Ughhh I need some SERIOUS advice

[spencervintage]

Ok, I'm on here asking because I honestly have never really had to deal with something like this before.

 

I met a guy and he asked me out on a date that same day. I met his parents on our first "date" (it was a party), and we kissed that night. From that point on he texted me nonstop, called me beautiful/pretty, always asked how I was, and invited me over every night to his apartment. In fact, by our third date he asked me to date him exclusively. He told me he adored me, NEVER made any type of sleazy moves on me, and things seemed to be moving along great, if not a little more seriously on his part then on mine. But 3 weeks later it's a TOTALLY different story. All of a sudden (within the past 2 weeks, we've been together for about 5 weeks total) he doesn't text me, doesn't really want to hang out with me, and hasn't even tried to kiss me the past two times we have hung out (I called him to hang out, I felt like a hassle the entire time I was there). He doesn't call me me beautiful anymore, and I feel like an idiot.

 

I talked to him about why he doesn't really call me or anything anymore and why all of a sudden we don't see each other, and to be honest I was planning on ending it but he was insistent that it's because he's crazy busy at work and is just down because his best friend is moving far away and his brother is going to college. He also said that he didn't really want to rush things and felt like the "relationship" is fine the way it is. I was with him for a couple of hours and he talked to me like nothing was wrong, but it felt like a very friend vibe.

 

I hate to admit that I've become a little bit attached, but it's hard not to be when someone chases after you so intensely and spends every waking moment with you. I'm so beyond confused about what his deal is, and I don't want to continue this if it's got no future, Its just bizarre. PLEASE HELP!

[pumpkinmoon]

That does sound odd. Could it be that you are maybe reading into things a little? If not, I would back right off and let him do the legwork.

[Gabo]

Relationships that start too fast often end too fast.

 

That said, its difficult to give you advice on this. I couldn't tell you if he isn't interested anymore, if he just needs a little break or if he really just has a lot going the last couple days. The not kissing you part seems a little bit worrying, I will say.

[spencervintage]

He told me I worry about things too much and that it's fine, but in the next breath he talks about how slammed he is with work and how he has no free time.....maybe I'm reading into it too much, I guess I will just back off.

[guynextdoor]

have you slept with the dude yet? maybe the chase is over...

[spencervintage]

Relationships that start too fast often end too fast.

 

That said, its difficult to give you advice on this. I couldn't tell you if he isn't interested anymore, if he just needs a little break or if he really just has a lot going the last couple days. The not kissing you part seems a little bit worrying, I will say.

 

That's the part that confuses me the most, yuck I feel like a teenager again its pathetic.

[spencervintage]

have you slept with the dude yet? maybe the chase is over...

 

Nope, we almost did (there was alcohol involved), but he stopped me and said that we hadn't been together long enough and he didn't want to ruin the relationship before it could get serious. That was like two weeks ago, and after that it started to go downhill a little bit, I've been seeing him way less. I keep thinking that I freaked him out, but who knows.

[pumpkinmoon]

See, I could understand if he was texting less and unable to see you as often because he has been busy, but when you are together he shouldn't be acting differently if he is still interested. If anything, he should seem more interested because he hasn't been seeing you as much.

[spencervintage]

He just seems depressed, and when were together he talks to me the same (joking around etc) but he won't even come near me as far as affection goes.

[pumpkinmoon]

Could it be that he is afraid it will go too far if he becomes affectionate with you?

[guynextdoor]

Did he got hurt in the previous relationship? Maybe he realize he jumped into it to fast and is afraid to get hurt.

[Gabo]

He just seems depressed, and when were together he talks to me the same (joking around etc) but he won't even come near me as far as affection goes.

 

Look, I will say this.

 

A couple months ago, I was really ready to be in a relationship. I dated someone at the time and I was very open, communicative, affectionate. She ended it, but thats another story.

 

Shortly after that ended, I had to begin a job search. I started realizing that I might not be able to stay in the current city I am in. Often, I am really stressed. I've dated and continue to date girls during this time, but my mind is on other things..... sometimes I just don't want to hang out with them or call them. So I dunno.... like I said, there could be truth to him having other things going on that are taking his attention.

[spencervintage]

I don't really know why he would be nervous, I wouldn't want him to feel uncomfortable and by no means am I eager to start that kind of relationship with someone I haven't known for very long. Like I said, I was drunk and it wasn't intentionally said, I just felt like he was being pretty intense so I thought that's where it was going.

[SongCoyote]

First of all, bravo to both of you for not giving in to the alcohol - that would certainly have confused the issue.

 

I think it's been too soon in your relationship to really tell what's going on. It's quite possible that he really is just overwhelmed, and this coupled with getting such interest from you may have him feeling tired and down.

 

That doesn't mean he's not into you, it just means you need to respect his boundaries and give him some space. Don't worry about what's going on with him if he's feeling too out of sorts to take you into his confidence; if his world has been shaken, pushing for closeness may drive him away.

 

Take some deep breaths and a long drink of water, find some relaxation and calm for yourself, and be compassionate about your own reactions and his. Give it a day or two, then send a friendly message that says something like, "Hey [name]! I was just thinking about you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now, and I hope things get easier for you. I'd love to hear from you, so drop me a note when you're ready. I enjoy your company and would like more of it! Hugs, [me]"

 

Or something. No pressure, just an offering of your time and energy in a happy and understanding way. Once you do get a response, stay calm and be present for him (without sacrificing too much of your personal energy; take care of yourself!) and ask him - gently - how things are and if there's anything you can do.

 

If you get no response to your first message or he won't open up to your gentle approach, then you'll have to weigh whether you're willing to wait for him to sort himself out (and find out if he still wants to see you then) which may take a while. Or you may wish to simply say, "I enjoyed our time together and want more, but if you're not up to it right now I understand. Let me know if you change your mind. Thanks, [me]" Or something like that. Again, gentle, friendly, and giving him permission to contact you without pressure to be more.

 

Your mileage may vary, of course, but those are my recommendations. Peace be with you, and I hope it all works out in whatever way is best for both of you.

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[spencervintage]

Did he got hurt in the previous relationship? Maybe he realize he jumped into it to fast and is afraid to get hurt.

 

He did get hurt pretty badly in his last relationship, she went away to college and ended it, then told him she wanted to get back together, and then ended it again a few weeks later. He admits he's a pretty emotional person, and I asked him if he was ready for a relationship so soon but he said he totally was, that he felt really good being with me, blah blah blah.