Coming to terms with the fact that I'm very screwed up beyond hope

[lkm370]

I have a massive bi-polarish depression, I can swing from so depressed, on the verge of suicide to so happy I can conquer the world

 

I have abandonment fears which result in me:

-Lying

-Manipulating

 

My Lying and Manipulating cause me to:

-have no friends and lose friends

-no one trusts me

-hold a bad reputation, people stay away from me

 

I as stated above, I have a lying problem

 

I have a fear of rejection which causes my lying problem, example:

My friend: Hey do you listen to(some random band that is unpopular)

Me: No they suck ass

My friend: Hey can you take me home from work

Me: sure

turns on car, band that I claimed to hate but actually love is playing on my CD player

now I appear a liar

 

I am very negative and don’t know how to be positive

 

I cant keep friends but at the same time have lost the want in having any

 

I cant hold a relationship but I want one

 

I fear relationships because I fear abandonment and rejection

 

I can be obsessive about things to the point where I’m incuring huge losses over something instead of giving up, example-my car: I payed 5500 dollars for it and have probably put 5000 dollars in it for repairs after only a year, instead of just getting rid of it and admitting it was a mistake, I keep clinging to it and fixing it

 

As you may notice by now, I have a hard time letting go and admitting I was wrong

 

I’m very stressed out, I cant sleep for weeks sometimes and I can go days without sleeping

 

I have a very poor diet but don’t care

 

I have a big anger problem, and the smallest things cause me to explode in rage, I’m very irritable and lots of things bother me, even simple things cause me to explode in un-controllable rage, for example, my wireless internet was taking a little extra long to load, I punched my laptop with my fist, then I regretted it

 

I have a massive sex drive and am always horny but lack the self esteem to get laid, I'm at the point where I'm consering just going on a f**king-spree

 

I have low self esteem and many regrets

 

I hate working, but ive always held a job, but I’m usually such a bad employee, I jump from one job to another because I start to lose hours, get fiered, or am sensing I’m about to get canned, I've held about 10 jobs in the past 4 years, usually only lasting 3 to 6 months at most except for one which i lasted 2 years but that was because I was the only one willing to do stuff no one else wanted, managers even told me I'm an awful empoyee but I'm the only one willing to stuff nobody else would

 

I make stupid choices out of impulse, I decided to move 2000 miles away from home because my heart was broken and was homeless for 3 months, again, instead of asmitting I made a bad decision and admit I lost, I kept on being homeless till I was so malnourished, sick, and in pain I finally decided to move back home, all the while telling everyone it was a success

 

I am very bitter, and hold gruges against people from over years ago and am constantly hoping they get their come-uppings

 

If I don’t like someone, I try to destroy them with rumors and telling people their secrets and then I regret it and want to apologize

 

I am easily taken advantage of and can be a doormat, I cant say no sometimes

 

I almost live of what other people think of me, I deny it to other people, but I cant stop, see do you listen to that band everyone hates example above

 

I am paranoid, and always feel like people are plotting against me or creating situations in my head

 

I cant let go and feel like I constantly have to prove myself to others and “show “everyone who screwed me over in my past

 

I am so ambitious yet lazy and lethargic, I create these huge plans, and then am devastated when I fail because of my laziness and ill-planning, I feel like a faliure and get depressed and then start another ambitious plan to “show” people I’m not a faliure, which results in a cycle of destruction

 

I chronically masterbate and eat to fill a void in me, I will go 2 whole days without eating anything then load up on chips, ice cream, McDonalds, cereal, and then masterbate like 5 times a day, I know laugh away

 

I am chronically lonely and feel empty

 

I don’t feel loved or wanted by anyone and never have, and when someone does want me, I get suspicious and think they have secret motives, after all why would someone love a person like me

 

I am not close to my parents although I do love them and care for them

 

I seem to just always have bad luck, I fail at everything and can’t seem to succed even when I am positive and try really hard

 

…and in the end, I have no friends, nobody wants me, no job, my cars a piece of * * * * , I have debts, my family thinks im * * * * ing crazy, I don’t know what to do, I honestly feel like un-fixable, I don’t even know where to start or what to do, I don’t drink or do drugs nor am sexually promiscuous but its starting to get to that point where I’m considering taking that route to fill this emptiness and boredom,but I know if I did, I would destroy myself.

 

Only now am I coming to terms with the fact that I'm very screwed up and I want to fix it but I dont know where to start or what is my problem to begin with. I have ordered a couple books to read to adress my abandonment issue and am planning to start extercisicing and eating healthier but every now and then I get this huge urge to jump back into my old behavior. HELP?!?

[Lastchallenge]

I think u took the first step already by admitting that u want to change and u aren't happy living this way. Why don't u set yourself a list of small goals on a day by day basis and see how that goes... U won't be able to make a huge change from one day to the next so in small steps u have a better chance n u don't strain yourself... I don't have alot of advice because this is a new topic for me but I'm sure someone will chime in.

[lkm370]

I think u took the first step already by admitting that u want to change and u aren't happy living this way. Why don't u set yourself a list of small goals on a day by day basis and see how that goes... U won't be able to make a huge change from one day to the next so in small steps u have a better chance n u don't strain yourself... I don't have alot of advice because this is a new topic for me but I'm sure someone will chime in.

 

THe thing is I dont know where to start, I have acknowldged my problems and I'm trying to group them in categories and change but I keep sub-couciously repeating them, like I keep repeating the same mistakes over but i dont realize till after, I'm not sure if i should go see a councelor or psychologist of some sort, i dont want to blow a bunch of money and leave the same way i did when i came in

[Perfect Dark]

I would make an appointment with a dr/counselor. No one on here can diognose you on the internet.

 

Do you feel any better venting that out? Hopefully some people with similar issues can help you. *hugs*

[minou]

What are your good points?