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1st Timer - My story


Newbie2010

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Hi all, and I shot myself for not finding out about this site earlier, like a week before hand or months before, but here is my story to share, would love to hear your thoughts as I'm in need for it in the process of moving on.

 

*WARNING: THIS IS A VERY LONG POST*

I'm a 28yo female, who had never been in a relationship ever before in my life. I've dated A LOT but never bother with the time and yes I was 'picky' because I grew up within the ugly divorce of my mother's 2nd marriage. So my view, trust and need on relationship were quite limited.

 

Anyway out of nowhere almost 12 months ago, I met this guy a total stranger but we shared a point of common interest, our hobby. We started as friends, then emailing on the hobby that we had, and soon he started to show signs of attraction. He voluntarily goes in the city to meet up with me every time he knows I have plans to be in the city. Not a lot of my friends share the same hobby with me, therefore I usually organise night out by myself to enjoy my hobby.

 

After a couple of months dancing around each other, I was reluctant the most because of the age gap. He's 4 years younger than me, and I'm much more mature than my age. But people around me were very encouraging, mainly they were dying to see me finally with somebody. One thing led to another, I started to offer my hand to him when he shows concerns for my family. And we became official since then. The first 6 weeks were heaven, we don't see each other often, but we kept in contact with emails and short text. And we planned an oversea trip together which will happen during our 4th month into the relationship.

 

However after those 6 weeks, I arranged a weekend away trip together, where I wanted to tell him a bit more intimate details about myself. You see, I was a virgin then, and I take intercourse seriously, too serious now I think of it. But I asked him straight, if it was ok with him, for we put off the intercourse part, it was personal believe not religious. He agreed to it at first. But from then, not straight away, but slowly, I felt he was distancing, there were no emails anymore. I insisted in dropping him at the airport when he was going away oversea for the 1st time. But I was not allowed to park or come near his house, I had to park around the block and text him, then he came out. He went away 2 weeks with no contacts, when he came back, he didn't say anything to me until days later.

 

I started to feel like being neglected, I thought he was only hanging onto the relationship because we were suppose to go oversea together in 4 weeks times. At various point I wanted to end the relationship but held back because I don't want to hurt him, afterall he's a hobby friend that I don't want to lose. Anyway our communication doesn't get any better, but I was getting use to it.

 

And then it times for our holiday, however I was shock when hearing out his plan of a holiday with me was, we go our own separate ways in the day time, and only meet up at night time in our hotel room to tell each other what we've done on the day. I was made feel like nothing more than someone who shared the accommodation cost with him. The first day on our holiday, I spent the whole day walking around the new place all by myself and was lost again, not knowing what am I really to this guy. Anyway that night, I met another person at the bar (he worked at the reception area at the hotel I was staying at, when I said him what a good place nearby for a drink, he offers his time as well). We had a feel drinks, and being in the lonesome stage as I was, I told the guy I newly met everything from the start of my relationship to now. We were fairly platonic, he showed his concerns, but then started phrasing me, saying that he would be wooing me if I wasn't from another country. Then he also said how I have been giving "blue-ball" to my boyfriend was pretty cruel, and he explained to me why it is so difficult for a guy to accept certain rule in these days. I didn’t think it was such a problem because the Boyfriend never said anything, and I’ve tried to make up for him with other means. I had a good time with the new guy mainly due to curiosity and also while spending time with a perfectly good guy who showered me with so much affections, but I just want to come back to be with the boyfriend who neglected me. I realised then that the feelings I had for my boyfriend was actually deeper than I thought, I knew then that I already loved him.

 

I came back to my hotel room that night, was very excited, and naive of me, I woke my boyfriend up to tell him the experience I have with the guy who works at the hotel reception. To tell my boyfriend that he means more to me because I totally was not attracted to his new guy at all. Anyway, the boyfriend didn't take the news very well. The next night, after a whole day not seeing each other, he came back to the hotel, fully drunk, because he had been drinking and not eating the whole night. Then he broke down and cried, saying that he knew he wasn't good enough for me and that I should just find someone else more deserving, he said that I will never see him again after this trip. He said it all in tears, but I felt sorry and guilt. It was because of me and what I've done that caused him to be in such stage but I also felt closer to him than ever, because he had never opened up to me before and all I've been asking from the beginning was his honesty. In the end, he said he loves me, before becoming really sick.

 

The next day, overcoming with guilt and my emotional for him, I decided to lift the rule, to show him that I am dedicated and fully want to be with him not anyone else. Things started to ease off between us, and we did make love a few days later. We moved on to the new holiday location but his action was not change, he still left me to do my own things and only see me at nights. Even if we were going to see a show together, he would leave the hotel room first and meet up with me at the show.

 

On the very last day of our trip, we had been away together for 2 weeks. That night at 1:30am he brought a mate back to the hotel room while I was asleep in the bedroom. (We have a one bedroom hotel suite). They watched TV and drank and talked for 1 hour, while I was awake in the bedroom not knowing what going to happen. I had most of my belonging out in the living room, getting ready for tomorrow departure. When he finally came into the bedroom at 2:30am in the morning, I asked him 2 times, why did he bring the strange guy back to the hotel? He ignored me totally and just went straight to sleep. I was P off until the next day, we didn't say a word since. Made our own way to the airport, didn't seat together and didn't see each other on the way home.

 

A few days later, I emailed him and basically said that I felt disrespected by him when out of nowhere he brought a stranger back to the hotel room. And that during our 2 weeks away, I haven't spend one decent our together when there were day light, yet he met up with his mates and spent more time with him exploring the city than me. A few days later, he replied my email with would I feel more disrespected if he went out with a girl who was interested in him and I had to look at the girl everyday at the hotel.

I knew I had hurt him unintentionally, so I tried to call, but couldn't get through, so I emailed again, explaining that I had no further contacts with the guy, I said sorry again, but thanks to the guy who made me realised my feelings and said that I love him and want to be with him. Does he consider to let go of the holiday and start fresh. He emailed me back after a few days and said he doesn't think it's going to work and that he's not the boyfriend that I'm looking for. We both don’t deserve each other.

 

That was a week ago, I was heart broken, because despite all the differences in the guy, I loved him and willing to accept him for who he is, all I ask is for him to want to be with me, with I said that numerous of times directly. But I don't see the point of pushing for it when he's already giving up. But what bothered me was, he actually said he loves me, during his drunken stage, so does that mean he doesn't mean it? At first he complains that I put up the barrier, after that barrier was taken down, he just willing to walk away and not take any responsibility. Does that means I'm not as important to him as he is to me? He doesn’t want to spend times with me away from the bedroom and get all jealous over a few hours I had with a local man?

 

His BD is tomorrow, and months before I've already bought him a present. I thought of not give the present, but then I don't want to whole back something that could remind me of him, it was a Bvlgari tie, so it’s not fair for whoever going to receive it later. So I post the present to him. I knew that he has received it, but until now, not a single word 'thank you'. Although I'm not expecting it, but is that a sign of him trying to move on from me or is he just trying to ignore me, when we previous both said that we are happy to go back being hobby friends. I was planning to text him a BD tomorrow, but I realised now that my intention was only to get a reply from him, and that’s seem to be pointless. Although I still want to be with him, but that won’t save the relationship because he needs to be in it as well in order for the relationship to work. So I won’t be making any contact any time soon.

 

If any of the guys is reading this, please tell me if what I've done during the holiday by having a friendly drink with another guy is wrong? Honestly I don't think I was, because I kept my distance and there was nothing more to that night. But judging how jealous the ex was? Could I have done things differently?

 

My biggest disappointment is, I waited for so long before getting into a relationship that only lasted 4 months. Along this relationship, I had put everything I can, apart from that one request which I actually already lifted, but I’ve learned how to knit (knitted him a scarf when he went to London) and I learned how to cook (because he likes cooking). He hasn’t paid a single meal for me, because every time we do something we split evenly. He doesn’t have to pick me up a drop off because I have my own car, he did made his way to my house a few times. I’m more independent than he is, because I’m fully working and be able to support myself, while he is still in his last year doing Medicine, doesn’t earn an income yet. He met my family and been to my house, even attended a Xmas dinner at my work, while I haven’t been introduce to anyone in his life, family or not. So was I being unfair to him?

 

Sorry for the long post, but it feels good to let out.

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wow, this guy sounds like a total inconsiderate jerk. I am really sorry he has been so rude to you!

As far as you doing differently, in my opinion no, you didn't do anything horrible and malicious. If he thinks you going out and chatting with a guy over a drink is a huge problem, then he shouldn't have been such an a$$ on your vacation spending NO time with you. And the fact that he brought a strange man back to the hotel room to get back at you shows just how immature and childlike he is!

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This guy is a first class jerk and you did nothing wrong by having some time with another guy while on vacation..it was just time spent walking around and chatting with another guy and nothing more. It wouldn't surprise me if you "boyfriend" was chatting up other women and possibly even having sex with them while touring the city on his own. I think you are well rid of this guy who has done nothing but disrespect you and treat you second rate.

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this guy is an a-hole. guy sleeps with girl, guy dumps girl. im sorry but he's the typical jerk who is only interested in bedding girls. im sorry u lost ur virginity to him but learn an important lesson - always withhold the sex part until u fully trust and commit to the person. to me, this means at least a year or two. a man who is truly willing to wait and RESPECT YOU (which basically means no tantrums, no cold attitude no negligence on his part when u refuse but instead lots of understanding] is a man who loves you truly. no man who loves his woman will want to force his wishes upon her, especially something as intimate and sensitive as sex. learn this lesson. in future, always protect yourself and withhold the most precious thing until u truly see his colours. a person's true colours will graduallysurfce after about a year of datng. by then, if he's those type that turns cold, treats u badly and ignores u when u refuse sex, or verbally/emotionally abuse you when he's refused, then he's nots omeone who truly loves you, and doesnt deserve you nor the sex.

 

seriously, what u did at the bar with the stranger male wasnt inappropriate. his reaction was ridiculous. u did nothing wrong, maybe it was slightly inappropriate, but it was nothing really wrong with it. its jsut chatting, and at least u came clean so it shows u have no intention to keep him in the dark. his reaction only points to two things 1] hes increidbly immature and childish 2] hes using this as an excuse to force you to give up your viginity, and then subsequently as an excuse to dump you. i sus[ect the latter but in any case it was a blessing in disguise girl. i know its painful, but ridding yourself of such men will prove to be a blessing in disguise in the future when u meet someone truly better, of which there are plenty out there.

 

 

but dont be too extreme too, like my ex-gf. we had a 4 year committed loving r/s but we never had sex at all during the course of our r/s. thats a little too extreme, and i felt too selfish on her part.

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Thanks everyone for reading and commenting. Honestly, I've already known how childish he is and how immature he is before going on the holiday with him (when I booked the holiday, I didn't know all of that yet). Seeing him getting so jealous and bitter about one time spending with another guy shocked me a little, because I didn't think he consider me as much. Going into this relationship I thought nothing but to be honest and open, therefore I don't really hide anything. But he has never been up front with me about his situation, I thought it was the time thing because we were so new and was willing to wait.

 

I don't regret for giving myself out, because I think I've done it with the right reason, just the wrong person. But it the person who I loved, and strangely enough still loving. Maybe it's the female nature in me, that I do feel sorry for this pity boy, who has a lot of potentials but he's losing his motivation and his goal in life.

 

Then again, I'm trying to move on, nothing worst than forcing yourself to be in a relationship where you're not wanted right?

 

It wouldn't surprise me if you "boyfriend" was chatting up other women and possibly even having sex with them while touring the city on his own. I think you are well rid of this guy who has done nothing but disrespect you and treat you second rate.

 

Funny that you've mentioned it, I don't think he's been sleeping around on our holiday, because he doesn't the confident and the money to do it. But he had a few of his mates overthere and they were who he hang around most. But whether there were any funny actions between the matie group. I don't know! LOL....

 

but dont be too extreme too, like my ex-gf. we had a 4 year committed loving r/s but we never had sex at all during the course of our r/s. thats a little too extreme, and i felt too selfish on her part.

 

LOL... I thought about the 'selfish' part before, that why I've tried to make up for it in any other way that I can. I thought I was going ok with it, until the strange guy told met that it was very nasty of me to do that with my now ex especially when we were so close to each other. That's when I don't want to be selfish, I don’t want to be keeping things that precious for me, but causing other misery.

 

In saying that, I don't know how you have lasted 4 years, opened my eyes, very well done.

Oh and I've learned my lesson, it was an expensive lesson, but at least I've gone through it.

 

 

I have another scenario to ask.

When we were over there, before my incident of meeting another guy at the bar, me and the ex was at a show, his friend was also there sitting in a different row but I was never introduced. At the end of the show, he turned to me and asked: "What are you doing after this? Cos me and (name of the friend) going for a drink?"

I just nodded my head and said fine.

 

Later he said that I've refused his invitation to hang out with him and his friend?

 

So is that what guys usually do, they started something, not finish it and expect the girl to guess the rest? Or I should be the one who turned around and begged "Oh could I please go with you and your friend?"

I'm just not a clinging girl.

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