Amazed at how normal and "over it" I feel today.....

[mca1975]

I don't feel emotional today about, I feel angry.

 

Angry at what I have realised and how I had let it become.

 

It was all so subtle. You really can feel someone's neediness and the more I felt it, the more I gave in and didnt do things for myself until I felt I had no life. And what does he do when I explain this to him? He said it's my problem and nothing to do with him because he always said I could go out. Well thanks Master Key Keeper. No I'm sorry that's not how it should be, you don't just turn around and say that when you care about how someone feels, when you love someone. I even asked him a few times to reassure me and make me really believe that, but he didnt.

 

Everything has been about him, even more since we lost the baby. Sure, he was nice for a week or two and supportive, but then it changed back again to being about him and his struggles, because he has so many (NOT). He has a mother that dotes on him to the point where he cannot have his own life, he has a nice car - but he dislikes his job. Well don't we all?

 

He let me choose which DVD we watch and things like that, but my life was turning into looking after him, just as his mum's life has become.

 

He is turning into his mother and that is a scary thought.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it and the funny thing now is that he has totally calmed down on trying to get me back as if he feels "she's on to me", "she knows my game" - its weird!

 

Can you ever really know someone? I suppose not until being with them for about 1.5 years.

 

I guess I will have some days where I miss our closeness, the cuddles, affection and the company, but that is better than feeling so unhappy day by day.

[sophie274]

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up mca.

 

To me, you don't sound "over it". You sound very angry and resentful ... all of which is absolutely normal, but it's important for you to acknowledge (I think) where your head is at, and you're still in that turmoil period of feeling happy one day, sad the next, angry the next, and on and on. Keep trucking, allow yourself to experience that range of emotions, grieve for the relationship, and hopefully you'll start to feel better soon.

 

Are you making plans to move out?

[Batya33]

I kind of agree that it wasn't up to him to reassure you that you could go out and do things independently. If you felt he was being needy in some way, it was your obligation to address that with him but then you had to decide whether you trusted him when he said "totally fine if you go out". I think it's normal for couples to check in with each other about going out without the other if it's at a time when they otherwise would be spending time together. My husband always tells me if he has plans in the evening and won't be home - and sometimes it is to see if it's ok with me - maybe I made plans, maybe I thought he was going to be home to give me a break as far as the baby, whatever. It's all about balance.

Being angry is normal and seeing things differently in hindsight is normal, and missing the good parts, also normal.

 

As far as ever really knowing someone - I would think the relevant question is whether you know someone well enough to take the plunge and commit - it's a leap of faith, every time on both ends. You make the personal decision about what's long enough to get to know someone - for some people, three weeks is enough, for others three years isn't long enough.

 

My sense is at some point you were very focused on having the status of "living together" and very focused on getting pregnant so you chose not to focus enough on whether he was a good match for you.

 

I don't know that more time is the answer as far as getting to know someone - it might be more how you choose to spend that time.

 

Perhaps in your case, also, moving in as soon as you did made you think that you would now "really know" him but maybe for you getting to know someone from a more comfortable place - having your own place, your own space, your independent life as well as your life together - would have made you less anxious and more open to listening, seeing, observing.

 

Sounds counterintuitive - you would think that sharing living quarters would be the ultimate way to get to know someone but in your case I think it actually was an obstacle.

[sophie274]

I think this is a great post - agree completely.

[mca1975]

You are right, I'm not over it. I feel so let down by him, by someone who was supposed to love me so much and promise to treat me right, after my shi**y past. He courted me for so long and always declared true love. I had no idea that he would turn out so selfish and uncaring.

 

I used to be so happy with him and felt really in love, but I started to not like him very much I think. Maybe that made him even more insecure, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't like things about him. His morals were very different to mine and his outlook on people. He is very "damning" and judgemental on people, not to mention a bit mean and I am the exact opposite. In the beginning I thought he was lovely!

 

I always seem to get with people who aren't very nice. They always seem to even be a bit jealous that I am nice and have lots of friends and a really great family, like they want what I've got and to get with me is their way of paving the way for them to be nicer. I hope that doesn't make me sound vain, because I am far from vain! It just really seems like that sometimes. My ex previous to this was the same. Either that or men are getting very insecure these days.

 

I would never cheat on anyone, even if I wasn't happy I wouldn't do it.

 

I am kind of making plans to move out, I am kind of scared to talk about it I think. This does hurt me also the fact this is happening. It was only 7 weeks ago we were having a baby together. I may be going to look at a room/flat share tomorrow evening but I doubt we will both be able to move out of our house until 31 May, because we have to give a months notice to move out by the 31st of each month, and we both need to save money. I think I will have enough by then, but I don't know about him.

 

I do know that as I am experiencing new things since the break up, I am feeling the release of pressure on me, even so much as when I make my dinner, I did it in total peace last night without him standing over me and critisicing and pointing out how I'm making it and how I'm doing it wrong.

[Batya33]

Do you really feel that way - that it is another person's obligation, in a romantic relationship with you, to treat you in a way that compensates for your past situation? Shouldn't it be your obligation to work on and resolve those issues so that you can strive to be an equal, fully present partner?

 

As far as him not being nice, it also might be that when things were tense between you he looked at things more negatively and that was reflected in how he spoke. I find that with my husband and me - a bad vibe from one of us even if the bad mood has nothing to do with the other person, can spread negative energy generally.

[mca1975]

Batya, thanks. I know its normal to check in with each other about doing stuff.

 

Example No. 1: The last time I went out, I went to the cinema with my cousin. My boyfriend sulked and said he couldn't go because he couldn't afford it. I said I couldn't afford to pay for him, so he didn't come with us. Bear in mind that he had just treated himself to something to the cost of £800 when we were struggling, which made me quite angry, but his choice. When I came back from the cinema, he was sulking and saying that he wished he could have seen it, which made me feel guilty. The last time we went to the cinema, I took him and paid.

 

Example No. 2: the time before that was when I decided I was going to go down the pub after work as it was sunny and it was a Friday to meet my sister for a quick drink. I said to him in the morning and if I'm honest he didnt sounds happy about it. When I questioned him, he said that he "didn't give a f*** what I did". Later that day after work, I didn't really want him to come along, as I wanted space, but I felt I had to ask him. He agreed to come down. By the time he got there, he had problems getting his car in the car park and he called me saying he was so angry about it and he was spitting mad. I said not to be silly and just pull up accross the road, no need to use car park. When he came into the pub, he was very moody and put everyone on edge, including me! He then stood there and I said "aren't you having a drink then", and he said he only had £5 which he took out of his pocket and put back in again. So I then got him the drink (happens a lot). I was having a good time, but then he started playing on his phone, like he was bored (embarrassing). Then he started to moan to me about being hungry (because he simply must be fed every two hours or he will disintegrate). I said I didn't want to go just yet, maybe one more, so he got in a mood about it. My cousin then said why don't we come back to his and eat, get a take-away. He asked me what I wanted to do (which is nice), I said yeh let's go round to my cousins. Anyway, once we got in the car, he said that he only had £5 to get something to eat, which I said was fine, but he said it won't be enough so I said I would give him extra. When we got to my cousins, my cousin had to pop somewhere so he was just popping in the house and would then leave us the key. He then decided (my boyf) that he actually didnt want to go round his house (embarrassing) because he was still in his work clothes, so we ended up going home.

 

Another time, we went out for his friends birthday, and when we got there, he said he didnt even have any money and I had to pay! Then when I said something about it, he said I was the tight one!

 

Or maybe the other time when we went out for NYE and he spent all his money and made me use my last £30 (I had only bought out £50) to pay for us to get home. He had bought out £100.

 

Every time we go out there is STRESS and every time he is trying to get out of paying for something.

 

You are right, we moved in together way too soon, before I was ready. I was put under pressure and that is one thing I am easy to feel. Pressure to please other people.

[mca1975]

Do you really feel that way - that it is another person's obligation, in a romantic relationship with you, to treat you in a way that compensates for your past situation? Shouldn't it be your obligation to work on and resolve those issues so that you can strive to be an equal, fully present partner?

 

As far as him not being nice, it also might be that when things were tense between you he looked at things more negatively and that was reflected in how he spoke. I find that with my husband and me - a bad vibe from one of us even if the bad mood has nothing to do with the other person, can spread negative energy generally.

 

Hmmmm, no not at all. I don't feel that I am owed by the world. It wasn't him that hurt me in the past. I just was under the impression that he cared about how I felt, but when that was conveyed to him, he always rubbish'd it and never listened.

 

I don't know why I am defending myself here. Its a bit of a giveaway sign that something always happens when we are out that embarrasses me with his rudeness or he takes advantage of me in some way money-wise. He doesn't even have any friends that invite him out anymore, wonder why.....

 

Look all I want is to be with someone NICE and who is giving, who is sociable and non-judgemental. I don't expect to be PAID FOR. I have never been a girl who is impressed with money or showered with gifts, I just don't want to be taken advantage of! But it would be nice to be taken out by my boyfriend now and then and treated, or am I wrong for wanting that?

[sophie274]

mca, I don't think you should feel like you need to defend yourself, but I think part of the problem a few of us are having on here is understanding what your relationship was like, because there's been such a huge disconnect between how you describe your boyfriend when things are going well and how you describe him when things are going badly. He used to be lovely, and now he sounds like the worst person in the world ... so I think we're just trying to figure out how it actually is, and what your role in the relationship/break-up was, because it always takes two.

 

Anyway, given what you have to say about him now, I think you should try and move out as fast as possible, and possibly even stay at a friend's house so you don't have to fight with him while you two are in the same living space, and so you can get out of the relationship faster.

[mca1975]

This is it Sophie, I have realised, that all of this time I have been thinking it was me and that he was lovely and I was damaged, but I don't think he was lovely now that I have stepped back and taken stock. I think I pretended because for so long to everyone that all was ok, I have been looking at myself as the damaged one, instead of realising that its just that I am with with wrong type of person. I wanted it to work too much.

 

He more or less asked me to stay the other night, so that I could help him become a better person. I told him thats not my responsibility

[mca1975]

PS. He is not all bad. He is not terrible. I actually think that he is just very insecure so is needy and manipulative. I don't even think he knows he is doing it.

 

But there are things about him that I do not like, in a big way. And I have come to learn and see those things over time.