My chances?

[stillhopeful1]

Hi all! I have been lurking here for quite sometime now, trying to help

 

myself by reading others stories. With so many of our stories being so

 

similar it does help but, I do finally think it's time to post my story for some

 

input. (sorry so long).

 

Background: I am 39 and she is 30. So, there is a little bit of an age

 

difference but not too much, I don't think. She has a 5 year old son and I

 

have two kids from my marriage 12 and 11. I am currently in the end stages

 

of a divorce and when I met her she was exiting a 4 year relationship, she's

 

never been married. Before anyone asks no, I have absolutely no feeling for

 

my soon to be ex-wife and in my opinion, this was not a rebound for me. My

 

marriage has been over for well over 4 years and we are just now wrapping

 

up the divorce. Regrettably, I cannot deny that I most likely was a rebound

 

for her as she was exiting a 4 year relationship when we began dating last

 

February. When things began last year I did have fears of being a rebound

 

and at times I had thoughts of trying to distance myself from her, allowing

 

her space to spread her wings so that I didn't become a rebound but I just

 

wasn't strong enough to do that. I was just enamored by her as I have never

 

met anyone like her before.

 

The first six months were absolutely perfect! We both just clicked, like we

 

have never clicked with another before. It just worked. I never felt this close

 

to my wife and she admitted to me that she had never felt a deeper

 

emotional connection with another person. We would just talk for hours on

 

any subject! Like I said, everything was just amazing for the first six months

 

until an ex of hers began to enter the picture posing as a friend, indicating

 

that he just wanted to be friends with her. When he did this she was up front

 

with him, telling him she was looking for nothing more than a friendship

 

from him. He indicated that was all he wanted. Well, it became evident after

 

a few months that he was there looking for more than just a friendship from

 

her. While this is the first time he has ever used the "friend" approach, this

 

isn't the first time he has caused disruption in her relationships. It is a

 

pattern with this guy. He is fine doing what he wants with who he wants,

 

he's fine if she does what she wants with who she wants, as long as it

 

doesn't get too serious on her end. As soon as she appears to be moving on

 

he does thing to sabotage her relationships, trying to keep her on the line. I

 

had never seen anything like this before. Maybe if I had, I would have been

 

better prepared. While she didn't give in to him and she did ultimately tell

 

him to take a hike, in the end it caused enough waves within our

 

relationship that she began to have doubts about us. She admitted to old feelings for him getting stirred up, causing her to doubt her to doubt if we

 

were going to work.

 

After a few weeks of a slight slow down in the relationship everything

 

seemed to get back on track. While thing seemed to be getting back on

 

track, in the end it was very up and down. At some times we seemed very

 

close then at others more distant. This seesaw act continued through the

 

holidays and into the new year. Around mid January I began to pressure her

 

for more in the relationship at which point she told me she needed space.

 

While I didn't like this I understood that she needed her space and I

 

respected that. Now to me, space meant no phone calls, no texts, no e-

 

mails, etc. By the next night she had called and left me a voicemail asking

 

me to call her back if I wanted. At this point I am like huh?? What is going

 

on here? So, I waited a little while then I texted her back telling her that I

 

would call her tomorrow. She texted back ok, sounds good. Then the next

 

thing I know, later that night my phone rings and it's her asking me to meet

 

her. Like a fool I did and she was all over me that night. Very loveable. I'm

 

thinking ok great, maybe some progress. Then a few days later I bring up

 

the contact and she asks me to ignore it. I'm like okay. So, I do ignore it

 

then and we essentially continue talking to one another everyday, even

 

getting together sometimes just as friends, then a few weeks later after

 

spending a great day together she begins reaching for my hand and holding

 

my hand. Again i'm like ok, finally some progress, but no. She backed off

 

again. At this point I told her I couldn't do this anymore, it was eating me up

 

emotionally and she understood. At that point I tried my best to distance

 

myself a bit, going NC for a little while before I even knew what NC really

 

was and it's purpose and only lasted about a week and a half. At this point

 

we began talking again and even doing things together. I was even foolish

 

enough to think that things were progressing with us as friends as she began

 

to really seek me out, wanting to do things with me more so than she had

 

done in a long, long time.

 

All of this lasted until the beginning of March 2010 as I had found this site

 

and had gotten sick of getting yanked around like a yoyo. In March I began

 

NC for me so that I could begin to get myself back and heal from all of this.

 

Everything was going well with the NC (10) days until she texted me at 1am

 

Easter morning. The text itself didn't say much, just wishing me a happy

 

Easter and hoping I was doing well. But, what puzzled me was the time of

 

the text. 1am! Just seemed like an odd time to send a happy Easter text. I

 

know she was home and wasn't drinking, no drunk texting, she had her son.

 

I waited until 9 Easter morning and texted her back wishing her a happy

 

Easter and hoped she was doing well also. Left it at that until last night when

 

I made the mistake of letting my mind wander and texted her asking if she

 

was ok? I told her the timing of the text seemed strange. She said nothing

 

was wrong, she was ok, was "just up so she texted."

 

She apologized for the early hour of the text at which point I texted

 

her back telling her no problem it's ok I was just worried about her bc of the

 

hour. About an hour later she texted me back asking how I was. I told her I

 

was ok but that I did think of her daily. I told her I have my good days and

 

bad but im ok. At this point she texted me back apologizing for putting me

 

through all of this and she wished me well hoping someday I would find true

 

happiness. I deserve it.

 

So, in the end i'm more confused than ever and don't know if I am reading

 

way too much into this latest communication or is she actually missing me?

 

I don't know. Well go ahead, tell me what y'all think.

 

Thanks!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds to me like she is the one who doesn't let go of exes. Perhaps the games she is playing with you are the same games she plays with that other ex and that is why he keeps coming around. She doesn't want commitment, she just wants men pining for her. I would cut contact with her permanently.

[stillhopeful1]

Thanks Crazyaboutdogs! I have thought about that. Kind of funny, alls she has ever told me is she is ready to settle down and I am all she has ever wanted yet she claims she just doesn't feel it for me. Very frustrating. She is very wishy washy to say the least. A few weeks ago I invited her to go to dinner with me and some of my family at which point she says no as she doesn't want to give me the wrong idea. Understandable. But then a week and a half later shes telling me my sister invited her to my niece's b-day party and she was considering going. She asked me if I would be ok with that. I was completely caught off guard and told her I needed to think about it. LAter found out my sister was inviting her and her son to kids party, I won't be there as her son and my niece are close.

[uncomfynumb]

Sounds to me like she is the one who doesn't let go of exes. Perhaps the games she is playing with you are the same games she plays with that other ex and that is why he keeps coming around. She doesn't want commitment, she just wants men pining for her. I would cut contact with her permanently.

 

Ditto.

 

I would wager that if you were to ignore her butt, she would have a fit after a while and show her true colors.

[GTP]

Wow, this sounds exactly like my ex!! Just last weekend we spent the weekend together and had an amazing time. There were periods where we would be all affectionate and then she would change her mind and tell me we can't. This happened all the way until we were hooking up one night and the next day she was back to hot and cold. We are in a LDR btw. Now that we are back in our cities she wants me to committ to her sexually and she will do the same but she is not ready for the stresses of a relationship. she said when she says this she means she doesn't want to always have to report to me where she is going....what she is doing...etc but she said she wants to be faithful to me. We live in 2 different countries btw so its not like its within driving distance by any means.. I'm not putting all my eggs in 1 basket with her and I'm going to play her at her own game. I'm kind of thinking you should do the same

[Twist82]

Women are puzzling creatures aren't they?

 

It seems to me like she doesn't know what she wants, or she just wants attention from anyone who will give it to her. I'd say leave her be, maybe she'll figure what a fool she's being and come back ready to commit. But you shouldnt settle for a part-time girlfriend. Good luck, and best wishes!

[stillhopeful1]

Thanks all for your input. What makes everything the most frustrtating is that her feelings seem to change with the day, some days close some days distant. Alls I know is I can't continue this anymore. So, I guess the only thing I can do at this point is go complete NC to save myself. In the end this will not only allow me time to heal but also allow her time to think. I know I can't continue down the "friend zone" road. I have done that far too long as it is!

 

NC day 1 and moving forward!!

[stillhopeful1]

anyone else have any input?

[Cadence44]

I agree with the other posters and with your strategy. Go NC and work on healing yourself and letting go of her. Leave her to her thoughts and your absence may trigger her to realize what she's lost. Right now she thinks you're a given and that she can do anything she wants and that you'll still care about her and take her back if she wants.

 

If she does come back, don't make it easy for her or you're liable to end up in the limbo again. Make sure her intentions are at least 50% about you, not focused on what you can do for her.

[Psychomagnet]

Run from this girl! The main and only reason her ex is able to "sabotage" her new relationships is because she wants him to otherwise, it wouldn't happen.

 

I had this happen to me as well. Relationship going fine for months or so then BAM! Old ex she never got over wants back in playin the friendship card completely out of the blue after 2 years and all of a sudden....your ancient history or worse, kept around as a placeholder til he calls her again tossin out another bucket of BS she will fall for.

 

Save yourself the pain I had to go through, Nip it in the bud with "Hey your a grown woman, what guy do you want? Correct answer is ME! anything else and I'm gone." or just walk before the excuses as to why she has to give him another chance start. Personally, I'd just next her until she can prove(see actions not words) that you are #1.

 

Never settle for anything less or she will make sure you regret it.

 

P.S. agrees with CAD and the others.

[stillhopeful1]

Psychomagnet,

 

Thanks for your input as well! It is helpful to hear from someone who has also gone though the ex- yoyo bull***t! The rational part of me realizes the best thing for me to do at this point is just walk completely away. Some days are easier than others to do this but I am doing my best to stay NC. I guess my biggest fear right now is I still know there is a huge part of me that thinks and admittedly hopes she will realize what she has lost and comeback. I am scared bc this can be good or it can be a mess! Before I went NC she told me she was for the first time in her life taking a step back and really re-evaluating everything in her life. Focusing on herself and fixing herself before she even begins to think about dating anyone again. At this point I guess my question for everyone here would be, what do I do if and when she is knocking on my door? I know the obvious that if he is still in the picture any way shape or form it is a definite no and simply walk away. But, what if he isn't and she claims she's done with that? They had a long conversation a few months back where she did finally tell him to take a hike as she at least at that moment realized he could never be who she needed him to be and after getting to know this girl my expectations are that I would expect her to be knocking on my door at some point. What should I put in place or do to protect myself if I even want to consider going down this road again with her?