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For a few years now I have been feeling depressed but I always thought it was just that teen phase or realisation that life isn't perfect and it was part of growing up but last week something happened that really shocked me


I'm quite a moody, unsocial and cynical person anyway but in the past year I've gotten worse. Looking back, I can't think of the last time I ever felt truly happy to be alive and I have always contemplated suicide however do not feel brave enough but that hasn't stopped me from self harming in the past.


Last week, an argument with my mum led to a complete mental breakdown, I was driving around in my car, sobbing hysterically looking for a way to crash my car and end it all. It scared me.


Last year my grandad suddenly passed away, but instead of conventional mourning all I could think of was the inevitability of death and decay of the body. I failed my first year of uni and just lost all motivation. I decided to try things again but the first anniversary of my grandad's death coincided with the final break up of a 2 year relationship. I thought I was dealing with it all fine, logically I can see what I need to do but emotionally I just torture myself.


I can't sleep properly, I feel tired and have constant suicidal thoughts, I've completely isolated myself from everyone and though I try to explain how I'm feeling no one understands. I know what I'm doing is unhealthy but I can't help but think negatively of absolutely everything... it pains me to think I've spent the past 3 years of my life in utter misery, whining and complaining, torturing myself about things which I can never change. Why can't I be happy? I have panic attacks, cry myself to sleep, am paranoid, snap at everyone, I've never felt so bad.


I don't want to be like this anymore so I've taken the first step and made a doctor's appointment. But I'm so scared, I feel stupid for even contemplating I have depression and in my culture its such a taboo, people may think I'm just being silly... I mean what would I even say to the doctor? How can I cope with the treatment? I'm so scared, I don't know what to do.


Its getting to the point where its impacting on my studies again. I have no friends or social life, I don't even have a boyfriend anymore. Its literally just me... I don't want to be alone but I don't what to do to change this. I used to be a confident, carefree girl and now I hate myself so much I feel bitter and twisted, I take pleasure in other people's misery and envy other's their happiness. I tried so hard to please those I love like my ex but it doesn't work because I can't communicate my feelings, affection is something that just feels so unnatural to me...


I guess the biggest fear is what if its something bigger, like a personality disorder?

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I think you are taking a good step in seeing your doctor. I am not sure if you have tried counseling but I think it would be helpful. Also think about ways to feel better such as diet/exercise, and one thing I highly recommend is Mindful Meditation and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy both used together have proven great results and are practiced in many mental health settings even as a substitute to pharmacological drugs. It won't be easy and it may seem like a helpless battle but you NEED help. I am not sure if you are able to build your social supports or have anyone close to speak to but i think some individual counseling then support groups may be a good way to proceed. It is never easy and don't' feel scared. There is such a stigma of mental illness but many people are depressed you are not alone. Everyone has a unique situation we are just living in a different day and age filled with stresses and information overload. Please see your doctor as soon as possible and be honest about your concerns. Peace.

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