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Did you stick it out even when you were sure you wanted to leave?

Lady Rashomon

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ok i know exactly how your husbands feels. im madly inlove with my husband of 3 years (together for 5, but ive known him for 6). he is my best friend and what i believe to be my soul mate. i am not just saying this becasue i am hurting in my own situation, but some people are just so quick to say divorce. there are always things to do befor eyou go and jump on the divorce banwagon. no offense to you at all. marriage is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. some days you will feel like the happiest person in the world and the next not so much. there are ups and downs and the key to eeverything is good communication. dotn let things get so bad that you feel like you cant bring back the love you felt in the first place. your husband should be your best friend and lover also. sometimes people get confused or encountered by challenges but i honestly feel as though just throwing in the towel is never the option. seperation is probably good for you, but still dont go and make things worse by persuing another man or relationship. give yourself time and space to miss the one person you love. when you imagine life without him and feel a need to see or talk to him you will know he is the one for you. start slow by dating him again and acting liek that 22 year old you used to be. some people get to comfortable with the one they are with for so many years and confuse that with not being inlove. i encourage you to try everything in your power to make this work for you guys. there is a reason he is madly in love with you and sorry but it is probably not one sided(just hidden under all your confusion). if it dont work atleast you know you gave it your all, but give him the benefit of the doubt. i know how it feels to just be told one day your husband dont love you, it hurts. especially when you did not see it coming at all. communication

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This sounds a lot like my relationship (together since 17, I'm now 30 and headed to divorce). These steps gave me clarity in my decision. It doesn't make it any easier, though. They're not intended to be sequential steps or in any particular order, really. But each one represented a distinct "ah-ha" moment for me.



Step 1) Realize and acknowledge that there are missing elements in your marriage. These elements won't magically appear if you stay. If it hasn't worked for you, and it's not just a lull in your relationship, then chances are you won't ever work. You must decide if you're willing to live the rest of your life without those elements. If not then you're wasting each other's time.


Step 2) Realize and accept that you are allowed to be selfish with your life. What you want and desire in life - the kind of relationship that you crave (as long as it's grounded and not fictional hollywood crap) - is okay. And it is something that only you can give yourself. But (I believe) it's something that has to be earned, it won't just fall into your lap (pun intended).


Step 3) Allow yourself to grieve the loss of an ideal marriage. Don't rush through this. Don't distract yourself out of it. It will hurt. It will take time. But it won't last forever.


Step 4) Accept that divorce will hurt your spouse. But that it's not their fault, or yours. Getting married young (or in a relationship that you might as well have called marriage before actually getting married) involves a great risk of growing apart because there is so much change in personality, lifestyle, taste, and goals during your 20s. This isn't yours or your spouse's fault. If your opinion over the last couple years is consistent that you feel that if you met your spouse today for the first time you wouldn't want to pursue a relationship with that person, then it's time to leave.


Step 5) Realize that your spouse deserves someone who will love them the way they love you. If you can't fill those shoes then don't waste their precious time keeping them in the mud. Let them grieve, heal, and live life again.


Step 6) Don't let fear, uncertainty, and doubt trump Step 5. It is wrong for you to stay because you're afraid you won't find anybody better, or who will love you as much, etc.


Step 7) Accept that you're allowed to make mistakes. If your decision to leave turns out to be a huge mistake, then call it that, make corrections, and move on. You may not be able to have your marriage back, but it won't mean your life is over. If it was a huge mistake to leave then invest more time and energy into figuring out what went wrong, address the problem, then try again (albeit with someone else).


Step 8. Make a decision and stick with it.



Take care,


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Probably will leave, despite 27+ years invested. He won't hold hands when we walk, we never have 'snuggled' and his rational, logical thinking holds no interest for me. The kids are now 18 and 21 and will probably understand, if not immediately approve, my need for cuddling and personal warmth. At 58 years old, I don't think it's too late! Any insights?

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Probably will leave, despite 27+ years invested. He won't hold hands when we walk, we never have 'snuggled' and his rational, logical thinking holds no interest for me. The kids are now 18 and 21 and will probably understand, if not immediately approve, my need for cuddling and personal warmth. At 58 years old, I don't think it's too late! Any insights?


Is it safe to assume that you've discussed this with him and he is unwilling to change? If so, then the equation is simple: I have a need that remains unmet and you have decided not to meet my needs. I must leave.


If not, then it is your responsibility to let him know how your needs are not being met.


In other words, give him the opportunity to fix what's broken. If he makes the decision not to fix it, then leave and find someone who will fulfill those needs.

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Well said....I'm going through a separation and your thoughts hold true.


I agree with Captain when stating...my jokes no longer worked....she wasn't just comfortable with me...she didn't love me...and I understood that I didn't love her.


Separation is HARD, but you can do it.

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Hi swlilbit84, I've read your other posts and I feel for you, I really do. I totally agree with you that divorce sometimes seems to be the easiest option for people, but that isn't the route I wanted to take from the very beginning. It kills me that I hurt him and, believe me, the reason I've stayed as long as I have is that I want him to be happy. But in the process, I feel like I've put my own happiness on the back burner. We've tried the date nights, couples counseling--we even have sex way more frequently than we used to. I don't really know how much longer I can go on like this.


I am pretty well aware that love has its ups and downs, and I don't expect every day to be puppies, unicorns, and rainbows. I've been with this man for over eight years and we've been through a lot together. He is truly my best friend and I love him more than I can ever express, but at what point do you know that those feelings are gone for good (if they were ever really there to begin with)?

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  • 4 weeks later...

Don't really have much to add but I'm having a supremely difficult day today. I'm starting to realize that my pattern has been to place other people's happiness above my own, especially in my marriage. Sometimes this leads to eruptions of enormous anger/resentment because I'm realizing that a lot of the dreams/goals I had for myself got swept under the rug along the way to accommodate his idea of what an acceptable future for us would look like.


I've just been bawling my eyes out today. The future ahead looks dark, and either choice I make seems like it will lead to a dead end...

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Hardboiledegg!


How do you do? Maybe you remember that I was walking in the same shoes as you do... couldn't bring myself to break up with my partner after many years of relationship, although I wasn't able to be myself and be happy there.


But some 3 weeks ago I made the decision and got out... and you can't imagine how happy and relieved I am! Even if some days are hard, but I keep on reminding myself that now I respect myself enough to give myself a chance to live a happy life. And even if I fail to find the right partner, but at least I had my dream and found finally enough strength to go after it and do my best to realize!


I'm sure that you've got this strength as well in you - you deserve to be happy!

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