Worried about a boy crazy 11 yr old girl with low self esteem

[ex sweatheart]

Hi all,

needing advice about my 11 yr old daughter, she is a beautiful sweet natured little girl... well not so little !!

She has had learning difficulties and emotional issues since being very small and we have worked very hard to get back on track for a few years but she is completely boy crazy, will not or cannot concentrate on school or friendships , her self esteem is very low and i have tried so many things to improve this.

She lets people treat her like garbage esp boys and i am finding it hard to get through to her.

 

She has speech therapy weekly, swim squad, im finding a basketball team and piano lessons for her and talk to her regularly about treating people with respect and expecting the same in return, however im very scared that she will come home pregnant to a loser at 15 like i did.... now don't get me wrong i love my daughter and wouldn't trade her for the world but i want different things for her.

Her father and i had a bad relationship, very violent and abusive , i left when she was 9 mths old but he has popped in and out of the picture since she was small so she has never had a brilliant male role model.

 

any one that can give advice on how to help my little girl ??

[avman]

Have you had her go to any therapists or counselors to talk about this? If not, I'd strongly recommend going down that path. It sounds like your daughter has some unique difficulties in her life already so some counseling will probably be very helpful for her.

[anggrace]

I think you're moving in the right direction. Team sports and a chance to learn she has talent will do wonders for her self-esteem. Not to mention help keep her out of trouble.

 

I didn't have a male role in my life either. Every man that entered my moms and our lives always seemed temporary. They NEVER stayed around... which is probably a good thing in retrospect. But it really hurt my self-esteem and made me very eager for male approval. I dabbled in sports and wish my mom would have encouraged me to stay with it. I also had a lot of therapy. It might of been helpful in ways I didn't realize at the time, but it mostley made me feel something was wrong with me... I think I used it as a crutch. That's not to say your daughter would do the same. Every one responds to things differently. It's good to see you're paying attention to what she might be feeling and doing something about it. You sound like a good mom. Keep talking to her and showing you care. THAT is so importnant in itself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

she is completely boy crazy, will not or cannot concentrate on school or friendships

 

She taking speech therapy and swim lessons. Now you want to find basketball and piano lessons. Where in her schedule will she have time to concentrate on her schooling and homework? No matter what you enroll her in she will still be boy crazy and have low self-esteem because the issues are within HER. All the activities in the world won't change it..she needs to want to changer herself. If she doesn't get good grades then she won't be able to make something of herself because basketball, swimming and piano lessons are not going to get her a job in the future. Focus on teaching her to take pride in her school work, to focus on doing well. Get her motivated to make something of her life..to think of what she wants to be when she grows up...what kind of work she would like to do. Steer her in the direction of future rather than "just for now". If she sees a bright future of accomplishments for herself then she might be more inclined to focus on that than on guys. It is very difficult to get the "guy crazy"children to become less guy crazy. All the girls I knew in school who were guy crazy remained that way...but some were able to also focus enough on their lives to get good jobs and get married to decent people.

[ex sweatheart]

Thank you all for the advice, i think i will definitely look into find her a new councellor, unfortunatley we have been down that road and the psychologist disscussed my daughters case with mutual friends at a function that they both happened to be attending... this has turned me off the idea but i will try again.

[avman]

we have been down that road and the psychologist disscussed my daughters case with mutual friends at a function that they both happened to be attending...

 

Oh that is very unethical. Hopefully you filed a complaint about that. I'm sorry to hear about that but like all professions there are lousy therapists too. I would recommend you find someone else that is more professional. Even a school counselor wouldn't be a bad start.

[ex sweatheart]

Thank you for your input crazyaboutdogs and while i find your opinion valid i also know where my daughters strengths are and due to her learning difficulties school work is not one of them, i have had many meetings with her teacher and the principal as has the speech therapist, the lack of assistance is astounding.. the children only recieved homework twice last term.

Yes my daughter will have a busy schedule with activities but learning reasonable social interaction, team building and the growth i see in her confidence when she learns new skills and reaches new levels in outside of school activites keeps me persisting with these options as well as looking for alternatives.

[Seraphim]

Does your daughter have an IEP and and EA? My son is learning disabled and this has helped him immensely.

[turnera]

You need to find some male role models. That's the main reason she's boy crazy and low self esteem; girls her age learn their 'place' by interacting with the men in their life. Find someone you can trust.

 

I also suggest that you find some sports that YOU can do WITH her - not just competitive sports that she does on her own, as they can cause a lot of anxiety especially if she thinks you expect a certain level of success from her. Start doing sports WITH her - tennis, skating, biking, hiking (excellent, cos it also gives you a chance to have a lot of talking time with her, so she can stay comfortable talking to you).

 

Go to link removed and start printing out their stuff, so you can use it to sit down and read it together with her. They used to have a newsletter I got, and read it with my daughter, and it has amazing stuff that you can both learn from, covering all the topics she'll need to be hearing about. I can't push it enough.