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Long distance to love triangle to heart break


doomhammer

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My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 1/2 years. It started in college, when she was 19 and I was 23. After that our relationship blossomed into love pretty quickly. The sex was fantastic as well. At the end of that school year, she decided to transfer to a school which was about 4 hours away. We carried on a long distance relationship that worked surprisingly well for the last year and a half, and made plans that I would move to her town after I graduated, because I was farther ahead in school.

 

Now I'm 26 and she's 22. I finally graduated college about a month ago. But for the last two months, our relationship ran into our first serious problem. She had met another guy, who she honestly really liked. She developed feelings for him (and I'm sure it was reciprocal). She is always very honest with me, and she told me right away about this guy. At first I did what any guy would do, I got jealous and defensive, but we worked through that. She said she still loved me and didn't want our relationship to end, but she was just really lonely and I wasn't there. I can totally understand that, and I have told her time and time again not to feel guilty about this. It's totally natural to seek companionship when you're lonely. After a lot of conversations, she decided to break things off with this guy before they got serious.

 

Now, I am posting this from my girlfriends house in the new town where I just moved to. (I'm not moving in with her, but I'm getting a place this week) We have worked through the problem between us and I feel like our relationship is going to be really solid again now that I'm in the same town again. But here is the kicker - the other guy is a fellow she works with at school, sees a lot of places, and she still wants to be friends with him. And I'm in fact totally ok with that. But she is still upset, because both of their hearts got a little broken after they couldn't be together. I know he had his feelings hurt to. I even feel bad for him.

 

Anyway, I know she still loves me, and she says she wants to continue our relationship. But the excitement and the passion that used to be so strong are conspicuously missing... and I'm worried about what will happen to her, and our relationship, if she can't find a way to be normal friends with this guy. I can't stand to see her tearing herself up over this, and of course I feel a little guilty because I just couldn't be there for her when she needed someone.

 

For now I'm just trying to be patient and gentle, take things slow, and not pressure her to have any sex or anything until she's ready again. But needless to say... I'm frustrated that after all this time at school away from her, and all the stuff I've done for her (which is a lot - I helped her move a bunch of times, have provided a ton of advice and emotional support, I even rode the greyhound bus for 17 painful hours once to see her) she doesn't seem more excited to see me.

 

I really don't know what I'm asking for here, I just want to get this off my chest to someone who is not inherently biased, like my family or friends. Is this a messed up situation or what? Feel free to leave any comments or advice. Many thanks random advice forum.

 

edit: I forgot to mention. Some people may wonder if there is going to be a fight between me and him. She told me he is afraid of me, but I would never use my martial arts skill to hurt someone for such a petty reason.

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Hello doomhammer, and welcome to eNA-

 

 

It sounds like your girlfriend is still having conflicting feelings between you and the other guy. If your girlfriend really wants to make things work with you, she should let the friendship with the other guy go for the time being.

 

This sounds harsh, but its clear that her friendship with him is still fueling her feelings for him, which in turn is causing strife in your relationship. How can she be interested in putting her full heart into a relationship with you, when part of her heart is with this other man? My advice is to sit her down, and talk to her about this. Give her space to decide what she truly wants, even if it is the other guy. You sound like a very likeable and honorable guy, and you've done a lot for her, and you do not deserve to be held in limbo like this. This reminds me of a quote I've seen someplace:

 

"Never leave the one you love for the one you like."

 

I hope this helps you, and again, welcome to eNA, we are here for you.

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How far did they actually get into the relationship?

 

I wonder how serious she is about you simply because I find it a rather lame excuse to seek companionship BECAUSE you are in an LDR. If you are committed, you deal with the distance, not fall into the arms of another man because yours isn't around.

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