Jump to content

He's just not that into me?


Greggie

Recommended Posts

So something new has happened. Something different and unusual and new. At first I thought it was wonderful, finally feeling an attraction towards somebody (instead of walking around like a zombie ice queen, with not so much as a glimmer of interest in other human beings), but now ...urgh, it's just annoying! This may have something to do with the fact that this person has not so much as a sliver of interest in me. =P

 

I met this person at the salon where he works (he's a hairdresser) and always found him interesting (not in any romantic sort of way, I just thought he was an interesting person who I could become friends with). No friendship was ever pursued, and we would hug and say hi when we would meet at clubs and such, but that was basically it.

 

...Until one day not too long ago I met him at a club and ended up going to an afterparty at his place. (This after"party" pretty much consisted of him, me and a colleague of mine.) The colleague soon fell alseep, and him and I ended up sitting up talking. I was whiny and obsessive and fixated on the married man who I then had feelings for, and endulged my self-pity fully - as he did the same, telling gallant tales about his "the one who got away". For some reason it seemed like a good idea (at the time!) for us to have sex with each other, and so we stupidly (and drunkenly I might add!) did. Forgive my bluntness, but it pretty much sucked. I mean, really really sucked. The problem was not him but me, and the fact that sex without feelings just doesn't do it for me. I was litterally counting down the seconds till he came. Eventually he did (finally!) and he fell alseep with his arms around me. I barely slept, because the whole thing just felt unnatural and awkward, and so I lay there in all my awkwardness, regretting every stupid moment of that stupid stupid night.

 

We went about our lives, and would still run into each other, hug, say hi, joke about the fact that we had had sex with each other, and everything was completely normal. No awkwardness, nothing - and we both seemed to be in agreement that this was a one night stand and nothing more. At the time, I still had no romantic interest in him. He contacted me a couple of times via texts and Facebook, basically asking me to meet him for sex. I diplomatically declined each time, with excuses like "I have to get up early in the morning"; (I have a real problem "brutally" rejecting people).

 

Then, just this Wednesday, he came by the club where I work, and asked what I was doing later. He invited me to come with him and his friend to his friend's place to see a horror movie. Seeing as I love horror movies (though they sadly don't scare me as much now as they did in my littler years), I happily accepted. ...And let me tell you, it was the most fun I've had in a long time! After the movie, we sat up discussing conspiracy theories into the wee hours of the night, and eventually went to sleep together (like sleep-sleep, in the dreaming-snoring-resting sense). He tried to have sex with me, but I politely declined yet again. After some convincing (A LOT of convincing) he finally agreed to go to sleep, and we lay in each other's arms, and this time, it was AMAZING. By the time I woke up the next morning, I was sold. Too bad he wasn't as sold on me...

 

Now let me just mention that I am an old-fashioned girl in many senses, one of them being the fact that I prefer for a guy to pursue me rather than the other way around. I have never aggressively pursued anyone, and probably never will either, no matter how much I like someone. The way I see it, if he likes me, he'll show it, he'll pursue me. If not, then too bad I guess... But seeing as it is very rare for me to feel an attraction towards somebody, I decided not to let my passive aggressiveness get the best of me, and asked him on Facebook if he was going out. He responded with a disintrested "Yeah, I think so..." and I responded with some half-funny comment that was met with nothing but SILENCE. The neurotic Woody Allen that neaurotically lives inside me declared it official that this boy had absolutely NO interest in me.

 

...And as if it wasn't official enough already (which it was by the way!) that night at the club he made it more official than ever, completely ignoring me in every sense of the word. I mean, I was air. Dirty polluted air that was of no worth to anyone.

 

My best friend told me she got the "playing hard to get" vibe from him, but let's not be concieted here... I guess he's just not that into me, which is kind of sad, because I was kind of into him. The defeatist in me is yelling for me to JUST GIVE UP ALREADY, but it is just so rare for me to find someone I actually have an interest in! I genereally find 95 % of all guys I meet boring to tears, ignorant and shallow - and without personality. Too bad the one person I actually liked finds me all those things=(

 

So I guess my question is, where do I go from here? I mean, I can't FORCE someone to take an interest in me, and if that's how it has to be done, then truth is I don't want it done at all. But still, there's something about this one... Advice? Thoughts? Pity? Feel free to be brutally honest=)

Link to comment

I'm in the same position as you, sans the sex part. Two years after a really bad break up, I finally met someone I really liked, someone that set me on fire. Someone I thought I had mad chemistry with. Too bad he likes someone else, and my telling him I liked him made no difference. In fact, I think it made him like the other girl even more. I rarely put myself out there; I usually let a guy pursue me. But I let down my guard this time and was totally honest with him. The bright side is that I know how he feels about me. The down side is that I know how he doesn't feel about me. Sucks big time. I know I'll never meet anyone else like him.

 

I'm with you, Greggie. Most guys bore me to tears. It's so rare that I meet a guy whom I am attracted to, who is intelligent, and who is exciting in every way. Then when I do, he couldn't give two straws about me.

 

I feel for you. It's too bad you were intimate with him. I can imagine that only intensified your feelings for him. For him it was just sex and onto the next.

 

I would totally cut him off and move on to someone who really likes you and wants to get to know you. You are worth it. There are millions of men in this country. Surely there is someone else out there who tickles your fancy.

Link to comment

Obviously having sex with him that night at the "after party" put having a relationship with him as extremely unlikely.

 

Sleeping over his place without having sex put you in an equally bad position. Getting that close and familiar, even without putting out, killed some of the attraction. You should have made him take you OUT somewhere and put up physical boundaries even as far as hugging,cuddlling,etc...goes.

 

What fools call games is actually a social dance that must occur for a relationship to progress.

 

Attraction is like a rubberband, get too close the ends can't snap together, get too far it breaks.

 

You need to re-zero the relationship. Go no contact. Be civil and indifferent torwards him(especially when he ignores you). In 3-6 months if you still feel the same way you can subtely invite him to TAKE YOU OUT ON A DATE LIKE ONE WHO IS WORTHY OF RESPECT. No "afterparties" or horror movies at his place.

 

How things begin is how they shall end.

Link to comment
I'm with you, Greggie. Most guys bore me to tears. It's so rare that I meet a guy whom I am attracted to, who is intelligent, and who is exciting in every way. Then when I do, he couldn't give two straws about me.

 

Wow, I truy could not have said this better myself; this is EXACTLY my situation! All the half-witted bores out there seem to find me fascinating, but the ones who can actually carry an interesting conversation couldn't care less if they tried.

 

And I completely agree with your opinion that the best thing for me to do is to just cut him off. I have a theory that his newly-developed disinterest in me might be a direct result of the fact that I "officially" rejected him for sex that Wednesday night (the other times I made up stupid excuses, but it never became clear that I actually DID NOT want to) and so I suppose he sees no further purpose with me. Wow, for me it was an amazing night, and for him it was just a disappointment I guess, seeing as it was lacking in sex. And if that's the kind of guy he is, then I guess it's not too big of a loss (or at least this is what I will tell myself!=p). He was charismatic, intelligent, funny, reflected and charming though.. Oh well...

 

How did you deal with your guy? Cut all contact?

Link to comment
Obviously having sex with him that night at the "after party" put having a relationship with him as extremely unlikely.

 

Sleeping over his place without having sex put you in an equally bad position. Getting that close and familiar, even without putting out, killed some of the attraction. You should have made him take you OUT somewhere and put up physical boundaries even as far as hugging,cuddlling,etc...goes.

 

I realize that our night of shame was a BIG MISTAKE, but at the time it didn't matter I guess because I had no romantic interest in him. Nor did I see him in that light when he invited me to see the horror film, but something just clicked inside my brain that night, and so being physical with him felt natural and wonderful, though you are probably right that it was not ideal for the situation. I am definitely giving this whole thing up as of this moment though!

Link to comment
How did you deal with your guy? Cut all contact?

 

Yeah, pretty much. I saw him this past Sunday at the dance hall we go to. We did dance together once, and this was our first contact in two weeks after I told him how I felt about him. It was probably a pity dance.

 

I usually saw him on Thursdays at salsa dance classes, but I know the girl he likes will be there, and I don't want to put myself in that position. So I decided to lay low for this class session, six weeks--maybe more. I also decided to stop contacting him via Facebook. I might see him at the next dance social, but I won't approach him. He approached me last time. Basically, I'm not making any more effort to get this guy to like me. I will be cordial when I see him, but nothing beyond that. I figure there are plenty of other guys who will like me and want to get to know me. It hurts, because he really is the most fascinating man I've met to-date. I wish so much he liked me back, but that's just not the case. I'm just going to move on like I never said I liked him and just forget it. It feels cold, but I think it's the best way.

Link to comment

I hope that you can make this a learning experience, and realize that having sex right off the bat does not equal a relationship. I would have handled it differently by getting to know him, and making sure he was interested in dating me, by going to public places, and see if there was a chance of a potential relationship.

Link to comment
is it just me, but somehow it seems like your interest in him isn't very high either? you two seem like better friends than lovers. just a thought.....

 

I completely understand what you mean, especially since I always saw him in the "friend" light until just recently. It is almost as if this newly found attraction just fell over me overnight, but then again, the same thing happened with my ex, who I had known and been good friends with for over a year, when I suddenly, for no known reason, began to feel for him romantically.

 

I guess my interest in this guy doesn't seem that high because I have not spent enough time with him to further develop it. It's hard to describe how I feel really at the moment; all I know is that I wish for his company and feel a definitie attraction towards him, based on the qualities which he posesses. It is mostly the fact that it is so rare for me to take an interest in someone that keeps me dwelling on it, but I shall do my best to dwell no longer. This guy definitely has no interest in me as a person, as he has clearly demonstrated on numerous occasions, so I guess that's it. Plenty of fish in the sea right? Or so they say...

Link to comment
I hope that you can make this a learning experience, and realize that having sex right off the bat does not equal a relationship. I would have handled it differently by getting to know him, and making sure he was interested in dating me, by going to public places, and see if there was a chance of a potential relationship.

 

As I have mentioned though, at the time of the one night stand I had no romantic interest in him. I would never purposely have gone about having sex with someone as an attempt to jump-start a relationship; for me, sex is only pleasurable if I have true feelings for that person, meaning I have to have gotten to know someone properly before becoming sexually attracted.

Link to comment
As I have mentioned though, at the time of the one night stand I had no romantic interest in him. I would never purposely have gone about having sex with someone as an attempt to jump-start a relationship; for me, sex is only pleasurable if I have true feelings for that person, meaning I have to have gotten to know someone properly before becoming sexually attracted.

 

Ok, but I'm not sure what your original question is, do you mean that you're interested in dating this same guy?

Link to comment
Ok, but I'm not sure what your original question is, do you mean that you're interested in dating this same guy?

 

Yes. I guess my question was if I should pursue this any further or just give up already? (I think perhaps watching that movie "He's Just Not That Into You" again would do me loads of good right now=P) It's just that I so rarely feel attraction towards someone, and I've never before been interested in someone who isn't interested back, not because I'm such an amazing catch or anything, but because when I like someone it isn't purely based on HIM, but rather on US. On CHEMISTRY, but apparently thsi guy just doesn't seem to agree that this is something we have, or at least he hasn't take the time to notice it. But I rant on. Yes, original question was the above =)

Link to comment
Yes. I guess my question was if I should pursue this any further or just give up already? (I think perhaps watching that movie "He's Just Not That Into You" again would do me loads of good right now=P) It's just that I so rarely feel attraction towards someone, and I've never before been interested in someone who isn't interested back, not because I'm such an amazing catch or anything, but because when I like someone it isn't purely based on HIM, but rather on US. On CHEMISTRY, but apparently thsi guy just doesn't seem to agree that this is something we have, or at least he hasn't take the time to notice it. But I rant on. Yes, original question was the above =)

 

As other posters have said, you slept with him way too soon. You allowed him to know you sexually, before he knew who you were as a person.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...