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Not sure what to do about this.


JLKLEE

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I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. I would say, overall, our relationship has been good. There have been a few situations here and there where he has been a complete jerk or lied to me but like I said, its been pretty good.

 

However, there has been some problems as of late that I feel are hurting our relationship. I am a BIG trust person. I dont think a relationship can grow without trust. The problem is, my boyfriend keeps lying to me about stupid things. It makes me not believe anything his says.

 

For example, he has multiple times gone out to bars after work. Well instead of being honest with me and tell me he is still out, he will text me and tell me that he is home. Then he will make the mistake of texting me, thinking he was texting someone else, asking about the next bar or telling them he isnt home yet, etc etc.

 

Another example: He is a server at a restaurant. One of the guys he works with was moving back to Colorado so after his last night they all decided to stay after for some drinks. My boyfriend informed me at 1145pm that he was about to go home and text me when he got there. At 210am he finally texts me and tells me hes home. Im mad b/c he told me that he was leaving at 1145pm and he just responds "love you goonight". Well about 15 minutes later I get a text from him saying "Yo ill hit you up when I get home. Im still not home". OBVIOUSLY this text was not to me so I called him. After about the 5th try, he finally picks up. He sounds sooooooo drunk and proceeds to tell me that that text was to me, blah blah. INFACT, he was soo drunk he didnt remember texting me the first time to let me know he got home ok, love you, goonight.

 

Then last night, after hes stayed after work to drink many times this week, he tells me hes having a beer at 1045pm. Well 1am rolls around and I text and call him. No answer. FINALLY he texts me at 3am telling me his phone died and he had been hanging out with this guy (I couldnt make out what his text was trying to say so I am assuming he was drunk). He then told me in like 3 more texts that he was home.

 

These 2 examples are just some of many and Im tired of the staying out late and getting drunk, the lies, etc.

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I don't think I could put up with the lying... He sounds really immature. Plus, if he has no problem lying to you about something so small such as staying out late with guys, it has to make you wonder what else he is capable of lying about.

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You have two problems: he drinks too much AND you can't trust him.

 

I dated a guy who i discovered was lying about his whereabouts. He'd leave me after a date and tell me he was going home, but instead he'd be going to a bar AND picking up women there. Turned out he was also unfaithful and lying about that too.

 

So you have a big red flag here, and i wouldn't ignore it. I wouldn't consider these small lies either, because he is out carousing at bars drinking way too much/too often, and possibly picking up other women for all you know. Those texts he sent could have been meant for other women, or women he was meeting at the bars and taking their numbers.

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You have two problems: he drinks too much AND you can't trust him.

 

I dated a guy who i discovered was lying about his whereabouts. He'd leave me after a date and tell me he was going home, but instead he'd be going to a bar AND picking up women there. Turned out he was also unfaithful and lying about that too.

 

So you have a big red flag here, and i wouldn't ignore it. I wouldn't consider these small lies either, because he is out carousing at bars drinking way too much/too often, and possibly picking up other women for all you know. Those texts he sent could have been meant for other women, or women he was meeting at the bars and taking their numbers.

 

I honestly dont think he is cheating or picking up other women. I know what you mean though. I think the major problem is his inability to be an adult and make adult decisions. Part of the reason I got so mad with him the night that he sent me the wrong text was because he was being irresponsible and staying out late and getting drunk when he had to be at work the following morning. Not only that, but he left he car downtown and took a cab home leaving him to rely on the same guys that were out drunk with him to get up early to take him to work.

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Have you talked to him about how his lying and being irresponsible is making you feel? What does he say?

 

I wonder why he feels the need to tell you he's at home when he's really still out. Is he afraid that you'll get mad at him for being out too late (not that this would justify him lying to you)? It just seems like something strange to lie about.

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It doesn't matter if he is cheating. What matters is that he feels he has to protect himself from you. That means he doesn't see you as an equal, but an obstacle. Pretty common in a lot of men, actually, who are raised to see women as a ball and chain, and it's their duty to get what they want no matter what SHE wants.

 

Best to find someone with more maturity and morals.

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Have you talked to him about how his lying and being irresponsible is making you feel? What does he say?

 

I wonder why he feels the need to tell you he's at home when he's really still out. Is he afraid that you'll get mad at him for being out too late (not that this would justify him lying to you)? It just seems like something strange to lie about.

 

When we end up talking about it, he tells me that he says hes home so I wont get mad he is out late.

 

The thing is, Im very easy going about stuff and I dont mind if he wants to hang out with his friends. The problem is when it becomes excessive and immature behavior becomes involved, like staying out getting drunk til 3am when you have to be at work the next day.

 

That stuff is just a HUGE turn off to me.

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That would be a huge turn off for me too. Plus, the lying on top of it is just plain disrespectful to you. It kind of sends the message that he's going to do whatever he wants regardless of how you feel, and will just lie about it to avoid having to deal with any fallout with you.

 

If this doesn't change, do you think you can put up with this? He sounds really immature, and like he's having trouble dealing with responsibilities in his life (not only you, but work too).

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He is still young.

But I wouldn't appreciate it if I were you. You sound more mature than he is.

 

see I would agree that he's still young if I was talking about engagement/marriage/babies.

 

But he's not young when it comes to be responsible, acting like an adult, and being honest, especially as a college graduate pursuing a professional career

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Well, i guess you have to decide then whether you end up feeling too much like his mother and having to preach to him things he should already know and stop doing as an adult.

 

Emotional maturity is not based on age... some people are still staying out late and getting drunk in bars in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. So you have to decide whether the bar hopping is something you want to have in a partner or not... if you really don't like it, perhaps he's just not mature enough for you as a person.

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Get him this link removed. It's a great, quick read for guys about how you can have what you like to do while also being in a relationship, as long as you approach it logically.

 

Actually, the entire website is amazing.

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