Hearing "men always come back" does not help me move on.

[QuirkyCute]

I don't know if every woman going through heartbreak here has done this, but I have searched time and time again for whether or not men come back, and I ALWAYS see that they do. Seeing that many, many men have come back to previous relationships with time does NOTHING to help me move on. When I read things like this (and, yes, there are even threads on this website about how "men always come back"), it gives me false hope and I feel like I'll never be able to accept the break up and move on FOR GOOD.

 

We have been broken up for almost two months now, (we were together for a year and four months), he broke up with me "rashly", and honestly, I need to get over this person and this situation. I know that not all men come back, but saying that you "know" something isn't exactly the same as taking it to heart and actually knowing it. Can someone who has been in this situation (of thinking repeatedly that your ex boyfriend will eventually come back), PLEASE help me to just forget the notion of that and move on? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

[chevcamaro18]

Without being too blunt....it sounds as though you really arent ready to move on. Its as though youre looking for reassurance that HE WILL come back.

 

There is no ALWAYS in relationships. They are all different. But I totally understand the phase youre in. I was dumped 2 weeks ago and it has been really hard. I truly do not want to hear from her or have hope for the future. But can we control whether we have hope or not? No.

 

I think it just sounds like it would be a good time for you to focus on letting go of the relationship. No one knows for sure what will happen. No matter how similar two stories sound....they will be totally different.

 

Im sorry youre hurt and having a hard time. Its tough. Id say just try to slowly focus on letting go.

[misssmithviii]

I agree with the usdm here (chevcamaro18) that there are no guarantees and it does sound like you're not really letting go nor even beginning to move on.

 

You already know the answer, it's simple Take time to yourself.

[restingpieces]

I have many men in my past that never came back. Seriously. I've had majority contact me down the line, with a simple "Hey, how are you doing these days?" But nothing of the romantic variety. Some I consider friends, some I just hear from every year or so.

 

However, I have one I have absolutely never spoken to again. The only time I heard from him after the break up was like 6 months later, where he informed me he was changing his phone number and relocating. I didn't respond because I didn't see the point in doing so (what do you say to that?) but that was the last I ever heard of him. No clue what's going on in his life.

 

Men rarely come back, sweety.

[Tanzi]

But they don't ALWAYS come back. I think many posts and threads on here are testament to that. Statistically I would have thought it more likely that ex's DON'T come back but that doesn't mean that some ex's don't, of course.

 

I was pretty damn sure that my ex was going to come back to me. He gave me many signals but he never did .... we are both now dating new people.

[uncomfynumb]

Moving on takes time, as you are well aware and as everyone else here will tell you. But what you do in that "time" is on you.

 

Lavenderdove has recommended thought stopping to another poster. I've heard of and used this method before and in a variety of situations and I swear by it. I would suggest you use it whenever you focus on thoughts like you are having because regardless of what anyone says here, no one has a crystal ball and can tell you if he will or won't come back.

 

You might also try telling yourself over and over that he will not come back when you have the thought that he might.

 

Fill your life up, seek new experiences, learn new things, take classes, vacations, make new friends. Volunteer. I can't express enough how well volunteering works to help you move on from any bad experience. But again, fill your life to the brim with projects and parties and all that you can and before you know it, a year may have gone by and you might realize that you don't care nearly as much if at all. Or you may have met someone new which by the way, is less likely to happen if you are not open and present.

 

Good luck!

[QuirkyCute]

I am beginning to move on (I would know, and trust me, I was wayyy worse off in the beginning). Also, I WANT TO. So, it's got nothing to do with whether or not I WANT to move on. I'm having a difficult time doing that, and it's because I'm having problems accepting that things are over FOR GOOD. I am a student (a pre-med), so I have LOTS of things that I do in my downtime. However, I feel like I'm lingering based solely upon things that I have read.

 

You guys KNOW what it is like to feel like you just can't do something, as much as you want to. I absolutely hate feeling like I have no control over this situation or the outcome. When I found information on the web about "men coming back", I got some comfort out of that because it made me feel like I may be able to get some closure on down the road. I see that it isn't likely that this will happen (my ex and I haven't spoken since we've been broken up), and I'm just having a really hard time letting go, and much as I WANT TO.

[chevcamaro18]

Im right there with you. Its hard. Part of me really wants to hear from her and talk to her....but part of me knows it will just set me back and make me hurt even more. I think its one of those things you just have to hold out and be strong and you start feeling better.

[shes2smart]

Well, from my own experiences, some do come back around at some point...however, when they've come back around one (or all) of the following have been what I've seen first hand:

 

1. they haven't made any substantive changes -- the issues that caused the break-up are still alive & well

 

2. they're not really looking to get back together, they're seeing if you're willing to have sex and/or an on-going "friends with benefits" arrangement

 

3. they're not looking to get back together, they're on a fishing expedition - looking for evidence that they're doing "better" than you are (if you're seeing someone else, if you're happy, etc) -- but if you offered to have sex, they'd probably take you up on it.

 

Granted, we're only talking the handful of my exes that came back...but, I don't think my experiences are atypical.

 

Really, if one (or more) of the three things above applied, it's better if they just don't bother. I seriously doubt any of the above is what you really want/what you're hoping for in a return, but I suspect it's what you're most likely to get with a return.

[itsallgrand]

Exactly!

 

All the more reason to be prepared if they do show up later on....you want to have your head on straight, know what it is that you want and need, and have moved on with your life enough to be in the present.

 

If you hold on to something that doesn't even exist anymore except as a memory/fantasy (the past relationship) then it is simply setting yourself up to get disappointed and hurt and taken advantage of.

 

How many times have you heard stories of girl holding on to something about an ex...he comes around....she thinks it is going to go somewhere....they have sex and 'hang out' some...next thing you know, he takes off again and she is here crying again.

 

Move on for yourself - - regardless of anything else - - that is the only way it sticks. If you can see it is of benefit to you and feel it in your bones; and you'll see that by doing it first. (kind of a trick that you have to do it then you will believe it and feel it, but it seems to be true a lot of the times that it is that way).

[restingpieces]

You need to just pull everything you have left inside of you, be open and sensitive to your thoughts but keep going; let time do the brunt of the work. It's all you can do.

[uncomfynumb]

1. Stop believing everything you read.

2. Stop telling yourself that you "can't". Ever heard the saying, can't never could?

 

As for control, perhaps that is your real issue, not having control over the situation?

 

Thought stopping was suggested and that is something that you DO have control of. Try it.

 

One final word on closure, sounds to me like you got closure

 

I am dealing with some of the same issues and what I do is pretty much thiought stopping. I call it the "Scarlet "O'Hara." I tell myself I don't have time to think about that right now, that I will think about it tomorrow. Rinse and repeat.

[QuirkyCute]

Thanks for all the answers, everyone. Really, it's not that I'm hoping for any sort of outcome in particular if he did come back, and it's also not that I'm hoping that he'll come back (for a relationship) at all. Truthfully, I go back and forth with that. I wouldn't take him back if he did try to come back, but that doesn't mean that I don't want him to try. I suppose it would be some indication that he cared for me and that our time together wasn't a complete and utter waste to him. At the same time, I suppose that I should only take what I feel and know about the relationship in consideration, leaving whatever his ideals may be by the wayside.

 

All that aside, at the end of the day, I don't want there to be any false hopes of him returning, so, uncomfynumb, I'll take your advice about stopping the thoughts in their tracks.

[QuirkyCute]

Hi all!

 

This was my second thread here, almost one year to the day. When I look back over my post, it takes me back to a time when I felt.....worthless?....maybe worthless is not the right word, but I felt pretty crap about myself and what was happening to me. Like I said in my OP, hearing "Men always come back" didn't help me move on. Well, he didn't come back. I've had an ex come back before, but this one didn't (at least not yet). And....after thinking about why hearing "Men always come back" didn't help me move on....well, it didn't help me move on because I wanted to know that I mattered. That I was somebody to him. That I wasn't worthless. The phrase had nothing to do with me actually wanting the guy back. It just gave me hope that....I wasn't suffering for naught. My thinking was, "If men always come back, my pain is temporary and I really am worth it. If a man dumps me and comes back, it must be because of my amazing awesomeness. If a man dumps me and comes back, I can receive closure, and I can be whole again. It will be like salve to a stab wound, and I will be good as new". Absolutely ridiculous, but blame it on youth and the pain of being left.

 

A quick and dirty recap of what happened between us: He dumped me out of the blue (and YES, it truly was out of the blue. I didn't see it coming, and I'm an emotionally intelligent human being so I would have seen it coming without it being obvious.), then proceeded to act like I didn't exist. He yelled at me on the phone a few days after the breakup (I called to ask him why we broke up, no reasons were provided), then acted like he had no clue who I was when he saw me on the street.

 

Now....looking back at what happened between us, and even reading what I just wrote, WHY in the world would I actually WANT someone like that to WANT ME? Can't I do better? Today, I see clearly what was so blurry to me then. I wanted validation. My ego was bruised (don't get me wrong, I was TRULY devastated), I was spinning with confusion, the works. HOW could someone I loved so much do this to ME? HOW could ANYONE do this to ME? It was truly awful. I have never seen myself in such bad shape over what appears (with hindsight, of course) to be a blessing in disguise.

 

If anyone reads this thread with hope that your "person" will come back, please, PLEASE don't wish for that. Not because this ex of yours is bad (your ex may be amazing), not because men never come back (both men and women have been known to come back for round 2 and round 3, thank you very much not because......whatever else you can think of. Wish that you get YOURSELF back. You are all you have. You control you. You can't do anything without you. It is ridiculous to....give yourself up or away for this person who turned their back on you for whatever reason. If you're hurting now, it will be hard to see, but you are important too. You MATTER. You don't need anyone to validate you, or to tell you that you matter, or that you were right and they were wrong, or that they can't live without you and to please take them back. All you need is YOU.

 

It took me some time to get to where I am today, and I still have to remind myself that I matter, my thoughts and opinions matter, that I am not worthless just because some guy tossed me aside (for reasons that I still don't know). It was hard for me to get here, but I did it. If you're reading this and you're weary about how you'll make it, you will. Give yourself time, be patient with yourself. Never forget that YOU MATTER.

[e27tran]

I never heard of that saying.

[QuirkyCute]

That's all I heard when I was going through my breakup, and the oodles and oodles of info available by searching google and this website is what made it so hard for me....as evidenced by the OP

[uncomfynumb]

Hi Quirky! I sometimes come back here to see if there are any new posts/updates from some of the people that were going through a breakup around the same time as I was. Good to see you have healed and moved on!

 

I'll have been with my new guy a year this June, best thing that ever happened to me. So see, there are lots of good things that can come out of a break up. Wisdom, strength, new and better relationships...

 

[gallop30]

yes they come back,but most of them for the wrong reasons.

[QuirkyCute]

Uncomfy! It's been awhile but I LOVED reading your posts. I'd read them and wish I could be strong like you. You always seemed very sure of yourself, even though you were experiencing the pain of a breakup. I always felt like a pile of pathetic mush. I'm happy to hear you're happy and in the best relationship that ever happened to you! Right now, I'm focusing on getting into medical school. Fingers crossed!

[resilient7]

Could outcome so far.....

[little_buttercup]

Glad you have come a long way! Your post is very inspiring. Thanks for sharing your story and how you have been able to heal.

[QuirkyCute]

Thanks, little_buttercup

 

Everyone, think about what you REALLY want when you're asking for your ex to come back (or thinking of whether or not they will come back). Do you REALLY want the ex back, or is it more likely that you want PROOF that you were worth something? That you mattered? I'm not an overly religious person, but I prayed for as long as I can remember asking God to please do for me what He thought was best. To please HELP ME. I was BEGGING. When I think through the time of the breakup to the present, I got what I truly wanted, validation, in SPADES. You guys have no idea just how many people DON'T GET how my ex could not only dump me, but be cruel as well. You have no idea how many people feel bad FOR HIM, and feel that I'm actually better off. You guys have no idea how many people have told me that HE was the lucky one to have been able to get to know me, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I wanted validation from my ex only, so I just didn't see it from the people who really matter. I thought they were just saying that because they "had to". Nobody HAS to tell you anything. These people WANTED ME TO KNOW how they felt about me. People reminded me of my worth EVERYDAY for the longest time, and I didn't even realize it. Now that I do, I feel silly for limiting myself and being so blind to what was there to start with. I think the point was, my ex was not the person to deliver the news of how much I do indeed matter, but just because HE shouldn't be the one to make it clear, that doesn't mean I don't matter. I matter so much, people just couldn't wait to tell me that I do.

 

Think about what you REALLY want, and ask yourself if you're actually getting it, just not the way you expected. Some of you may be really surprised that you're getting what you need already.

[ChellyV]

no, they do not come back. try to move on. pray for it.

remember if it is meant to be, it shall happen, but do not revolve your daily living on the premise that he shall return. you are losing wonderful opportunities around you!

[Starrgrl]

My ex keeps trying to weasel his way into my life. But I keep him at bay lol. Exs should stay exs yeah?

[fire2therain]

My ex keeps trying to weasel his way into my life. But I keep him at bay lol. Exs should stay exs yeah?

 

They're your ex for a reason