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Left for someone else


Etoile

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Hi, I'm new to this forum (although I've been reading many of the posts on this forum for a few weeks and have found them very helpful). I would be really grateful for some advice and/ or opinions. To cut a long story short, about three weeks ago, my partner of 2 and 1/2 years broke up with me saying he was no longer in love with me. I found out the next day that he had already started seeing someone else. They hadn't been dating long (about a month), but they had been discussing going out with each other for a couple of months and they're even planning, if they can, on moving in together soon. He said he hadn't been in love with me for months (although he kept changing the exact timeframe) and only stayed with me because he was "choosing" between me and her. To say I was shocked and devastated was an understatement. However, although I still have a lot of up and down moments daily I am starting to feel a bit better but I still have questions. One thing that plays on mind is the woman he left me for was the complete opposite of me: outgoing, confident, older and plumper. I know that you don't know the exact nature of our relationship but do you think it is a coincidence she is completely different to me or that he chose her because she was different? I mean to say do people who leave their partners for someone else usually choose someone who is completely different?

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He's just not the right person for you. You don't have to be feel sorry that you are different to her. There's nothing dealing with this. He's just looking for an excuse to explain nothing. You have to seriously think what's going on between you and him. Do you feel he's compatible for you? Have you been spontanous? Have you ever planned anything further up?

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Thanks for your replies. I'm not a confident person (I am going to work on it). I have enough confidence to know that the new person is not better than me. I just wanted to know if he was more attracted to her because she is so different to me. I know now that he is not the right person for me because the right person for me would never have treated me like that. I used to think we were compatible. We are both introverts and hold the same beliefs (religious, political etc). I've had a few weeks to reflect and guess that it takes a lot more to be compatible. I don't think I have really been spontaneous. I guess that is something to think about for the future. As for plans we made together we didn't make any fixed plans I suppose apart from living together and where we would live. He got upset once when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted children. We resolved this and I do want children. We even discussed how many we wanted but thinking back it was more of what we each wanted rather than together. Marriage was alluded to although we didn't seriously discuss it. I really thought that he was the one that I wanted to marry, have children with and grow old with. I thought about it a lot. I wished we'd really talked about it but I think I was too afraid to discuss it with him and with hindsight that is a really bad sign.

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My last ex went out with 2 girls exactly like me after the break up. But honestly? It didn't matter what they were like, or what they did together. Once he said he didn't love me anymore it didn't really matter what he did with his time.

 

So try not to torture yourself with images of this woman. The truth is- you just weren't it for him. But trust me, there is a guy out there for you... and why you find him you will blow his mind!!

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I ask about the confidence because that can be a big part of attraction. I dated a girl some years ago who somewhat wishy-washy in her thoughts and beliefs (lots of "I don't know"'s). She would always ask what I thought about this or that aspect of her - always looking for reassurance. It was really unattractive. Even though she was physically beautifully, her personality eventually turned me off enough so that I ended things.

 

I can't know all the details of your situation, but I would say it's always a good thing to work on your confidence. It will help you in all aspects of your life.

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I don't think it was because I'm not confident that he left. We were together 2 and 1/2 years and lived together for nearly a year before he moved away and our relationship became long distance. I've thought about it a lot and I think if it were my lack of confidence then I think he would have left me after we moved in together. I might not be very confident but I'm definitely not wishy-washy. I have my own opinions and I don't feel I need reassurance on everything.

 

Getting back to my original question. I think the reason I asked was because I was wondering if he had left me for this other girl because "the grass is greener on the other side" or "out with the old in with the new". I don't really think it is true now. Probably had nothing to do with this other girl. I'm thinking now it had more to do with the long distance relationship. There were also other things going on in his life. His brother was moving abroad for three years and he (my ex) had a lot of financial worries. I guess it must have put stress on our relationship.

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  • 1 month later...

The other posters are right about it being unimportant in the great scheme of things but as it's playing on your mind then I'll tell you something I read somewhere (can't remember where, sorry!)

When someone leaves us for someone else and effectively starts a relationship with that person before ending things something called the 80/20 rule can come into play.

In a fairly stable longterm relationship you can expect to be getting approximately 80% of what you need and 20% of what you want. Someone new and exciting comes along with that complimentary 20% of what you need and 80% of what you want and all of a sudden you're complete.

"Wow" you're thinking "this person is perfect" not realising that the original 80/20 is being supplied by the original partner. You move into the honeymoon phase with the new person and go merrily off to live in cloud cuckoo land with them until the happy chemicals wear off. Whatever happens down the road is too variable to predict but basically this is probably the reason why he fell for someone so different to you. He was making a piecemeal relationship out of the two of you. You need to bear in mind that this says absolutely nothing about you, it simply tells you what HE is looking for in a partner. That and the fact that he doesn't have the decency to end a relationship before getting involved with someone else. I think the later is the most important point to hold onto.

Oh and you might also hold onto the thought that it's generally dumpers like these who behave is such a crass manner that tend to get the overwhelming guilt trips way down the road and turn up on your doorstep. By that time you'll be well and truly over him and can taunt him for having a tiny penis

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