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parents!! feeling hormonal,upset, guilty but frustrated..


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I'm just feeling really upset tonight.. maybe its my pregnancy hormones but I have this horrible guilty feeling towards my parents.. i love them but they drive me mad!!

 

My daughter is 15 months old and my parents adore her, they really would do anything for her, however, their idea of spoiling her is to lavish juice and sugary rubbish on her. I have said in the past that I always wanted her to eat my own food that I had prepared for her and to drink water (To protect her teeth) and for her to be healthy.. everyone in my family (including me!) has had some sort of weight/obesity problem. I have always maintained that my daughter sees a 'treat' as blueberries, raisins, bananas, these are her favourite 'puddings'!!

 

Anyway at Easter my parents wanted to buy her choccie eggs and I said 'no, she is far too young and I don't really want her eating chocolate.. buy her blueberries..' it offended my mum no end and she snapped that blueberries are not the same as an egg!! and it never did me any harm!! (all of my molars have amalgam fillings in them from when I was young!!).

 

anywayyyyyyyy we argued and I maintained i wanted her to eat fruit, but if they insisted on chocolate to get her a little bag of buttons... so they bought her THREE bags of chocolate buttons and Kinder surprise chocolate and they also bought clothes for her and teddies.. they love to spoil her.

 

Anyway what upsets me is everything they want to do for her goes against everything I have said and asked of them not to do.. don't give her juice, she is happy to drink water, so they give her juice, today my mum was shoving chocolate fudge cake in my daughter's mouth and chocolate log and etc.. then my dad went out and bought her some cheese strings.. my partner refused to let her have them and said 'I am sorry but i don't want her eating them, they are full of emulsifying salts and other E numbers and rubbish'

 

my dad got really offended and started shouting that they were full of calcium and good for children and he had just bought his granddaughter some cheese.. my partner was ranting 'i don't want her to eat them, end of subject' my dad was ranting and shouting, my mum was saying 'i have never fed my children rubbish!! ever.. etc..' then they started going on about how people talk crap these days because it never did us any harm etc...

 

It is a battle every single time we visit my family or my partner's family. my wishes are totally abandoned!!

 

we left my daughter with my mother inlaw for a few days last month and i left a schedule and snacks and food and when i came home my mother in law gave me back all the food and snacks i had left and told me she did it 'her way' she didn't think snacks were necessary she fed her at different times... it didn't really do any harm but i think in principal the fact that i am the mother and its my child and my wishes were not taken into consideration at all and i find myself feeling guilty for making them feel bad for doing what they think it right, and also i feel angry at them for not respecting my wishes and making me feel bad for refusing their way and choosing my own!

 

It doesn't just extend to food when it comes to my family. my dad is incredibly racist and used some choice words which made me snap today and i was appalled, don't want him using them around my children.. my daughter is learning to talk at the moment.. my dad was annoyed at me for being annoyed!! my mum began ranting about foreigners and imigrants and people eating the queen's swans!! I said 'if bad people do bad things then I dislike them for doing bad things, its nothing to do with their race... i dislike lots of white people for being peodophiles etc...' my mum just said 'oh well WHATEVER!!'

 

I said 'mum, you cannot possibly be anoyed at me for NOT being racist? surely you would be proud if your child wasn't? if any of my children were racist i would be dissapointed' she says 'well they will be!! its society!!' and thats the end of that conversation!!

 

even just asking my dad to watch his language becomes a battle of their parenting ''you grew up okay didn't you!!!!' blah blah

 

 

AGHHHHHHHHH

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I know it is hard to have your wishes ignored, I think though when you ask other people to watch your children you have to allow them some lee way or you can fast find yourself out of child care options. Grandparents also love to spoil their grand kids and that is what grandparents are for. I think if you have this many concerns when others look after your daughter it is easier to do yourself.......it is what I chose to do. I did not like the way my in-laws cared for my son so he very seldom went to visit without me present. I took him monthly WITH me for visits.

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I do agree with Victoria, I'm sad to say. Thus the reason I have never left our 18 month old with a babysitter as of yet! LOL We have some friends that were jumping at the chance to babysit, and were telling my husband how they were going to give her a tootsie pop and brownies... at 5 MONTHS OLD!!! Needless to say, 13 months later, they haven't babysat... and they never will. They also arte quite racist and don't watch the cuss-words when she is around, and that drives me batty. She is just starting to talk and I really don't want her repeating those words.

I am lucky enough with my family that they tend to listen to my wishes, for the most part. When we had Easter with my Dad and Stepmom, they actually asked what they could put in her eggs for the Easter Egg hunt. I've been pretty vocal about what Littlepants can and can't have from day one, and my family does know to respect those wishes. Period. I've always said, "You had your kids, and you can mess them up any way you want. This is OUR kid, we will mess her up the way WE choose, thank you very much." I say this with humor and it seems to go over and be understood.

I did take alot of flack for some of the choices we made in raising our daughter, but you know what, it is OUR choice to make, and if they make the choice to disregard our rules and regulations for our daughter, well then, I guess you aren't respectful enough to have her visit on her own.

Good luck with your situation, I hope you can get them to understand.

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Maybe I'm too lenient, but I don't think a piece of chocolate or juice (as long as it's all natural and not the stuff that's 5% juice and 95% sugar) here and there is going to harm a child's teeth, as long as it doesn't become a habit and you make sure to clean them well afterward. I DO think 3 bags at 15 months is going WAY too far, though, and if junk food is the ONLY thing she wants to feed your child, THEN you should DEFINITELY put your foot down.

 

I don't quite understand the cheese thing, though, unless you are vegans. Cheese is actually good for children. And, again, a small amount every now and then of the salts or whatever is not going to harm your child.

 

I do understand your parents not abiding by your wishes. I, too, made my father watch his language around my boys because they DO pick up on things like that. Most of the time, they don't realize what they are saying, but the last thing you want is your child out in public using offensive language because she picked it up at your parents' house. However, just as you have your views of what is "right," they do too and realize that, just as you don't like hearing from them that you aren't "parenting your child right," they don't like hearing that they didn't "parent right." It's easier when it comes to whether or not you allow a friend to watch your child than it is when it comes to a parent or other family member. I went through it with all 3 of my boys and by the time the 3rd one was born, I was tired of fighting all of the time so I pretty much let them do what they wanted....he's the only one of the 3 that has NO cavities and he's 9--go figure!!! My advice is to choose your battles. Otherwise, you will either spend every visit fighting like you have been (you can't teach an old dog new tricks) or you have to avoid them completely.

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Why didn't you just smile and accept the candy, and put it away in the cupboard once they left?

 

Because you are determined to prove to your parents that you know how to raise your child better than they did.

 

I know several families who planned out their children's lives like you are doing, and the kids - nearly every single one of them - have become obsessive, shy, insecure, anal retentive, BAD eaters...

 

Kids need to be kids. Yours isn't old enough to have developed habits like I describe but if you continue to plan out everything for her, she can. They need to be free to explore, taste new foods so they don't develop eating problems, and experience people or events that you think you need to protect them from

 

What is better is to let them experience things - even a piece of fudge - and then maintain a healthy lifestyle during your 95% of their time. If they experience a racist person? What better way to sit them down and ask them questions about it and help them see that it's bad?

 

Teach your children to think for themselves, not to let you do their thinking for them. They will be on their own only too soon, at friends' houses, at school, on dates...and you need to know that you found every occasion possible to teach them to think and analyze and choose the right thing, so that when they're not around you, they WILL. Dealing with obstructive grandparents is just one more great lesson to be taught and learned.

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