What are your dealbreakers in a relationship?

[cazmoore]

Are there rules you have established in your relationship that, on your level, would be a deal breaker? I mean, what if you started to date someone who you met while they were in school, they dropped out... worked a kinda mediocre job and every time they said they would go back to school, they just happened to have missed the deadline date to apply... 3 years in a row? When do some people take responsibility for their lives? Or do they ever? Does your partner need some encouragement (a kick up the bum) to get going? I know some friends of mine who have been dating their boyfriends for years, and some of them never even got their drivers license! And they're 26... or they smoke pot every day and play video games while their girlfriends work a full time job. I wonder how men like that get women up in those high places? (Not that my situation is as bad as that...)

 

Now, I'm thinking this over... and I need at least someone to be honest with me. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. I'm going into my 4th and final year of nursing this September. I actually met my boyfriend in my nursing program, but he dropped out after 1st year stating he was going switch into the RPN program instead to finish early that following year. Well, it never happened. He ended up getting a half decent job at a community home (and I say half decent because it's not full time, so he's not qualified for benefits and it's been frozen at $20/hr). He's since bought a ford explorer last year which now seems impossible for him to go back to school with the payments and car insurance... we've had our up's and downs with his habitual alcoholic tendency which he's had under control since January when we briefly broke up. He missed the deadline date to apply to school again this past February (the program was closed already – it's in high demand) which only makes me believe he never had any intentions of going back as he's shown through this sort of passive aggressive behaviour... He did however apply to the RPN program and got in at a school an HOUR away but he's concerned this will screw up his work schedule and he can't afford to go back to school. This is what he's selling me. His dad has plans to build a house up north on his property he owns (he's retired now), and the town his dad is moving to is booming. My boyfriend seems more concerned getting up there and being part of this (fantasy) and would like to wait till NEXT September and go to school up north into the RPN program when money won't be that big of an issue (I'm guessing because i'll be working). I intitally was okay with moving up there since it might be easier for me to find a job, but since I'm on the other side of 25 now (which, yes, isn't old but I'm another year closer to 30, and I'd like to settle down)... my boyfriend only has a high school diploma so this really limits his options for work. There are nursing jobs where you can sign a bonus up North for $10,000 but you're locked in for 3 years. I don't see a problem with supporting him since he's supported me through school by paying for clothes, all my meals, buying me a computer for school.. etc. So I feel sort of guilty about this.

 

Anyway... I've sort of decided that because he's not going back to school this year, and if he wants to wait till next year, that I will not sign a signing bonus since if it doesn't work out between him and I because he's not really working and isn't in school when he's up there... I just don't want to be living with a guy who, I don't know... what's the word? Freeloading? (I'm not sure if that's fair to say) I don't want to be stuck up there and have to buy out my contract. I feel as though I want to tell him this before I move in with him this month, so we're not arguing about this. It's my future.

 

I want to settle down and have kids, and with him at school for another couple of years, this really deters my plans and was not how I thought the relationship would go... He was already suppose to be finished school by now. Am I being unrealistic about all this?

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think you are being unrealistic at all. You want your life to go a certain way and right now it's not. Honestly, from an outside looking in and a woman who worked 70 hours a week to support an ex who only worked 15 at the most... get out.

 

He could change, yes. Everyone has the ability to change. Whether they do or not is a different story. Has he shown you any kind of change since anything began?

 

The question you have to ask yourself is in 7 years do you want to still be with this guy and look back with possibly no marriage and kids, and regret not leaving?

[Go Habs Go]

My dealbreakers:

 

 

-Smoking

-Drinking/drugs

-Too many sex partners

-Not in school or working

-High maintenance

 

 

To the OP, you're best off leaving this guy.

[cazmoore]

Well, over all... no, not huge changes. In fact, when he wasn't in school and he was working his job (I'm sorry, but it's an easy job, I visit him often and comparing that with nursing and for someone with no post secondary education.. he's lucky) he drank a LOT. I had problems were he drank a fair amount before... then he moved in his room mate who drank twice as much and then it all spiraled out of control. My boyfriend chose booze over me basically... we broke up, he spoke with my dad who... basically said I'm an adult, but he hopes I don't continue dating him. Things had changed since then, yeah. He seems more committed to the relationship, we spent more time together during the week and he cut out drinking altogether except maybe a night a week when he's with his friends and the drinking is minimal since we talk quite a lot.. he has come over for a couple family dinners when I'm not studying.

 

I find that he's a follower - his friends are no better than he is, so he has no-one to compare himself to. I felt annoyed when he just said "I promise next year I'll apply, and i'll find the dates and apply early.." like... why not grab the opportunity while it's there?

[OptomisticGirl]

That was my ex's excuess. "You never tell me when the dates are".. "WE need to go do it"... "I'll go out and look for a better job tomorrow"... "I won't work there because some guy I don't like works there and the training program is longer".

 

I'd get out before you move in together. Once you move in together, the situation is only going to worsen and then comes the legal aspect of seperating. It's not pretty.

 

My deal breakers though would be:

-cheating

-lazy and doesn't want to work

-hitting

-alcoholic

-drugs

[cazmoore]

yeah that's what I'm worried about.. why do people move in together then thinking that the problem will actually get better?

[In the Dark]

I have quite a lot of deal breakers

But a fair few of them relate to each other.

 

Cheating of any sort.

Emotional/Physical abuse

Manipulation

No compromising

Drugs

Heavy alcohol drinker

Separates friends from other friends and me to keep secrets they don't want told within each group.

Distancing

Irrationality

Double standards

One who stays silent in disputes instead of sorting them out.

Not being truthful about what is bothering them.

Unrealistic expectations of your own achievements.

Lying about serious matters to not face the consequences they should get.

[cazmoore]

I have quite a lot of deal breakers

But a fair few of them relate to each other.

 

Cheating of any sort.

Emotional/Physical abuse

Manipulation

No compromising

Drugs

Heavy alcohol drinker

Separates friends from other friends and me to keep secrets they don't want told within each group.

Distancing

Irrationality

Double standards

One who stays silent in disputes instead of sorting them out.

Not being truthful about what is bothering them.

Unrealistic expectations of your own achievements.

Lying about serious matters to not face the consequences they should get.

 

 

Ohhhh SO true.

 

I've called him up and he's watching baseball with his room mate who I absolutely hate, anyway, I told him to call me back when the game is over. I already feel nervous... but I can't study since I'm worrying about this.

[SmartJoe]

There will be all kinds of deal breakers depending on who you ask. The biggest one is lying, if you can lie you can do anything. Most others can be worked out by talking but if you can't be honest then you can't work on it and fix it.

[newlife24]

girl first of all, PLEASE DONT LET HIM RUIN YOUR STUDIES!

I had to drop out of a nursing program for a jerk who lied to me about going to jail for some very serious things. I was devastated.

Fast forward to this loser I just dumped.

I found out in Feb that he's growing pot in his aunts house!!!

I left him on the spot. However, Im still in my program and I graduation in December! I didnt let this one win!!! losers come and go (at least in my life!)

If you feel like your gut is telling you to leave, listen! I wished that I would have. I had been trying to leave for three months before I found out about his stupid pot farm.

It hurts right now because I loved him, but I dont want a pothead raising my future kids and I could have gone to jail right with him!!! Protect yourself if you feel this is a bad deal. We are going to be NURSES!!! and that is worth so much more than a relationship sometimes.

 

 

Deal breakers are as follows:

Alcoholics

Drugs (of ANY kind)

Cheaters

Liars

no goals

no standards/morals

lazy

no college education

no religion

[Flywest29]

Ohhhh SO true.

 

I've called him up and he's watching baseball with his room mate who I absolutely hate, anyway, I told him to call me back when the game is over. I already feel nervous... but I can't study since I'm worrying about this.

 

So how did that go?

 

Deal breakers are as follows

 

-Cheaters (ex-gf cheated on every bf she had, and I was shocked when she did it to me, never happen again)

-Liars

-Drug Abuse (Of any kind includes excessive drinking)

-Lack of ambition/goals (I am very goal oriented and worked extremely hard to get to where I am at in my career/dream....airline pilot, and would want someone just as driven it says a lot about a persons character).

-Lack of Education ( I can't stand when stupid people try to sound smart)

-Lack of sex drive (Yes I'm a dude I know but sex is extremely important and need someone who will experiment, is confident and loves her body)

 

I think as I am gasp approaching 30 these things are important to me and not willing to budge on them, I've been with all those types before and won't do it again.