No one in my life wants to spend time with me.

[edomestic]

Hi forum. I’m going to be one of those random people who come on to a forum and straight away start posting really personal, needy stuff......

 

Okay so I feel like none of my ‘friends’ really like me. I have lots of friends, I am in a big group at uni. My friends, I like them. I like being around them, spending time with them. But I feel like it’s a real ‘me’ and ‘them’ sort of situation: they are all really close, they do stuff together, they call each other all the time, blah blah blah.

 

I do stuff with my friends a lot too but it’s either because I have organised it, or we are all doing something as a big group. None of my friends EVER call me, just to talk. Not since high school (I’m in 4th year of uni. I’m 21). But they all call each other, all the time.

 

Since I’m always the one organising everything, I have tried not organising anything. For the last few months I have been a hermit, I have made no effort. I am sick of always being the one to make the effort.

 

Well as a result, I haven’t done * * * * in months now. It is really frustrating me. I’m not an anti-social person.

 

It is starting to get me really down. I am starting to really dislike my friends, I guess I’m jealous of the relationships they have with each other. It's really getting to me. It's kind of superficial, but I see what they write to each other on Facebook, and it actually pisses me off. They seem to be hanging out together ALL the time. Meanwhile I'm just sitting at home or I'm at work and I'm doing anything with them, except when I see it plastered all over facebook. I am sick of seeing it.

 

I'm slowly being cut off by all these people because I'm no longer being the one to initiate our interactions, and then I think, "good riddance", but it's a bit scary when they're all just dropping like flies.

 

I don't have ONE good friend. Not one. I cry myself to sleep about it some nights (as absolutely pathetic as that sounds). Even my own cousins are the same deal. My brother is probably my best friend. He doesn't have the same socialising/friend issues I do.

 

I like myself and I don't know why other people don't. I'm pretty easy going (except when it comes to talking about this stuff), I am outgoing etc. I guess it's kinda hard for people to give advice given you don't know me, but can anyone at all relate to this??? Have you felt like this in the past, and what have you done about it?

 

I am getting really down on myself about this and I'm starting to hate the people in my life for it. I know it's my fault they're acting this way, but I feel like I have dwelled SO much on what is 'wrong' with me, that now I've given up searching, and I just don't want to bother with people anymore.

 

I have zero luck with guys either. The weird thing is that I know there have been guys who have had big crushes on me in the past. Their friends have told me, or they've just made it really obvious. I'm so scared that guys will "get to know me" and then realise I'm a loser, I'm annoying, whatever it is that makes my friends not bother with me, and then they'll just lose interest. So I don't put myself out there when it comes to guys. I'm scared the same thing will happen.

[geminigirl1234]

Well first off,

 

I would like to say thank you so much for posting this, as I am sure many women and men around the world can relate to exactly what you mentioned in your post. I would also like to say you are a very brave woman for posting personal info about yourself, as not everybody is able to do this.

 

From my own experience, I can say YES I definitely experienced all of what you are saying, and this is something recent too. I also had some troubles with girlfriends before, and got kind of jelous that they talked to each other more than they talked to me. I dont know about your specific situation, but I know that in mine, the reason why they didnt talk to me as much is because I always kind of distanced myself from them. And I had good reason to do that because although we knew eachother for a while, and had great times together, I never felt really happy in their presence, that is, they did not bring out the best in me. They were often judgemental and trying to prove themselves to eachother.

 

I realized that I would like to spend my time with friends that make me feel good about just being me, friends I can be comfortable with. And I did find a couple of good friends that accepted me and love me for who I am.

And I am sure you can do this too! There are plenty of nice, caring girls in the world, just finding them can be tricky. Have you ever tried finding girlfriends through the internet? I know some places can be sketchy, but just a couple of days ago, I posted an ad on Craiglist, asking if there is a girl out there who would like to hang out once in a while, go shopping, and 2 really nice girls replied I know it seems a bit weird at first to do this, but there are many many people out there who are looking for great friends, but just find it difficult to find the right ones.

 

Another thing I realized, which hopefully will be helpful for you, is that if you are positive and happy and bring out good, positive energy to the world, the world will bring you the same. For many years, I was unhappy and did not love myself, so no wonder people did not gravitate towards me, I was so negative and suspicious. But if you just let go of all those fears, and insecurities, you will see that the world is so beautiful, and great people will come to you, with you welcoming them of course.

 

Mind you, in my life, I was able to get past through all this negativity, insecurity and fear with the help of a therapist. She is a wonderful caring person who just believed in me, and it gave me so much confidence and hope.

 

Have you ever tried talking/seeing a counseller, sometimes they can just be your friend, if you find a good one. I hope you consider looking into this, as my counseller was able to open the doors for me to a greater life and more positive self esteem.

 

As far as boys go, I have been through exactly what you said, scared of them finding out the "true me," leaving me for someone better etc.

 

You will notice (as I am starting to see and realize more and more) that when you feel truly good about yourself and love yourself, and keep your life busy and full and fun, and trying to be positive, all the good boys will gravitate towards you to. And at that point hopefully you will be the one choosing which boy is special enough to be with someone amazing like you.

 

Another thing that I did in my room, is I started to put up sticky notes everywhere saying things like "you are special" and "great things will happen" "negative thoughts do not help me".

Although it might seem a bit funny to some people, I found that doing this and just looking at the sticky notes really does help! You start to believe in yourself more and your mind becomes more filled with happy thoughts rather than negative ones.

 

 

Anywyas, I really hope I helped here, and I truly do wish you all the best.

Good luck! and if you ever need to talk to someone, as I know I always love talking to new people and just sharing experiences, feel free to send me a messege.

 

YL

[edomestic]

Thank you, geminigirl. Your post gives me hope. I really appreciate it

 

I have not seen a counsellor about this although I have thought about it and I think I might go and see someone in the next few weeks. We have a counsellor at uni.

 

I have never spoken to anyone about this, except today when I hinted it to my mum. I asked her if she thought people would find me annoying. She is very honest and we have a pretty good relationship. She said I'm not annoying, but I have a short fuse. It's true that I can get quite frustrated by my parents. I genuinely don't think I'm like this with my friends though, but I guess I can't be sure how they perceive me.

 

Thanks again your post geminigirl I'm going to put a sticky note up in my room!

[nadid]

Hi forum. I’m going to be one of those random people who come on to a forum and straight away start posting really personal, needy stuff......

 

Hi! I have to be totally honest with you. When I first started reading your post (your title and the very first sentence you wrote), I had to stop reading. Can you figure out why your first sentence would put someone off?

I have a feeling that maybe you are isolating yourself, like somehow you don't realize it but you are actually pushing people away by comments, judgments, criticisms you make.

I may be completely wrong, but I thought I would reply because you are specifically trying/hoping to reach out for help.

[catfeeder]

The problem with trying to get close to people who are already popular among their own friends is that they already have friends. This can make them too focused on their own relationships to sense any openness from you. Might help to consider reaching out to people who appear to be as solo as you are, instead.

 

If you've been the organizer in a group, people may have just taken your outgoing efforts for granted--or they possibly viewed you as overcompensating. The key word is 'possibly' because none of us have observed your interactions, but you have. Could there have been any presumptuousness on your part, which maybe annoyed people?

 

If not, then it's probably just a matter of each of these acquaintances finding private bonds with one or two others, and they all formed an interactive chain--which would mean exclusion of you was never intentional.

 

Wouldn't hurt to stay loosely connected with this group to stay plugged in to any parties or events in which they would typically include you. However, your pursuit of a more intimate friendship can extend beyond this one group to consider people who may feel as lonely as you do.

 

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you won't buy into the myth that uni is necessarily an easy time for anyone. People do their best to 'appear' happy and connected, but it's not the case as often as you might think.

[edomestic]

Nadid, thanks for your response. I think you could be right to an extent. I do think I am pushing people away without meaning to, and then I overcompensate in other ways. But it's so hard for me to pin down exactly what it is, and so it's hard to address.

 

Which brings me to another thing, I am hyper self-aware. Like I think about this stuff ALL the time, it has made me really paranoid. I am sick of thinking about it, but I feel like I have to so I can figure out what's wrong with me.

 

Everyone always says "Just be yourself." I have been myself for 21 years, except for lately because I noticed, over the last few years, my good friendships all gravitating away. Now I'm trying to be someone else because being myself doesn't seem enough, and that makes me so mad.

 

catfeeder thank you so much. I like your idea of new friends, people more like me. Admittedly I'm scared that the exact same thing will happen with any new friends I made, but it's worth a shot.

 

Oh, and one other thing: several of my closest friends from high school all moved away after we graduated. 5 of them, over several months. They got jobs or they went to uni interstate or overseas. At the time I was sad but I thought I'd just make new friends. I haven't, they're not the same as those girls.

 

I'm excited that one of these good friends is moving back in July. She will live about 3 hours away, but still, it's better than overseas (where she has been for several years). She might even move back home (my city) for postgraduate studies. She's a lot like me and I identify more with her than anyone else. So that's something I'm really looking forward to....

[Mindelani]

Hi edomestic! When I was reading your post I was thinking wow this is almost the exact same situation that I am in.

 

I am only in my 2nd year of uni but already it's like it's too late to make real friends who actually choose to spend time with me and don't just go to things that I organise. I still have close school friends but they're all at one uni together without me and we are drifting apart for the same reasons. I'm afraid I have no advice for you here, but you are not alone.

 

As for the boys thing, I used to be like this. Ironically it wasn't until my relationship ended that I realised I was a better person than he was. Since then I've become a lot more confidant, and it is very true that if you tell yourself to think positively, and remind yourself of the good things about you, then over time you will believe them. I haven't really experienced the 'if you're confidant the good guys will come to you' thing yet but so many people say it, it must be true right?