Don't know what to do with these feelings

[Nyxx]

It's been a while since I've posted, and I had kinda sworn off enotalone for a while after some insensitive remarks were made, but I really don't know who to turn to anymore and I'm hoping I can find some support.

 

I'm depressed, and I know it. I've been feeling these things off and on since I was a little kid, but it's only gotten worse now. And I feel like my life isn't as bad as it could be/has been, so I can hardly contribute it to that.

 

I don't know whether depression is a result of environment, circumstance, genetics, my own self-deprecating thoughts or a mish-mash of everything rolled into one big ball of ugly, but it seems like all the conditions are right for me, even if I don't understand it.

 

For years, and more prominently in the last couple months, I've been racked with feelings of anxiety and guilt. My stomach churns day and night, I can't sleep, I'm always nervous and on edge. I snap at my well-intentioned boyfriend for absolutely no reason or I refuse to talk to him at all, and the part that bothers him the most is my ability to just break down and cry for no reason whatsoever. I know it really makes him feel terrible that he can't make things better for me, and more than once I've made him cry because of how badly I feel and how badly I'm making him feel. Right now it's an intense effort just to hold the tears back.

 

I know many outside factors play into these feelings, but I'm not convinced that's all it is. I've felt this way off and on my entire life. Some times stronger than others. When I was 9, I would repeatedly slice the back of my hand with a sharpened kitchen knife. Why would a 9-year-old feel compelled to injure herself if the reasons were all external? Is life so bad for a 9-year-old in suburban Minnesota? I'm not a crazy, psychopathic monster, and I wasn't looking for attention. I just remember feeling guilty and hoping that punishing myself would make it go away. It didn't go away, though.

 

If there was one feeling I could wish away and never feel again, it would, undoubtedly, be the feeling of guilt.

 

It never really hit me that the prevalence and intensity of these feelings was abnormally strong until, one day, I woke up and decided I didn't have the fight in me. It took so much effort to wake up and face reality every single day, that I decided one day that I didn't care. And that feeling of throwing it all to wind is coming more and more often. And it scares me. Because not only do I not care about letting feelings of guilt motivate me, I have no feelings whatsoever. I feel nothing, and I spend entire days laying in bed, unmoving, refusing to eat or see to my responsibilities. I'm unemployed and have been since October, so a lot of times I found myself saying, "What's the point? Why bother getting up, getting dressed, putting makeup on? There's no purpose."

 

My normal feelings, over the course of one day, are as such: guilt, anxiety, fear, intense loneliness and feelings of being abandoned, feeling like no one cares or even notices me, betrayal, anger, irritability, lack of motivation, low self-esteem, extreme tiredness, aching joints and a persistent headache, and, above all, persistent sadness. Some days are better than others, but there's never a day when I'm free of even half of those feelings. Some days I find I can insert a laugh or a moment of happiness between the anxiety and loneliness, but most of my life, I've been feeling this way.

 

I would have seen a doctor a long time ago, but I was fired from my job in October and have no health insurance. Even when I had it, it didn't cover mental health appointments.

 

I guess I'm just hoping that writing it down will, in some small way, allow these built-up feelings to manifest themselves elsewhere.

[misssmithviii]

You very well might be suffering from chronic depression (hate to state the obvious) but if you're going through your day with all these feelings, lashing out at your bf and you don't even know why then you might find the answers with a psychologist.

 

Do you have any pent-up, unresolved anger (resentments)?

Do you feel like you haven't been given enough attention in your life?

 

These are some rhetorical questions you need to think about.

I seriously think you have an issue with being grateful for what you have, and perhaps the course you're going on in your life will lead you into a situation that WILL put you in the bad place you are convinced you already live in.

 

If you're not thankful for what you have, pretty soon you'll have absolutely nothing to be thankful for.

As I say in these kinds of situations, "It ain't over until you're kneeling over your own gravestone wondering where the f*** your life went."

 

I do, however, believe it is a good thing you're writing these feelings down. It is very therapeutic and the fact that you're not opposed to help is a good sign too

[thejigsup]

Many cases of chronic depression are chemically related. Your synapses are not taking in the correct neurtransmitters so your brain doesn't get enough "feel good" impulses. There are meds that correct this. I would look into this. You could have everything your heart desires, but if you brain is functioning in a way that allows you to feel happy, you will have chronic depression. It's nothing you are doing or are failing to do. You just need to have this checked. Now, we all experience occaisional bouts of being depressed, but when it's chronic, it is most likely a biological problem.

[stormie]

I know how hard it is to live with depression. If you cannot afford a therapist though, try to follow the following points - I find them very helpful:

 

Do not set difficult goals for yourself, or take on additional responsibility.

 

Break large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can as you can.

 

Do not expect too much from yourself too soon, as this will only increase your feelings of failure.

 

Try to be with other people; it is usually better than being alone.

 

Force yourself to participate in activities that may make you feel better.

 

Try engaging in mild exercise, going to a movie, a ball-game, or participating in religious or social activities.

 

Don't overdo it or get upset if your mood is not greatly improved right away. Feeling better takes time.

 

Do not make major life decisions, such as changing jobs, getting married or divorced, without consulting others who know you well and who have a more objective view of your situation. In any case, it is advisable to postpone important decisions until your depression has lifted.

 

Do not expect to snap out of your depression. People rarely do. Help yourself as much as you can, and do not blame yourself for not being up to par.

 

Remember, do not accept your negative thinking. It is part of the depression and will disappear as your depression responds to treatment.

 

Get help from a professional. No matter how much you want to beat it yourself, a psychologist can help you recover faster.

 

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