term?

[okane24]

Thats the thing, shes an International student and obviously her roots are back in her home country in Korea.

 

She said she wants to stay as long as she can and also possibly come back to America for her Masters degree.

 

For me, I am kind of dumb in that department. My HOPEs are that things will work out long term and I try to live day to day and enjoy all that we have NOW, that we're together physically...

 

Who knows, what if we fall more and more in love by October and we decide to get married or something.

 

I just don't want to NOT see her anymore because shes leaving. Its sooo good right now.

 

But I know for both of us, thats the huge gorilla we gotta deal with as time passes on...

[Nixee]

I'm glad you can pay attention to more about her than just her looks... that is good.

 

And yes, you do have to learn to deal with your insecurity... that is a bigtime relationship killer.. you gotta have trust. Unless she gives you a solid reason not to trust her, you can't just freak out.

 

My brother actually dated a girl from Asia who was a student in America and they were pretty serious for awhile. At the end of her time here she stayed and worked for a bit (but moved to a diff state)... he went and stayed with her a bit. Then they traveled in her home country and abroad for a bit... ... Eventually it just became clear it would not work. They are still in contact though. My brother travels a lot. He is willing to go abroad... live abroad (has many times... and he speaks her language too).

 

A relationship with someone whose home is in another country takes huge compromise. Don't fail to think about that.