Extended family conflicts.

[cazmoore]

I'm so upset right now, I'm not sure what the hell to do. I feel so hurt but I don't want to give anyone the satisfaction for making me cry.

 

I was talking with my cousin "Kelly" online, (younger cousin 19) on video chat. My parents are from Scotland and immigrated to Canada, and my brother immgrated to Scotland, so I have no family here. I'm estranged from my mother's mom (my Gran), who is also estranged from her. Her mother use to abuse my mom, while my MOM worked to bring in money since her dad was an alcoholic.. had been in and out of jail.... and to get away from that life, my mom came to Canada with my dad. They never had a stable relationship (my mum and her mum).. which has some how carried on to me since I've grown up. I'm the only grandchild she pretends she doesn't even have. I have done nothing wrong.

 

I'm the second oldest grandchild. My gran hasn't sent me any cards, doesn't inquire about me, and when I'm spoken about in front of her with my own BROTHER there, she'll say "Who? Who is THAT? Caroline WHO?" pretending she doesn't even know who I am. I know I shouldn't care, but this hurts. She never acknowledged me at my brothers wedding last year, she wouldn't even shake my mum's hand when offering the sign of peace.

 

When my cousin was telling me that my Gran was pretending she didn't know who I was, that hurt. "Caroline WHO?" with my brother replying "...my sister, Caroline". My cousin also told me that another cousin of mine, "Marie" was upset about some of the photos I have from the wedding on facebook (which Marie doesn't even have). "Marie" was upset over the pictures and told her mum, which is my AUNT, and she said "What is this? Is this the competition of the cousins? She's a * * * * * for doing that". I'm all the way over here, in Canada, and I can't even defend myself. Even if I do, the fight will never get resolved. I looked at the pictures and there's TWO. She's not looking at the camera in one of them and it's the only pictures of her I have. I never found them horrible at all.

 

I got upset at "Kelly" for telling me that... and I asked her WHY she felt like she needed to tell me? Why would you tell anyone hurtful things if there is no real reason to know? I feel like I've been stabbed in the back, I haven't even done anything wrong. It sounds so petty but I feel so hurt over this right now.

 

I'm not sure if I should just LEAVE the whole thing along, call up my Aunt and ask what the hell is going on and say, here's my password and email to facebook, got look them up yourself... then ask my brother why he never sticks up for me. His response to my cousin for not sticking up for me was "Well, you know, she's just like that... it goes in one ear and out the other" don't listen.

 

I'm going to bed upset, I have exams, I don't need this.... this is too much.

[eggplant47]

Unfortunately, I'd say your Grandma would be a total write off. It's not your fault, it's terribly unfair to you, but she has carried on this cruel charade far too long & to such a length that it is unlikely she will ever change. You don't deserve to be treated that way-so just remove yourself from this toxic situation.

 

I'd have to say the same for the overly sensitive/suspicious Marie and her mom. You don't deserve to be talked about that way for simply enjoying photo's of your brother's wedding!

 

Concentrate on improving things with the relatives you are close to. Tell your brother that it hurts you when he goes along with your Grandmother's nasty slights & tell Kelly that she only hurts you when she relays to you all the unpleasant things that may have been said. It's possible Kelly thought she was doing you a favor by letting you know the truth about what was being said... but she should respect your wishes if you tell her you just don't want to hear anymore negativity.

 

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. And I think your mom was really brave to leave for a strange country to secure a better future for her children.

[cazmoore]

So do you think I should not even bother calling my aunt and cousin to find out with this mess was about? Part me is just saying "leave it"... my cousin is only 19, she's been arguing with my other cousin and I wonder what her motive's are, and I asked her this. I got off video promptly because I was upset. I don't even want to talk to her now.

 

I don't want to tell my mom about this either, because it's her own mother AND her sister that are saying this about me... and it'll probably hurt her.. but I feel like, why can't I stick up for myself?

 

I don't know.. no-one is awake for me to talk to about this and I just feel embarrassed for crying about it but it hurts.

 

But thanks for your reply.

[eggplant47]

Don't feel embarassed for crying! I would be very hurt too.

 

Since you say Kelly has been arguing with Marie, I'd assume that she told you what she did to gain your sympathy or maybe in an effort to bond with you. I understand why you would be upset with her, but try to keep in mind she is still young. She may have repeated these things to you impulsively without truly thinking about the effect they would have on you.

 

As to whether you should call your Aunt and your other cousin... I would say it depends on how close you really are. If these are family members that you barely speak with, why not just disregard them & whatever they might say just to spare yourself the stress.

If you have always been close with the two of them, then why not call your cousin and calmly say that you've become aware that she's upset about some photo's you posted and you hope she will understand that it was not done to upset her because to you- everyone looked great!