starloving Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Me: mid twenties... married. Him: mean, abusive ( mentally and physically ) I love him. but he's hurt me so much. Him: I promise to change... Me: I met someone. I like him. He treats me like a princess and respects me. No intimacy yet. I'm looking for some input, not insults. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catdancer Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Easy fix! Ditch the douche bag and date the nice guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMK Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Pretty simple to say, maybe harder to implement. You must feel trapped where you are right now since you are being abused physically and mentally and have not left. So it is about finding the courage to leave FIRST. Then, once you have cut your ties with this abusive horrible man, you are free to date whomever you like whenever you like. I don't think even abuse is a grounds to cheat. It is an EASY excuse to leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 As Cat Dancer says. What are you waiting for? Hermes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starloving Posted April 8, 2010 Author Share Posted April 8, 2010 Easy fix! Ditch the douche bag and date the nice guy. Thank you I want to leave him, but in all honesty, I am afraid, of him hurting himself or me. I am so terrified of waisting my whole life with someone who loves me in a really weird way, and me being misserable for life. I wish it was an easy fix. Thank you so much though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechResQ Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 You are miserable. You deserve a happy life. That cannot be attained living under someone's reign and abuse. You cannot worry about what he might do to himself (that is his choice and his alone). I will say, that most abusers will use the threat of killing themselves to make the abused stay with them. It's another form of control. (believe me, I speak from experience). There is no excuse for abuse. NONE! Get out now, get a restraining order if you have to. Be Strong and Stay Strong. Go find your happiness out from under him. God Bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catdancer Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 It is only as hard as you make it. You must adopt the motto "the only person that I can control in life is myself". I learned that from Al-Anon. So, you must put thoughts of him hurting himself out of your mind, as you cannot be responsible for him. But you are responsible for you. So, find a safe place to stay, pack what you can and get the hell out. File a restraining order if you have to, to keep the mean ass away. File for divorce. Get the paperwork done asap because until you file or are separated for a certain length of time, he can say that you are cheating. So, get out and file asap!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Thank you I want to leave him, but in all honesty, I am afraid, of him hurting himself or me. I am so terrified of waisting my whole life with someone who loves me in a really weird way, and me being misserable for life. I wish it was an easy fix. Thank you so much though It's not an easy fix, but since you can't have both of them, you have to make a choice. At this point, you're going against your marriage vows, can you live with that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechResQ Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 It is only as hard as you make it. You must adopt the motto "the only person that I can control in life is myself". I learned that from Al-Anon. So, you must put thoughts of him hurting himself out of your mind, as you cannot be responsible for him. But you are responsible for you. So, find a safe place to stay, pack what you can and get the hell out. File a restraining order if you have to, to keep the mean ass away. File for divorce. Get the paperwork done asap because until you file or are separated for a certain length of time, he can say that you are cheating. So, get out and file asap!! Seems Catdancer and I are on the exact same page on this! You do need to get out while you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shortpants Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 I was married to an emotional abuser for 7 years. It was the threat of him getting physical that really made me snap to and realize I needed to get the hell out of that situation. You need to make sure that if you choose to leave, you make a plan and do it safely. Even if it means biding your time for now. Make sure you have a safe place to go (preferrably somewhere that he won't be able to locate you, even if this means a shelter), if possible save some money so you are not broke, but if you can't this won't be the end of the world. If he threatens to hurt himself, so be it, big fat case of not your problem anymore. As long as he can't hurt you, you are fine. And more than likely it is just empty threats anyways. Realizing that you deserve so much more out of life is an awakening you will have to come to on your own. We can offer advice and support, but one day you will wake up and say, "Dammit, I've had enough, I deserve more!" and that will be the day you take that first step. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. Keep your head up and keep reminding yourself that you are worth it!! No one deserves to be abused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starloving Posted April 8, 2010 Author Share Posted April 8, 2010 You are miserable. You deserve a happy life. That cannot be attained living under someone's reign and abuse. You cannot worry about what he might do to himself (that is his choice and his alone). I will say, that most abusers will use the threat of killing themselves to make the abused stay with them. It's another form of control. (believe me, I speak from experience). There is no excuse for abuse. NONE! Get out now, get a restraining order if you have to. Be Strong and Stay Strong. Go find your happiness out from under him. God Bless. Thank you. I've tried before, but I always get stopped at the door.. begged not to leave. Once he even held me on the ground and covered my mouth as hard as he could so our neighbors didn't hear my screaming. My friends have no idea, nor does my family, I only have my dad, who I don't talk to very much. Im really am not trying to make up excuses, God knows I'm not perfect. I'm torn because this man I've met is incredibly nice, handsome and treats me like no one has before. I feel bad talking to him... and at the same time I feel like all men are equal, just like my husband. This relationship is killing me.. and Im letting it, because I feel I have no choice, for appearances and conflict. maybe I need consuling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shortpants Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Oh yeah, btw... Welcome to ENA!! Great group of folks here (as you can see) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Thank you. I've tried before, but I always get stopped at the door.. begged not to leave. Once he even held me on the ground and covered my mouth as hard as he could so our neighbors didn't hear my screaming. My friends have no idea, nor does my family, I only have my dad, who I don't talk to very much. Im really am not trying to make up excuses, God knows I'm not perfect. I'm torn because this man I've met is incredibly nice, handsome and treats me like no one has before. I feel bad talking to him... and at the same time I feel like all men are equal, just like my husband. This relationship is killing me.. and Im letting it, because I feel I have no choice, for appearances and conflict. maybe I need consuling. Counseling might not be a bad idea. You need to learn how to break that cycle of abuse. Abusers will tell you anything you want to hear, just to keep you close yet they won't change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechResQ Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Thank you. I've tried before, but I always get stopped at the door.. begged not to leave. Once he even held me on the ground and covered my mouth as hard as he could so our neighbors didn't hear my screaming. My friends have no idea, nor does my family, I only have my dad, who I don't talk to very much. Im really am not trying to make up excuses, God knows I'm not perfect. I'm torn because this man I've met is incredibly nice, handsome and treats me like no one has before. I feel bad talking to him... and at the same time I feel like all men are equal, just like my husband. This relationship is killing me.. and Im letting it, because I feel I have no choice, for appearances and conflict. maybe I need consuling. wow...my ex-husband did the exact same thing to me many times. Believe me, it will escalate to further and more violent acts. I know you are afraid, I know you have no idea what to do if you leave. You need to make a plan, like others have suggested. Make a plan and stick to it. Leave when he isn't home. You really do need to tell someone close to you about what is really going on. Your Dad, a friend, a shelter in your area...you need support and help right now. Please be safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speranza Posted April 8, 2010 Share Posted April 8, 2010 Sweetheart, if you are afraid of hurting yourself then you need to leave, don't you. Because it's hurting you to stay, irrespective of who you do or don't see afterwards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casanova4life Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 classic case of logic versus emotion. logic= ditch the abuser and get on with the new guy. emotion = stay with the abuser and hope he will change for the better. lets be honest if we all played by logic site like this one wouldnt exist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starloving Posted April 9, 2010 Author Share Posted April 9, 2010 Would he ever change? Is nice at times, but when hes not, hes almost like a monster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starloving Posted April 9, 2010 Author Share Posted April 9, 2010 wow...my ex-husband did the exact same thing to me many times. Believe me, it will escalate to further and more violent acts. I know you are afraid, I know you have no idea what to do if you leave. You need to make a plan, like others have suggested. Make a plan and stick to it. Leave when he isn't home. You really do need to tell someone close to you about what is really going on. Your Dad, a friend, a shelter in your area...you need support and help right now. Please be safe. Hey TechRes, he did this on the beggining of our relationship, he hasn't done it for a while, but he is nice at time, and when he is, I feel like Im inlove again and my opinion of him changes, EVERYTIME.. but when he desides to be mean and blame all his frustriations on me, he becomes a total different person. The meanest, the most offensive, degrating, derrogative person to me, when hes mad, he loves to humiliate me. He doesn't use bad words because he is well mannered and comes from a really wealthy family. Hes incredibly superficial and materialistic. when he doesn't like something I'm wearing to step out if the house, he will make it clear... and the list goes on and on.... Since you seem to have been in a similar position, is this normal??? is it really this hard to be married? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
monkeygirl12 Posted April 9, 2010 Share Posted April 9, 2010 starloving im in a situation with my bf that is the same, he is loving and makes me fall in love when hes nice, but then when we argue or disagree hes a monster. calls me small minded, dumb as f*** etc etc its horrible..im beginning to detach myself slowly but surely.. i know it takes time for that to happen to the abused woman and i think its happening to me....i pray everyday.. PS: its not this hard to be married, you're being abused....thats whats hard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avman Posted April 11, 2010 Share Posted April 11, 2010 Thread closed. Duplicate account. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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