EMERGENCY! Please, Please stop me from doing it!...I'm serious!

[fuddiduddy]

I'm about to have a seriously embarrassing setback as I'm truly losing it. I honestly need your help folks...

 

We broke up 5 wks ago. I've been doing relatively well with the NC thing and maintaining my kool without the begging and pleading. I've also unfriended him from Facebook Saturday to save my sanity. So far, so good.

 

But foolishly, I still did some digging on Facebook out of painful and DUMB curiosity. I searched for one of his good friend's profiles, who I don't know and is not even on my friend list, to view that friend's public Wall (the rest of the profile is private). Like a crazy stalker needing to be institutionalized, I just had to get clues as to what my guy is up to by seeing what, if anything, he's been posting on that friend's Wall. Turns out, my guy and a couple of his friends--one male, one female--were IN TOWN Saturday at a party and hanging out and it utterly sent me into a tailspin because he didn't even text to say "hi" or anything. (Yes, CRAZY AND IMMATURE OF ME--I know). This, despite his offer for us to be "friends" and me accepting (even though I never actually had any intention on becoming friendzoned. NC for me baby). I seriously started bawlin' like an injured baby for about an hour and a half over this. Thus, I am soooooo very tempted to send him this text today

 

Wow. U couldn't even txt me a simple hello while you were in town this weekend. Some "friend." Whatever.

 

I'm tempted to do this because 1) it'll take him forever to figure out how I discovered his being in town, thereby forcing him to waste time wracking his brain over my knowing, and 2) really to let him know how much of a jerk I know he is by not acting the supposed "friend" he sooo claimed he wanted to be (i.e., exposing the fact that he's full of schitt). Again, crazy.

 

The text is in my drafts folder, ready to be sent at a touch of a button. BUT OH GOD, FOLKS PLEASE.... SOMEONE PLEASE TALK ME OUT OF SENDING THIS.

 

I'm hurting badly. My emotions and psyche are all over the place. I have pain, resentment, disdain and love for this man AND I confess to you guys that, yes, I'm ultimately hoping for reconciliation by NC--Yes, I'm aware that NC is not supposed to be used this way. But still.....

 

Please, please, please talk to me folks.

[vonsalome]

Hey, I understand your pain, I really do. I facebook stalk my ex too, and unfortunately, this only tends to have the effect of reopening the wound of the breakup.

 

But I know if you send that text that it will only have the opposite effect you intend it to have. It's only going to make him see you as needy, insecure, and crazy when you want him to see you as independent, strong, and capable. It will only push him away further.

 

If you really want him back, the best thing you can do is to *breathe* right now, and not send that text. I don't know the specifics of your relationship, but people do get back with their exes. But they DON'T generally get back with people who are acting like they are hung up about the breakup and not moving on and obsessive.

 

You should maintain no contact until you can talk to him in a cool, rational manner. No Contact is to heal, not to punish him or convince him of what he's missing, though you're right it sometimes does have that effect.

 

Chances are, he thought about you a lot when he was in town, but because of your breakup he was unwilling to contact you because he didn't want to open up the wound.

 

Sometimes we actually cause what we deeply fear (pushing the other person away) by acting out of insecure or irrational behavior. I've been guilty of this myself, way too many times. You have to act from a place of security and confidence, no out of fear our neediness, if you at least want to have him in your life as a friend again. Right now, the childlike, needy, emotional core of you is triggered. Not the sane, adult, rational you. Keep that in mind.

[furiouspsych]

You're hurting badly, that's all it is. He may or may not have been thinking of u as much...but i wish u wouldn't waste time like this. I searched my ex's profile this weekend too, fortunately there wasn't anything "incriminating" although she's free to do whatever she wants.

 

I honestly wouldn't contact an ex if she was back in town and didn't contact me. That's all I'd need to know, no matter how it hurts. I need to know I'm wanted...

[yonanz]

dont do it. dont do it ok girl? dont do it. whenver u feel down or u feel like u need to send that goddarm piece of email come here and rant! we are all here to listen!

 

you gotta tell yourself a couple of things. firstly, he's not in your life. he's not your bf already. he has no obligation to inform you even if hes in town, and u have no need to find out about him since what he is doing now is irrelevant already. u cant control what hes doing, and seeing him having fun only makes u more miserable. so why do it? the focus should be on yourself now. go out and live the life man! work on yourself and have fun with your friends! that is the best way forward, not sobbing at home or wondering what he is doing.

 

the part about being friends? dont even venture into that area. seriously. its for your good not to be friends because what u need now is plenty of space between both of you. you cannot properly heal or move forward if there is this lingering presence of a 'friend'. u need to get him out of sight, out of sound in order to shift the focus back to your own life and start getting out there again. cheers and sstay strong girl!!!

 

BIG ENA HUGS FROM ALL OF US HERE

[Reilly2856]

As much as people say they want to be "friends" after a break-up, it never works out. Honestly, its just an easy way for your ex to relieve his conscience by suggesting the oh so popular...'let's stay friends'. Personally, I think it is very hard to stay friends with an ex, especially if you're not over him. As the previous posters have already said, having him around will only keep that 'hope' live inside of you that maybe he will start thinking of you as more than a friend again. From his perspective, having you as a friend will allow him to come back to you time after time for that ego boost that he is still desired, all the while, leaving you with nothing. So, honestly, it is in your best interest to count your lucky stars that this 'friend' thing isn't working out so well right now.

 

In the future, maybe you can be friends (it is possible). But you need to get over him first. Best you can do now is to maintain NC and heal. Get back to a strong emotional state. This time is all about you...don't let what he is presently doing take you away from what is important...YOU.

[eggplant47]

I know it hurts but since you decided NC was the best way to go, try to think of it as him respecting your wishes instead of ignoring you.

 

But either way, please do not send that text!! Right now, since you're the one who initiated NC, you have the upper hand. Do not sacrifice any of your dignity by texting him. Remember- the best revenge is living well!

[arwen]

I think that not contacting him in any way, sends a much stronger message than sending him a text. Not contacting him sends the message that you're ok without him (which is what you want him to think I suppose, even if it's not true). Sending him this particular text will mean the opposite. In fact, he will likely figure out that you're checking him up via facebook, do you want him to know that?

 

Honestly, for your own sake I'd try not to 'spy' on him on facebook. Knowing what he is doing is putting thoughts and images in your mind, and that will really keep you from healing and moving on.

[fuddiduddy]

Whew! I breathed. And I breathed again. And sorry if my title seemed a tad dramatic and over-the-top. Part of my temporary insanity I guess.

 

Thanks a ton guys! Your replies DEFINITELY helped me a lot and i feel I've been saved from a world of embarassment and regret.

 

Just for clarification, I never had any real intentions on actually being "friends" with him at this time. I sort of disingenuously agreed to it while all along, in my mind, knowing that I'll be doing NC instead. I think I became angry at HIM for duping me on that fake "friendship" thing (and everything else) when, by default, I assumed it was gonna be me having the luxury of "changing my mind" about it first (due to MY going NC).

 

I swear I thought he was sincere about it due to stressful events going on in his life, which according to him, necessitated the breakup in the first place. I really wanted an opportunity to call him out on his bull schitt with that text, but I won't, thanks to my friends here on ENA.

 

NC resumes, I'm working on ME and my well-being, and I feel like an adult again.

[arwen]

good for you!!!