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Ouch. How can such tiny comments feel like huge stabs in your throat.


youcancallmeJ

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I've been with the guy I'm seeing for awhile now, and I'm starting to get very attached. For the most part I'm an easygoing sarcastic person, but today my boyfriend made a comment... actually two comments that just cut to the bone and are making me question everything.

 

First, we were talking about our jobs tonight, both in grumpy moods, and I proceeded to joke around with him, maybe a little harshly and say, "you are too serious -- a workaholic, you need to relax a little," I meant it playfully, while maybe trying to drop the hint that he should stop talking about work and have a good night with me. He on the other hand, comes back with this vicious comment about how I'm a "slacker" that goofs off all the time on the job. These were not his words verbatim, but it was something along those lines. It may not read as a hurtful comment, but it almost took my breath away. It was so left field because I work very hard and he knows this, but also, this is probably the first derogatory thing he's said to me in the 5 months we have been dating. I know most of you are thinking he was kidding, but he wasn't. By now I know him well enough to determine weather or not a comment is lighthearted, and this comment was meant to get my attention. Also, judging by the tone of his voice, it was a deliberate dig.

 

Second incident immediately followed the previous one. I was defensive and quiet while trying to gather myself, and again, joking around while we were cooking I say, "Seriously, I can do this, I'm not as stupid as you think... *smug face*" Yeah this was me retaliating and mocking his "slacker" comment, but he follows by saying, "Are you sure about that?" OUCH! It's been awhile since my stomach dropped, and these two incidents made that happen. I physically felt pain in my chest, it's remarkable how your body responds when you are hurt.

 

If it was anyone else saying this stuff to me I wouldn't much care, but it's the guy I care about, and now I'm worried that I'm either too sensitive, or he's just a big a** jerk when he's in a pissy mood.

 

After the incident I could tell he knew I felt bad, but he didn't bring it up, he didn't say he was sorry. Instead, he took me out for desert and had a guilty look in his eye. We cuddled, had sex, I tried to forget it, but when he went to leave I couldn't bring myself to hug him, and he was visibly confused and upset about this. I'm not sure if he put two and two together, but he's not a stupid guy. Mostly I just wanted him to leave asap because I felt as though I was on the verge of crying all night.

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Okay, so reading your post I can comment on a couple of things. You've been dating 5 months and he has never reacted to you in that way in those 5 months, but you are certain you know in which way it was meant because you know him enough? If you've never experienced it, how do you know?

 

Also, you were both in a bad mood to start with, so the tone is naturally going to be harsh.

 

You flip off your comments as being meant in a certain way - and not so serious or nasty - and yet they may have come accross to him in the same way you felt his were to you. So, he was already irritated, his girlfriend - thinking to joke with him apparently - gives him crap, harsh crap; he relatiates in kind and you are the one taking offense.

 

Then perhaps his second comment was him trying to be light with you, and yet came accross the wrong way because he was still in grumpy tone.

 

Then to try to make things better he takes you out, after you come home and boff like angry bunnies, then you're upset again?

 

I just don't understand how he is the big ass jerk when you made the first comment.

 

So, talk to him, clear the air and come to an agreement that when you are both in a grump mood, you separate for a while until it all calms down.

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Keyman. I see your point, and I know how my post probably reads as me being over-emotional, but again... it was his tone. I've seen him get angry and be harsh towards other people, and this was a similar circumstance. I'm often sarcastic, so for me to be, "Just relax dude", is nothing. He's more of the quiet type that speaks deliberately, he knew what he was saying and how he was saying it. There is a learning curve to getting to know me, so I'm defiantly considering this, but still, harsh.

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I think perhaps you should look at the things you say to him. He might have really taken offense to you calling him a "too serious workaholic" that needs to "relax a little."

 

From an outside POV it sounds like the remarks he made to you were of no more of an insult than yours to him - it's all about how either of you took the comments.

 

Either which way, there's no better combat for resentment and pent up pissed-offed-ness than too discuss it in a civil manner - none of these sarcastic jabs.

Sarcasm is just another way of saying something potentially mean while getting away with it because it's labelled "jokingly"... not a good way to have a productive conversation

 

I agree with Keyman.

 

[[sarcasm can get quite old... really quickly. Especially when you're trying to have a genuine conversation. It, unbeknownst to even you I'm sure, comes off very adolescent - most importantly in a heated situation. I think before you two can have a decent convo, you need to be able to quit the quips and comments, respectively. Just because it's expected of you to be so sarcastic, all of a sudden it's a crime for someone else to be? Ever think of the tone your voice has when you're saying these things and that maybe it hurts his feelings? "People are the way they are with you, because you are the way you are with them sweetie," that's what I say. And I mean this in no offense.]]

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I remember I had a girlfriend about 3 years ago, and I once made fun of the Dixie Chicks in front of her. Turns out she had a strong emotional connection with this band, I underestimated it, and it really got to her somehow. We were right for a good long while after that. Over the Dixie Chicks? Really, it doesn't take much when you feel like the person you love and trust the most doesn't respect you somehow.

 

Once we were ex's I even bought her the CD for her birthday. She laughed, smiled, and I got to say "I'm sorry". Lots of times, people really don't mean to injure with what they say.

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