Why and How do people keep something "in reserve"? - Feel blindsided..

[mgirl]

Hi fellow enotaloners,

 

This topic is basically about those who leave something of themselves in "reserve", who, in other words, do not give of themselves 100% and who constantly seem to have their options open or an escape route worked out.

 

What i mean by "reserve" is that they seem to have something in reserve, such as a resource. That resource may be emotional, financial, or whatever. They never really seem to come out second best and generally have something you didn't know about (a strength, support system, friends etc), which makes it slightly easier to move on.

 

The reason i say this is because, i wonder how deeply they really do commit themselves? I also say this because i tend to put my heart on my sleeve and give of myself, so often feel vulnerable. I also find it hard to understand that some people withhold a certain part of themselves, a resource, or ability, so they have something to fall back on. It's not fair, but my hopes in this post is to understand it a bit more. From both a protagonist's (a person who does it) and a victim's point of view.

 

How and why do people keep something in reserve? In other words, how and why do some people keep a part of themselves in reserve so that they have resources to move on when necessary? Actions like these usually blindsides you.

 

Tell me pray - tell?!

[Hermes]

Hello Mgirl:

 

It is not that such people do not commit themselves, but rather that they have good, healthy boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means that you do not hand yourself over, either figuratively or in fact, lock stock and barrel to someone else.

 

This from an online article on thesubject:

 

 

People pleasers say "yes" when they mean "no", and don't have a sense of healthy boundaries. That is, they don't know how to set or defend their boundaries in work or personal relationships...and this "disease to please" can lead to unpleasant problems in life.

 

 

Why Healthy Boundaries Are Important

Healthy boundaries let you choose who you allow into your space and how they treat you. Healthy boundaries help you figure out who you are – an individual separate from everyone else – and what treatment you’ll accept from other people.

 

Healthy boundaries are important because they give you a clear sense of who you are. You know which emotions, thoughts, opinions, and feelings are yours when you have healthy boundaries. You can differentiate between your own and someone else’s feelings and opinions when you have a clear sense of yourself.

 

 

Setting boundaries involves fixing collapsed or unhealthy boundaries. To stop being a people pleaser, be honest with yourself. Figure out what you really, truly think and feel. Before you can express your true thoughts to others, you need to admit them to yourself. Figure out the difference between wanting love because you’re insecure and lonely, or wanting love because it’s a healthy expression of maturity and self

 

Having healthy boundaries is indeed a "strength", and a good tool for life.

 

Take care

Hermes

[Hermes]

Just to add the name of a book you might like:

 

Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries ~ Anne Katherine MA

 

Description:

 

"Boundaries bring order to our lives, strengthen our relationships with others and ourselves, and are essential to our mental and physical health. For those of us who have walked away from a conversation, meeting, or visit feeling violated and not understanding why, this book helps us recognize and set healthy boundaries. Real-life stories illustrate the ill effects of not setting limits and the benefits gained by respecting our own boundaries and those of others. "

[Xylitol]

Its a form of self protection, you said it yourself by giving yourself completely out you become vulnerable and in other words can be hurt more easily. These people have a defense build up because they've been hurt in the past. This is why they don't give out everything about themselves.

[Hermes]

Not necessarily hurt in the past, Xylitol. Psychologically healthy people tend to have healthy boundaries.

Having healthy boundaries and being on teh defense are not the same thing.

 

All the best

Hermes

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You really are talking about very different things here. Having a support network or having interests, a career, friends to fall back on is NOT the same as . One can be 100% invested in a relationship, wearing their heart on their sleeve and still propel themselves forward following a breakup because they also had other things in their life they focused on besides a relationship. In other words, the relationship complemented their life as opposed to having it BE their life. So they can be 100% into the relationship and have both feet in, but when the relationship ends, they have enough things to focus on so that they can get on with their life. That doesn't mean they have successfully moved on from the pain of a breakup, it just means that they won't let the breakup run their life and ruin their life.

[quirky]

There is two sides to this. One is the healthy boundaries mentioned by Hermes and one is fear. I found 100% commitment difficult in the past and I've only done it once. I had a feeling I wouldn't be with the person forever so I never gave my all. I also couldn't trust myself deep down on how I'd handle things if I gave my 100%.

 

Now I wouldn't have something "in reserve", a hidden support system if you like..but I will definitely keep an eye on not losing myself in a relationship again. Having friends, hobbies and such is not something "in reserve" but anyone that would withhold a certain part of themselves, a resource, or ability, so they have something to fall back on. to me that is fear. Which is human.

[hexaemeron]

I agree with CAD. Total disclosure is great for aggressive investigators and detectives. Not really such an appealing thing for a relationship.

[mgirl]

Thanks Hermes,

Its a form of self protection, you said it yourself by giving yourself completely out you become vulnerable and in other words can be hurt more easily. These people have a defense build up because they've been hurt in the past. This is why they don't give out everything about themselves.

, and Crazyaboutdogs.

 

I have quoted Xylitol, because it's the easiest post to quote for my purposes.

 

Crazyaboutdog's post falls into a slightly different category because it's about having options, rather than the sometimes conceited and thought-out action of withholding a part of yourself etc. to maintain "power" in the relationship. I've got to say, the most fulfilling relationship to me would be one where power was forsaken and we were both free to love unconditionally. But, is that really possible?

 

My thoughts are this, and perhaps you kind people of enotalone can help me

 

-I KNOW all the things that Hermes and Xyl talk about, and that you need to set boundaries.

 

But, for some reason, i can't help it when my mouth runs riot, and i end up sounding like a push-over. The funny thing is, i know what exactly is going on, and how the other person is viewing me. I can pick it up in their voice. But, it's like my anxieties (the way i run my mouth off) get the better of me and i usually end up sounding like a servant.

 

It's like, sometimes i don't know how to get respect from my words alone, as i believe that actions speak louder than words. But, does the rest of the world appreciate that? I feel that people judge too harshly from words alone and make judgements, and treat you in a negative way accordingly

 

Maybe i should be short and curt with my words, and then i'd get more respect. It seems that the less you give, the more you are respected and the more likely you are to get what you want

 

Maybe there is this inbuilt thing that if you don't respect yourself, either does the world.

[quirky]

^^^^I feel similar sometimes. I've realised that the polluted people see kindness, concern and respect as weakness..as if you're naive. Yet you know you have a massive strength in you. They can't put the two together so they have chosen to go the other way, the "safe" way. I think there can still be compassion, ethics and romance from a position of strength. But some people assume that if you still believe in those values and practice them then you are deluded or weak even. I personally think they have no idea what they're missing out on, their world to me seems tainted. Don't change, be genuine..the right people will love it. Others simply don't get it.

[hexaemeron]

Well, maybe it's just me, but OP, do you not have a savings account? Do you not have insurance? I personally don't see anything wrong with "keeping something in reserve" as you say, because it's just plain prudent, as unromantic as that is.

 

I'd rather be pragmatic and a little stiff than romantic and left with nothing. But, again, maybe it's just me.

[Belgian girl]

I think it also might be b/c life is just not fair. I mean, I can mention all kind of examples to this. I mean if someone gave me food andsomeone else who has left over would ask Can you use this ? If I 'd explain: THAT person just gave me some food b/c he/she thinks I worked hard so I deserve something extra.

Knowing the person who offers the left over food, it will probably get thrown away and he/she has a reasoning like Oh, if I will stop offering from now on there will be the other to support her and I think that guy/girl has way more money than I have so I 'm glad I found out.

 

But I would probably decide not to tell. I mean, it brings disadvantage to both in the end. The one who had left over will finally support alone b/c the one who gave it from that moment will probably get fed up by getting claimed since that moment so would decide to stop doing it at all b/c will see it as the main reason I 'd contact him/her for.

[mgirl]

Its a form of self protection, you said it yourself by giving yourself completely out you become vulnerable and in other words can be hurt more easily. These people have a defense build up because they've been hurt in the past. This is why they don't give out everything about themselves.

 

But, that's game-playing and that's what i'm alluding to in a way. It's either a conscious or sub-conscious thing.

 

For example, i was recently involved with somebody who is a classic "nice person" and albeit, does have a lot to give. But, ALWAYS kept something in reserve, to the extent of their negative opinion of me - criticizing me when it came to the crunch.

 

My question is, why didn't this person tell me their deepest truth (their real opinion of me), when we were dating? Seeing as they suggested on numerous occasions that they were there for my greater well-being (the information was supposedly for my own good).

 

??

 

That's what gets me. If they have some information, no matter how painful, that they know will AID you, why not tell you?

 

I don't like people who have a trump card they pull out at the last hour. I don't trust them. If a relationship is about growth and development, then they should tell you.

[hexaemeron]

But, that's game-playing and that's what i'm alluding to in a way. It's either a conscious or sub-conscious thing.

 

 

I don't like people who have a trump card they pull out at the last hour. I don't trust them. If a relationship is about growth and development, then they should tell you.

 

Hmm.

 

"Hey honey, yes, it's so good too see you. Yes, hey, I just wanted to say, I think you're really oversensitive about... well, everything and you're really very spoiled and immature when things don't go your way. I love you so much and I just wanted you to know that so you can improve yourself. So! Where should we have dinner tonight?"

 

I don't think that's realistic at all.

[mgirl]

Well, maybe it's just me, but OP, do you not have a savings account? Do you not have insurance? I personally don't see anything wrong with "keeping something in reserve" as you say, because it's just plain prudent, as unromantic as that is.

 

I'd rather be pragmatic and a little stiff than romantic and left with nothing. But, again, maybe it's just me.

 

Oh yeah honey, i have a lot in reserve in that sense. Not to say that somebody couldn't come along and take me for a ride, cos it's possible. Not likely, but possible, unfortunately.

 

What i am really talking about is emotional and psychological reserve. Sorry if i confused you I'm a little confused myself!

[mgirl]

Hmm.

 

"Hey honey, yes, it's so good too see you. Yes, hey, I just wanted to say, I think you're really oversensitive about... well, everything and you're really very spoiled and immature when things don't go your way. I love you so much and I just wanted you to know that so you can improve yourself. So! Where should we have dinner tonight?"

 

I don't think that's realistic at all.

 

No, but they can tell you in another way, like "there's been something i've been meaning to talk to you about. XXX". You don't need to weave it into the romantic fabric, in the right context, i think you can bring it up. I am very pragmatic like that! (but i guess you wouldn't know that, difficult to convey that over internet).

 

But, given that i am an honest person, i would naturally assume that people would pick up on that and be honest in return, but maybe i am wrong. In fact, i would go one step further, I think that some people actually sense that and take advantage of it, whether it be in a conscious or sub-conscious way. We are 'animals' afterall

[mgirl]

Belgian Girl,

 

I see your point. It's all about fairness and integrity, but life's not fair (also another one of your points).

 

I guess i wish life was fair and that you receive in equal portions and effort what you give out. Not that i'm expecting much, just a little respect. Maybe that's my problem, i don't expect enough

[Hermes]

Nothing wrong with kindness, concern and respect. And of course there can be compassion and ethics from a position of ...boundaries.

That is what it is about.

Boundaries.

 

So, Mgirl, you say:

 

But, it's like my anxieties (the way i run my mouth off) get the better of me and i usually end up sounding like a servant.

 

I think, IMO, that what is going on here is more a question of anxieties, and perhaps that is what needs to be addressed first. Maybe it is like a kind of panic where a) your thoughts run away with you, and b) your "mouth" follows suit (L).

And I think you are very right about respecting yourself.

 

Being "short and curt" is not the answer.

 

I think that, while we on here can help with advice and suggestions, it would be hugely helpful to you to seek some guidance there in "real world". Maybe a counsellor, maybe some kind or support group, to help you in re-training your thinking.

 

It seems that for some reason you think you are "not good enough". Maybe there are FOO reasons for this (FOO means family of origin). Maybe you were not given "voice" when you were a child/young adult. I notice that you are now 40.

 

We are not supposed to lose ourselves in a relationship, and unfortunately the term "unconditional love" can be construed as that. A relationship/marriage is one of inter-dependence, not co-dependence.

 

All the best

Hermes

[Crazyaboutdogs]

^^^^I feel similar sometimes. I've realised that the polluted people see kindness, concern and respect as weakness..as if you're naive. Yet you know you have a massive strength in you. They can't put the two together so they have chosen to go the other way, the "safe" way. I think there can still be compassion, ethics and romance from a position of strength. But some people assume that if you still believe in those values and practice them then you are deluded or weak even. I personally think they have no idea what they're missing out on, their world to me seems tainted. Don't change, be genuine..the right people will love it. Others simply don't get it.

 

I totally agree with you. Also this happens not only in romantic relationships but with "friends" and co-workers as well. There are a certain subset of people, the selfish, self-involved ones, the backstabbers of the world, who view kind, considerate, empathic people as pathetic and weak so they walk all over them...and the problem is these bullies seem to have followers who do their bidding and support them. So the kind person not only gets trampled on by the bully but also by the bully's "henchmen/henchwomen". The interesting thing is that the bully will backstab his/her follwers as well and has nothing but contempt for them!

[mgirl]

^^^^I feel similar sometimes. I've realised that the polluted people see kindness, concern and respect as weakness..as if you're naive. Yet you know you have a massive strength in you. They can't put the two together so they have chosen to go the other way, the "safe" way. I think there can still be compassion, ethics and romance from a position of strength. But some people assume that if you still believe in those values and practice them then you are deluded or weak even. I personally think they have no idea what they're missing out on, their world to me seems tainted. Don't change, be genuine..the right people will love it. Others simply don't get it.

 

Quirky, you have kind of gotten my point. The point is, it's sad that people do see kindness, compassion and a willingness to help (translated as generosity) as a weakness, and i think that is sad.

 

And, i also think that it is an instinct in them that activates the 'destroy' mechanism, a kind of a license to do what they want and walk all over you, without perceived consequence. It's like there's an instinct that says "you won't get hurt if you treat ABC like this"... Well, you know what? False. There is a consequence. I (you and others like us) will withdraw, and you will no longer get our lifeline, but how do you tell them of this? How do you warn them? They expect so much, yet take people for granted.

 

I feel there is no other way than to withdraw when the abuse gets too much.

[Hermes]

Mgirl:

 

Try not to complicate the thinking too much.

 

That's what gets me. If they have some information, no matter how painful, that they know will AID you, why not tell you?

 

Because, Mgirl, the "other" (i.e. the "other" in a relationship) is not, nor should he be, your therapist.

This brings us right back to the good old boundaries. Where the boundaries are good, you know who you are and do not need to be told by the "other".

 

This is why I think, and I hope you will not take it amiss, that teasing out these difficulties you have would be best with a good therapist.

 

All the best

Hermes

[mgirl]

I totally agree with you. Also this happens not only in romantic relationships but with "friends" and co-workers as well. There are a certain subset of people, the selfish, self-involved ones, the backstabbers of the world, who view kind, considerate, empathic people as pathetic and weak so they walk all over them...and the problem is these bullies seem to have followers who do their bidding and support them. So the kind person not only gets trampled on by the bully but also by the bully's "henchmen/henchwomen". The interesting thing is that the bully will backstab his/her follwers as well and has nothing but contempt for them!

 

Ah, yes, good point Crazy.

 

In your experience, have you found that the bullies have contempt for their followers? I would find this very interesting.

[Hermes]

The point is, it's sad that people do see kindness, compassion and a willingness to help (translated as generosity) as a weakness, and i think that is sad.

 

No, Mgirl, people certainly do not. That is an erroneous generalization. There may be SOME who do exploit others kindness, and therefore you need to look at the type of people with whom you fraternize/relate.

 

In real life I often help people (different thing to being a "people pleaser"), I do kindnesses when I can, I was brought up to be kind and compassionate, and I have to say I have never been exploited because of that. Why? It comes back to the boundaries.

 

 

All the best

Hermes

[Hermes]

The important thing , regarding the "polluted" ones, is to get your antenna into good shape and keep such individuals beyond your boundaries.

Basically, it is about oneself.

 

Hermes

[Hermes]

In other words, how and why do some people keep a part of themselves in reserve so that they have resources to move on when necessary?

 

Mgirl:

 

I refer to your first post. Having good boundaries does not mean a person is a bully.

 

Hermes