Where to go from here?

[m0nso0n]

Put yourself in these shoes here.

 

You talk to a person every day, and every night, for 2 months straight. You two talk like you're a couple. You both know it's not official, yet you two talk like it is, anyway. You have a dating history from the past, but it was only a month or so. You've tried to make it official, tried to ask them where they thought this could be going, but to no avail. No straight answers.

 

If they tell you "I want you to be ready for a relationship." - doesn't doesn't that mean that they want you in a relationship with them, eventually?

 

And after they tell that to you, they then go and ask you to take off from work for a day, so you two can spend a nice day together... wouldn't you think that means they want to be with you? Or at least give you chance to make something happen?

 

Then, 2 days before you're supposed to go on your little nice-day-date, that same person tells you that the plan you two had was boring, and they "don't know" why you ended up taking off in the first place, then later hangs up on you over a stupid spider joke, and ignores you for two days.... wouldn't you think they were playing games?

 

Then, the day comes where you're supposed to do WHATEVER together, and they don't even bother to call you, text you, or anything... just to see if you still took off for them... wouldn't you think they don't care?

After all, you tried to talk to them, but they ignored you. So why would you make contact on that day? You'd want to see if they cared, right?

 

Then, when they finally DO talk to you, you try to talk to them about it, and about the situation as a whole, and they blow you off because they "don't feel well" - No apology, No re-schedule, No attempt at anything.

wouldn't you think that you wanted a 'relationship' to happen more than them?

 

Then, a month goes by and you barely see them, because apparently their work schedule won't allow them to hang out, yet they're still talking to you every day and night, like you're some kind of couple, or getting ready to become one, and they finally DO get off for a few days, and they decide to spend that time with everyone else BUT you.... wouldn't you think you're starting to waste your time?

 

Then, a month later, they find that they have 3 days off again, and they go and spend that time with other people, and not you... wouldn't you feel like you're being strung along?

 

Then, they come home from their 3 day break, and tell some guy that they 'miss them,' and 'miss sleeping with them'... and you weren't able to talk to them during that period of time they were away, because they 'had no service' and you wouldn't be able to reach them... wouldn't you blow a head-gasket, bugging out on them? Would you actually sit there and say "hey, by the way.. who's this guy?" in a calm manner?

 

NO. You wouldn't You'd feel like complete * * * * . You'd feel like you've been played. Like they never gave a * * * * about you or your feelings at all. Like they never actually wanted to start anything with you. Like you were "just there" until something better came along.

 

You'd feel betrayed. Hurt.

 

Then, you forgive them. you forgive them because you want to believe there's still hope. They still talk to you just about every night.. They tell you that the other guy.... he was pretend. "They were doing that to scare away an ex-girlfriend of his who constantly bothers him; and you mean more to them, then he does." After all, the other guy is their best friend's cousin.

You can't believe this. You want to so bad... but something is just itching about this.

You forgive them anyway, with the thought: "Maybe... JUST MAYBE, they may be telling the truth."

After all, this other person lives 3 hours away, but you've done crazier stuff than that before. Hell, you dated someone who lives 18 hours away.

 

..They carry on with this pretend charade for 2 months.

 

You continue to talk to them. They continue to "get jealous" and "get upset" every time another girl talks to you. You can't figure out why they'd be upset over it, because their doing nothing to show that they want to be with YOU.

 

You continue to talk to them for 4 more months; wishing things would change. You try expressing your concerns multiple times about things not changing, and they just make excuses.

"You go out until 4am drinking all the time!"

"You taunt me with other girls"

"You bugged out too many times"

 

Had they been there, in person, they'd see you're not what they think you are. But they aren't there. They choose not to be there.

 

You try to start NC with them, but doing it in a respectful manner... saying "we'd probably be better off if we cut ties for a little while."

 

They tell you that's the "biggest mistake of your life."

 

Why?

Nothing will change.

 

You start to believe that it is a mistake, anyway. You still have strong feelings, no matter how bruised you are. You can't go NC. There just MIGHT still be hope. After all, this person has put up with years of stupid * * * * from you. This person has generally always "been there" - and hasn't once told you to go away, when any one else would have.

 

You start to fight with yourself. Half the time blaming them. "Its their fault. If they cared, they wouldn't be acting this way; They'd want to change things and make things better."

 

Then, you blame yourself. "It's my fault. I didn't put enough effort in to keep them interested."

Always fighting with yourself. You can't talk to them about it, because they won't tell you anything.

They've never told you anything.

 

 

 

 

Place yourself in these shoes. Can anyone rationally explain how going NC would be the 'biggest mistake' of one's life?

Sorry for the length.

[MikNomis]

Good post, I am sure everyone can relate to the various examples given in this post and hopefully, some of the people with problems going NC will have a chord struck in them that motivates them to stick to it.

 

Don't do this to yourselves, we deserve so much better.

[orchidrose]

It wouldn't be the biggest mistake. The person who said that would appear to be attempting manipulate the NCer into rethinking it and staying in contact with them, so they can fulfill their own needs. Many ENAers (myself included) have manipulative exes who pulled the "I can't bear not talking to you" thing on them, then turned right around and got a new partner and dropped the ex like a hot potato.