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I'm ruining our relationship!


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I've been seeing my girlfriend for almost 2 years but for a while now I've been acting differently. Obviously during the honeymoon period things were amazing but about 6 months ago I started showing less and less affection. I'm aware of this but I have very little desire to have sex and I don't show my love by staring into her eyes, saying loving things, touching her etc. like I used to.


My life has gone through a lot of changes this year and I've been under a lot of stress from major injuries, surgeries and job problems but she's stuck by me despite receiving very little assurance that our future is secure. It's now come to a crossroads. She has told me we need to take a break and I need to think about what I really want. If I want her, she needs me to change and start showing her that I love her. The problem is, I don't know what I want! I know I love her and she's the most loving, affectionate, caring, generous and amazing girl I've ever known! So how do I kick start my emotions again?! How do I change so that I love her like she loves me?!


Or is all this just futile? Are we destined to break up because I don't love her enough? I'm 33 years old... If I throw this away I may never meet another girl who will be as loving and devoted as her.


I know she's in pain now and the guilt is unbearable.

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So you don't live together?


Well thats a good idea to have two months apart to think. It doesnt mean you don't like her a person or you dont have caring feelings for her, maybe she is just not for you. Some people in life can be lovely people, but they are just not suited to us. Or perhaps you cannot give to a relationship because of all the problems you have had.

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Yes I have doubts that she is the one but I want her to be!


No, I've never been treated for depression. I have just contacted a therapist via email. It can't so any harm to see what she thinks.


Yes I wanted my boyfriend to be the one, but he isn't because I have just not been happy for some time now. The longer it goes on, the less you can ignore it.


A lot of people hang on because they want it to work, but when you have been trying for a long time, its time to face the music I think.


It's interetsing, do you have the same values and ideas on things? Money, People, household chores etc?

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this is what I advise you to do: analyse what you have gone through (what you mentioned about the injuries and all), and think about how this may have affected you (your personality and even your relationship). After that, think about the feelings you have for her: do you really love her, in a romantic way? or the "best friends but not lovers" way? if you think she's "the one", tell her that,and also tell her that decisions like marriage or kids should be done when both parties envolved are equally ok.


Also, consider the possibility that you might be clinically depressed. If you consult the "checklist" for this, the list of symptoms is very similar to yours, I'd see a psychiatrist. Considering that you may have been through some major life changes in a recent past, it wouldn't be uncommon.


Best of luck

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We're both tidy, not afraid of a hard days work and know the value of money. We rarely argue and have a similar sense of humour, which is why this is so confusing for me! It's not like we have a bad relationship, I just have this inability to show my love to her.

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I don't think I am depressed. I've looked through a few online depression tests and although I feel fatigued and my sleep patterns are affected at the moment this is obviously down to the fact that I have recently undergone major surgery on my leg and sleeping with a leg brace takes some getting used to.


I'm also feeling down right now because I feel on the verge of a breakup and I'm fearful of losing someone I love.


As mentioned before, I have contacted a therapist and I will book an appointment. I have plenty of spare time at the moment so if anything can help then I'm willing to give it a go.

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A friend of mine explained what she thought was the cause of our problems... My girlfriend chose to change a lot of her life to be with me. She spends most of her time at my house and with my friends. She has no hobbies and when she's not working she either wants to be with me or talking to me on the phone. Whereas I have a busy life and spend most evenings either at the gym or out with my friends.


Perhaps she needs more of a life of her own and more independence?


I have no idea if this is the correct diagnosis, what does everyone think?

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In what way has she changed a lot of her life? Why is she always at yours and how often? Its worrying if she has no life of her own. Do you suggest going to hers? Where are her friends and what does she do whilst you're out with yours or at the gym?


You mention injuries and surgery and that she's supported you. Could that be a factor for her being there more? Do you feel like she leans on you for her happiness?


If you'd planned to move in with her and then changed your mind about it, it's natural for her to feel insecure. she's might be trying to win back your affection if she thinks shes losing it and maybe that has come accross as in your face. You say she's loving and caring so she might think shes helping but she does need to be her own person for the relationship to be healthy. without knowing your circumstances its hard to tell if she's relient on you to be happy or if her insecurity is a contributing factor for you not feelinh able to comitt to her. But if shes lonely and/or insecure then its surprising that she has asked 4 a break from you.

Maybe time apart will help you both to think about whether you are right together. She might be amazing and caring etc if the love is not mutual then its not fair to either of you to stay together.

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