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when to bring up possible dealbreakers?


americanhoney

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I'm just getting back into dating after long marriage and substantial recovery time following divorce. One thing I've learned is not to talk very much before meeting in person - stay emotionally uninvolved! But I'm wondering at what point should one ask about, or disclose, any possible dealbreakers...? Like if he has four ex-wives, ten kids, mafia family, etc. Not saying they are dealbreakers for everybody, but just so the other person would know before going out. I'm talking about possible dealbreakers regarding myself as well - at what point, and how?

 

and, out of curiosity, do you have any major/minor dealbreakers, or would it just depend on positives outweighing them?

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Upfront I tell them the definite dealbreakers: children, chauvinist attitudes, just looking for sex, etc. Why waste my time if they aren't what I'm looking for? When I did online dating I stressed these upfront before we met. Previously married and obesity are highly likely dealbreakers, but could depend on the situation. Outside of these, I don't have a lot of dealbreakers. For instance I don't care if a guy still lives with his parents (the guy I like does and he's 42), nor do I care if a guy has a degree, though I have two. Even job really isn't a dealbreaker because the economy stinks (though if he is a career fast food worker or unemployed because he's lazy these are completely questionable).

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I wouldn't list dealbreakers, that makes you come accross as someone demanding. Instead, just look for them. Find out if you have similar goals.

 

'I won't date you if you don't want children" sounds controlling and like you have an agenda.

 

"I would love to have 2-3 kids one day. how about you?" on the 5th day is approachable.

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Well if you are dating from an online dating site, usually there are some things you can pick up from their profile, such as whether the person wants/has children, religion, alcohol use, etc. Everyone has certain dealbreakers so having some yourself is certainly reasonable. Only you know what you can and can't tolerate.

 

I think your approach here is key. I would go out with the person and during the date, ask general questions that will give you information about who the person is and what they want in a relationship. I wouldn't quiz him like he's in a job interview. That would not be fun for him and could alienate him. I would just have a conversation with him and during that conversation, things about him (and you) will be revealed. Then you can decide if you want to see him again. I think that is the whole point of dating, especially at the beginning.

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