Ever felt like they're testing you? cause they still care.

[GenoGeno]

I almost feel like my ex is testing me sometimes...i realize this is why i haven't gone strait no contact. I look at what all the dumpers in here say when they dump someone they don't want anything to do with the dumpee (for the most part)

But my ex always calls me after she goes out drinking, I'm talking like 1:00 in the morning or like last nights case....5:00AM in the morning. Just to chat!

I notice she talks a lot about guys...and they're interest in her but always backs it up with letting me know nothing happened. She also jokes around about what my "next girlfriend" is in for. It almost seems like she's trying to make me jealous but without blatantly doing it. It also makes me think she maybe still does have feelings for me even though she keeps those feelings locked in a vault so I would never ever see them no matter how hard I looked. It's like she's trying to be like...look at me...I'm tough, I don't need you in my life with me from what you did...but the jealousy she shows in other girls and her actions kind of show differently...if you didn't care you wouldn't still go through my myspace friends and get upset when you see good looking girls there. You wouldn't be calling me all the time after clubs at absurd hours...People say when you're drunk feelings come out and could that by why she always calls only when she's drunk?

 

Has anybody else ever felt like they want to tell you they still like you...just would never ever do it or let you think that?

[feejruin]

sure. Im sure we've all felt that way - i think it's the heart in denial.

[GenoGeno]

Ours or there's?

Yeah my heart is definitely in denial but for all of you who your ex still contacts you, that's gotta raise some questions. If you broke up with someone and didn't feel the same about them anymore...do you really think you would call them a lot still? Maybe I'm just different but I wouldn't.

[feejruin]

ours

 

by telling ourselves "theyre testing us" it makes us think that there's a reason behind what they're doing - kinda gives more significance to the contact in our minds. when it probably really means nothing anyway.

[TryingVeryHard]

Ours or there's?

Yeah my heart is definitely in denial but for all of you who your ex still contacts you, that's gotta raise some questions. If you broke up with someone and didn't feel the same about them anymore...do you really think you would call them a lot still? Maybe I'm just different but I wouldn't.

 

If you go by the information on this board, then the reason that the dumper would continue to contact is because they still have a need for some one to talk to, and they'll still use the dumpee for that purpose until they find some one new... It's a way for them to never REALLY have to deal with being completely alone.

 

When she finds the new guy, I'd imagine you won't be getting anymore late night phone calls.

[GenoGeno]

Well there is always a reason, that's the unknown. The unknown is what scares us and we don't want to venture into that unknown so we block ourselves with no contact. I'm an avid believer in taking risks for what you want though, even though it may not be healthy. I'm sure some people think the same way.

TryingVeryHard that may be true, but maybe it's her context in the calls that drive me to believe something else.

I'm still going to deal with chance, if that happens it happens I'll take the hurt full on in the face. It's not like I gotta beg or be needy.

[FrenchFries]

The guy I dumped I continued initiating contact with for a little while, even though I knew I would not get back with him. I wasn't testing him, I was weaning myself off of him. Just because someone breaks up with you doesn't mean they suddenly just don't feel for you anymore but they've done what they know in their hearts is best for them.

 

Just be careful not to equate "she's still contacting me and acting jealous" with "she still wants to be with me". It is natural for it to take some time to break away from an ex, even if you are the dumper ESPECIALLY if the relationship lasted any amount of time and/or you felt like you HAD to break it off because of mistreatment, etc.

[GenoGeno]

Yeah that is all very true, you guys seem to be pounding some good knowledge into my head. It almost seems kind of cruel to do that to someone though.

[feejruin]

When she finds the new guy, I'd imagine you won't be getting anymore late night phone calls.

 

im experiencing this right now. and it's tough, very tough. even though theres NIC on my part, the IC from her is addicting. the methadone "cure"

[guiltyflood]

Of course they still care. If they don't then you got cheated out of the relationship or he/she has no heart.

 

My ex did that to me for a while, while keeping it clear as to what she wants. But I know that, at the moment, she probably does not want me out of her life and, in many ways, she misses me. She just does not want to get back.

 

Ultimately, its your call as to how you want to deal with it, based on what you want. If you can't just be friends, then you need to take that extra initiative. If not, go with it. Just don't read too much into it, because you're simply setting yourself up.

[GenoGeno]

Do you guys feel like your ex would be honest with you if they actually said "I'm not looking for any guys right now" Like she is a very pretty girl and i always had to deal with guys hitting on her when we weren't going out. So i know it happens all that much more when she goes out to clubs. NC almost just seems to me like a sure shot to break something that maybe could happen again if you stay friends...but how do most people deal with the being friends thing? just suck it up?

[LoveSoDeep]

Do I feel like my ex is testing me? All the time!

 

Do I feel like he wouldn't be doing if he didn't care? I feel like if he didn't care he would be able to leave me alone...as it is now he can't leave me alone for more than 48 hours and it's been over a year since we broke up.

 

Would I believe him if he said he wasn't interested in other girls? Yes, I would.

 

Being friends can be really hard. It takes tons of patience and really if you can't just let go of the idea of getting them back it can be very painful. If you want her back and she isn't even willing to entertain it, it will be a world of heartbreak for you.

 

None of this means your ex is the same way though...everyone is different.

[GenoGeno]

Yeah I guess it's kind of testing the fabric of human nature. The thought that if they once liked you...it can happen again. So I got the call at 5:00AM last night then she called me again in the morning today.. (Technically the same day) probably the most she has initiated contact since the break up. It's definitely raising some questions as to why she's contacting me more now the longer it goes.

[feejruin]

Yeah I guess it's kind of testing the fabric of human nature. The thought that if they once liked you...it can happen again. So I got the call at 5:00AM last night then she called me again in the morning today.. (Technically the same day) probably the most she has initiated contact since the break up. It's definitely raising some questions as to why she's contacting me more now the longer it goes.

 

same thing started happening to me, couple weeks after i started NIC.

 

never mentioned anything "serious" - sorta got me hooked on the contact again. Realized recently that she's started seeing someone new despite all the protestations of "not wanting to be in a relationship".

 

i'm having a hard time right now. actions =/= words...

[feejruin]

Do you guys feel like your ex would be honest with you if they actually said "I'm not looking for any guys right now"

 

*sigh*

 

famous last words, so to speak.

[GenoGeno]

Sorry to hear man, I could easily see it going that way for me as well. A lot of guys give her attention now and all it takes is one that she takes interest in and i'd probably be out of the picture completely. And i almost feel like that's going to happen more than me getting back with her. But who knows, everybody is different. Maybe that guys just a rebound? nothing serious.

[Ms Darcy]

Unfortunately, the only feelings that seem apparent in what you describe in the original post, to me, are passive aggressiveness and anger. Sometimes you try to make someone jealous to make them miss what they lost. Read: torture. She knows you want her back ... remember that.

[feejruin]

Maybe that guys just a rebound? nothing serious.

 

thanks for the kind words. but it's important to realize that it doesnt really matter whether hes a rebound or someone serious. in this situation we must focus on ourselves exclusively...just a real drag to worry about what she's doing or why she's doing it. counterproductive, and draining.

[GenoGeno]

yeah it is true to realize this. I just find it funny how she can flip so easy on the spectrum from being nice and seeming like she wants to talk to me...tooo non responsive. It's a mind trip for sure.

[iBroken]

If you go by the information on this board, then the reason that the dumper would continue to contact is because they still have a need for some one to talk to, and they'll still use the dumpee for that purpose until they find some one new... It's a way for them to never REALLY have to deal with being completely alone.

 

When she finds the new guy, I'd imagine you won't be getting anymore late night phone calls.

 

Exactly this.........

[jellysandwich]

Why are you giving her that much attention? If she's calling at 5am, leave it be and sleep.

[Live-N-Learn]

Geno, my X is worse. It's been 3 months since the break up and she only gives me enough to keep me around. Stopped hanging out all together until about a month ago. She slept over about 3 weeks ago, went out to bars together the past two friday and saturday nights and we made out. But while not partying, kinda not around. Doesn't initiate many texts and hardly calls. I think there might be another guy, if not, she defiantly is not on her way back full time. I think just waiting for the right guy.

 

Today we went to the zoo after partying all weekend together kissing and having fun. Today she would not even hold my hand at the zoo. It was really uncomfortable. At the end of the time she said, we should go to the lake next Sunday! I won't let myself be friend zoned. She is killing me. I think I need to go NC, I tried to get her back and she has given me a lot but not enough. I am in the middle and it sucks

[GenoGeno]

Mine won't even hang out with me because she knows I'm still crazy about her and she know's i'll stress her out.

[Live-N-Learn]

I hear ya, she knows I still want her back badly but won't come back. She is really confusing me by the past month. sleeping with me, hanging out both weekends making out. We were drinking all those times but she made the decision to hang out and knew what might happen.

 

Then today not wanting to hold hands made me feel like it was all just the alcohol. I am seriously needing to go NIC at the least right now. I feel like a fool for putting myself out there again. I wish she would just let me know where I stand by she won't.

 

I think you are better off with nothing than what I have now.

[squirl]

...5:00AM in the morning. Just to chat!

I notice she talks a lot about guys...and they're interest

 

Has anybody else ever felt like they want to tell you they still like you...just would never ever do it or let you think that?

 

No. Talking about other guys is classic friendzoning behavior. Calling at those hours is disrespectful and overly familiar unless it is an emergency.

 

It means she (a) can't handle her alcohol, (b) is immature and needful of attention, © is hitting you up for a nightcap ego boost once she gets home and off the high she gets from having these other guys after her, and/or (d) is testing just how much of a doormat you're still willing to be.

 

Tell her to call back at a respectable hour and when she is not drunk if she would like to speak with you.