Breakup due to outside reasons: What are the chances of reconciling?

[fuddiduddy]

I'll make this as short as possible.

 

My ex of only 7 mos. broke up with me a little over a month ago. According to him, there was nothing wrong in the r'ship and he said I was "a great partner." His reason for dumping me? He's in a "different place now" due to a very stressful life crisis (the crisis is true, but I'm beginning to doubt that it was the central reason for his breaking up w/me--I'm now suspecting it was a convenient excuse to bail). But I digress.

 

He tried to assure me three times that his decision to break up had nothing to do with me, OR the relationship.--Everything was "great" according to him, and that his "wanting to be alone" is because he's such wreck due to the stress of his crisis. He felt that it wouldnt be fair to "put somebody through all of that" (i.e., his being such a wreck, with mood swings, irritation, undependability, etc.).

 

For about two weeks after the breakup, we did friendly easy breezy LC. During that time, he claims to have wavered between wanting to get back together or remain alone. He chose the latter and offered us to be "friends" (which I'm NOT doing--at least not yet; I haven't told him this.). I've now decided go strict NC and unfriend him from Facebook to save my sanity. He's getting all the space he needs from me now.

 

So, what do you think the chances he'll want to reconcile after his personal "crisis" blows over, given the above?

[rapunzel]

No one knows what the chances are but for your own sake, assume the relationship is over and act accordingly.

 

Which means - do not contact him nor engage in discussions about the relationship, his reasons for ending the relationship, etc. You are doing the right thing to give him all the space he needs. If he has asked for an inch, give him an mile....and then some.

 

People don't decide to break up with someone because they had a stressful life crisis. I would assume he used these as reasons rather than be truthful and tell you that something was missing from the relationship. But please don't take it personally as it really is more about HIM than it is about YOU. OR he was freaking out about the relationship becoming more serious and he bailed (reportedly some men do this). Either way, you are doing the right thing by disappearing for as long as possible, 60-90 days minimum. If he wants you, he will come and find you. Do not think you can do anything to change his mind because you cannot.

 

This is out of your hands. Do nothing. Good luck.

[Civic204]

Simple advice, and I agree. Sometimes doing nothing can actually be the hardest thing to do.

[Hopelives]

Actually, I disagree, Rapunzel on the people don't end relationships because of life crisis.

 

I did. I would rather end things than drag someone through what I recently just did. The emotional toll would be terrible on both parties and subsequently, there is a good chance that either or both of us would change for the worse.

 

Sometimes, respecting another person's need to deal with crisis' and leaving well enough alone is the better option than dragging someone through an ordeal (or two or three or four at the same time).

 

Even now, I would do the same thing and hope for reconciliation when my life settled down.

 

Sadly, my ex - unlike almost every other male poster on here - does not want to reconcile. That is a reality I'm dealing with now.

 

So to the OP: you must decide whether or not you want to hang out and see if things really turn around for him, or live your life and see what happens.

[abigheart]

OP, I got very similar reasons when my ex broke it off, also a little more than a month ago. It wasn't necessarily a "crisis" in that a specific event could be pointed out, but he was also in a "different place" and didn't feel right for some reason and couldn't see himself continuing our long term relationship.

 

I agree with Civic who said that sometimes doing nothing can be the hardest thing to do.

 

I'm struggling right now to maintain NC when all I want to do is just ask how he is and what's going on in his life, not even bring anything up about the break-up or the relationship as it is too late for that. But yeah if he needs his space, he REALLY needs it. And if you do decide to try to be friends, trust me...it's going to be very hard. Every time you hang out/talk to him, you will hold onto some kind of hope afterward, depending on how the convo goes, how you act around each other. So it's best to keep your distance as he after all asked for it. Glad you are taking the proper steps in doing so...

 

No one can say what your chances are of reconciliation. We have no idea what's going on in his mind, no matter what he tells you. It's best to move on than wait around, the hurt will be exponentially more painful when that reconciliation you hoped for doesn't come around.

[fuddiduddy]

Hopelives: I'm glad you chimed in because I have just talked to people who, at one time, ended a r'ship based purely on some personal ordeal where they did not want the other party to suffer. ...According to them, it was a way of "protecting" the S.O. while at the same time feeling they needed to direct ALL of their attention towards the ordeal rather than on the rship. But for this reason (and if it were really true in certain cases) why can't the person with the problem just say they need "space" temporarily until the dust settles? Why initiate a full-fledged breakup, especially if the rship was a good one? That's my puzzle. This is why, in my case, I initially had some suspicion that he wasn't telling me the whole truth. Afterall, why throw the baby out with the bath water!?

 

For me, I just could not wrap my head around the idea that someone would drop their SO at a time when you'd think emotional support would be so much needed.--If it were me, I would be doing the OPPOSITE, and I assumed everyone else would too! Guess that's not necessarily true.

 

But yes, I'm determined to just assume I'll never hear from him again. I'm holding dear to the usual quotes: "If you love somebody set 'em free" and "If they truly love you they'll come back to you." Time WILL tell, but I do need to move on.

 

Gosh, it's just soooooo hard to avoid thoughts of reconciliation.

[Hopelives]

But for this reason (and if it were really true in certain cases) why can't the person with the problem just say they need "space" temporarily until the dust settles? Why initiate a full-fledged breakup, especially if the rship was a good one?

In my case, there were so many things going on - each in its own right is a pretty serious issue, taken together, people in my RL have wondered how I did not end up in a hospital somewhere or dead due to stress.

 

Relationships take a lot of energy to make sure they remain solid, moving forward, trusting, loving.

 

That energy, if pulled aside to tackle other major issues, means the relationship suffers instead. Or all the tasks get handled half-a$$ed.

 

Think of the parent who says I can work full time and by a parent full time but both jobs suffer for it, and neither is done extremely well.

 

In my case, I had a full time job, full time mom, and x - y - z - AA - AB - AC going on as well. I was coming undone emotionally.

 

In my case, I knew what I needed from him to help me cope with my own crap and it was very limited. His own life echoed mine... a mess.

 

We split up. I always hoped we would give it another go when our respective lives quieted down. He does not want that. I respect his decision now.

 

The best thing I can tell you is this:

 

give your guy his time and space

 

date others - have fun, enjoy your life, live your life

 

focus on things you like to do even on the days where your longing for him is somewhat overwhelming

 

I found that if I do those things for myself, the importance on him becomes much less... I still wish we'd have gotten that 2nd chance but I will be okay either way.