Looking for some advice...Long Read

[TheJerseyKid]

I've been lurking here for a bit and wanted to share my story, I apoligize in advance as this might end up being a bit of reading, but I want to be able to get honest opinions.

 

The backstory: Met my Ex GF in the summer of 2007. She was on and off again dating one of my good friends at the time. After a pretty mutual but somewhat rough break up (more of a split up, as they were kind of kicking it again without being official) they stopped talking. In the coming months I eventually all but lost touch with my friend who was seeing her when we met. First time we met we realized we had the same exact birthday (2 years apart, me 2 years younger). We had great conversation, and I always thought she was cute and fun to talk to, but my mind never wandered further, she was after all my friends girl. As time went by and I lost contact with my friend I was bored one night on facebook and decided to see if I could maybe hang out or score a date with this girl as ample time had gone by. I asked if she wanted to meet up for drinks and watch a football game as I knew she was a sports fan. I figured she wouldn't reply/think i was weird/or i was trying to trick her and spying for my old friend. To my surprise I got a reply the very next day giving me her phone number, agreeing to meet, and even suggesting we meet the following night. Holy * * * * this is easy I thought, as I was pleasently surprised. We went out that saturday night, had a great time, we made out, and since she lived about 40 minutes away and I was drunk, it was assumed I was spending the night. We slept together in the same bed that first night (no sex), and we were so comfortable and so into each other we hung out the entire next day. Going to my place around noon, watching football all day, and culminating with sex at the end of the night. She slept over that night as well, and I dropped her off monday before work. We both knew, this was going to be something.

 

Flash forward 5 months later - April 2009. Things had been going good, and we had great chemistry, amazing passion for each other, and incredible level of comfort (as seen by my explanation of our first date). Though I did have some issues. I was pretty jealous and somewhat un-trusting of her (mostly because of her ex, my former friend, saying many negative things about her during their break up). She got sick of the jealously and me getting upset over stupid things like facebook pictures and such and decided to break it off. We remained in contact, though it was mostly me initiating stuff for the first week to 10 days, and I realized I wasn't getting the responses I wanted and it was driving me nuts, I turned to a friend for advise. He suggested if I ever wanted her back, I needed to cut off communication with her. I did so, even though I had my doubts about this working. About 5 or 6 days of NC went by and I was starting to think I'd never hear from her again. Late at night around 11 or so PM on the 5th or 6th day of NC I got a text from her asking how I was doing. In almost utter disbelief that she had contacted me, I told my friend and asked what was my next move. His answer was simple and short, "Nothing." Again having my doubts, I took his advice. He said, "she will contact you again, and probably sooner than you think." Two more days went by and I got another text message from her this time saying "hey I know you are probably busy but just wanted to see how you were." Again I turned to my buddy for advice and his response was the same again "nothing." The following night I fell asleep a little earlier than normal, aparaently she texted me again after I fell asleep asking if things were ok. Being that I was asleep, obviously I didn't respond right away. An hour later while still sleeping she sent me like a 5 page text message basically saying "I don't want to keep putting myself out there and keep looking like an * * * * * * * when I contact you. If you don't want to talk to me, please just say something so I can stop trying." When I woke up and read all this of course I was excited, so I asked my friend again what to do. He said "ok, you've got her right where you want her. You have the power now. Respond, or agree to call her since shes obviously starting to get upset. Be polite, be calm, but don't give too much info, and keep some mystery. Also, end the conversation on your terms." I replied to her text saying "Hey, I've just been really busy lately, it's nothing personal. I've got a few minutes to talk if you'd like me to call in 20 minutes." I called her and kept the convo very upbeat and light, just very typical "how you been" kind of stuff. No talk of the relationship or if anyone else was in the picture. I ended the convo saying I had some things to take care of, and suggested that SHE call me again in a few days or whatever. She agreed and I hung up. We than began LC (I'm assuming this means light contact?) of course only when she initiated for the next week or so. After that week or so of keeping mystery, seeming vague, waiting hours, or sometimes a day to respond to her, out of the blue I asked her to hang out. I think she was so shocked by the fact I asked her to meet up, that she didn't know what hit her and she said yes. We got back together and the rest was history and that brings us to about 6 weeks ago.

 

The past 10 months or so had been good. Good chemistry, getting along good, families get along great, friends all like us, etc etc. Of course we have our bumps, and occaional fights and nit-pickings, but never anything super major or blow out type. I had learned from the last time and stopped being jealous, gave her tons of freedom, and she always kept close contact and never gave me any reason to not trust her. About 10 months after our first reconciliation in early May of 2009, it was now the dead of winter, and I was/am admitted in a bit of a depression. School was dragging on, I was working a * * * * ty low paying job I am MAJORLY over qualified for. The weather was * * * * ty, shes in her last semester of college, taking more credits than shes ever taken in one semester. We're busier, I'm in a depression, not going out much, money was tight (we both lived at home) but still weren't able to go out as much as I would have liked. This was partly due to the fact I was depressed and didn't feel like going out much. During this time much of our time was spent just simply sitting in eachother houses. We went through a phase where we'd hang out and I'd play video games and she'd watch movies with her laptop and we'd practically not interact at all even tho we were sitting right there. Some nights we would stop to have sex, and then resume our activities, other nights we wouldn't even bother. Let me add that our sex life has been nothing short of very spectacular and explosive. During this time of my depression and our "comfort phase" I started nit picking with her over stupid * * * * , sometimes starting fights, or just arguing over useless stuff. Things that didn't even have anything to do with the relationship, and slowly I started to chip away. Because of the depression I started to become more insecure, slowly by slowly, things started to go wrong. Of course what happens next we all know, she started to slowly pull away. Contact slightly less, seem slightly off when we hang out, and when we ask "what's wrong" of course we get "nothing". Then 6 weeks ago or so we had a talk. She said things had to change. She said she felt like we were always doing the same thing, getting to comfortable, etc. I agreed with her honestly, and I wanted to fix things. We agreed we were going to work on these things, and try and build our relationship even stronger. Unfortunately, her school work-load was ever increasing, I was still in school/depressed/at a job I hated. She wanted to go out more, and not in a gold digging way. She's never had an issue with breaking out her wallet to pay, and never expected anything from me she knew I couldn't give. I have to admit, we def. could have gone out more and done more exciting things. Because of her increased school work, and my depression that wasnt getting better, tensions wained more, she pulled further away, and I of course pulled back harder.

 

Two weeks ago she went on vacation. I didn't see her for 9 days, which is the longest we have gone since we have started seeing each other romantically. We were in contact everyday, but I could tell she was being more and more distant, and broke her promise to call every night before bed (something she's always been great about) about 50% of the time. I picked her up from the airport last sunday (1 week ago) and we spent the night at her place, she was exhausted and quickly fell asleep, I wouldn't really even consider it hanging out. We both had stuff to do monday, but agreed we would hang out monday night, mostly to have sex, and catch up since I hadn't seen much of her lately. Monday night went pretty much perfect, no complaints, tuesday morning I dropped her off, went on a job interview (which I got and start tomorrow!). She was excited as of course this would be a big step for me in terms of getting me out of my depression, getting a more regular schedule, having more money, etc. Wednesday we made plans to hang out for the weekend, but later in the day she informed me that she wanted to spend Friday night with her friend (female. I wasn't a fan of this friend because she always treated my GF as a pretty * * * * ty friend, wasn't always there for her, just wasn't very considerate, and I often bore the brunt of a * * * * -load of complaining about her.) I was pretty upset about this because I hadn't seen much of her lately, and since I was starting a new job and we wouldn't have as much time on the weekends as we did, so I wanted to spend the entire weekend with her. At first I agreed, and we had plans to hang out all day sat/sun. Around 11pm I called her and said I was pretty pissed about her hanging out with her friend Friday, gave all the reasons I just told you and she wasn't hearing it. I got so pissed I snapped, and I said "hang out with your * * * * ty friend who ditches you all the time." and I hung up on her. I never have hung up on her ever, and I remember early on as it specifically being something she said she hated. I called her back in 10 minuets to apoligize, but as you guessed it was too late. All the months of the little bull * * * * arguements, the pulling of done lately, as shes been pulling back. Mostly as a result of my depression and her schedule and all her stress. She said "I love you but I can't do this right now anymore. I can't focus on school and have you pissed at me. I can't feel like im giving and giving and its not appreciated" etc etc. Of course I begged and pleaded to change and give me one last shot and blah blah. After about an hour on the phone I gave up and agreed to give her the "space". I sent her a 4 page (by page i mean 4 160character texts) text saying I was sorry, and letting her know I was going to change, for myself, and weather or not we ever worked out again or not.

 

Around 11am Thursday I had formulated a ton of * * * * I still needed to say and wanted to get off my chest, before I was prepared to walk away from this for good. I asked her for her e-mail in a text (oddly enough, I never needed to e-mail her anything since I saw her/talked to her often enough.), and she responded right away with it and said "xxxx@link removed and please tell your parents I'm sorry I don't want them to hate me" (she was pretty close with my mom, they would often talk for 30min-1hr when she would come over, sometimes I'd have to pull them apart, lol.) I didn't respond to the text because I knew what I wanted to say and I was going to put in all in the e-mail. The e-mail was probably 2-2 1/2 pages if double spaced, of me saying basically I didn't want her to remember me as a controlling, depressed, or * * * * ty person. I wanted her to just keep an open mind and at least hold a little bit of judgement, and told her she has yet to see the best of what I can offer. Deep in my soul, I know this is true, and I don't mean with her only. I'm working to be a better/nicer/more understanding person to my friends, family, everyone around me. I explained these things, and told her I just hope I hadn't made things completely ruined. I also thanked her for doing it because when she was away, I had the feeling of asking for a "break" of sorts. I knew we were at each other's wits' end and some space to cool off and miss each other would probably do us good. I told her I had been feeling this way and thanked her for doing it since I had been too much of a * * * * * to do it. She responded about an hour later, here is her reply in full:

 

 

 

I had several reactions to this that I wanted to address. I typed up a response to this, but I have yet to send it. I'm glad I haven't because I know its way too soon and things won't be taken in context yet. Besides, none of it matters if she isin't willing to reconcile down the road. Either way, it made me feel good to type it. Since the e-mail response (1pm Thurs, about 12 hours after break up), we've been NC. About 3 1/2 days now. I've been through enough break up's now to where I don't need to count silly things like how many hours since we've talked or things like that. I can eat, I can sleep (decently, not nearly 100% tho), and though I do sometimes still hope its her when the phone buzzes, I know it's not, and it's not nearly as bad as it was when we broke up a year ago. Since I feel like I've been through this before and NC worked, I guess I'm also dealing with this a bit better, though it still hurts a good bit, believe me. I plan on remaining NC until she contacts me, my prediction is there will be a text asking me about the new job either after tomorrow, or by the latest at the end of the week. I don't plan on responding to her first attempt at contact. I'm not going to be an emotional crutch in the event she's testing the waters with somebody new. If she persists and contacts a 2nd time, I will respond, but I know how to this time around. Upbeat, confident, mysterious, basically just cool, calm and collected. Obiv. minimal as possible. After that I am going back to NC until she makes a few more attempts, or shows interest. She knows this is on her and she asked for it, so she'll need to at least try. I'm hopeful that we do get back together, but I DO want things to be different and better next time around, with her or not.

 

I just wanted to share my story in the hopes it could help somebody else, and to get the advice and help of the other out there in a similar situation, and see what you think. Thank you for letting me ramble. Will update as more develops.

[Maverick32x]

good read.. long though

 

So much analyzing though!! I hate how relationships do this to us... Good luck though with everything.. This sounds like quite a journey you're going through.. hope it all works out..

[TheJerseyKid]

Update: As predicted, she did text me monday about the new job. Around 10am I got a text from her saying "Good luck at the new job!".. I responded around 7:30 pm at night and said "Thanks, appreciate it. Went great!", she was in class when I sent this (basing this off her old schedule) and she responded around 10:30pm when she usually gets home saying "I'm glad it went well!!!!". I haven't responded to that and I don't plan on it. There's really nothing to say to that. My plan is to remain not initiating contact, and when I do respond to be mysterious, confident, and short. I'm not going to give any sort of hints or anything other than the fact that i'm doing great and I'm ok with the situation. My hopes for this is that it'll leave the door open enough for a reconciliation down the road, and won't build enough of a wall to make that impossible. But also by not initiating, and taking a while to respond, picking and choosing which things I respond to, or giving minimal answers, it will sort of prevent her from getting any emotional support that helps her along with the break up. Ideas/thoughts? Btw, the new job helped tremendously in terms of helping me cope. I feel a lot better about myself already, and hope it leads to more positive changes.

[TheJerseyKid]

I know this is a long read, but seriously, no one has any advice or thoughts on how to go/move from here?

[TheJerseyKid]

Ok she just texted me again today, like 5 minutes ago saying "Did i leave my camera cord at ur house? sorry to bother u but i cant seem to find it". She uploaded a few pictures to her laptop the last time she was here (8 days ago). I'm positive it isin't here, and I think she might be sure too. Gah this is retarded. Ideas?

[oorange]

I think you should continue NC without even talking to her. I mean, if you reply her, it shows that your constantly available for her. I am assuming that she broke up with you? So i guess you should show her that you're serious with the break up too. If you constantly keep in contact with her, she'll only treat you as a friend, i don't think you want that.

[TheJerseyKid]

While I do agree with you, I feel like no responding to a text such as "do you have (insert something here)" while it may be a ploy, is childish. Isin't the goal of NC or NIC to show you're ex that you are OK with things and moving on? Well isin't ignoring something like this going to show that this stuff is having an effect on me? Also, if you read the bottom 4 paragraphs (5 minutes) you'd have a much better understanding of my situation, but I do thank you for the reply.

[TheJerseyKid]

Waited 2 hours and responded to her text about the camera cord. My reply was "Haven't seen it any where" her response came about 20 seconds later and was "Its ok I just found it under my bed". Yeah no * * * * . I'm going to remain NIC for now, but if i see her persist with these truly meaningless texts which are just an attempt at "taking my temperature" with her, I'm going NC.

[Ellie2006]

It sounds like both of you had hectic schedules and grew comfortable with being "near" each other, not "with" each other.

 

So what's changed? Either than go NC (in order to give her space), it doesnt seem like you've done anything to make changes so that this becomes a different (and more improved and rewarding) relationship to you both.

 

To sum up, what changes are you ready to make so that you two can figure out a way to be in a committed relationship when you both have busy schedules?

Because ... your schedules are going to become even busier once you get jobs, so it might be wise to figure out now what you're prepared to do so that you can make this relationship (or any other relationship, for that matter) work out.

 

Also, i think your ex is pretty smart to walk away for now -- like she said, maybe she has things she needs to work on alone for her own personal growth.

 

Maybe you should let her be (for real) so that she can concentrate on her studies and you on your new job (congrats, btw). Maybe you two can find your way towards each other again some day.

[TheJerseyKid]

Well not enough has changed for things to be entirely different yet, but there have been some pretty big changes. First, starting this new job, has already gone a long way to making me just happier with my life in general, and I feel like one of the driving forces behind our break up was my depression. I've also realized that the way I talked to her, wasn't always the nicest. So since I don't really talk to her (shes texted twice in the past week since we broke, I've responded 1 time to each text, once 10 hours later, once 2 hrs later. Both time's she responded to my reply, and both times I have left her 2nd text of the conversation unresponded to, as there hasn't been a direct question asked or anything to respond to.) I've been practicing on my friends, family, and other. The art of just being a more understanding, respectful and better person. I am also looking into seeing a therapist, just to help me understand why I am the way I am sometimes.

 

Last time we broke up (a year ago) was for some other issues, and she said nothing to the effect of "I just need to walk away now, before it gets damaged forever." To me it seems like she still wants to keep us (me) as a viable option, but knows that right now with her school schedule, and my transition period, it still wouldn't work. Sure, when we're both working that will change things, but as I said we hung out 2-3 days a week, mostly on the weekends. I'm only going to work a few hours on saturdays if at all, I'm pretty sure once she starts full time, she wont be working weekends at all, so the time will be there if we want to make it. So in summary, a few things have already changed on my part, and there are a few things continuing to change on her part I'd assume. Either way, her classes don't end for a good month, and the last thing I'd want is to be with her for finals week where she will be stressing out like a mad woman.