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Broke up after 3.5 years.


davi

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Hey all,

 

My first post here. Been browsing these forums off and on dating way back to around 4-5 years ago.

 

Anyways here is my situation, and I think I know the answer from the few people that I have spoken with in regards to it.

 

I am 23 and the same for my ex. We have been dating for 3.5 years and living for 2 of those years.

 

We just recently moved in with 2 of our best friends to help save some money during my last semester before graduating college. I graduated and picked up a new job and everything has been great.

 

She used to be in college but dropped out and quit community college to find a job. It took her 9 months to find a job and she was in quite a rut. But she found one in December and things have been shaky with us ever since.

 

Ever since this job, she has found this new found "independence" and has spoken about it before to me. We were in a fight in January where we almost broke up because of how things were changing and how she wanted to be by herself. But in the end we reconciled and worked through things.

 

After that, we bought a dog together, and have even started saving money to go toward a house we were looking to purchase at the end of our lease in 4 months. She seemed very excited to do so. Everything was great, minus a few squabbles which every couple has i though.

 

Then one night we were drinking and she basically came out and told me that she thinks we need a break. I was like * * * ! Then after talking more she stated that she thought we need to break up. She said that she wanted to be by herself and did not want to be with anybody. Wanted to move in with our current roommate at the end of the lease and support herself.

 

The next night I began to talk with her again after I walked into our room and she was talking on the phone with a boyfriend she was with about 5 years ago.

 

I asked her what the possibilities are for us getting back down the road as I don't want to wait forever to get back together. She said in her mind none (she was drunk at the time) which makes not sure if she was being brutally honest or not. I think she was.

 

We talked that night for awhile about how she has changed and I have changed and that right now she just needs time by herself. The thing I dont understand is how one day she goes from talking about houses and kids, to being by herself.

 

She has told her roommate who I speak to about it that she does not want to be with someone else. This makes me think that she is not seeing someone else.

 

She wants to remain friends and still live together with us alternating who sleeps on the couch.

 

Any thoughts on how I should move from here. People keep telling me to give her space and keep the communication to the casual talk and let her decide, but that is so damn hard for me.

 

Thank in advance.

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was this the first time u guys broke up? has she done this to you before? i'm sorry to say that regardless, i think it's over. why? b/c the same thing happened to me. people don't change, if this was her first time dumping you out of the blue, then i can understand why you would want to give it a second chance, so you can have no regrets about knowing that you tried ur hardest. but even at that, i gurantee she will do it again, everyone told me and i didn't listen, u need to listen.

 

once someone has a problem with you, and decides to end 3.5 yrs out of nowhere, what makes you think they won't do it again? i mean really think about it. obviously the best thing u can do right now is just give her space, nothing u do will change how she feels. but it's what your NOT doing that will make her realize what she's really doing.

 

in the meantime, think hard about what i said. she will do it again. what if u get back together, spend another 3.5 yrs, have 2 kids and a house, and she blindsides you again?

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Well we have been having problems. I have not been as affectionate as I was before we moved in with our other roommates and other things in general that have been bothering me, I have been taking out on her, except not on purpose. But she swears the breakup is not all my fault.

 

That being said, we only talked about a breakup once before but did not go through with it.

 

I'm still so confused as to why she is doing this. It really hurts.

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I have had problems like this before in the past with an ex. We were on-and-off again quite a bit. It became natural to threaten breaking-up as a consequence to each other, and little did we realize, we didn't care for each other nearly as much as we used to nor how much we should have.

 

It's less of the breakup and more of the things she's said and done. She's been conversing with her ex bf? She's been telling you that she just wants to be alone - obviously away from you. Why waste your time and energy toward someone who doesn't even reciprocate the feelings you have for them? (obviously I am specifically referring to a relationship)

 

What I suggest in moving on is realizing that you need to respect her decision - not just accept it. Realize that you deserve a woman who truly loves you and cares for you and won't put you through that. I wouldn't even remain friends with her - but that's just me. Those who you associate with make a dramatic difference on your life, bottom line. To truly move on you need to spend time on yourself, away from her, out of touch with her. Feelings like what you have for her don't just subside - it'll only create havoc in your head if you continue this.

 

Good luck and I honestly hope you make the non-masochistic decision

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I understand your thoughts completely and I somewhat agree. But the fact is I love her and want to see things work out. She should not treat me this way, but she may really need a break, I have no idea. This is where my confusion comes in. I'm thinking irrational because my world has just been flipped upside down.

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