Stepsisters

[orchidrose]

My dad married his mistress as soon as the ink was dry on my parents' divorce. She has three kids, two daughters and a son. I also have a biological sister. I've never been extremely close with my stepsisters - one is 10 years older so I never really grew up with her, and the other is very similar to my sister, who I didn't get along with until we were adults.

 

My sister is getting married next year and asked me to be her maid of honor. I live a few hundred miles away from her and my stepsisters, and only get home a few times a year. I was really excited about planning her bridal shower and participating in the planning through e-mail, etc.

 

My stepsisters have completely hijacked the bridal shower from me. Right after my sister got engaged, my stepmom bought my stepsisters a bridal shower planning book and did not send one to me. When I brought it up to my dad, he said he was sure that she bought one and was going to give it to me in person when I came to visit. Guess what? Never happened.

 

I then sent my stepsisters a Facebook message (how we rarely communicate) several weeks ago with some ideas for venues. I uploaded a bunch of documents about pricing, etc. and sent them a link, then told them to get back to me with their thoughts. I never received any response. Yesterday I got a message from one of my stepsisters asking me simply how much I was planning on spending - kind of a nasty jab at me, since I ended up having to pull out of helping out with her baby shower at the last minute last year because I had several emergencies and could not afford it.

 

I messaged her back with a ballpark figure and asked them how that sounded and was very polite. I told her that I was sorry if I had offended them with the baby shower thing, but I was looking forward to throwing the shower.

 

Today I get a response that says that they're going to look at two venues this weekend (neither of which they discussed with me, and neither of which are ones I was interested in or my sister suggested). They didn't send me any info on them and didn't ask me how I felt about them. Then she said that she had to be very careful with money, too, because she was going to have to buy two dresses (?!), get her hair done, get her nails done, etc. Um, aren't I going to have to do these things too, PLUS pay for the shower, as the maid of honor?

 

I am LIVID. I have tried working with these people. They are not her sisters. I am. I have no clue what to do. I'm so sick of being put down and left out by them.

[IvantheAvg]

Sounds like alot of exhausting drama to me. I'd let them plan it and pay for it...just get your sister a gift and be the maid of honor. That still makes you numero uno.

[Sanesoul]

My skin is itching reading this. The nerve of some people. The apples don't fall far from the tree eh?

 

I don't have much advice. This might be something you really have no control over. If it were me, I would plan the shower all by myself and not invite the step-sisters. That probably isn't the best way to make peace though.

[rosephase]

try not to get bent out of shape about it. This isn't about you or your step sisters. It's about your sister's wedding. Let your step sisters plan it if they want to. They are in the right town they can get things done that you simple can't do because you are living remotely. I know it seems annoying, but maybe they are still dealing with you backing out on the baby shower. From there point of view you might look unreliable. Try to keep in mind all three of you are on the same side. You are all working together to give your sister a great bridal shower and wonderful wedding.

[orchidrose]

I know it seems annoying, but maybe they are still dealing with you backing out on the baby shower. From there point of view you might look unreliable. Try to keep in mind all three of you are on the same side. You are all working together to give your sister a great bridal shower and wonderful wedding.

 

The problem is that I may see it that way, but they don't. As far as they're concerned, they're their own team and I'm way out here in the middle of nowhere. I'd love to work together with them but their behavior is showing me over and over that they're not interested in doing that.

 

As far as the baby shower, I've now apologized more than once about it. I held out until the last minute trying to scrimp and save to afford to send them the luxury chocolates they wanted to use as favors for a shower that I could not afford to attend - and it was the dead of summer, so I was going to have to pay $100 a box to have them packed in dry ice. It just wasn't economically feasible. Unlike them, I live in a city with a very high cost of living, on a nonprofit salary, without a husband to help me pay my bills. I had a medical and a vet emergency within months of the shower that limited my income even more.

 

I don't know why the heck I have to be demonized by them for months because of this.

[IvantheAvg]

Let them demonize you. Show up humble and happy for your sister. Let them implode under their own negativity. If you know who you are words can't hurt you.

[rosephase]

 

I don't know why the heck I have to be demonized by them for months because of this.

 

 

You know they are "demonizing" you? Or could it be they simply think you are unreliable? People take it hard when you say you are going to do something and then you don't. You've apologized which is all most people would need but I think you should really try and talk to them. Write out a long e-mail explaining why you feel left out. Be clear that this is important to you and you want to be more involved. Be as honest and clear as you can without accusing them and see what happens.

 

Communicate with them they way you would like to be communicated with.

[annie24]

ugh, i'm sorry. i think that the bride needs to talk to the sisters. ie, if she wants them or she wants you to plan the bridal shower. it might be easier for them to do if they live in the same city she does. maybe you should talk to your sis about what she wants you to plan and what she would like to have her step sisters plan.

 

good luck. try not to kill them.

[orchidrose]

You know they are "demonizing" you? Or could it be they simply think you are unreliable? People take it hard when you say you are going to do something and then you don't. You've apologized which is all most people would need but I think you should really try and talk to them. Write out a long e-mail explaining why you feel left out. Be clear that this is important to you and you want to be more involved. Be as honest and clear as you can without accusing them and see what happens.

 

Communicate with them they way you would like to be communicated with.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure how to do that any better than I am. As part of the message I sent yesterday, I included a long apology and explanation of what happened. Again, I do understand how I appeared unreliable, but their conduct wasn't the greatest, either. I was not involved in the planning at all, never asked what I could do. I was just called one day and told to send luxury chocolates.

 

In the message yesterday, I also said that I knew the distance made it difficult, but I wanted to be involved and that they need to tell me these things. It's 2010. There are phones, e-mail, texts, Skype. There's really no excuse to blow me off because I live a few hundred miles away.

 

I've had several messages back and forth with them since I first posted and it seems like I might be getting through. We talked about money and how we're all struggling. I gave them some more info on the places that I was interested in. Hopefully we're on the right path.

[rosephase]

Good! Stick with it. Sorry that they are such a hassle.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A bridal shower planning book!!!! Okay, this sounds way over the top. Your stepsisters are getting high on the power of it all. I have seen people do this when it comes to volunteer planning of events. There is always one person who wants to run the entire show and not want input from anyone else..they want to be the big boss. It sounds to me like this is just the same old same old dynamic that has always been there between you and your step-sisters. They have an us-against you approach which is not too uncommon amongst step-siblings. You can't change the situation and you will only get yourself very aggravated trying to get yourself involved in something that they clearly don't want you to be involved in except to fork out money. My suggestion, if you are close with your sister who is getting married, is to talk to her about the situation and maybe see if there is something special you can do for her, just the two of you. Let the party be your step-sister's concern and you go ahead and plan something special just for you and your sister.

[turnera]

Why don't you just throw a separate shower, and do it your way, and invite who YOU want to invite? I had two different showers. No big deal. IMO, you're looking for a reason to maintain the rift. That's not a putdown, just that those things that upset us, sometimes we let them control us.

 

Be the bigger person and ignore what they're doing. Plan your own, attend theirs too, everyone's fine.

[orchidrose]

Why don't you just throw a separate shower, and do it your way, and invite who YOU want to invite? I had two different showers. No big deal. IMO, you're looking for a reason to maintain the rift. That's not a putdown, just that those things that upset us, sometimes we let them control us.

 

Be the bigger person and ignore what they're doing. Plan your own, attend theirs too, everyone's fine.

 

I don't really see how that's possible. I don't want my sister to have to have two showers because we can't get along. I'm trying to not her stress her out about this as much as possible.

[turnera]

I didn't consider my showers like that, although that was part of the reason I had two. I just enjoyed having two showers and two chances to have a party! It's all in your attitude. Your attitude is that you are being wronged. It WILL show up and I guarantee everyone in your family is aware of it.

[orchidrose]

I didn't consider my showers like that, although that was part of the reason I had two. I just enjoyed having two showers and two chances to have a party! It's all in your attitude. Your attitude is that you are being wronged. It WILL show up and I guarantee everyone in your family is aware of it.

 

Yeah, that's what I'll work on. It's just tough because I've been ignored and put down by them for years and this is just the icing on the cake. I feel like I've spent so much time trying to reach out to and apologize to them, and I never get anything in return.

 

Anyway, the two parties wouldn't really work, unfortunately, because most of the guests will be from our family/stepfamily. "My" shower would end up being myself and my sister.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, that's what I'll work on. It's just tough because I've been ignored and put down by them for years and this is just the icing on the cake. I feel like I've spent so much time trying to reach out to and apologize to them, and I never get anything in return.

Anyway, the two parties wouldn't really work, unfortunately, because most of the guests will be from our family/stepfamily. "My" shower would end up being myself and my sister.

 

I have been treated like that for years by my brother and sister-in-law. After years of trying and being disappointed I finally gave up. There are some family that just don't want to be bothered for whatever reason, often the reason is jealousy and resentment.

[turnera]

Therapy is a great way to work through those issues.

[annie24]

Where is the bride in all of this? what does she think about her step-sisters planning everything? is she ok with it or is it not a big deal for her?

[orchidrose]

Therapy is a great way to work through those issues.

 

I am in therapy and we've come up with several ways to try and improve the situation, but none are working. My sister (the bride) is also in therapy, also because of these issues. We've both felt like there's an "us vs. them" mentality between the stepfamily and my father, sister, and I.

[orchidrose]

Where is the bride in all of this? what does she think about her step-sisters planning everything? is she ok with it or is it not a big deal for her?

 

She doesn't love the idea, mostly because the stepsisters have very different taste from her and are ignoring what she wants for what they want. My sister is having a very romantic, Victorian-style wedding and has expressed interest in having the shower at an old hotel or ornate banquet room, something like that. My stepsisters are instead going to see two very bland, more modern banquet rooms in the suburbs this weekend.

 

I've talked to my sister more than once about this, and she basically tells me that I just need to beg for forgiveness from them and try to reach out to them more, which I just don't know how to do. I'm trying everything I can think of, and it's ignored. As I said, I'm so sick of reaching out and getting nothing in return. I've sent birthday cards, Christmas presents, e-mails. When my stepsister found out she was pregnant, I sent her a card congratulating her since they had been trying for awhile - nothing. Sent her a gift for the baby shower - nothing. I got my other stepsister in secret Santa this year and my Christmas present arrived in February.

[annie24]

as hard as this is, i would try to take a deep breath and don't let the step sisters get you down. i think you've tried a lot. i wouldn't bother spending too much energy trying to get through to them.

 

i think that it's your sister's place to step in and maybe be more of a bridezilla if she doesn't like the way that things are turning out. you know, she should talk to them if she wants you to be involved more and she wants a different venue. it sounds like she kind of lets the step sisters walk over her?

[turnera]

Therapy DOES usually take a long time. Years. Your mind doesn't change overnight, and even when you know what you need to do, it can take you months or years for the lightbulb to go off. Been there.

 

Your sister is indicative of a dysfunctional family. She's the Pleaser. So are you, actually. You should do some reading. A great book to start with is Healing the Shame That Binds You, by Bancroft. Actually, all his books about dysfunctional families are amazing. It will really help.

 

My brother was the Pleaser and I was the Attitude (don't need them). When my Evil Stepmother reported my H to Children's Protective Services (twice) to get rid of him, and it ruined our lives and we had to move out of our neighborhood because the rumors built up so bad that he went from 'abusive' to 'stalking child molester,' and I had to restrict our daughter from seeing her own grandfather because my stepmother was one step away from stealing her and moving away, my brother told me I had to go to her and apologize!

 

I never did, because I was the Attitude and I'd be dammed before I'd apologize to that witch. The day my dad died from leukemia, he told us that we were all right, she was a biotch, but that she took care of him, and that's what he needed. That was his way of asking forgiveness for the hell she put us through.

 

But you can see how the dysfunction permeated everything we do. I've been numb for 40 years out of self-protection; I barely feel anything, because my 'wall' is so secure. And my brother lives out his life in total Guilt as the Pleaser, and hates himself.

 

Take the time and read up about dysfunction, and work on it specifically with your therapist. It will really help you move past this.

[orchidrose]

turnera,

 

I have no doubt that what you're saying is correct. This issue doesn't really even scratch the surface of the dysfunction in my family: dad's cheating and subsequent departure left my sister & I to be raised by a mentally ill mom. Fifteen years later she still talks about the who*e my dad married and what a terrible person she is, not to mention what a terrible person my dad is. Her illness has led her to cling to me as her only friend and confidante, which led to her moving several hundred miles away from all of her other family, including my sister, when I left for college.

 

I am a pleaser. It's something I'm working on in therapy (which I have been in for three years, by the way). My family has placed me in situations over and over where I have no other option but to smile and accept what's happening; fighting back at my mom results in far worse than just tolerating her. Last week I had a job interview and she picked a fight with me right before it, telling me to go f*** myself right before I walked in for the interview. Charming.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[turnera]

What about distancing yourself after the wedding? It sounds like it would do you good, to get to know yourself better without the influence from them.

[orchidrose]

What about distancing yourself after the wedding? It sounds like it would do you good, to get to know yourself better without the influence from them.

 

Yeah, that usually helps. I've been dealing with them a bit more in the last year since my stepsister had a baby and my sister got engaged. But the distancing is part of the reason I moved out of town (only to have my mom follow me, natch); living there just gets me even more wrapped up in the drama.

 

I know my sister, regardless of her issues, will always make time for me and reach out to me. My stepsisters won't. One of my biggest fears is that I won't have a relationship with my (step)nieces.