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A somewhat confusing situation.. A girl likes me but is terrified of my ex.


the_pole

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I had a very interesting and rather drunken party (one that definitely lifted my spirits in terms of my self esteem) two nights ago but afterwards I'm not entirely sure what to do. It's kind of a long story, I figured I shouldn't leave details out.

 

There was a girl (call her Girl1) at the party that I've seen around occasionally, she is my ex-flatmate's sister's friend. I never talked to her before because I didn't figure she'd be interested plus I was in a relationship and just never really had any reason to, but I always thought she was incredibly attractive. Well at this party I had a bit of a chat to her while sharing a cigarette (that she offered) outside. Pretty much said 'Hey, ive seen you round before but never talked to you before, my name is blah, nice to meet you' sort of thing.

 

I spent a little bit talking to her, a friend of hers came along and started talking to us too. At this point my socially awkward Ex (broke up 2 months ago, very good terms, we are good friends and she now has a boyfriend), who seems hellbent on being my wingman and helping me out with girls, comes along and joins in. She says 'Hey so this the_pole(me) guy, he's pretty cool eh? He's single and on the market!'. At this point things got kinda awkward and everybody went different ways. I hung out outside talking to a different person for a bit and then my Ex comes back and says 'I had a chat to Girl1, she thinks you're cute. I told her that me and you are on good terms and I have no problem if she goes out with you. You should go dance with her.' I didn't go dance due to feeling too drunk and not knowing how to dance.

 

After this I went back inside and socialized a bit, including making out with some random girl (Girl2) that pretty much attacked me, that i decided to stay away from a few minutes later (it was very drunken and I'm pretty sure she was on some sort of drugs and I wasn't really attracted to her). I'm not sure if Girl1 saw this or not, but it seems everybody at the party found out about it and most were telling me not to do anything dumb with Girl2, i'd probably regret it in the morning.

 

Anyway, I then sat down on a couch beside Girl3 who I know relatively well and is very close friends with Girl1. She said to me 'hey, dont sleep with Girl2, you'll probably catch something'. I replied 'yeah I'm not really keen eh. she's not my type'. Girl3 then said 'So who do you like?' to which I replied 'Um nobody in particular really, but Girl1 seems pretty awesome'. She said 'Hell yeah, go for Girl1. You should go ask for her number!'. I kinda freaked out at this point as I was drunk and very dizzy and just not in a good state (never mixing cider and wine again), so I said 'uh maybe another time' and just wussed out. Girl3 then said 'fine ill ask for her number for you then!' and promptly left to talk to Girl1 despite me being reluctant about the idea, i kinda got the feeling that this was at least slightly preplanned and that maybe they'd talked about me earlier, but i can't be sure. Not long after Girl3 returned and said 'Girl1 said she thinks you're 'beautiful' but she feels sorry for your Ex. Maybe you should get your Ex to talk to her.' to which i replied 'yeah i might do that'.

 

For the rest of the night I didn't get to talk to Girl1 one-on-one at all but i caught her looking sat me a lot and pretty much displaying all the signs of attraction one could ask for, but she didn't say anything directly to me and seemed really shy. I left eventually but couldn't find Girl1 so didn't get a chance to say goodbye or anything.

 

 

 

Well the next day I texted my Ex and explained the situation, and my Ex said she'd be happy to talk to Girl1 and explain that there wouldn't be any hard feelings (not that they're really friends or anything, just aquaintances). The problem is that my Ex is a strange person and that's probably an understatement. She can be very overbearing and socially weird and I'm worried she might scare Girl1 off.

 

A male friend of mine who knows Girl1 relatively well was hanging out with me last night and offered to help, he texted her and said something along the lines of 'hey that the_pole guy is pretty awesome and good looking eh?'. She texted him back saying 'yeah, but his ex would murder me'. He replied saying 'I know both of them really well and I know that wouldn't happen. In fact his Ex would be happy for both of you'. She didn't reply to this (it was late at night, I assume she went to sleep).

 

So I'm not sure how to proceed. I could just get Girl1's number off one of her friends but I don't want to come off as creepy or obsessed, plus despite the misunderstanding, I guess it would be against her will. I added her on facebook figuring i could chat to her over that but turns out she pretty much never uses it and is yet to accept my friend request. I pretty much never see her around, just at the occasional party every few months.

 

I'd love to ask this girl out but it seems my only option right now is to do it through one of her friends, as well as getting one of her friends to convince her that my Ex will not brutally murder her. It also doesn't help that I don't know her very well and have hardly talked to her (and any discussion of mutual attraction was pretty much done through other people so far) and the fact that I'm pretty damn shy.

 

Any advice?

 

Edit: My friend who was texting her last night got a text this morning from her saying 'yeah i probably wouldn't go there, eh'. We figure that it was the fact that my ex was trying to set me up with her that put her off. Is this situation in any way salvageable?

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Oh God, things got kind of messy it seems.

 

First of all, your friends, ex and people you end up talking to are not Cupid, there's absolutely no reason getting them involved in your love life, it's a private matter and you should hardly ever discuss those things with others.

My ex used to tell a lot of things about me or the relationship to his friends and family, I didn't like it because it felt almost like they were talking behind my back. If you like a girl or want to share something it is okay to do it with a close friend and when you are sober, but don't tell the girl and don't let your friend talk to others about it either.

 

Now, it's not a crime to be shy, it's actually a very common thing, and EVERYBODY is shy with the person they like so it's normal.

Ask those who know her about the places you could find her, don't ask them to tell her anything and don't tell them about your feelings, just a simple question about where you could meet again.

Once you know where she is go and talk to her, get her number and take it from there.

 

If a lot of time passes without any success then try to ask somebody for this girl's number, tell them to ask her if it's okay for you to call but, again, don't tell them you like her or anything.

 

Politely ask your ex to leave her alone and just be patient, I'm sure you can still get close to Girl1.

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