Physical chemistry - Please be there!

[XCountry]

First, before I say anything else, let me say I absolutely have my head on my shoulders in terms of online dating! I never fall quickly, always cynical and cautious, etc. I've chatted with dozens of prospective girls on txt/messenger/phone that I've meet through dating sites, and had face-to-face dates, all of which went great, although I never really felt the chemistry was there.

 

All of this changed a month ago. I met the most amazing girl. It was absolutely shocking how much we had in common, how easy our conversation was, how much we make each other laugh. We have the same lifestyle, the same life goals! I even developed a crush within the first week! This never happens to me!!!

 

She did too! We've discussed so many times how palbaple our chemistry is and how amazing our conversations were! I am NEVER one to rush, but I kept finding myself wanting to talk to her. I simply have never connected with a woman on this level. When there is such an amazing spirit out there, and she wants to talk to you just as badly, jeez... how do you resist? It really is impossible!

 

So, very rapidly we fell into a cycle of constant communication. I mean CONSTANT. We've talked at least 3 hours a day on the phone and txt and chat in the meantime. This has continued every day for the past 3 weeks without exception.

 

Of COURSE I was worried about burning things out, or rushing things. I've been cautious, and I don't push things. I let her set the pace (I'm comfortable with any pace... just want to talk to her!), and definitely no silly premature talk about love, etc.

 

So, the problem. She lives 2000 miles away. We've never met. I just booked a flight for 2 weeks away.

 

We both discussed the pitfalls of online dating as well, so we've carefully covered all of our bases to make sure we are both well-represented! Over the past 3 weeks we've sent each other at least 100 photos from every angle, even bad angles! We've talked on webcam at least 50 hours. We both know exactly what the other looks like, and are both very attracted physically & mentally. Honestly, though, I don't even really care about her physically! I am happy she is a knockout, but her personality is so attractive it really doesn't matter! (to an extent, obviously... but willing to overlook a hell of a lot!)

 

Based on our 100s of hours of brilliant conversation, I am so sure she is exactly what I am looking for. However, I read through some old threads that say there is NO replacement for physical chemistry.

 

I get that. I really do. I completely understand I may meet this girl, and everything might be different face-to-face. Although I can't fathom how that is possible, I accept it has happened before to someone, and it might happen to me And, yes I would be crushed if that happened, but again I am not delusional. I would be bummed in the sense that it didn't work out with someone who was seemingly perfect for me, but I would get over it. It would just suck.

 

So, 3 questions:

 

1) Does anyone have any experience with a similar situation? How did it work out? Yes, I am partially fishing for optimistic stories to give me hope, but I definitely want to hear negative too. Any info is good info.

 

2) Is there anything else I can do to make sure we have physical chemistry before meeting?

 

3) Does anyone have any helpful tips/suggestions for the initial meeting to mitigate the awkwardness and help this thing succeed?

 

Thanks so much for advice, and wish me luck!

[aloevera]

When I read this post it completely related to me and my boyfriend!

I met my boyfriend through my friend and we started to chat online, at the time it was just friendly conversation. One day he came to my school and I got to meet him in person, although I had seen photos (which weren't flattering), seeing him in real life, I was completely attracted to him in every way. Since I wasn't allowed out much, I chatted to him online, and we were exactly the same in everyway! we talked on the phone for ages, and two and a half years later, we havn't "burned" anything out. Seeing her in real life will work out good! I mean, if you find her attractive and love her personality I supposed it can only get better when you see her in life!

So yeh, I hope that gives you a positive perspective!

 

And also please NEVER EVER listen to the saying "opposites attract". Completely not true.

 

And as for the initial meeting, don't feel nervous because you may scare yourself into "not connecting" as the mind is a powerful thing. Do not dwell on your fears! All you need to think about is the excitement and don't worry about feeling 'chemistry'. Just be yourself, as she obviously adores who you are

 

Good luck, and I wish you all the very best

[Shortpants]

Firstly, welcome to ENA!

 

Yes, I met my husband online, not by the usual avenues, but in a MMORPG. He lived 1500 miles away. We met online in 2005 and had a really great chemistry together, we immediately started hanging out in-game together and really found we had a ton in common and could converse really easily. I flew to meet him for the first time in 2006. At that point we had only shared photos, never had webcamed or anything, so it was really the first time seeing each other in "real life". We hit it off from the get go. It was a little awkward at first, but the week went amazingly well and we were smitten with each other. Later in 2006, after many trips back and forth to visit each other, he decided to move to my state so we could be together. We were married in 2007, and had our daughter in 2008. So yes, love can happen on the internet!! LOL So to answer your first question, yes, I found love on the internet, and it has worked out quite well!!

Second question... I don't think there is anything you can do to make sure you have physical chemistry. It is or it isn't, period. It seems like all the parts are there from your description of your relationship thus far, but until you meet face to face, you really won't know. To me, physical chemistry can only be guaged once you meet "in real life" without technology between you.

Third question... Not really any tips or hints to get around the awkwardness other than be yourself and be willing to poke fun at your situation to break the ice. My poor hubby had to stop at the hotel bar before coming to my room to meet me and have a couple drinks to get a little liquid courage to make the first step and knock on that door. hehe Once he got there, he was shaking like a leaf, petrified I was going to just kick him right back out, or worse yet, not even be there! Once he got there, I made the first move and asked if I could just give him a hug, since I had been waiting soooooo long to do so. We had lots of nervous giggling, but within minutes, we were chatting like we'd been together for ages. We did have all the time "online" to fall back on, and all the things we already knew about each other, so it wasn't really as awkward as we expected it to be.

The best advise I can give is to just go and play it by ear. Make sure you are not forcing something just because all the time together online has been blissful, that doesn't necessarily mean you two will click in person. Living day to day with someone and dealing with snoring, annoying little habits, etc, is a whole lot different that chatting with someone on webcam. People all too often get wrapped up in the "fantasy" of their online mate, and when it comes down to meeting for the first time, they are let down for one reason or another.

Good luck on your trip and I hope everything goes well for you both!!

[ibu]

I'll be rooting for you!!

 

Hopefully at the end of the year I'll get to meet my on-line man. We started communicating 13 months ago but we were both not looking for anything romantic. We bonded over a common musical interest initially. But soon the sporadic mails turned into daily mails with some pictures and videos and about four months ago I woke up one day and found that I was really crazy about this man and there was more going on than us just being penpals. And turns out...he felt the same! We exchange videos of ourselves in many kinds of situations or talk about our daily life and now we just moved into the phone stage. People might think it's kinda late but it's not easy...since he lives 5000 miles away, he's from a totally different culture (I'm European, he's Asian) and there's a slight language barrier (we are both not native in English - though his English is way better than he thinks it is). We both want to meet so badly, but my professional situation is keeping me from doing just that at the moment...but like I said, hopefully I'll get to go to his country (always wanted to visit it anyway....) at the end of the year to meet him. I studied an Asian language, and even lived in Asia for one year on a scholarship...just...not his country and not his language (damn!). And I guess then we'll see how it goes...

 

Anyway, good luck! Only two more weeks to go. If you like her personality, and you like all her pictures and her webcam chats, and she does yours, I'm sure there will be chemistry!

Keep us updated on how the first meeting goes...I'm kind of desperate for success stories as well, haha.

[XCountry]

Quick update.

 

Been another week and a half since the original post. Conversation/webcam still as strong as ever.

 

2 days away from my flight. It is just now hitting me how nervous I am. Unbelievable! I've been on several dates from these dating sites and wasn't really that nervous before, but I'm dying now! I've got 2 days to get myself under control and get confident!!

 

Thanks for the feedback so far, and I will definitely update with whatever happens.

[Batya33]

I think the best thing to do is, for purposes of meeting in person to see if you should date, have the mindset that you are meeting a complete stranger for coffee -- because if you work yourself up as you are doing, pure nerves could interfere with chemistry (even if you have chemistry, I mean).

 

I only typed/talked with a person on line before meeting at length a few times (the other times, I would exchange one or two emails, talk once or twice by phone, then meet ASAP - I met about 100 men in person).

 

I don't think webcam is the point here - or even physical chemistry on its own - you can't know how you will react/interact with each other's vibes/energy/physical presence, the way you treat other people in public and react to them - hundreds of little things that are not so little when it comes to dating (if you were just meeting as friends, much of this wouldn't matter). I also don't think the amount you talk each day is relevant - other than it might raise unrealistic expectations about how well you know each other for dating purposes (for friend purposes, it might be quite relevant)

 

I've had great chemistry while typing and talking and none in person - and I was never really surprised that this could happen.

 

What plans do you have if you do click in person as far as seeing each other in person?

 

I also would be careful not to discount physical chemistry or feel that that is the "shallow" part of dating or that you're superior because you've gotten to know each other through typing and talking without "the physical getting in the way" - I think it's a whole package of chemistry, plus friendship - all intertwined, not really separate parts and I think it works best if you get to know someone in person so that it's not seen as these separate aspects or that the physical chemistry is somehow less important or "shallow". Or, worse, that there's something wrong with placing importance on pyhsical chemistry. Just my humble opnion.

[XCountry]

Thanks for your feedback, which the logical part of my brain feels is right on the money. Yeah, it's tempting to say "we are meeting on the purest level.... minds only" etc, but you are right.... I can't discount physical as the shallow/meaningless part of a relationship b/c it's much more than that. There are so many thousands of variables which come into play person-to-person which make or break a relationship, and bottom-line, we have no idea how that will play out, and won't until Saturday.

 

Anyway, I'm definitely kicking myself a bit for allowing myself to get soooo wrapped up in someone and allow this to go on so long without meeting them. I know better than this, and could be in for massive disappointment. Oh well, such is life! No matter what, I'll be ok in the end, and I know there are other women out there for me. But damn!.... this one is really really close to perfect 4 me!

[XCountry]

What plans do you have if you do click in person as far as seeing each other in person?

 

LOL! Not a lot actually. Really, we are focused on the meeting. I'm in town for 4 days, and really only plan to hang with her. Just going to do a lot of very normal stuff.... dinner, hanging out, movies, hiking, etc. So, if this goes badly I'm in for 3 1/2 very awkward days.

 

After that, we have tentative plans for her to visit me in June.

[Fudgie]

I'm sure things will be fine!! As long as both people have been honest and upfront about themselves and what they want in someone, it's highly likely that the physical chemistry will be there.

[Batya33]

I'm sure things will be fine!! As long as both people have been honest and upfront about themselves and what they want in someone, it's highly likely that the physical chemistry will be there.

 

For me there was often no connection between clicking through typing and talking and clicking in person as far as physical chemistry -most often nothing whatsoever to do with looks or with lying. Honesty and being up front are essential -- and of course if someone lies about his or her appearance, age, or something significant, it can harm chemistry or result in no chemistry. but I think it's unrealistic to expect that typing and talking in an open, up front, honest way will increase the likelihood of physical chemistry. In fact, as I wrote above, developing a mindset or expectations that there will be chemistry with someone you've never met in person can sabotage chemistry by creating higher anxiety and unrealistic expectations.

[sidehop]

Sounds like you two will be fine, I wouldn't worry so much, if you two were just texting or had minimal contact I'd worry but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

 

Good luck

[Batya33]

Yes, I always find it sad when people describe as "pure" interactions that don't involve the issue of physical chemistry, attraction, etc. - as if those concerns are somehow impure or shallow. I wish people wouldn't think of that as "that physical stuff got in the way". On the other hand, I totally agree that having sex too soon can hamper a developing friendship and romantic relationship between two people, but that's a separate issue from physical chemistry.

 

Look, I like your attitude - enjoy the journey, enjoy the feelings, and you'll see if those feelings have a basis in forming an in-person romantic relationship, or not.

[XCountry]

Thanks again to all. Have a 5 AM flight tomorrow, so 24 hours from now things will be clearer. I'll be offline for a few days. Hoping for the best! I'll definitely update next week.

[ibu]

Good luck!!!

[XCountry]

Physical chemistry TOTALLY there. My phone/webcam relationship with this woman was the best I'd ever had with any woman.... but the amazing thing is it was even BETTER in person! Completely comfortable.... spent five days laughing hysterically, kissing, passion, etc (wink wink), great conversations, all the fun stuff. So, yes... definitely enough to build on. Looks like I'm making my way over to the long distance relationship forum from now on.

[sidehop]

That's great to hear

[Batya33]

Physical chemistry TOTALLY there. My phone/webcam relationship with this woman was the best I'd ever had with any woman.... but the amazing thing is it was even BETTER in person! Completely comfortable.... spent five days laughing hysterically, kissing, passion, etc (wink wink), great conversations, all the fun stuff. So, yes... definitely enough to build on. Looks like I'm making my way over to the long distance relationship forum from now on.

 

Yay that's great! When are you going to see each other again?

[ibu]

Fantastic! I'm so happy it worked out for you!!!

 

By the way, how was it when you first saw her? Did she pick you up at the airport? Were you nervous? How did it go?

[XCountry]

Fantastic! I'm so happy it worked out for you!!!

 

By the way, how was it when you first saw her? Did she pick you up at the airport? Were you nervous? How did it go?

 

Yep. She picked me up at the airport. She arrived about 30 mins after I landed due to a previously scheduled engagement that I already knew about when I booked the flight. That was cool b/c it gave me time to pop into the airport bar and down a few double rum and diets, then into the bathroom to wash my face n brush my teeth!!!! At this point, I was pretty calm.... much better than the previous 24 hours where I was a nervous wreck.

 

Got my bag and waited by the front door of the airport. She called and said she had just parked and was walking over to the main building. Of course, my pulse quickend at this point! Suddenly, I saw her. I knew instantly there would be NO problem making the connection on my end. Absolutely adorable! I don't know how I knew, but I did. She couldn't see me, as I was inside the building looking through the window, and she was outside in the sun.

 

So, at this point, I took a deep breath, summoned all of the courage I could muster, and walked to the front door as she was walking in. We instantly locked eyes and were hugging a 1/10th of a second later. We must have run. This is one of those massive hugs where you don't give a sh*t about anyone else in the world. We were probably knocking over old ladies, etc. I remember at one point we slammed against the airport wall! Then, we looked at each other, I saw the soul-shattering smile I had seen on webcam for 4 weeks, and we kissed!

 

We spent every minute of the next 4 1/2 days together. Not a moment of boredom, or awkwardness, or anything like that. I guess you can tell I am pretty nuts about this girl, and she is nuts about me. It's very promising!

 

Some interesting observations for anyone else going through similar. First, despite our due diligence with the webcam/photos/etc, she did not look 100% like I thought. It is just impossible to completely capture somebody in 3 dimensions. I guess that's why whenever you see famous people in real life, they always look different. She did look 90% like I thought, and the remainder was filled in by the fact that she was a real, tangible person. I could see tiny facial scars, and a few gray hairs, etc. To me, it made her 1000% more real and 1000% better!

 

Second, I absolutely HAVE to stand by my initial belief that what we had was in every way special and out of the ordinary in terms of an initial connection. I have had enough relationships to know that. I know this may not necessarily mean much for long term success, but we do both see the value of finding someone SO perfectly matched, that it makes you want to try a little harder to work through those inevitable potholes. I think it's tempting when you have an online relationship to not have 100% of the picture so you can fill in the remainder with your dream scenario. We worked very hard to keep this from happening. We depicted ourselves accurately physically. We also were 100% accurate, open, and honest about our personal lives.... even to the point of embarrassment (which we both found hysterically funny BTW). So, there were no suprises, and we were both as real as we could possibly be online.

 

She is coming to visit me first week of June. Then we have tentative plans for a longer term visit (me to her again) later in the summer. It is very exciting, and although the distance is a total bummer, it seems very small when you really find somebody special. Thanks to all for your great advice.

[truegrit]

What a great story! Met my husband almost identical with the enchantment online, phone etc. Very intense for 6 weeks. Same way when we met in person and we have been married for 5 1/2 years now and very happy.

Good luck and thanks for sharing a sweet love story.........

[ibu]

Dying here!! What a great story! Thank you for sharing.

[sidehop]

We depicted ourselves accurately physically. We also were 100% accurate, open, and honest about our personal lives.... even to the point of embarrassment (which we both found hysterically funny BTW). So, there were no suprises, and we were both as real as we could possibly be online.

 

More people should be this way especially online! Keep us updated