me,my mistakes,taking responsibility

[paulod]

Thought I'd really start to write down how I'm feeling, my thoughts, my hopes etc

have posted a few things on here, just random stuff really about my ex and I splitting up,

the possible causes,how much I miss and love her, how I'm feeling that day, but think I'll start

a diary of sorts, may help me when I look back to see how I'm doing.

 

Okay here goes (quick rundown)and believe me I have baggage and I've done stupid things in this relationship!!

1. A daughter with an ex

2. A mortgage with another ex

 

my ex of 2.5 years split up with me start of feb, our problems started over a year and half ago when she found pictures of a previous ex on my laptop, honestly didn't realise they were there,if I had known, they would have been deleted when we'd split up.

needless to say my current ex went mental, especially as my previous ex was black (current ex is a latina, living in London,think she had issues with black girls before, carried them on to our relationship)this caused major issues for a few months, a lot of re-assuring on my part,her comments started to get very aggressive towards me, things like "Oh I guess that's your type is it" and general comments on how she hates certain types of people (black) saying things I wasn't comfortable with, and generally just constantly going on and on I think trying to get a reaction out of me

Now a couple of months later, been together for well over a year, my ex went snooping and found out that I still had a previous ex on my mortgage,

again she went totally mad!!! I didn't tell her at the beginning of us going out as I didn't want any drama's about how much baggage I had, and didn't want to lose her either, so stupidly I said nothing, it was a business arrangement with my previous ex and tried to sort it out myself but couldn't thanks to the bank not letting her come off.

 

Well as you can imagine, all of this caused so many arguments, I was accused of being with another woman,still being with my ex (who was only on the mortgage in name only)cheating etc and I couldn't convince her otherwise.

As time went on things kinda got normalised, we got back on track, we talked about the pics on the laptop,it was an old relationship ect and I was sorry they were on there but I had no idea they were there.

the mortgage situation was harder on our relationship, I couldn't get the previous ex off due to the recession, my wage not being able to cover the payments (in the banks eyes...although I'd been paying it myself since day1)

but we talked about it and my ex I thought understood,I was due for a wage rise October of last year and hopefully with me doing lots of overtime, i could get my ex off the mortgage and we could move on with our lives.

 

December 2009 - we had a huge fight just before christmas, we'd been out again at a christmas party, got drunk, she'd disapeared for hrs on end after going to the toilet and I was worried about her, after what seemed like hrs looking for her,calling her,getting the bouncers to look for her, going back to the hotel to look for her, generally going out of my mind with worry I found her, in the club, drunk talking to some of my work friends I shouted at her,more out of frustration and relief that she was okay and not collapsed in an allyway,wandering the streets alone drunk etc and it all kicked off

got to the hotel and we had a huge row, woke up next morning with scratch marks all over my face (happened before with her when we've fought)

I said to her that we could never drink again with each other as too much stuff comes up and it's destructive on us. She agreed, we talked, made up and I thought that was that..

 

Was after this fight she became distant towards me, rest of December, all of January she made one excuse after another not to spend time with me, I became very needy and clingy,constant calling her, constant texting her,accusing her of cheating, pleading with her to see me, was very

stressed as trying to sort out the mortgage and was getting nowhere with the bank, worked far too many hrs so I could get the mortgage down, she was pulling away from me, I was drinking more and became a wreck, a complete shell of what I was before, I was a total disaster zone on meltdown

Finally in feb she had enough, ended it, said she needed a break to sort out her head, needed to re-boot completely.

 

I agreed that the break up was best for us both, we needed time away from each other so she said goodbye...

didn't contact her, few days later I got a txt asking me to bring her shoe's and pj's into work (we work in the same building) I was off shift so said I'd do it the next weekend when I was in

didn't contact her again, the next sat, I got a txt ref her shoe's, I replied in my bag on your desk (The stuff is still under her desk in my bag????and she still has photo's of me that I want back, nothing materialised as of yet!)

Got a txt hrs later saying that she knew she wasn't the one? and blaming me for not trying and how she was to easy on me when she found out about the mortgage and my lies. I stupidly replied.

 

I txt her a couple of days later to ask why she hated me now, she didn't hate me at all was the answer.

I txt again letting her know just how much I loved her, was sorry about keeping things from her, wanted so much for us to be together in the future, would never stop trying etc ,she replied that she loved me but couldn't trust me anymore due to everything that's happened and the fighting, we txt some more throughout the next few days and we met up a week later, went on breaks etc, she was very touchy feely with me, very open, I was the same with her..messed with my head big time. That was a month ago, not been in contact since, I've text her that I finally got the house up for sale due to the value going up and have heard nothing back,thought she would have replied as it's the one thing we've argued over and over again about, I don't get it?? I don't want to get back to constant txting her again so have also gone NC

but it really does hurt not seeing her, not speaking to her, not being able to share things with her.

 

 

Point of this post is although it does hurt, the time apart seems to be working for me anyway.

I've taken a big step back and really started to look at myself and how I was, what mistakes I made,what mistakes we made towards each other, How I need to improve as a person, get back to the real me...not that idiot I became!

 

Keeping things/lying to a partner - no matter how small or how good the intentions do not do it,I broke her trust,may be a long time before she trusts me again, be upfront always

Baggage - everyone has it, don't be scared that I've got some, it's part of life, it's my past, can't change it

Forgive - I found that I was actually in the back of my mind beginning to resent her bringing up my past constantly and verbally being nasty to me..I had to let that go

Stop hating myself for everything - yes I made a huge mistake in saying nothing but it was a mistake,wrong choice learn from it become a better person

Cut out the booze - it does more harm than good, and I have cut back a hell of a lot, stopped completely for a while

Work/Stress - have fun times, stay away from work, become the fun guy I used to be, not the stress head you became. I look less stressed now, look younger apparently, my cheeky grin is back

Re-connect with Friends - back doing that, I cut myself off from a lot of them when I was with my ex

Arguments - try and sit down and talk about stuff, no need to shout, take a timeout if it gets heated

Appreciate - We lost our appreciation for each other, became a chore to be together I guess, when it used to be so much fun!we stopped having fun that last few months

 

We should have gone to counciling to try and sort stuff out, she does have a problem where she gets very angry and lashes out as a way to protect herself,I have a problem being open and honest, would rather shy away from the truth if it means less hassle for me. I suspect the last fight really scared her, I saw it in her eyes when she looked at my face, she says she is ashamed at the way she acted,the way she became, I'm ashamed of myself too. We are adults who love each other, we shouldn't have been carrying on like that, that was juvenile behaviour.

 

Seems easy when you write it down and look at it.....wish I'd have done half of the above months ago, wish she had been able to move on from my past instead of bringing it up all the time, we should have looked after each other instead of fighting and pulling in opposite directions.

I'm still kind of optimistic about us, still think once all the rubbish has gone and we've healed, had time to sort oursleves out we may still have a chance together...who knows? I just gotta let her go, I gotta go live my life, be happy again. I do know that we couldn't have carried on with all the bitterness floating about wasn't fair on either of us....

Dunno what you guys think?? probably read the above and go "To hell with that man, you guys are mental being together...doomed relationship there, move on, stay away from each other"

 

It's a bit long but thanks for reading...helps writing it all down, helps getting comments and advice

will update as I go I guess..got to try and stay positive, it's so hard

[paulod]

Daily ramblings...

 

Been thinking about stuff lots today, I'm actually not really a happy person inside, don't think I have been for a long time, yeah outwardly I look after myself, but inside I'm full of self doubt, and lots of it, people think I'm pretty confident...I'm not, it's just a mask I put on, I'm shy, insecure, a geek and I worry way too much. Think that's why I said nothing about my baggage when I met my ex, fear of her running away, fear of losing the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, fear of losing (in my eyes)the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen (an I'm not joking!!!)

So instead of being a man about it and giving her the choice whether she wanted to be with me when everything is out in the open, I took a boys way out, hid it, and tried to deal with it behind her back, get it done so she'd never know...but things have a way of biting you in the ar** and it's bit me big time!!! no more hiding things, be open and honest about everything.

 

Not to say that what happened after with the arguments/fighting, the accusations, her becoming verbally abusive and physical with me was right, she has her own deep rooted issues to deal with, how she channels her anger is the main one, but I should have walked away, taken a time out when she got like that, let her scream as much as she wanted and let her calm down before being near her...but I didn't?? in the end I just argued back, think we both do love each other, want to be with each other but just don't know how to make it work? she's scared of opening up to me again, I'm scared that I'll become a stressed out doormat again with her,become needy again (yukk!) It's been a month since I saw her,time I hope will do it's thing, allow us both to heal, let the stress,anger and bitterness die down, let us remember the good times together, not the last big fight. I do miss her terribly,but I'm starting to see a balance of the positive and negative things we did, we were good together, but the arguments...wow they were sparky indeed!! probably what you get when you have 2 stubborn people unwilling to back down, people starting to un-appreciate each other, we lost our way a bit, lost sight of us, we used to have so much fun together then it just kinda stopped, we stopped being us, Stopped doing things, focused on the negatives, not the positives Became some other people that I don't recognize at all...where did we go?? are we still in there??

So much stuff floating around in my head...constantly thinking about us still...

[FreedomRing]

Hey paul,

 

(funny, thats my ex's name which brought here me a few yrs ago)

 

But anyway, you're story is strkingly similar to my relationship with my present bf.

 

You see, my bf hid some "mistakes" from his past as well, and if not hid enitrely, significantly minimized certain important facts he should have been more upfront with me about, when we first start dating with his ex(and also, mother of his daughter). But like you, (and even your word choice is the same) he "met the woman he knew he wanted to spend his life" and did not want to wreck his chance at possibly having that......sigh. Funny how, by not wanting to screw up your chances with someone, you go out of your way, doing and behaving in such a manner, which is exactly what you were trying to prevent in the first place??!!

 

Even the heated arguments and physicality brought into your fights, mirrors scary point in my relationship..I really sympathize with you, man...

 

I don't have any real advice for you at this moment, bc I am just so shocked at how much our relationships are similar, down to personality traits...(clingy, needy -you and my bf.....crazy temper and full of resentment- your ex, and myself).

 

We are still together, but I can safely admit, that everday is a conscious effort to move forward, and look at the BIG picture...that we love each other, and don't want to be with anyone else...

 

The space does sound like it's allowing you to be more reflective(as it usually does) although I'm sure you are misisng her terribly.

 

What will be, will be...........I think you're on the right pat though....by leaving the alcohol behind, being accountable for your mistakes...

 

One question though....is your daughter's mother, the ex she found the pics of??

[paulod]

Hey Freedom ring thanks for the reply, wow another couple in similar circimstances!! What happened with you guys if you dont mind me asking? The ex on my laptop is not the mother of my daughter,she was just a girl I dated for a while years ago, they were just random ones that I put on there for her to upload from what I can remember,totally forgot about them for years then they crop up!! Must sound like such a mess all this, I really thought we were over the worst I really did, then I started working more to finally try and get things sorted,guess we both stopped being there for each other, her head went into overdrive and she got scared of being hurt again, backed away, I was too focused on sorting out my mistake,got stressed,needy,jealous she wasn't spending time with me,got scared I was losing her,my head went into overdrive,turned to booze to deal with it and the end result is the split. I do miss her like crazy, and would like to think she misses me,misses us, but I dont know? She got tired n worn out with fighting I guess, we shouldn't have let it get that far, we should have sat down and talked about us,our future and the big picture instead of backing off, We both love each other but dont know what really to do now, my life will go on,and in many ways its getting better,wish she was here to share it with me I really do, finally found who I want to be with for rest of my life but its gone wrong and dont know how to fix it. Been a month since I last had contact,so want to speak to her,see her,hold her again...

[paulod]

Yesterday was really bad day, been thinking about her, us, why did she suddenly back away from me when all seemed to be okay before the big fight?why she left me? why she couldn't see how much I was trying to sort stuff out, why she said I never tried ??why why why?? so much was going on in my head I thought I was going to explode last night, I was at work all day yesterday, ended up sitting in the toilet crying my eyes out (again) wondering how it all seemed to be finally going okay...then it wasn't and suddenly she had so many things going on in her head and didn't trust me anymore??

 

Spoke to a female friend about it when I finally calmed down last night (wanted a woman's point of view on what I had to say for a change)

want to see what anyone else thinks to this..

 

Everything was okay when we got back from holiday end of October last year, I said to my gf that I really needed to nuckle down and get the mortgage sorted so we could move on, I could sell up and finally move closer to her and we could start being together and looking ahead. She agreed, we're looking forward to next holiday next year

 

November, she bought a puppy, wanted to spend time training it (naturally) I wanted to start to do a lot of overtime to pay the mortgage,the time we had together was minimal, saw each other at work, did lunches, breaks, she was very tired so didn't see her after work anymore, met up the odd sat in London, spent the day together just wandering about, chilling out with each other. Back to work, me overtime, her tired all the time? down? puppy training.

 

December, much about the same as November, extra work for me, her tired?not bothering?us doing lunches, me now getting stressed that she's not wanting to spend time with me,bickering about it, her retreating, me retreating and drinking more, working longer hrs, my focus was on sorting out the mortagage, that was my priority,becoming grumpy and worn out as getting nowhere with it all, puppy training, her now not answering txts/calls for a few hrs??we agreed to spend the weekend together when the xmas party is on (happy with that!) think it was start of December when she went to the doctors and found she had an irregular heart beat! she's 31, that was such a shock, she had tests, couldn't find anything, more stress all round,she started to back off even more by then, all I wanted to do was spend time with her and fix everything so I worked even more thinking that I could get it all sorted by Jan and then we could be happy (wrong move Paul)

Xmas party, she disappears for what seems like hrs, I call/txt/look for her/taxi back to the hotel, back to club ...found her eventually chatting to workmates, I out of worry and frustration shouted at her...bang!!! big fight!!!

Thought we'd made it up next day but so many things must have been going on in her head. up to xmas and over the holidays the same pattern, working constantly for me so I could fix stuff, her to me becoming less available, me becoming more stressed and drinking more (idiot!) her being totally tired and worn out due to her heart problem..arguing more and the both of us putting up barriers.

 

January was worse, we both had barriers up, and were worn out, my total focus was on trying to fix the big picture!!! her focus was on her, and how we had nothing together? xmas was a shambles, her birthday in Jan was non existent, I used all my money to try and clear things up for us, she didn't see it that way, more arguing with each other, me hitting the bottle hard as nothing I did seem to make her happy, constant txting her/calling her wanting to know where she is, who she was with, her becoming more distant with " stuff going on in her head constantly" I didn't know what was going on??

 

Febuary,more arguing, we split, she says she needs a break to totally re-boot her brain. I was in bits, she just couldn't deal with it anymore,we txt a bit after, she said she loved me but didn't trust me anymore due to everything and due to the arguing. We met up at work and tried to hang out...last time I saw her (a month ago)you could tell we still had feelings for each other, not spoken/seen her since, I did txt 3 odd weeks ago to see if she was okay but not heard anything from her which has caused me to think all sorts again (but havn't contacted her...have been focusing on me, trying to sort me out properly to get back to who I really am, not whoever that person I was a few months ago)

 

When I spoke to my friend about what had happened, we both sort of come to the same train of thought...

 

I was so focused on looking at the big picture, the future, I forgot about the present, forgot about her,how she was feeling stopped complimenting her, telling her how much I loved her, how much I wanted her,how special she was, how beautiful she was, how much I wanted her to be the mother of my future children (we used to talk about that a lot) be together forever....I made it look like I didn't appreciate her as all I did was work, do overtime, stress. In return she thinks that she was never the one for me, not special to me and she was constantly tired,fed up, had her own major problem to deal with which is still stressing her out, she started to retreat,build up walls etc, which caused me to build up walls and it escalated from there..

 

we've not spoken in a while, don't know what she's thinking,I'd like to speak to her, just to see how she is doing as I do worry about her heart and what results she may have got as she did look tired and worn out last time I saw her, but she and I do need space to sort out ourselves...don't know what to do, it's been playing on my mind, but I don't want to push her away by trying to contact her??

My friend thinks I should speak to her or write a letter with my feelings as she thinks that my ex is scared to let me back in, scared to get hurt and stressed again

 

Any constructive feedback would be appreciated greatly

 

Thanks for reading

[Sonicxman]

Paulod, your in the right place, alot of good advice here. Dont put yourself down man, that does not help, two words "positive thinking" 3 minutes of "I'm the man", "I can do it", "I can become better", and "I will be better". We all need somebody to pick us up sometimes and your in the right place for it. Take care.

[paulod]

Thanks for the reply Sonicxman, much appreciated

 

Hmmm okay something weird has happened since I felt like my brain was going to impload on Sunday...for the last couple of days I've found myself not constantly thinking about her?what she's up to, does she still think about me and does she love me, why she's not txt me back in 3 odd weeks, why she's not speaking to me etc

 

I've taken her off the huge pedestal I put her on many moons ago (probably part of the problem during our relationship) and guess what....yep!! she is actually ONLY human! she is not this godess, this fallen angel I made her out to be!!!...she's just like the other x Billion people out there...she moans,groans,farts,burps,has smelly morning breath, criticises,is not perfect by any length of the imagination, she is normal...and guess what, as much as I miss her and love her ....I don't need her to make me happy!! I'm the one who makes me happy, was happy before I met her, I was me!!! not the crying wreck of a man I ended up being (odd how despair creeps up on ya without you noticing and you think it's the norm??) she was an added bonus....an added bonus I fell in love with, but hey! my life will go on, and I will be just as..if not more happy as time goes by..

 

Dec/Jan time I was overweight, looked crap, drinking to much,clingy,needy,stressed, hated myself,trying to constantly please her...car crash of a man

 

April (2 months after the split..) lost a load of weight, look fresh and younger(yayy!!),back at the gym,don't drink nearly as much, eat healthy, visibly less stressed, dressing smart again,slight spring in my step again?? only person I need to impress and please is myself!! and looking forward to meeeeeee time for a bit! annnnnnnd the best bit...I'm not constantly stressing about her! I'm going to love me again.....and because I'm so special Im going to start treating me to a few new shiney toys

 

Time to start thinking about what I have, not what doesn't want to be in my life right now..

[Sonicxman]

No problem, any time, and thats the way to do it. Always be positive, two reasons: its the perfect mindset for NC and its highly attractive. I didnt move on as fast as you, had to find this out the hard way. Had a few difficult times and I thought that I hit rock bottom. Always reaching for a hand (friends/Family) to help me (which never helped), never realiized it was me that had to help me. Remember "Stay positive", because "your the ****ing man and never forget it".

[paulod]

Yeah gotta try and stay upbeat about everything, it all happens for a reason!!

Was a bit reflective late yesterday and today, people now know about me about me and the ex at work, we seem to be known around the building as being together (some even thought we were married!) didn't think we made it that obvious...how wrong I was! so now having the " Can you two just not make it up..talk to her...have you seen/spoken to her...how long since you last spoke?? ohhh nooo...you should try and ring her....have a coffee..work it out.." comments from the women (Think I now know whay my ex has gone off the radar at work)

And the guys are just " Ahhh plenty more out there mate,chin up!! have you seen x or x on x floor, she's single...blah blah blah, when was the last time you spoke to your ex?? ooooo a month....that's that done then etc" . All well intentioned but it gets me thinking about us again, and the what if's creep back in...what if I'd told her instead of keeping it a secret? what if I hadn't got so stressed out and started drinking? what if I hadn't blown my top worrying about her when she went awol in the club?? what If I paid more attention to the small things??..what if I phone her? should I?? will she be happy to hear from me or annoyed?? should I do what the women in here are advising?? or should I do what the guys are advising?? it all just rattles around...the feeling of guilt about me hiding stuff from her has appeared again...(yeah I know, putting myself down again..at least I can now see that I'm being harsh with myself, am able to bring myself back into line after a while unlike before)

 

But the one good thing, I do feel stronger within myself,gaining back my independence (weird how I ended up losing that??) I know what mistakes I made, mistakes that I've looked at and learned from to make me a better person, things that I will not be taking to the next relationship (if there is one) just a pity it was that relationship I had to make the mistakes with. I complicated my life without realising it! best when it's simple.

 

Onwards and upwards as they say!!

[Sonicxman]

-I think your on the road where you need to be. Keep the NC going and you will have better clarity on yourself, and not being needy and clingy and feeling good about being by yourelf, you know, what you were when you two hooked up. Everyone is different, but it hit me hard around the 2nd and 3rd week of NC and then it hit me again after I seen her after 30 days of NC. Now I am at 15 days of LC and I started that right after the end of the NC because we have kids together, things I have noticed about myself is I dont care if we get back together, she was apart of my life then, I know now all her faults that I over looked, just because I was in love with her. Things I stopped doing because of the above, checking her myspace account, looking at her or our photos on my computer and really I just stopped caring. The reason why I told you this, is because I did this for over two years with her, nothing was changing, talking to her, trying to change her mind, showing that I could be a better person, wasnt working.

-Dont go down the road of what ifs, it just makes it worst. Believe me I almost lost everything in my life to what ifs and your right it happened for a reason. I was going to quit my job two years ago to be with her because I thought it was my job that it got in the way. Guess what, I retire in 4 more years, why would I throw this away, my mind wasnt right. Now I know the right person will accept and work through the obstacles in my life, not avoid or blame me for them.

-In the future, when a relationship starts and you know it's the one, show all your cards first. On the link removed website they have PDF file about your personal history (it's for married couples but might fit your situation) so there's no skeletons in the closet. Here is the site link removed

just a thought.

[paulod]

Hi Sonicxman,

Thanks for the advice, it's much appreciated! will defo have a look at that website

 

Something really odd is going on...?? I said in my last post that everything happens for a reason...hmmm well being dumped may have been the best thing that's happened to me!!!

okay wil try and keep this as short as possible..

 

Started my current job about 3 years ago, was debt free pretty much (apart from my old house) thought I was in pretty good shape, just ended a relationship, thought life was going okay...lifestyle was the same as always, think of me, go out get drunk etc..

met my now ex when I started working here,fell for her big time,she is the woman I want to spend my life with etc. BOMSHELL: current job dropped my wage (bas*****) lived my life off credit cards thanks to that, debt up to the eyeballs, want to move to London to be with my new girlfriend (she still lives at home with parents) life is a fluffy dream because we're in love..

 

Fast forward to now..

She dumped me, I had to take a long hard look at myself, and for once I actually saw the type of guy I was in danger of becoming..a floater with no sense of purpose! I never really did this before as my life just seemed to float on and on, although I was in relationships I was never really devastated when we broke up because I knew that they were never the one for me (looking back) so didn't really bother about focusing on myself etc ( does that make sense?? I know what I mean)

okay here's the hard facts..

 

I am in debt due to my job/wage being cut/paying the mortgage on a house that I'm never really in long enough to enjoy/traveling to my work (train fare costs thousands..no really it does!!) I now have been able to fully focus on that...and I think I have a plan in place already to reduce that debt.

 

Due to the debt, problems in my relationship I was severley stressed out without even knowing it...the stress is now a hell of a lot less than what it was, I have a solution in place now that I'm thinking positivly and my stress levels have decreased so much it's unreal!!

 

Drinking, boozing way too much due to my lifestyle in general, I'm leaner, healthier now than what I have been in probably 10years!! yeah booze will creep in now and again when I go out but I now have the mindset to keep it in check, and I don't really want to be the chunky little chap I was before thank you very much.

 

Me in General, I for once am able to focus fully on me, get my life in order something I've not really done before, I just went with the flow!

my thought is this :

Had my ex not dumped me, and had I got the house/mortgage sorted out, moved to London, rented a flat, lived together,kids etc....I'd have been really struggling to pay off all my previous debt/current cost of living, would have led to worse problems in the future for both of us

 

Now that I'm by myself, head has become clearer I've been able to identify problems that if not sorted out now when I'm on my own, in the future could cause serious issues and will lead to relationship problems!

 

And that's not even touching on the emotional stuff my ex and I had going on (which also on my part is being fixed in my head)

I actually feel kinda born again! I'll soon be a new man!!!

 

And that is all down to me being dumped by the woman I wanted to spend my life with!!!!

 

Bloody Hell! I think I may go buy my ex some flowers to say thanks ;o)

 

does any of that make sense to anyone but me??