(Female) Dumpers: What kind of contact (from a dumpee) do you find positive or attractive?

[happypeople]

Hi there.

Of course I know the effect and importance of NC. (and it's written so much about it in here, so let's see it from another angle) But what if some of you dumpers expect the dumpee to show how much he/she wants you back? I'm not sure that ALL dumpers would interpret contact from a dumpee as weakness?

 

If you're a dumper (sorry about that terminology) and maybe are a bit unsure about what you want, sending mixed signals to your ex:

What kind of response from your ex would frightened you?

And what would be attractive or positive in relation with reconciliation?

 

(if you find time since break up as essential, please specify...)

 

I'm not looking for a specific method, but some thoughts from your perspective...

[Cognitive_Canine]

I would like it best if they just went off on their own to heal and move on.

Maybe we could get back together years down the line...you never know.

 

But, for the most part, when I dump someone, I am done with them.

[Tangz]

Interesting thread... I think in general, what kind of contact do you like from the dumpee? Assuming you weren't wanting them to disapeer/be out your life altogeather

[shes2smart]

When I've been the one to end a relationship, there was no contact from an ex that I would've found positive or attractive. None. What. So. Ever.

 

Then again, when I've been the one to end the relationship, to me, it's a done deal - I know I've done all I can do/am willing to do and I'm done.

 

I once had an ex contact me by sending an email to me at work some 3-4 years after a nasty break-up. I had long since moved on and was, in fact, married when I got his email. I had also moved accross the state and taken another job on top of using a different name. His out-of-the blue contact was not only unwelcome, but a little stalkery-creepy. I let my husband answer the email. Haven't heard from the ex since.

 

 

I suppose for someone who was unsure of their decision to end the relationship, there's some kind of contact from an ex that might be welcome or attractive...but I'm at a complete loss to understand that, being of the mindset that if someone sees breaking up as their best option, there's no going back.

[HeartGoesOn]

None...

 

Sorry to be blunt about it, but when my mind was made up there was nothing left. This was not recent, it was over 3 yrs ago.

[Nearbot]

I'm with everyone else. I find any contact from them really annoying after I break up with them.

[jellysandwich]

What's the point of this forum then? Apparently, everyone who does the dumping considers it over, done, fin.

[shes2smart]

What's the point of this forum then? Apparently, everyone who does the dumping considers it over, done, fin.

 

I'd heard technology was making the world smaller. Apparently it's true. I mean, if "everyone" = 4 people who chose to respond to this thead that's 2 hours old, the world has become very small indeed.

[Cognitive_Canine]

What's the point of this forum then? Apparently, everyone who does the dumping considers it over, done, fin.

 

My ended up getting back with my boyfriend. But, he dumped me in that case. He regretted it almost immediately.

[shessofly]

None...if I get to the point of having to break up with someone, they have exhausted me emotionally and it is over and done with.

[GenoGeno]

This thread is interesting to me because my ex kept on talking to me haha. The complete opposite of what all of you are saying you'd want.

[tintin_K]

One time, I dumped a guy and I kept contact becasue we both wanted to stay in touch. It was a very teenage thing and I guess I was not really in love with him. 12 years later, we are still very good friends.

 

The other time - I dumped a guy, he said 'fine, have a good life'. We were NC for 2 weeks, I apologised to him, got back together and a year later married him

[Ms Darcy]

One time, I dumped a guy and I kept contact becasue we both wanted to stay in touch. It was a very teenage thing and I guess I was not really in love with him. 12 years later, we are still very good friends.

 

The other time - I dumped a guy, he said 'fine, have a good life'. We were NC for 2 weeks, I apologised to him, got back together and a year later married him

 

People are going to love your story! Why did you dump him?

[Animelover6764]

One time, I dumped a guy and I kept contact becasue we both wanted to stay in touch. It was a very teenage thing and I guess I was not really in love with him. 12 years later, we are still very good friends.

 

The other time - I dumped a guy, he said 'fine, have a good life'. We were NC for 2 weeks, I apologised to him, got back together and a year later married him

 

yea tell us

[ev1782]

Generally from watching friends around me where the female was the dumper,,,the guy generally moved on and no contacted the femaleand started talking to other girls making the ex jealous. Eventually the ex wud break no contact and that's. Usually how its happened.

 

I think a lot of the womenhere who posted, once I'm done with relatioship that's it I'm done, all had bitter brutal breakups and probably bad relationships cause the question wasn't are u completely done wit a man after u break up with them...the question was,,,wat ammount of contact is acceptable/attractive to a female dumper.

 

But the answer is nno contact no matter how good orbad the relation and break up was. Cuz the point of nc is to heal and grow.

[tintin_K]

One time, I dumped a guy and I kept contact becasue we both wanted to stay in touch. It was a very teenage thing and I guess I was not really in love with him. 12 years later, we are still very good friends.

 

The other time - I dumped a guy, he said 'fine, have a good life'. We were NC for 2 weeks, I apologised to him, got back together and a year later married him

I am ashamed to say that I didn't really like the first guy a lot. But he persued me relentlessly. I enjoyed the attention and when I had too much of it, I broke it off with him.

The second one - again, I didn't want things to get too serious at that time. So I broke it off. Then I realised that I really loved him - so apologised. Thankfully, I didn't have to do any explaining as such. We just got back to where we had left off two weeks back.

[Lonewulv]

What if the girl who breaks it off, tells you they don't love you anymore. Then, 20 minutes later tells you they do love you and gives you a big kiss, and that they need time to think. Then 5 days later they are introdused to a New Guy and become completely indifferent and say they REALLY have no feelings for you anymore, but they "hope we can be friends one day". you tell them it would be best not to speak anymore, then three weeks later they contact you for nothing really important. Then two days ago the playfully prank call your house....

 

What kind of contact would THIS girl accept?

[dre760]

What if the girl who breaks it off, tells you they don't love you anymore. Then, 20 minutes later tells you they do love you and gives you a big kiss, and that they need time to think. Then 5 days later they are introdused to a New Guy and become completely indifferent and say they REALLY have no feelings for you anymore, but they "hope we can be friends one day". you tell them it would be best not to speak anymore, then three weeks later they contact you for nothing really important. Then two days ago the playfully prank call your house....

 

What kind of contact would THIS girl accept?

 

ignore her. She doesn't deserve any contact from you. You can do better than her.

[thedude27]

This thread is interesting to me because my ex kept on talking to me haha. The complete opposite of what all of you are saying you'd want.

 

 

lol yea mine too after the initial NC. Now she keeps trying to "be friends" and clearly misses me. I guarantee in the first 6 months she would have been on this thread saying "never".

 

I think there is a period immediately following the breakup that there isn't any contact that is attractive, if you are in that period its best to just move on and perhaps later on something will happen.

[happypeople]

lol yea mine too after the initial NC. Now she keeps trying to "be friends" and clearly misses me. I guarantee in the first 6 months she would have been on this thread saying "never".

 

I think there is a period immediately following the breakup that there isn't any contact that is attractive, if you are in that period its best to just move on and perhaps later on something will happen.

 

 

First of all: I appreciate the dumpers straightforward answers! I think we dumpees have to realize what may be the (most common) reality. Many of us are in here to search for advise or heal or share valuable experience. I guess MOST of us are dumpees, and I'm not sure if the response, on the whole, is for the best to us? (I don't like the idea of potential false hope, even if it's meant for the best)

 

BUT, happy reconciliations exist! And if so? > At some point a dumpee must have been in contact with a dumper. In my particular case, my ex is contacting me - telling how good I am, how much she miss me, question why we aren't a couple and so on. This doesn't make any sense to me, because I read them as mixed signals. It's 7 months since the break up. Enough about that...

 

Opinions from more dumpers (or dumpees)?

[squirl]

When I've been the dumper (every time except the last), I think all forms of contact within 2 months merely irritated me or evoked a mixture of annoyance and pity.

 

When I have wanted to get back together (once), I was very appreciative that the guy immediately took my calls and canceled plans with others he was casually dating to get back together. I was on the fence anyway but his willingness to forgive and try again brought it back. I had mixed feelings when I did get in touch and likely would have quickly lost interest if he had played some form of "hard to get."

 

In the end it did not work out, but we gave it our best shot and made a real effort to have a relationship.The reason we broke up had nothing to do with push-pull or thrill of the chase. We had incompatible values, and neither would have been able to change for the other.

[happypeople]

I had mixed feelings when I did get in touch and likely would have quickly lost interest if he had played some form of "hard to get."

 

Very interesting. Because I MIGHT have played a little hard to get. It's not my wish to play, but I want to make sure HER intentions are clear. I don't want to be the doormat when she's feeling blue or something... It's a thin line.

That makes me think: Why do we always complicate it? Playing games... Afraid to do something wrong, instead of eager after doing something right... I guess that's why ENA rocks!?

[Ms Darcy]

I am ashamed to say that I didn't really like the first guy a lot. But he persued me relentlessly. I enjoyed the attention and when I had too much of it, I broke it off with him.

The second one - again, I didn't want things to get too serious at that time. So I broke it off. Then I realised that I really loved him - so apologised. Thankfully, I didn't have to do any explaining as such. We just got back to where we had left off two weeks back.

 

I think the difference is that you really loved the second one and not the first. Fun story.

[Ms Darcy]

Very interesting. Because I MIGHT have played a little hard to get. It's not my wish to play, but I want to make sure HER intentions are clear. I don't want to be the doormat when she's feeling blue or something... It's a thin line.

That makes me think: Why do we always complicate it? Playing games... Afraid to do something wrong, instead of eager after doing something right... I guess that's why ENA rocks!?

 

You can avoid that by telling her what you want.

[fitzox]

It looks like most of the dumpers at ENA don't appreciate any contact from the dumpee the first 2-6 months after break up whatsoever... Nice to know but I guess there may be some exceptions?