How would you rather hear it?

[Daligal83]

I've been casually seeing a guy for 2 weeks and I want to end it. We've hooked up a little, but nothing serious. The whole thing was very casual. We'd hang out frequently, but only went on one "date" and even that was a quick lunch. We'd either hang out at each others' places or go to a coffee shop so he could study. I haven't seen him since Thursday because we were both out of town for the weekend and I told him I couldn't hang out yesterday. I've been on the fence about him the whole time, but he did some things Thursday that pretty much put me off.

 

My question is how to go about ending it. Do I have to immediately have the "I'm not interested" conversation or can I just start not hanging out with him and see if he gets the hint? I haven't initiated any contact whatsoever since we last saw each other, but I have responded to his. Barely though.

 

I always try to think about how I would want to be treated, but I've never actually had a guy flat out say he didn't want to see me anymore. They've always just acted like jerks so I cut contact or they disappeared. I've gotten mixed answers from friends as well.

[Kaiser_Soze]

"I've gotta be honest, I can't see this going anywhere and I am not the type of person to lead someone on so I think we should probably stop seeing each other."

[abitbroken]

If its 2 weeks - then you haven't really known eachother long. What was it that he said that turned you off?

 

You can do one of two things - just be slower to return his calls, etc, and accept plans with friends, etc so you are not with him as much and and he'll get the hint - or you can address what he said. Say that you are open to hanging with him once in awhile (if you are), but what he said concerned you and you''ll be honest - you don't see it going any further because of it.

 

It is hard to advise further not knowing what he said - if it was a dealbreaker? misunderstanding?

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that you have established anything substantial in two weeks. I would just let it die and if hey tries to initiate contact then you can let him know that you arent interested in hanging out with him.

[Daligal83]

It was a few things that added up, plus he's kind of socially awkward so I already wasn't sure if I wanted to continue. We hooked up more on Thursday than we had before, but like I said, nothing serious. But it was the first time he was down there at all and as soon as we were done he asked about my grooming habits in a way that conveyed that he wasn't crazy about mine. I think that's a conversation to be had once you're in an established relationship...not after you've known someone for two weeks and it's the first time you're doing anything like that.

 

Like I said, it's not just that one thing, but it was the most significant and just really put me off. The best way I can explain the whole thing is that it feels like a college relationship and that he isn't even really trying to get to know me. It's just all about him. What he wants to do, on his schedule and the conversations are all about him or his beliefs.

 

I'd like to just keep turning down plans and if he doesn't get the hint, then have the conversation. I'm always very concerned with how I treat people though and I want to make sure I handle it right.

[Maya_A]

I always try to think about how I would want to be treated

 

Well, exactly how is that? Your answer may easily lie within you right there.

 

Personally, I think honesty is always best, that way he is not left all confused when you start pulling away. He won't have to wonder if it is his imagination, or if he did something "wrong" or what... And if he doesn't know, he may keep calling to try to initiate. If you keep ignoring that, I'd say it would get disrespectful over time. Ignoring someone isn't kind.

 

I think although it might sting a little where things are ended by one, it is easier to process (& move on from) than just the good old disappearing act.

 

Some might say "you don't owe him anything" but to me it's about wanting to be as kind & respectful of another human as possible, where we have to deliver news that might potentially hurt their feelings.

 

It is also general good practice in learning to speak what we feel with compassion & diplomatically instead of acting in another way that gives into our own fears & discomfort...

 

We do this too much IMHO, even within relationships that we want to be in...

[HeartGoesOn]

Since it's only been 2 weeks, and you barely know him, I would simply be honest and tell him that "you don't feel that this will work out." You're being both truthful, and getting your point accross at the same time.

[Daligal83]

I don't know why it's so hard for me to say that. I feel awful having to say it and like he won't even see it coming. It's literally giving me anxiety lol.

 

He just called while I was on the other line and I have to call him back...which means I should just say it...I just feel so mean saying it.

[Maya_A]

You needn't tell him that it is because he is socially awkward for one, but you could tell him that to you it feels as though you have very different communication and connection styles. That nobody is "wrong" & you enjoyed spending time with him but you just feel there may be a mismatch romantically.

 

I just feel so mean saying it.

 

I know - it's never easy for sure, but I think there is no "mean-ness" in good intent. It would be mean to just ignore him where he would keep trying to reach you.

 

Good luck with it...

[Daligal83]

I'm kind of coping out. I'm not calling him back tonight in hopes of him getting the hint. I've had a few friends say that they'd rather just not hear back from the person than have that conversation. But if he isn't going to get the hint, I'll just have to suck it up and tell him.

 

It's hard for me to put myself in his shoes because I've always had guys disappear or act like jerks. No one has every just straight out said they weren't interested...so I don't know how it feels and I can't compare. I just know I don't like being led on, which I'm definitely not doing.

[The Wheel]

You shouldn't ignore the problems in your life, even if they will eventually go away on their own.

 

Tell me that you can't fathom how you'd feel if someone you were interested in simply stopped returning your calls. This isn't the destruction of a long relationship. Be kind, but firm, and let him know you aren't interested in continuing things.

[Daligal83]

That's not what I said...I said I know it feels to have guys disappear but I've never had a guy call me up and verbally tell me he didn't want to see me anymore. I said I've either had them disappear or act like jerks. So it's hard for me to know if I'd want to hear that someone doesn't want to see me or not since it's never happened.

 

And like I said, some friends have been saying they'd rather have a guy disappear, so I feel like there is no right answer.

[The Wheel]

Hey, you're going to do what you're going to do. However, if you read what I wrote you'd see I was asking how you couldn't imagine how you'd feel in that situation. Maybe you really would prefer someone to simply vanish without a trace and are only trying to treat others how you want to be treated. Or maybe you'd want an answer. I don't know. I'm not you.

 

Just understand how it appears from an outside perspective: like you're avoiding something that's going to be briefly unpleasant.

[Justnotsure]

Maybe....but I think her point is that people on the other end of it receive it in different ways. Some people, yes, would like a "briefly unpleasant" phone call to get clarity. Some people would prefer that you fade away and implicitly indicate that you're no longer interested...

 

Personally, I'd rather someone shoot me an email. That's what I did when I was dating someone casually and I wasn't feeling a spark. If it went past say 4 or 5 dates, I felt I owed them that. I just think it's less awkward for everyone involved. And I'm not a big fan of email/text, but in this situation, when you're not ending a serious relationship, I think it's easier on everyone to not have a formal conversation. It allows the other person to absorb the news and write a note back (or not), and not have to deal with the awkward situation of handling rejection without time to compose their thoughts. Just my opinion...

[Kaiser_Soze]

You haven't been with him long at all but if he is a man who cares about you he is going to want to make sure you are ok. If you just suddenly drop off the face of the earth he may think something happened to you. Breaking up with someone is never easy, but I believe how you do it reflects on the type of person you are. I have remained on good terms with almost every one of my ex's because I ended it with class and compassion.

[arcadefire]

Don't disappear. It's not respectful. Do the polite thing, give him a call and say you don't think it is going to work out because you two have differences, and then wish him well.

[LoveSoDeep]

Personally I'd rather have the briefly unpleasant conversation than be left wondering what I did. That's b/c I like to learn from my experiences. I'd rather have a guy say "this isn't going to work b/c _____" than never know if it was b/c of this or that.

[Batya33]

If I'd only gone on a few dates I might just fade away but if it was more than that then I would as simply and directly as possible on the phone tell him that you didn't think it was a good idea to continue seeing each other - if he presses for a reason just tell him that you just don't see that you have enough in common long term and hopefully that will be the end of it. But, - simple, direct and concise without the "oh you're such a wonderful person" stuff.

[princesslucky]

I have had so many guys just try to fade away - after 1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month, and longer. It's awful. And if you guys were intimate (even though in his socially awkward way he said stuff another person would know not to say) he's still interested in that he's calling and you do owe it to him to make a polite but clean break. I just went through this for the zillionth time but this time the guy (thanks to my counseling over the last year when it happened before) did the right thing and gave it to me kindly but straight. And I felt so much better about the end than if I was still hoping, wondering, and kicking myself for something I might have done (like he might do when he realizes he said something stupid...). Be honest and up front. It's hard - I had to do it recently too - but when it's over you, too, will be happy it's completely over and not hanging over your head, too. Trust me. Use any or all of the short and sweet suggestions from the other posters - don't feel a connection, don't think we're a match, just not feeling it. Remember to say nice things about being a nice good person and having fun together. Just not "the one". Don't ever leave someone hanging. That sucks rocks. Just not the right thing to do.

[abitbroken]

 

Like I said, it's not just that one thing, but it was the most significant and just really put me off. The best way I can explain the whole thing is that it feels like a college relationship and that he isn't even really trying to get to know me. It's just all about him. What he wants to do, on his schedule and the conversations are all about him or his beliefs.

 

 

Well - it takes two to tango, too. If you were intimate with him, you mutually made that choice and didn't get to really know him beforehand either. So its hard to really fault him because you went along with, or allowed, or initiated sex already. What about leading a conversation and see how that goes. If you don't like him and don't want to be with him, that's fine, but the "reason" for not wanting to be with him will probably be confusing to him. I might suggest dating other people and going out with friends so you are not as readily available/force him to comply to your schedule. You can still break up with him or basically not continue but I don't know what exact words you would use to end it.

[Go Habs Go]

You claim you've had guys take off before, so you should know better than anyone how it feels. If you start ignoring calls or take off in some other way, he won't know what he did and that's a pretty cruel thing to do to someone. Don't stoop to that level.